How do YOU deal with pregnancy announcements? — The Bump

How do YOU deal with pregnancy announcements?

This has been on my mind a lot lately, and especially after this weekend, when my husband's cousin (who already has two kids) announced they're pregnant with their third... at a funeral of all places. And then this morning I wake up to the news that Prince William and Catherine are pregnant with their third.

So much of me wants to not be affected by these announcements - by both family and friends and complete (celebrity) strangers, but it's gotten to the point where every time I hear one, I think "of course she's pregnant. Everyone is."

How do you deal with the seemingly endless barrage of announcements? How do you act happy for people when you struggle every day with the possibility that you'll never be the one sharing that happy news? On the other side of the coin, have you thought about how you would announce it if it was your turn, knowing how hard it was to hear previously?

Just some thoughts on this Labor Day.


Re: How do YOU deal with pregnancy announcements?

  • @ReesaAnne16 I considered doing the same thing - going to see a therapist - and it's good to know there's a method (though yes, cheesy) to cope. I'm sure it's harder to say to yourself on some days than others but the more you say it the easier it is to change your mindset. Thanks!

  • It's hard alot of days and it feels like since we can't more people are announcing likes it's a cruel joke that's getting played. I just think how much more special it's going to be when it does finally happen to us. I've went over everything if I was preg down to the baby shower. Call me crazy I also know that it's a possibility it will never happen and my husband and I discussed that if it doesn't we will get a puppy and make an announcement have a puppy baby shower and go thru all the steps. Not the same but I think it would make me feel a little better. 
  • I agree with @ReesaAnne16 about talking to someone who specializes in IF/loss. Seeing someone who knows what to say (and what NOT to say) about infertility has made it possible for me to get something out of therapy. I also try to avoid places where pregnancy announcements are (no facebook, no family gatherings on Mother's and Father's Day, etc.). Oh, and sometimes I go home and cry and have a tall drink, like when I found out a coworker was due a few weeks after my due date with the baby I lost...

    @ReesaAnne16 I love that change in perspective. I'm going to try that too.

    I don't think we'll do an online announcement if/when we are pregnant. I wouldn't want to hurt someone as I was hurt. 

    DH & I: Both 28
    TTC #1 June 2016
    IF Dx: Premature ovarian insufficiency and luteal phase defect associated with genetic condition
    BFP 2/23/17. Said goodbye to our baby girl at 14 weeks.
    IVF+PGD September 2017 -- 9R, 9M, 7F, 5B; 2 healthy embryos, 1 questionable
    FET November 2017 - failed
    FET December 2017 - success! EDD 9/16/18

  • @loverin I hear you about the coworker thing. My closest coworker went to the same RE as me about two months before my first appointment. Their diagnosis was low sperm count, and she has a 10 year old daughter from her first marriage. They did IVF and were pregnant on the first try. So I've been forced to smile and be excited and watch her belly grow every single day and although I love her to pieces and am excited for her, I can't help but actually be angry that I have yet to be able to even try, and they decided to do IVF one month and the next they were pregnant. 

    I'm so sorry your initial counseling experience was so hideous. I'd burn the place down if someone came at me like that. I live in a somewhat small town that is dominated with two large universities. With few options for therapists on a regular basis, it's even tougher when school starts and students start taking up all the available appointments. Plus I hate the idea of taking any more time away from work when I seem to be at the RE once or twice a week as it is, and it's always at least a 2.5-3 hour ordeal (they're an hour away). Add to it the fact that the aforementioned coworker has exactly one more week before she goes out on maternity leave, and it leaves me feeling pretty stabby overall, if I'm honest.

