Pregnant during family illness
thunderberry
member
So about a week after I got my BFP, I found out my Dad has pancreatic cancer. It has so far had such a huge impact on my experience of being pregnant. I went from being so excited, reading forums all the time, researching etc to just being so sad all the time and having a very hard time getting excited and staying positive. None of this is how I expected my pregnancy to go, after 2 years of wanting and hoping so much, now it feels overwhelmed by these other worries.
I was wondering if there is anyone else going through similar difficult life experiences during their pregnancy? I thought it might be nice for us to band together and provide some additional support to each other, since I for one would love a chance to talk to someone who is going through something similar. It doesn't have to be exactly the same, but even just those of us who aren't having a pregnancy as full of optimism sunshine and roses as expected probably have a lot we can share!
Re: Pregnant during family illness
It it really helped me to be involved with helping my mom. I took her to surgery, helped her with anything she needed during recovery, and did what she needed while she went through radiation. I felt more informed and logically in control by doing that and I'm really happy to report that she's been cancer free for several months now and her most recent follow up scan was clear.
I'll be thinking of your dad and your family and if you ever want to talk, don't hesitate to PM me.
It was crazy and hectic to uproot our life temporarily and not at all how I expected to spend my pregnancy. But it was a really important and special time to spend with her. I ended up delivering there and we moved back to our home when DD was 2m old. If you need any support, feel free to PM me. I'll be thinking of you!
*TW loss of family members and infant loss*
My dad died very suddenly and very unexpectedly 10 days before my girls were born. I had so many crazy feelings and emotions, this deep grief over losing my dad, but this immeasurable joy and love for these two tiny little babies I had just brought into the world. Then I would feel guilty for being happy. And my anxiety was through the roof, I had just been shown how fragile life is and I was terrified that something would happen to my girls. I was an absolute mess. Three months later, my sister had her baby at 30 weeks and he only lived about three hours. Cue more guilt over "being given" two babies, when my sister didn't "get" her one. It was the worst time of my life, and I feel like it made it impossible to feel any of the happiness I was supposed to have felt over being a new mom. It obviously never goes away, or even necessarily gets better, but the pain has eased some, and I've been able to learn how to be grateful for my girls. While I'm no longer religious because of all that happened, I still feel like my dad and nephew are with me every day and watching over my girls.
*end TW*
I will definitely keep you and your family in my thoughts, and feel free to PM any time. Hugs to you.
Married June 2012
BFP June 2013- blighted ovum, D&C Aug 2013
BFP Oct 2013- twins! A&H born May 2014
BFP Aug 2017- EDD 5/8/17
Your family will be in my prayers ❤️
Thanks everyone for your kind thoughts. It does help to know other people have experienced similar rough things in the past and made it through okay.
@mileswithmyles My mom is a superstar and knows the health system really really well, so has really been taking the lead on advocating for him and making sure he gets the best treatment possible, but I definitely find it does make me feel better to hear what's going on and discuss all the options. My output at work has no doubt gone down with the amount of time I spend chatting with her about it. The downside is sometimes I feel I can almost get too involved and get kind of obsessed waiting for results of tests etc. It's a hard balance! Thanks for sharing and I'm really glad to hear your mom is doing well now!
@sandbar517 Wow, that much have been so incredibly difficult, I'm so sorry you went through that. I know exactly what you mean about feeling guilty for feeling happy. Although sometimes it's almost the opposite, where I want to put on a happy face to be cheerful for my parents who want my pregnancy as something positive to focus on, and I feel like I am adding to their sadness by not feeling as happy as I should. It's all such a confusing mess of emotions and it feels like there's no right answer. Thank you for sharing your experience.
@Ceridwen77 I'm sorry you're also going through a hard time. I also want to stay positive but it can be hard! If you ever want to rant to me, feel free.
@bwow615 it really is such a scary diagnosis. Everything you read online talks about it like a death sentence, and it makes it hard to keep hope. I'm so sorry about your uncle. Do you mind me asking if his was operable? We did catch my father's cancer early, which everyone says it good, but it's hard to figure out exactly how much it improves the chances.
One positive thing is they are doing a trial in Boston of a new treatment that sounds very promising. The first round shows much higher remission rates that have ever been seen before for pancreatic cancer. My parents are fortunate to be of enough means to have been able to fly down to consult with them, and now it looks like they are going to try this treatment, despite being Canadian so having to pay for it out of pocket. I'm trying to keep up hope that this will make the difference.
