Trying to Get Pregnant
darkstar42
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Mental Health Check-in for the First Half of September
darkstar42
member
***This thread has a general trigger warning.***
There was some discussion in the Healthy Habits check-in about a mental health thread. Weekly seemed like it wasn't being used and monthly wasn't frequent enough, so what if we try bi-monthly (start one on the 1st of the month and then around the 16th?) Let's give it a shot.
This thread is a safe place for members to discuss their mental health, struggles, and successes while on the TTGP Board. This post can be replied to at any time during the month. Not limited to those with a diagnosis, but please be sensitive to others. We will attempt to be as flame free as possible!
Feel free to share, vent, or support other members on this thread. Share a picture/gif that expresses how you feel or provides some comfort.
If you need help getting started, try filling out the form below:
Diagnosis (if you have been) or What brings you to this thread today?:
Status (WTO/TWW/Benched/TTA):
How are you feeling?
Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.)
There was some discussion in the Healthy Habits check-in about a mental health thread. Weekly seemed like it wasn't being used and monthly wasn't frequent enough, so what if we try bi-monthly (start one on the 1st of the month and then around the 16th?) Let's give it a shot.
This thread is a safe place for members to discuss their mental health, struggles, and successes while on the TTGP Board. This post can be replied to at any time during the month. Not limited to those with a diagnosis, but please be sensitive to others. We will attempt to be as flame free as possible!
Feel free to share, vent, or support other members on this thread. Share a picture/gif that expresses how you feel or provides some comfort.
If you need help getting started, try filling out the form below:
Diagnosis (if you have been) or What brings you to this thread today?:
Status (WTO/TWW/Benched/TTA):
How are you feeling?
Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.)
Re: Mental Health Check-in for the First Half of September
Diagnosis (if you have been) or What brings you to this thread today?: No diagnosis, just dealing with the rollercoaster of emotions that comes with ttc.
Status (WTO/TWW/Benched/TTA): WTO, but waiting on crosshairs, so nearly TWW
How are you feeling? I was feeling pretty good until I ventured onto facebook. Saw another pregnancy announcement, from someone I went to grad school with, and that hit me pretty hard. I think this brings the count of people I know who are pregnant or have recently had babies up to 17. This combined with the nurse at the doctors office yesterday telling me how easily she got ku has me feeling pretty sad.
Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.) I'm not in treatment right now, but I may seek out a counselor if this cycle isn't the one.
That nurse should know better. I think it would be good to share this with the office as both a learning experience for her but also it might help to write down how that made you feel.
I hope you feel better soon.
DS: 6/1/18 (Pre-E; IUGR; seizures; NICU)
TTC #2: 12/2019
Sept 2020: HSG possible blocked right tube
Nov 2020: Letrozole + TI - BFN
Dec 2020: Letrozole + TI - BFP!!! EDD 9/18
Status (WTO/TWW/Benched/TTA): WTO
How are you feeling? Stressed and sad. I am waiting to see if my first round of clomid works or if my body still wont ovulate. It seems like everyone and their mother is pregnant and any time I mention struggles it gets pushed aside since I am too young. To top it off one of my good friends is pregnant and she complaints to me constantly.
Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.) I am just having a rough day it is cycle day 9 I am still on my period and feel like it will never end and I will never get pregnant.
@darkstar42 I am sorry you are having a rough day too. Facebook really sucks lately with all the pregnancy announcements.
ETA: Sorry if I missed the diagnosis referring to mental health and not fertility. I was diagnosed with depression years ago.
Status (WTO/TWW/Benched/TTA):. Benched
How are you feeling? I have ups and downs. I scheduled a D&C yesterday, so I like knowing there is an end in sight, at the same time, I hate it. I am anxious to get TTC again, and am hoping I am not benched for too long. Trying to remain positive that I responded well to clomid and was "successful" on my 2nd cycle.
Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.)
Right now, just having a rough day, but I really need to go to counseling or something. I am generally not dealing well with life, my brother died in December too, and we are currently staying with relatives because we sold our house quickly and haven't found anything we like.
@darkstar42, I get your sentiments about Facebook, I had to unfollow many people the last week. Hopefully it won't be necessary, but GL if you seek out a counselor.
@StephieBears88, good luck with your clomid cycle, fx you O!
@StephieBears88 That sucks that you're having a rough day too. I hope you get to take time to take care of yourself over the weekend. We all need to be extra kind to ourselves through this process.
@holly321 I'm so sorry for the losses you are dealing with, both with your MC and your brother. *hugs* I definitely found it useful to see a counselor when my father passed away. One thing that I would recommend is to check out multiple counselors to find one that works for you. Often therapists will offer a free first session or introductory meeting so that you can explore your options.