  • I've been dealing with infertility for a few years and each and every announcement is hard for me. Just 2 weeks ago, a coworker announced she was pregnant a month after removing her IUD. That was a rough one for me because all she had to do was pop out her IUD and POOF! She's pregnant. But, there will always be stories like that, and women around us will always be getting pregnant. But, when I see announcements, I do say to myself that it WILL be me. I'm not the most spiritual person, but my father passed 2 years ago, and I recently asked him for a sign that I'm on the right path, and I got confirmation from him. So I know that sometime soon, it truly will be me! I know that sounds crazy, but it's not the first time I've seen signs like that. I also recevied signs leading me to my career. So, keep on pushing forward and know that one day it will be you!!! Hugs to all :) 
  • DH and I are currently in our fourth year of TTC. Pregnancy announcements were the worst for me early on. It's taken a lot of time for me not to be shattered after hearing another announcement. I work in a school with about 25+ young women. We have an office baby shower at least once every 3 months. We just had one this past week for 3 people. I used to avoid it as much as I could. Lately, however it's been getting easier for me to go. Yes it's not ideal. Yes I desperately want what they have. But my time will come eventually. Some of these women have gotten pregnant on "accident" some have only been married a month or so and were "surprised", others I have no idea. I've realized that I don't want anyone to have to struggle like I have, because, well, it sucks. It's taken a LONG time for me to get where I am, but I've found that trying to stay positive on my end is best. Don't get me wrong, it's hard. We all have those days where we just need a good cry, but luckily it's getting less and less.

    The worst part for me is when people directly ask when I'm going to have children or at a baby shower they say Oh you're next right. I don't think it's the words that hurt but the stupidity on their end. Likr, how many people are you saying this to who are also struggling? 

    As as far as online announcements, DH and I are debating on announcing and explaining our journey to raise awareness for those struggling with infertility. An old high school classmate of mind announced her pregnancy as well as stating that their first round of IVF was successful. This helped me knowing that I'm not alone. 
    Me: 29  DH:29
    Married: 10/6/2012
    TTC #1 since May 2013
    April 2017 - IUI #1- letrozole, Pregnyl - BFN
    May 2017 - IUI #2- letrozole, Pregnyl - BFN
    June 2017 - IUI #3- letrozole, Pregnyl- BFN
    July 2017 - IUI #4- letrozole, Pregnyl- BFN

    September 2017 - IVF Consult
    January 2018 - IVF - 2 Frozen Embryos
    March 2018 - FET #1
    April 2018  FET #1 - BFP! - ended in CP
    Sept 2018 - FET #2

  • Ha! When I saw the William and Catherine announcement, I felt a pang too... Those two have an embarrassment of riches! 

    I'm lucky because a lot of my friends are very sensitive and thoughtful when announcing their pregnancies. There have been a few people who have been kind of oblivious, but for the most part, people have been very kind to me. 

    That said, I've had a couple of hard days. 2-3 announcements have stung, usually because they came right after an IUI had failed or something. Then, I act happy for the couple, and try to be gentle with myself for a few days as I recover. I'm genuinely happy for the couple, and look forward to meeting the new child - it's just that the announcement is a reminder of what I don't have and how hard this path has been.

    It's not that I'm jealous that the couple has a baby - like, I want my own baby - it's that I'm sad for my struggle, and that I'm still trying so hard for something that comes so easily to others. I feel isolated too - while this couple is blissfully announcing their pregnancy, it seems like they're unaware of how painful their journey could have been. That part kind of rubs, the ignorance/lack of empathy. 

    So long as I focus on that: it's not that I'm jealous of the baby, I'm jealous of the ease of their journey - I find the announcements more manageable.

    My H and I are private people, so we'll likely be private in making the announcement. No big facebook posts here, and we'll email people who we suspect may be struggling, so they can process in their own time. 

    IF is brutal - the waiting, the cost, the endless mental struggle of it. It's very very hard to stay hopeful in the face of so much disappointment and uncertainty. If the roles were reversed - and I were the one happily announcing my pregnancy to someone who was struggling - I would not expect them to be overly happy for me. I try to treat myself with the same generosity; I don't beat myself up when I feel jealousy or sadness.

    I often think that we will all struggle - every single one of us will face great challenges. IF is a huge challenge, and I try very hard to be patient with myself and others. I hope that in the future, when others face challenges, that I will be able to be patient with them.

    Anyway, good luck!!