*TW family loss and terminal cancer mentioned*
My aunt passed away 6 days ago from metastatic breast cancer. She was like a mom to me, and it many ways closer to me than my own mother. It has been such a struggle to feel excited about the pregnancy while grieving. Having morning sickness doesn't help, and all I can think about is how badly I want the pregnancy to be over. Nothing hurts more than imagining my child in the world without knowing my aunt. But, just the fact that she shared in our pregnancy joy for 2 weeks eases my pain a little bit. You cannot plan life perfectly, you need to do what is best for you and your well-being. I know this journey with your father will no be easy, but I hope the pregnancy provides a nice distraction for you and him. It will definitely be a source of joy through your hardship, even though it may not feel that way right now.
**end TW**
Please let me know if you need anyone to talk to. I know pancreatic cancer is different than what my aunt went through, but I think we have some common ground and can provide support. Sending you love during this difficult time
I've only just been privy to what life if life going through cancer with a close friend (60's man, non-hodgkins lymphoma) and it was eyeopening. I'd encourage you to chat with someone who has been through the experience in some way, maybe even someone who's parent has. Only after this did my grandmother open up about what it was like when grandpa had cancer, she just didn't (and rightly so) think we'd "get it". She illuminated how great the burden and struggle is for those looking after the cancer patient, who are so aware of how their lives have changed. Grandpa and our friend had to fight for themself each day, but their wives seemed to be fighting for their whole families too.
@sandbar517 thanks for sharing, that all sounds really hard, I'm so sorry to hear about losing your Dad and your sister's little one, and the challenge of faith too.
Infertility can be a very difficult time, some people don't seem as affected, for us it was incredibly trying. It can affect pregnancy and stick around after birth like a shadow; even though pregnancy and baby is all we want. Thankfully we've found we have had more peace and happiness than expected. In the end all the suffering and pain had some benefits, how much we now love our family, strength in our marriage and in our faith after much wrestling.
Both DH's Grandma & Grandpa who live on the property with DH's parents (where we once lived when newly married) both had sudden illnesses come up this year, and his other Grandfather had a stroke. DH's mother has been a huge source of support and encouragement even though she's been through a lot with her daughter's divorce and her sick parents, alongside giving us international IVF support all in the same year! She's truly a strong woman. And was so incredibly happy for the news of our baby. I'm now her big support and an ear to listen about all their health issues.
Grandma's heart is failing and medications are being juggled, her spirit is down for what seems like the first time in her life. Grandpa who beat cancer 15yrs ago, now has undiagnosed dysphagia - an inability to eat or talk. It had a sudden onset, and he is completely well in every other area. So sharp, so capable elsewhere, and so defeated over this one (but vital) issue.
My hubby got a new job when we found out we were pg which allowed some extended time off to go back to visit family in Australia over winter (during gorgeous summer there!), especially the grandparents who are sick, and share with our families my (to be) growing belly and news.
We then found out due to visa issues we cannot travel and reenter USA for a year. I cried for 2 days over this, I thought the timing was perfect. I won't be able to see my family bar my mother and some of hubby's immediate family flying out for Christmas. I know that is still wonderful, and we are so thankful they can travel, so we are making the most of being content with what we can do.
I also suggested a couple times to my hubby we could fly over, live with his parents and have baby... it's a bit crazy, I know we need our space but I just miss them all so much more when on the other side of the world.
We are hoping our grandparents make it to when we can fly back with baby to see them, in 10-11 months time. We adore them, and we are naming our boy after DH's grandfather with dysphagia, we love the name and it came upon us before he was sick in a 1950's baby name book. DH looks like his spitting image so I'm keen to see what traits baby will carry!
During my first pregnancy, DH and I each lost a beloved grandparent and DH also lost his father. Family inheritance squabbles led to excommunication of many family members during the period as well (bless their hearts). It. Was. Tough. All I know is it helped to allow myself to feel what I was feeling when I was feeling it and not feel ashamed about it. That meant happy, sad, angry, guilty, hopeful, etc. And I leaned on family, friends and coworkers heavily.
I got pregnant while my mom was fighting ovarian cancer. She was so excited to be a grandma. I know that my pregnancy was a happy thing for her and my dad to focus on. There were some very tough times, around 5 months we received bad news about her diagnosis, that she had only a few months to live. Luckily around 7 months she hit a better patch and had no treatments at all which lasted until after my due date. Unfortunately she passed away when my daughter was 6 months old.
I had so much stress at various points that I decided to stop working. This way I was also able to spend more time helping my parents. Honestly sometime my emotional state was very numb - the happiness of a newborn combined with the despair of my moms condition made me feel stiff and robotic.
Please stay in touch as much as you like here, I will be checking back in to see how you and your dad are doing.
