GTKY: Tales of My In-Laws

jrm_14

If we were on BabyCenter, this would be “DWIL Nation” (dealing with in-laws). 

Share your gems (or your diamonds if you have no complaints). 

jrm_14

P.S. Please use appropriate TW and put them in spoilers so we can all enjoy other ish from IL’s Example: 
TW. *children mentioned [spolier alert:  kitten picture inside]

 ETA:  Spoiler is the third button from the left in the tool bar. It looks like a backwards P with an l. Click where you want the spoiler. Click the down arrow, go all the way down to spoiler. It will add a gray box. Type In gray box!  
Alternatively:

TW kids
My kitten is the best. 
End TW

jrm_14

P.P.S.  In-laws also include people your genius siblings chose to marry!

SmashJam

Oh man @jrm_14 if we include them I will have some GEMS. I gotta figure out the spoiler though.

jrm_14

@SmashJam. It is the third button from the left in the tool bar. It looks like a backwards P with an l. Click where you want the spoiler. Click the down arrow, go all the way down to spoiler. It will add a gray box. Type In gray box!  
Eta words

SmashJam

OK first time using the spoiler button so here it goes:
TW, pregnancy mentioned

My brother has made a whole series of horrible life decisions-he is an addict (kicked heroin, which is amazing, but now drinks too much which doesn't do his hep c any favors). Anyway, he is married and she is like, 24 weeks preggo, which sucks because they are broke and he is a damn addict but that's another story. Anyway, she makes me crazy because whenever he is too much for her, or super mean and angry and drunk, she tells me what is going on and asks for help, or support, or just to vent. I then of course say his behavior is unacceptable, and once I told her to leave him and stay with her parents since she is pregnant and she shouldn't have to deal with that toxic stress. Things got a little better wtih them and when he got mad at ME or something else, she showed him screen shots of everything I said to fuel the fire! SO basically, she uses me to help when its convenient and throws me under the bus when its convenient. I have blocked her on facebook messenger and if something truly bad happens I have to pray that she can contact someone else because it will no longer be me.

SkilledSailor

Mine is mild enough that I don't think I need a TW. My MIL is very sweet to me but for some reason she really gets on H all the time. Every time I see her she asks if H "is being a good boy". Every time y'all, for nearly four years. Yes, he's being good. That's why I married him. She also doesn't know we're TTC because she's made it clear that we shouldn't until we have a house with a garage. Because we all know that's a requirement. 

jsnakehole

I have stories on stories, but I'll begin with this:

My parents didn't meet my in-laws until my wedding day. One of the first things my FIL says to my mother is that she looks like she's part gypsy. 

And my MIL wonders why my parents don't want to come over for dinner. 

wishiwaspreggo

My MIL watches DS full-time without asking for pay so I have zero complaints about her. She is a rock star and a champion. I'll admit I was annoyed at first thinking she was over-stepping but she has been SO HELPFUL. She takes him out on adventures and wears him out for us. It's great.

Now my BIL... spoiler for sure here and TWs abound (pregnancy, miscarriage, threatened abortion, drug addiction):

I'll start by saying BIL is genuinely a nice guy when he's not on heroin. He's been clean for over a year now which is really impressive given his previous clean records lasted roughly 6 months at most before he'd relapse and end up in jail. He's got a great job and he's really getting his shit together but we're still kind of holding our breath collectively and praying he stays sober.

He's 33 and his girlfriend is 23. When I met GF the first time I told DW "Ha, we'll probably never see her again." I was wrong. Boy, was I wrong. A few weeks after we met her DW gets a tearful phone call saying GF is pregnant and she doesn't know what she's going to do. We were kind of freaking out because BIL at that point was in major recovery phase and really needed to focus on himself and we were worried he'd relapse due to the stress. We met up with her and said if worse came to worse we'd adopt the baby. Knowing what I know about birth and hormones and very powerful emotions I doubted she'd give the baby up to us but wanted to give her reassurance nonetheless that our home is open to another child if she cannot provide for it or handle the responsibility because we can. Well, this pregnancy sadly ended in miscarriage. DW and I were sad but figured it was for the best given their circumstances and assumed they'd be more careful with their BC moving forward. Well... nope. They got pregnant again a few months later. And shit hit the fan for a while. GF kept threatening abortion for the first 12 weeks and held that over BIL's head every time she got mad at him. She said she didn't feel anything for the baby when she had the first ultrasound and we kept telling her we'd adopt the baby but I think she wanted that power over BIL. She even asked DW for money to have an abortion bad times all around. Somehow they miraculously reconciled and decided to become a family. About a month ago I was sitting in the kitchen making baby shower favors and started laughing at how ridiculous it was. I hope and pray it all works out. GF is having braxton-hicks contractions now and will probably have the baby in the next couple weeks. It's cool that we'll have a nephew and I am excited about that, but I worry about BIL's and his GF's ability to parent. DW and I are going to help as best we can.