    Me: 34 DH: 35
    TTC #1 since Nov 2015.
    dx: unexplained
    Dec 2016 - Apr 2017 - IUI + clomid x 4 - all BFN
    July 2017 - IVF#1 - 4 frozen embryos, medical freeze
    Oct 2017 - D&C
    Nov 2017 - Apr 2018 - 3x FET - all BFN
    Sep 2018 - IVF#2 w PGS - 3 frozen normal embryos
    Nov 2018 - FET #4 - TBD

  • @funkykey So well said, thank you!

  • I agree with @ReesaAnne16 Every time you hear or see an announcement just think about how you will be the day it happens for you. My husband and I had a 6 year long infertility journey, and by the end of the 3rd year, I felt like you do. I hated celebrities, family members, everyone that came up pregnant. I thought it would never happen for me. I got super sensitive when people would gush over someone else's baby or ask me when I was going to have a child. My husband and I tried so many things too, but in the end, it happens when you least expect and are comfortable with just being yourself no matter what happens.  

  • I get *shamefully* jealous any time someone close to me announces. And I can't help but think, "they aren't as deserving as we are" and I pick apart their situation as to why I should be having the baby and not them. Of course I never voice my thoughts because I know that to any normal person they just seem completely irrational and I sound like a terrible person. In June I finally got my BFP.. We kept it a secret, but we each told one person and he told his brother. Well, a week later he had to call him again to tell him we it was a false alarm and we had CP. In that same conversation his brother told him that his wife was PG with twins. That one hurt. I felt like they were having "our" PG. Silly I know, but I just felt so cheated. I had a few weeks where I was just going through the motions, and would go home and sleep. I was definitely depressed. DH gave me the space I asked for, and after a little bit of time we had a heart-to-heart. He is such a positive person, and he really knows how to see the good in all things. It really helped me out at the time.

    So for the moment, I'm dealing. But that could change tomorrow lol. My BFF is a couple weeks away from having her "oops" baby, and I'm really trying to pep talk myself into keeping it together.

    As far as announcing, I want to do a simple announcement on FB. I for sure want to mention our struggles, so maybe the other ppl struggling won't be as upset when they see it. We've never "come out" publicly (per DH request) but I think when it comes that time, we'll be ready.
    Me: 33 / DH: 30
    Married: 10/19/13
    NTNP since 2010 / TTC since 2013
    DX: Unexplained
    June 2014 – Aug 2014 (3 cycles): Medicated cycles >> Letrozole + Trigger = BFN
    Sept 2014: IUI #1 >> Letrozole + Follistim + Trigger = BFN 
    Dec 2014: IUI #2 >> Letrozole + Follistim + Trigger = BFN 
    **2 Year Break**
    Sept 2016: Consult with RE, DH consult with Urologist
    Nov 2016: D&C to remove polyps >> RE required 6 month break
    May 2017: IUI #3 >> Letrozole + Follistim + Trigger = BFP >> MC/CP
    Aug 2017: IUI #4 >> Follistim + Trigger = BFN
    **on another break** 

  • Thank you for starting and participating in this discussion, I have struggled lately with many pregnancy announcements around me and some great points were made here.  I also agree that seeing a therapist, someone you can vent to, express your thoughts and strong emotions without any judgment can be extremely helpful.  Just take it easy on yourself, know that you're not alone, and these boards are proof that there are many, many women walking this strenuous, exhausting path alongside each of us.  Remain hopeful and have faith that someday will be your time, the strength inside each of us is impressive and I am just trying to remain positive and focused that while this journey is tough, hopefully the end result will be that much greater!.  
  • Hi- it took me 2 years to get pregnant through infertility treatments. I took countless Clomid, had shots and one surgery. I understand how you feel because I experienced that too. Every time there was pregnancy announcements, it’s not that I was not happy for them but it reminded me of something that I don’t have and it made me cry. The frustration of expecting positive result every cycle is just so overwhelming. Thankfully, I got pregnant after surgery, I announced it by just calling my close family and friends. I hope you will have your heart’s desire to have a child, I will be praying for you.