@kpc914I am so sorry for your loss. It does seem like we have some common ground. I hope you are doing okay, although only 6 days in I'm sure it must be feeling incredibly fresh. I hope you're taking care of yourself. The pregnancy does help to give some distraction I think, although sometimes it's hard to focus on it. But I know my mother is really glad to have something nice to think about it, and sometimes I am able to have flashes of happiness or excitement looking at baby things etc, so I am trying to look on the bright side of having something nice to lighten the dark times, rather than taking it as the dark times ruining the brightness. Let me know how you're doing!
@bumpemma I have told him, and he is very happy about it, so it's nice that we have that to share when things are hard. Cancer really is so hard on the caregivers, and I worry a lot about my mom. She is good at keeping up a positive attitude but they are such a close and happy married couple I know she must be terrified. My father really hates people seeing him unwell so wants it to be only my mother there when he gets chemo etc, but she is going to need support herself so I hope he loosens up on that. I am sorry about your disappointment with not being able to travel! That would really upset me as well, having family around at this time is so reassuring.
@bwow615 Thanks for sharing more details. I agree that this disease desperately needs more research. It wasn't until his diagnosis that I realized just how bad it was and how relatively helpless we are in fighting it.
@zaclina thanks for sharing your story and your kind words. Not feeling shamed for our feelings is so important but harder than it should be.
@salixjoy38 I am so sorry about your Mom. It sounds like you know exactly how it feels. I am glad she got to meet your daughter but losing your mom combined with a new child must have been really hard. I do wonder how long I'll be able to keep up work because my job is extremely high pressure and high stress and right now it's hard to cope. But on the other hand sometimes I find the weekends when I am sitting around with nothing to do but worry are the hardest times, so maybe work is a good thing. Thanks for your kind words.
I think I will keep posting in this thread because it feels good to have a place I can just sort of let this stuff out. It's hard with friends and family because I don't want to upset people too much. Plus I'd feel bad to jump into other threads on here where people are saying light hearted reasons they're crying, or their worries etc, and make it depressing explaining why I'm actually bawling my eyes out every night! So here people can just ignore this post if they don't want to be sad. Hope that is okay.
Last night and today have been rough. My father is officially going into this new treatment program in Boston, which we are still really hopeful about. He is also probably going to start his chemo there next week because the hospital in my home town is being extremely slow in getting him an appointment - downsides of public health in a poor province. This is mostly good news, but as a part of going over the protocol we worked out the timing and realized my father will be getting his surgery right around my due date. This means that my parents almost certainly won't be in town when the baby is born and for the first couple weeks. It feels selfish to be worrying about this given the larger issues, but I am crushingly disappointed. My mother and I are very close and I was really counting on her being there to help me through my labour and to help figure out how to be a mom etc. I am trying to keep it together at work despite constantly being on the verge of tears because I don't want to have to explain - while my boss does know my dad is sick, no one knows I'm pregnant so I can't really explain this one.
Anyway I am trying to focus on the positive because my parents are very excited and think this hospital has made a breakthrough. Apparently the stats show that after 2 years, 75% of their patients are still living, and only 50% have had a recurrence, which for pancreatic cancer is incredible. It may be a true leap forward in medicine. I am trying to focus on how incredibly lucky we are that he can participate in this, instead of focusing on the downsides.
@bwow615 I am so sorry to hear that. My thoughts are with you and your family, that is far too young to lose someone. I hope you're doing all right.
@becca_87 I'm so sorry about your FIL. If you ever want to talk at all let me know.
@CraftyG emotional overload is the right word! Thanks for your thoughts.
I can relate very much to this and I am so sorry you are going through it. My mother was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer in mid August. At the time she was fine in herself, but it had spread to her liver. I found out a week later I was expecting (which was a surprise.)
Normally I would have told her straight away, but it didn't seem like the time and she was starting to exhibit signs of confusion. A few days later she was admitted to hospital and was completely bedridden. While she was there she had a few less confused days and I told her about the baby. I am so glad I did, because she was really pleased.
When she had been there about a week the doctors told me the cancer was very advanced and she had a matter of weeks. I woke up the next day and was bleeding. I had a scan and baby was ok. We arranged for her to come home to me and carers to come in, which she did the following Tuesday. She passed away on the Wednesday.
it has been such a shock, and so hard to feel excitement for the baby. But I am so glad That she shared in the joy of the baby, even if it was for a short time. I have felt very nauseous, tired and basically I'll for the last month. And at the same time I have had a deep anxiety and sadness underneath everything. Her funeral was today and I feel a little relieved now that it is done.
if you want to pm me, please do! I am happy to listen and talk about this, and hope it is helpful to know you are not alone.
I will be thinking of you on Saturday!