nitnat007

So I know that I have shared this before, but hey...it on going apparently. 

TW spoiler - kids, pregnancy, bikini....crazy!

A little while back, at a family gathering, I jokingly called BIL a prude as he wont allow his 14 yo daughter to wear a bikini. Possibly a cultural thing. But I really don't see anything wrong with it. I grew up on a beach in Africa and my own mother still wears one at 65, as do I at 37.
To the point, when I jokingly did this, MIL piped up and agreed with BIL, saying that there are 14 yo girls falling pregnant out there these days etc. Basically implying that by wearing a bikini you some how become promiscuous. And followed it up by stating that girls are somehow responsible for how boys/men react to how they dress. Now, I have a long laundry list of issues about this, which I voiced some of them at the time. But when she said this I (still jokingly) said "well at least we know where BIL gets it from". 
This has since escalated and I am now public enemy #1. According to her, I absolutely called her a prude directly, and somehow related this to me calling her "an old dried up prune" (still not sure how this archaic definition applies in this scenario), has not accepted my apology because I used the wording "if I offended her" and it is my pride that is creating this family rift. She has since deleted us off of FB (MH and I), because MH defended me and told her that she was overreacting to the situation, and has not communicated with us in almost three months. Even when DH was working hurricane relief and going into dangerous areas where armed escorts were required. All of which she was aware as it was well covered in the news. 
As of yesterday she went into the hospital and been diagnosed with diverticulitis. We are still waiting on updates from colonoscopy today. All of which we are only receiving from BIL. With everything that has happened, this was one of my worst fears. That she would fall ill and they would still be at odds, and it would be because of something that I said. MH has now been added back onto FB, but I don't see being accepted anytime soon. She has also made it clear to MH that does not accept me as her DIL. 

TW spoiler - Kids

MIL also cant stand BIL's wife. This is very clearly known to all the family and she does not hide it. At the beginning of the year, MH and BIL were both away on deployment. The Navy had a fun day for the kids out at on the local farms. Wagon rides, indoor bouncy castles, hot dogs and zip lines. So, SIL invited myself DSS to join her, her kids and her sister and kid.
In the middle of winter we all bundled up and took the kids out. It was freezing! It was absolutely not about the adults and all about the kids. MIL was pissed off with SIL because she did not invite them to join. When MIL mentioned it to me I told her that she would have been miserable. It was freezing and all about the kids. Her response was "That is not the point". And so this is what I have to look forward too.....

Dilynne

I have a few but I'll give my favourites:

TW: children, ,hipster with disabilities  ETA: I meant children with disabilities but for some reason my phone autocorrected to hipster?

MIL told me that if I didn't calm down and reduce my stress level I would have a "down syndrome baby" and it would be all my fault. When I tried explaining to this woman (who teaches science to 9th graders) that that wasn't how biology works, she told me she read a study and that on 1996 or something there was an ice storm in a Montreal and the children conceived at that time had learning disabilities. We're talking about an ice storm that left people without power for weeks, locked in their houses running out of food with no water or anything. I have regular, normal people stress. Not the same thing in the least. And Downs Syndrome and learning disabilities are VERY different things. 