  • @tosh24 You bring up a really valid point about fawning over babies. Especially after having a third, do you really still need the excitement and validation like with your first? I'm sorry that your sister doesn't understand your struggle, but like @bethann1022 said, the people on this board understand and are right there with you. It's such a complex web of emotions when we encounter stuff like this. We're not hateful people and aren't NOT happy for others, but in order to really understand it, you have to have gone through it. And even then, everyone's experiences are so different that I sometimes feel alone even chatting with others on these boards. Like @funkykey said, just being gentle with yourself is probably the best way to get through all of this. Allowing yourself to feel how you're going to feel and not beating yourself up or feeling guilty for reacting the way you do. That just adds to the misery, and don't we have enough of that? :)

    Thanks everyone, for your input. It's been invaluable.

  • @FloridaStanley ; HAHAHAHAhahahahahaha. YESSSS.

  • @sarcasticowl I honestly agree with @FloridaStanley I cry - sometimes directly at the person because it catches me off guard (I'm apparently a shit friend but my emotions can't help it).  I actually deleted Facebook because it was just TOO hard.  Instagram is now my go-to and I stopped following anyone pregnant or with children.  It's helped a lot and it's actually improved my response with the people who I am closer with who  get pregnant while I'm waiting for my turn.  

    Maybe this is not the societal norm, but I say if your upset let it out.  I think its okay to say I'm glad for you but I'm crying because I'm trying and having trouble and it's all encompassing.  If anything I've found when I do that those people are more thoughtful, caring and better friends in the long run then those I've distanced myself from because they got pregnant and I didn't.

    Has anyone else noticed that their radar for if someone is going to tell them they are pregnant has improved?  I dodged someones calls for weeks because I just had this feeling and still balled when she told me lol.  
    Me 32 DH 36, Married 12/2013, TTC Since 9/2015
    Diagnosis: Unexplained 
    2 IVFs, 8 IUIs (2 Clomid, 6 Injectables)
    Nov '16: TI Clomid- 2 Follicles, BFN 
    Dec '17: IUI Clomid- 1 Follicle, BFN 
    Jan '17: TI Clomid - 1 Follicle, BFN 
    Feb '17: IUI Clomid - 1Follicle, BFN
    Mar '17: IUI Inject - Canceled (Cyst) 
    Jun '17: IVF Antagonist, 13ER, 10Fert (5ICSI, 5Nat)  - No Blasts, 1 D5T, BFN
    Sep '17: IVF Antagonist, 14 ER, 4 Fert (All ICSI) - 2 D3T, BFN
    Nov '17: IUI Inject - 4 Follicles, BFN
    Dec '17: Laparoscopy Endo - Neg (No Endo)
    Feb '18: IUI Inject - 4 Follicles, BFN 
    June '18: IUI Inject - 5 Follicles, BFP -> CP 
    Aug '18: IUI Inject - 1 Follicle, BFP -> Ectopic 
    Sep '18: IUI Inject - 7 Follicles, No Trigger, Missed O, BFN
    Currently on BCP to gear up for Nov '18 IUI 
  • When I see an announcement I allow myself to be upset And then move on. I feel ya girly.

    The hardest one for me was an ex friend of mine, I knew that she had PCOS too but while I've been trying for almost 2 years she luckily got pregnant after 4 month and only being on metformin...(this was shortly after we had a falling out) and shes a lot younger than me and so immature. What's worse is my husband knew about it for almost a week before I accidentally found out (he still sees her husband on a regular basis) he said he didn't tell me because he knew I would be upset.......and he's right but I was more upset because he should have told me instead of allowing me to be blindsided. I hate when people walk on egg shells around me. 

    Oh and I had a friend who NEVER wanted never. Sure she decided it was time because her husband wanted to have a baby......I know...its none of my business but still frustrating knowing how badly I want it and I can't and how much she didn't want it and she can.

    I do think that when it does happen. For me I will announce it on facebook. I have been open about my infertility on facebook and I have a lot of family and friends that live across the country so why shouldn't I be able to share the best news of my life with all of them on my facebook.

    Keep your chin up. I know it's hard. It's ok to be mad and upset. I was working when I found out about Kate Middleton......I could hear the TV in the background and I swear I rolled my eyes and had the same thought as you. 
  • I try hard to hide my bitterness. I try and remind myself though that I only know what people tell me, so they could have struggles of their own. I used to tell people I didn't want kids as a way to make them stop asking me about it. I finally started opening up to a few people about it, and it really helped.