And don't get me started on how I'm a bad wife because I "can't keep a house". Like woman, your son lives here too. 

blackhottamales

My sister's SO is an so inconsiderate.  TW (cancer)

My sister was diagnosed with breast cancer last year.  She is doing great now.  But during chemo she often couldn't sleep and found it challenging to get comfortable.  They live is a one bedroom house, but there is a defined living room with a door (actually two doors) between it and the bedroom.  At one point my sister finally go comfortable laying on the ground and was watching tv at 11pm.  Her SO comes out of the bedroom and says "you are not keeping the tv on all night and laying there".  This happened while i was visiting them, but staying elsewhere and her SO tells me this story thinking i'm going to support him.  I laid into him.  "SHE IS IN PAIN! she can do whatever the fuck she wants."  He just didn't get it. He also packed up Christmas stuff (including her check from our parents for Christmas) on the 27th of December.  Then when she went looking for it he said "you had 3 days to clean up that stuff. " um...she had a lumpectomy on the 23rd of December...
I understand it's hard to be the caregiver, but just because you can't empathize doesn't mean can't sympathize.  

blackhottamales

@Dilynne I would have lost my sh*t if my MIL said something like that.  I have a downs brother, and it's teachers like her who drive me crazy.  When i went through "sex-ed" my teacher tried to blame it on mothers too for having down syndrome children (her example was too much coffee or something).  I was so upset that day i went home in tears--basically that teacher said my mom did something that caused my brother to have downs.  I went home and did a tone of research with my parents.  We then showed the teacher and my parents and the vice principal made her apologize to me and explain the truth to the class.  
The latest research has not been able to find behaviors from mothers that cause down syndrome.  

nitnat007

@Dilynne Wow! That is an awful thing for her to say to you. I would have lost my mind on her. To think that people actually feel they are being helpful when they say things like that, just drives me batty. 

@blackhottamales I feel so bad for your sister. I hope that she is doing better now. (hugs). I think I would have punched her SO for her. 

jaylii

Oh geez as much as I like my in laws they definitely have done and said some crazy things. 
Story loosely discussed having children/pregnancy 

Ok, so probably the worst one recently is MH called his Dad on father’s day. He called from England where he’d been for three weeks for work. He talks to his Dad and then his his mom who’s insensitive enough to randomly ask if we’ve considered having children so then father’s day would be for him too. MH was pissed that she said all that because she knew he’d been traveling a ton for a new job. I mean you’d think she’d understand how stressful that was and that he really didn’t need to hear crap about having children from her on father’s day while he’s sitting in a fricken foreign country away from me. 

jrm_14

SIL (brother’s wife) in general says a lot of asinine things. TW kids

A few months after my sister & her now ex husband separated (nephew was about 2.5), SIL seriously asked my sis what she was going to do about a sibling and looking into adoption /foster as “you’re not getting any younger and neither is Nephew. You don’t want like a 5 year age gap.”  Sister was 25. 

When same sister had been trying several months to have DS2, same SIL made a comment to sister about needing to get pregnant now that she had another husband. 

SIL was pregnant w/ twins 1st cycle off BCPs. She was pregnant with a singleton 2nd cycle off BCPs. 

Generally speaking , I could have waaaay worse IL’s. They help out when we need something, want to spend time with us, etc etc. 

 MIL spilled the beans to me about what center stone my engagement ring would have, and that also tipped me off about MH purchasing a ring.

 Then, when we got engaged, she said “Have you thought about what diet you’re going to go on?”  Um, excuse me?  First, I don’t need to diet. Next, even if I was 756 pounds, it it NEVER acceptable to ask that. Finally, as FIL creeper looked me up when MH & I started dating, FIL & MIL found out I had been to residential treatment for an eating disorder. A few months later she suggested I “stop eating so many doughnuts and back off from a few carbs” before our wedding. The eff?  

MIL told me she had a list for my wedding shower because, “they are MY friends and I get to say if they come.”  

We were married the day after her birthday. It was literally the only option unless we waited 6 months. In hindsight, we should have went to the courthouse or waited. FIL took our rehearsal cake, put candles in it, and made the room sing her happy birthday. Yes, yes, it was her birthday. Maybe I’m the asshat here. We had already celebrated her birthday. She told us it was fine to be married the day after, then later recanted. Too late, lady. 

TW kids, pregnancy, asshattary about adoption

The first time I had dinner w/ H’s parents, she asked about me having kids. She was more concerned about how my autoimmune disease impacts my ability “to give [her] grand babies” than anything else.  She frequently reminds me I am her “only chance at real grand babies.”  Her other DIL has epilepsy and it is severe enough pregnancy is not likely a realistic option for her & the baby’s best health and safety. 

At at my wedding shower, she made a comment about, “yeah, next we will be here for a baby shower really soon.”  When someone commented it may be her other son’s wife first, MIL made a comment about me being the only one to give her “real grand babies.”  Again: Vomit. 

You get a free kitten if you made it this far!  

jrm_14

@SkilledSailor. I’d reply something about him being a real bad boy  MIL likes to tel me things like what underpants to buy MH. 

@wishiwaspreggo @smashjam. Mental illness is so tough. The particular subset of addiction is especially awful.

@blackhottamales. Oh he’ll no to your BIL!  And way to educate so many people about Down Syndrome.

@Dilynne um, rude. And I guess I’m glad MIl is waited on & FIL does the housework so I’m not held to that standard!  I’ll tell your MiL you are teaching her son all the thing she failed to do so

@jaylii. Ugh. Also rude. Glad YH saw that, too!

SkilledSailor

@jrm_14 Haha I've considered it but she wouldn't get the innuendo and would start pestering me about what he was doing wrong. Also, I read all of your (horror) stories. Where's my kitten? 

@Dilynne Um your story literally made my jaw drop! How awful! 

jrm_14

@SkilledSailor. Here you go . I told her to smile pretty for you!

CraftyG

Oh I love posts like this, my MIL does lots of little things that kind of just mount up. She's lovely but a stereotypical no one is good enough for my son but my daughters boyfriend can just show up and he's fantastic!

TW loss, babies:

One thing that still really frustrates me is less than a month after my first loss Fi's cousin had a baby and she'd driven up for everyone to visit but it was way too soon for me to hold a newborn. So I told MIL that I wasn't going and just say that I felt sick and didn't want to give anything to baby. Then later I found out that she told them that I didn't go because I was watching my tv shows?! If someone told me that they couldn't see me and my new baby after I'd driven up to see them because they were watching tv I would be pissed as hell.

Oh and there was also the time that she got me uninvited from Fi's cousins wedding but didn't have the balls to tell me or Fi so he went around for months assuming I was still invited because no one had told him differently. That was fun, to this day over two years later she still hasn't admitted or apologised to me about anything. 

CraftyG

@blackhottamales what a bitch, I can't even get my head wrapped around saying that to children! Also shaking my head at your sisters SO, I feel so sorry for her a little empathy goes a long way.

@Dilynne I would have not been able to keep my mouth shut that is just so unbelievably rude.

mrs_drc_rn

Oh my, where do I even begin with my MIL. I will admit, she does help us out a lot and we get along, but she’s done so many things that irritate me. Really, her and DH’s whole family. I’ll give you the one that’s bothered me the most! 

*TW - pregnancy and prematurity* 

DH is the younger of two boys. After my MIL had DH’s older brother, she swore up and down that DH was going to be a girl. Needless to say, she was wrong. DH is now 31, and MIL still likes to bring up how she thought he was going to be a girl and since he was born right before Easter, she dressed him up like a girl. 

Fast forward to four years ago and us telling her we’re pregnant. The FIRST thing out of her mouth is “oh my god! If it’s a girl...” Up until we found out the gender, she basically only talked about if we had a girl, how she’d buy her frilly tutus and bows. We planned to have lunch with her after finding out the gender and she just didn’t seem excited at all. Just said she knew it’d be a boy because their whole family is boys.

Fast forward a few months, and I’m in the hospital at 2am in premature labor at 34 weeks. We can’t get ahold of MIL. Queue her asinine sister: we get ahold of her, but she refuses to drive the literal FIVE minutes over to MIL’s house to try to wake her up because her first grandchild is being born premature. 

So after my son arrived early, had a three-week NICU stay, wore an apnea monitor for three months and had a year of Early Intervnetion, my MIL will STILL talk about us having a girl. Like, NO! You moron! We want a healthy child! 

Like @jrm_14 said, a prize for anyone who made it through that! 

ETA: words. 

SmashJam

@wishiwaspreggo addiction is a b*tch, and for all your bro and his gf and their other issues, at least he's holding on to that! Hugs to you, and i am simultaneously glad/sad for you that you are close enough to help as much as you can. I left the state after college and all subsequent moves I actually made sure I wouldn't be close enough to drive home for a crisis overnight.

@ literally the whole board...what is it with MIL and their ability to constantly say whatever they want? It's like they think we have to put up with their words because they are family FILs seem better at keeping their filter on.

@Dilynne I did laugh out loud at your "hipster with disabilities" tag. Who says that stuff to ANYONE, let alone family?!