    TW - On a sort of similar note, this reminds me of something that happened at the infertility office I go to. I was in the waiting room and this young girl walks in, probably just 17 years old, she was like 7 months pregnant and had her little boyfriend and her mom with her. They were all just yucking it up and having a great time and meanwhile this waiting room full of patients ALL seeking infertility treatment are just staring daggers through these people. I mean, if looks could kill, they wouldn't have made it through the door. The receptionist had to explain to them like 4 times that this is NOT an OB office. The whole thing hurt my brain, but I will never forget that room of icy stares for as long as I live, lol

  • @Crystal321 Holy. Shit. You can't even make that kind of thing up. Wow. I'm sure a lot of people cried in their cars on the way home that day. I hate when people bring their children to my clinic as well. I can understand not having childcare while you have an appointment but more often than not these women are accompanied by another adult, usually a woman their age or a mom-like figure. Couldn't they stay in the car or something? It's just callous.

  • @Crystal321 - Wow that is so insensitive! Do they not know that they just walked into an infertility clinic? There is rarely any chit chat in those waiting rooms... nothing good to talk about when you're there to get poked and prodded.

    As for the OP, gosh, pregnancy announcements always get the worst of me. I become some jealous enraged B, especially if we've been trying longer than they have been married (this happened twice to me). Then I'm angry at myself for not being happy for them. The cycle continues.
    My TTC journey:
    Me and DH: 30-35
    Unexplained infertility
    TTC #1 since 2015
    11/2015 - BFP!     12/2015 - MC  :'(
    IVF #1 July 2017 freeze all (20 eggs, 15 mature, 10 fert, 6 blasts, 4 PGS normal)
    FET #1 TBD  Surprise BFP 9/2017 while waiting for FET... hoping for the best!

    Pregnancy Ticker

  • @helloworld9 no, they had no idea. There is an OB office on another floor. Pretty sure they just went into the wrong office.

  • I met with some friends on the weekend and they shared they want to start trying for a baby. She is younger than me, almost obese, and we kept telling her for a while she should start losing weight and do some bloodwork just to make sure everything is alright. This time they also shared that 5 years ago she had an abortion. They did it without the condom, she took the Plan B next morning and still got pregnant. I was like, WTF???? I am sure she will get pregnant in no time...
    DOR (FSH 13, AMH 0.48, AFC 6-9)
    IVF #1 -2016 March, antagonist, 5 eggs, 2 fertilized, 3DT - 8 cell and 6 cell no frag, chemical pregnancy
    IVF #2 - 2016 June, micro dose lupron, 3 eggs, 1 fertilized, 3DT 6 cell, BFN
    IVF #3 - 2016 November, estrogen priming + antagonist, 9 follicles, 3 eggs, none fertilized
    IVF #4 - 2017 March, testosterone priming + micro dose lupron, 2 eggs, none fertilized
    IVF #5 - 2017 May, A/ACP protocol, 4 follicles out of 7 seemed to get to required size, ovulated before retrieval, converted into IUI - BFN
    IVF #6 - 2017 July, A/ACP protocol, 3 follicles one stopped growing, LH rising, converted to IUI - BFN
    IVF #7 - 2017 September, antagonist, 5 follicles, 6 eggs,  3 immature, 3 injected, 1 fertilized, stopped growing day 3
  • @marioana99 ; Exactly how I feel about all these heroin addicts having babies. They can take HEROIN and still get pregnant and carry to term? WTF is that?

  • That just seems to be the way the world works.

  • Also, honestly? Love her, but Hilaria Baldwin... how about lending me your amazing uterus? :( #fourkidsunder5

  • @sarcasticowl seriously right?!
    TTC 4 years. 7 failed IUI's with either Clomid, Femara and/or Trigger Shots. Started IVF journey in February 2017. Polyps removed in May. 1st IVF Transfer September 26th. BFP. Expected due date 6/14/18. Baby boy born 5/25/18 at 6 lb 9 oz. My bundle of joy. 
  • Also, seriously? April the giraffe is pregnant again 7 months after giving birth? GTFO.  :D :D :D :D :D

  • I have a good friend of mine who is the same age as me, 39. She and her fiancé decided to start trying when they had been together like 10 months. She is now almost 6 months pregnant. She was able to get pregnant so easily. I cried when she told me.  I’m happy for her but I’m also jealous. She understood my crying and felt bad but wanted to share her news, which I understand but she hasn’t really been around lately to be supportive of what I’m going through after I was supportive after she got pregnant. 
  • @bassetlover1 - I hear you, a good friend of mine who is 40 was married last May and she and her husband got pregnant on their first try. Their baby is due in March. I am also happy for her, and, jealous about how easy it was. She’s also a frequent social media poster, so she’s been posting about her pregnancy and the baby she’s expecting. I want to be there and be excited for her, and, it’s hard. I’ve taken a bit of a sabbatical from social media to limit the pain from all of the announcements.

    On top of that my co-worker ( who is also due in March) will be having her third child. She will have two children born in the time period that I have been on this IVF journey/rollercoaster...
  • It's been so hard to be on fb because of all pregnancy and baby announcements. Back in August after another failed IUI, I couldn't hold it in and I shared the pain. I had only a few close friends who knew what we were going through but not to the extent of the multiple appointments and drugs and the accompanied frustration. Ironically, so many people shared their IF stories with me - in comments as well as privately, and I didn't feel so alone. No one ever talks about it publicly. That said, my rant also made a friend avoid all together telling me that she was starting her 2nd trimester. I didn't find out until seeing random fb comments about baby items, and it was confirmed when I received her baby shower invitation. (I also felt the same way with William and Kate's pregnancy announcement.)

    Hearing co-workers are going on maternity leave is difficult too. Two women in my dept in the last 4 months have given birth. It's not so bad because I can hide behind a professional demeanor, but I still think, are you effing kidding me...why not me?! 

    And hearing people say RELAX is hilarious. I get that reaction as well as people telling me they'll pray for us and to just keep on trying. I just want to bluntly say, my CM isn't allowing DH's sperm in so we can try all we want but it's really up to the doctors!

    (Sorry for the long post - I've been lurking and finally posting!)
  • Oh, dear. I really wish you to be more positive. A lot of women spend lots of years to conceive. When they get pregnant, they want the whole world to know the news. It is absolutely normal reaction. After years of ttc and two failed IVF attempts I was completely depressed. Women around me were getting pregnant and I hated them. That’s why I completely understand your feelings. But when I got pregnant, I told everyone about my happiness. I wanted to shout as loud as possible. Believe me, the same will happen to you when you get pregnant.

    I was visiting the psychologist twice a week. My husband was doing everything possible to cope with this problem. It is very hard. There’s nothing worst than infertility. But I had to keep trying because I love my husband. I know that he desperately wanted to have kids. My biggest wish was to get pregnant and enlarge our family. That’s why my husband assured me to try the IVF one more time. I agreed and I got pregnant. It was a real miracle. Now I know that positive thoughts help to succeed faster. That’s why I wish you to be more positive. You will stop being so nervous. Just imagine that you got pregnant. What would you feel? Would you like your friends to know the news? Dive into that feeling. I’m sure it will help you to make your dream come true, dear.

    Don’t be afraid. Keep dreaming!

  • @holls214 What do you think ^^^? Troll?

  •  @sarcasticowl sure looks that way. Just imagine it.... ;) 
    TTC 4 years. 7 failed IUI's with either Clomid, Femara and/or Trigger Shots. Started IVF journey in February 2017. Polyps removed in May. 1st IVF Transfer September 26th. BFP. Expected due date 6/14/18. Baby boy born 5/25/18 at 6 lb 9 oz. My bundle of joy. 
  • @holls214 Yes, dear. Next thing we'll get to hear about her sister.

  • Seriously they posted on another board too saying look at me I’m a Mom... some people. *eye roll* 
    TTC 4 years. 7 failed IUI's with either Clomid, Femara and/or Trigger Shots. Started IVF journey in February 2017. Polyps removed in May. 1st IVF Transfer September 26th. BFP. Expected due date 6/14/18. Baby boy born 5/25/18 at 6 lb 9 oz. My bundle of joy. 
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