ETA: remove a random tag

MrsBunz

Oh my MIL is an absolute treat! She has said so many things over the last 6 years. She once told me I better not have any boys because I'm too sensitive to raise sons (I am 3 of 4 girls). She started out rehearsal dinner without us because the actual rehearsal was taking too long, and when we got there and I was visibly upset, the first thing she said to me was, "you know, you really ought to smile more, you're getting married tomorrow." I walked out of my own rehearsal dinner. And then our first Christmas as a married couple, she got mad that MH couldn't come home for it, because I only had 3 days off. She asked him to just come home without me, ignoring the fact that it was our first Christmas, first wedding anniversary and my birthday! 

My FIL is normally nice but he often says sexist things, like, "I'm surprised Ben let you get tattoos while he was deployed" or using the phrase "like a girl" (I call him on it now but was afraid to the first few years). And he often puts his foot in his mouth. 
TW Pregnancy and Miscarriage 

MH and I have a 2 yo and were trying for #2 right before he deployed, so imagine my joy when I found out we were KU on deployment day. I told my family immediately and we were going to wait a few weeks to tell his, but my little sister was on a date with my BIL (that's a whole different issue) when she found out and told him, so we decided to tell MH's parents that day too. Fast forward 2 weeks, I have had a MC and I called my MIL to tell her and asked that she tell the rest of the family (I did the same with my mother). The next day my FIL calls to tell he is sorry (which is sweet) and that unfortunately he had told a few people and he is embarrassed he will have to tell them I lost it. And then he says, "I just thought this could never happen to you, we've always thought you were such a good mother." I ended that conversation asap. 

mrs_drc_rn

I can’t believe these stories! No wonder we all need a TTGP night out! 

lalala2004

I'm part

Part

Reading these stories.

I'm fortunate that my inlaws are pretty chill. The only thing is my FIL starts heated theological or political conversations and get me all riled up, but despite being passionate, he stays so chill about it, like it's no big deal. I guess he just likes to debate, but I have a hard time leaving emotions out of it and keeping my mouth shut, so I guess that's on me.

toastedmallows

You all have some interesting people to put up with. Some of the comments from them just make me stop and wonder how do people get to adulthood without being able to show empathy or tact? Bah.

@mrsbunz: Your FILs comments were awful. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that in the middle of everything.

@Jrm_14: MIL tried to pull that with our wedding that we were trying to keep small. Her comments to you are awful and I'm sorry she said any of it.

My MIL professes to the public how grateful she is to have a "daughter-in-love", but she hate my guts. Enough to try and make DH to leave our wedding.

TW: religion/manipulation/emotional and minor physical abuse

Back story: my ILs are very much Christians, but tend towards the judgmental and if you don’t go to the right church, you’re not a real Christian. I grew up in a denominational church and attended a denominational church with DH throughout our relationship. Major judging for that as MIL believes denominations to be cults. She would make off hand, condescending comments to me about it and try to bait me. MIL has a bad habit of having to always be right, always get the last word in, and no one understands her struggles in life. On several occasions she would tell FIL or DH outright that they were wrong about whatever and correct them constantly. FIL acquiesces every time, even when he's right.

At our wedding, MIL cornered DH and berated him in front of groomsmen and my mom. During pictures, she dug into his arm with her nails enough to leave marks through his suit. DH made the choice to distance himself and we haven’t seen nor talked to her since. BIL became engaged in the spring and asked DH to be in his wedding. DH tried to politely decline as we weren’t going to be attending the wedding as to not cause more drama and help keep their wedding less stressful. BIL proceeded to lecture DH how it was his own fault and should apologize to MIL. We haven’t talked to any of his family since.

TLDR: DH has a lot of  emotional trauma from his family and made the choice to distance himself fully. 

Well. Typing that elevated my heart rate a bit. And now I need something to laugh at... like a bouncing llama.

SkilledSailor

@lunapup Oh my! Good for your H on recognizing the problems within his family and distancing himself. That takes a lot of strength! 

lurvleybunchococonuts

Ugh... All of these have my BP spiked.  Why do in-laws/families suck so much sometimes?  *hugs* to you all!  My FIL is AWESOME which makes up for the nutcase of my MIL.  1/2 the times she's equally amazing but the other 1/2 the time she's bat-ish crazy.  Don't have any good stories at the moment, I'm sure I will tomorrow or the next day lol.