@darkstar42 - Thank you for starting this thread. I'm sorry that FB caused your additional grief. I don't go there nearly as much as I used to.
@StephieBears88 - I know it's not really a consolation, but there are a lot of empty ute's here and you never know who IRL might be struggling with fertility as well. I hope Clomid works well for you.
@holly321 - So sorry for your losses. Grief never goes away, but changes. I hope your heart can find peace soon.
DSS born 01/2016
TTC since 01/2017
Letrozole + TI = BFP 01/30/2018 | EDD 10/11/2018
So, I'm going to challenge everyone to try to develop more of a discussion and thoughtfulness around what we are feeling. I hope this allows others to feel like this is a thread where they belong as well.
@darkstar42, I've been there with Facebook sparking some tough TTC thoughts. I've tried to back away as much as possible from checking there. As others have said, try to remember that it is a place where people show their positive news, but other people have their shares of struggles as well. Before signing on, I try to ask myself, "Why are you going on Facebook right now? Are you in the right mindset for this at the present time?" What keeps you going there? Do you think it's feasible for you to take a break from it?
@StephieBears88, I'm there with you on the envy of seeing other pregnant. **TW** As someone who has gone through RPL this last year, I find myself always comparing how they look to how far I should be. I also find myself every month putting too much planning into how the timing of EDDs would work out, especially in the scope of work plans. **End TW** I am trying to more consciously recognize that this is not a rational response, and that so many people suffer TTC journeys just like some of us, and because it is not talked about, we just see someone who got supremely lucky, which is not always the case. I find that it brings me some peace to officially recognize those thoughts.
@holly321, I'm still so sorry to see you back here, and also to hear of the loss of your brother and the life struggles you're going through right now. I've also said many times in my past that I should seek out professional help for my RPL/MC struggles. I've also not followed through with that. I'm wondering what has kept you from following through with it? For me, I just keep telling myself that I'll get over it, and that I'll just get KU soon, so what's the point? This is completely irrational, as neither of these things will make my hurt or anxiety go away magically. I'm interested in hearing what goes on in others' heads regarding the hesitation.
And finally, I'm going to share something that has really helped me mentally lately. It's kind of silly, but has really helped give me some new perspective. I've started listening to the podcast "Harry Potter as a Sacred Text." That's right, sounds completely ridiculous. I find that listening to it when I have a lot on my mind helps me because I find a lot of parallels between the themes they analyze the chapters through in my own life right now. They even discuss in the first episode how the way we interpret a sacred text actually reflects more about our own feelings and experiences, and that really spoke to me when I was in a difficult time.
Me: 30 | DH: 31
Met: August 2006
Married: July 2012
TTC #1 since June 2016
***TW***
BFP: 7/12/16 | MC: 9/12/16
BFP: 1/18/17 | MMC: 2/13/17
BFP: 10/7/17 | EDD: 6/21/17
MTHFR: homozygous A1298C
I really needed this check-in this week.
Diagnosis: Depression, Anxiety
Status: WTO
How are you feeling? Increasingly bad. There's a lot following, so the TL;DR version is that I'm just in a bad place right now and I'm struggling to keep myself together.
Spoiler'ing because it's long.
After talking with others to help figure out the root of my anxiety (thank God for friends), I took initiative to talk to my scheduler about switching to a different office on occasion - which results in me talking to the manager of that office about what was going on and what my concerns were. It was a great meeting, I thought it would be productive; she never did anything after that to address the person who was causing most of my anxiety (basically; she was leaving her desk 75% of the time for trivial things, I was left alone to do everything on the front end, and when she was at her desk she was either using her desk phone to make personal calls or was on her cell phone -- so I was basically left to do 2+ peoples' jobs by myself). The manager was super nice to me for a couple of days, and then started degrading me in front of other co-workers for suggestions I made (for improving their check-in system, scheduling, etc.; things that other offices were already doing, that they could implement to be more efficient), and that escalated to her completely ignoring me by my last day filling in. I got a hug from the Echo Tech on my last day filling in for the summer, and I actually ended up crying as I left because I was so relieved that I wasn't going to be back for a while.
On the home-front, H has been getting on my nerves to no end. He usually has a beer or two after getting home from work - and that's no biggie, I see nothing wrong with that. But the past week he's taken it a step too far and has been having more than a couple of drinks when he gets home. His behaviour is fine - but the drinking itself is not. It creates a huge drift in our relationship. We haven't had sex in a week - which isn't completely new because when we're both stressed neither of us are interested in sex. But, we're TTGP. I took solace in the knowledge that I hadn't gotten any positive OPKs, or even close-to-positives. And then I had a temp spike yesterday. And I'm right around my usual O-date. Meaning we'll either have really bad timing, or absolutely no timing. It's causing me more anxiety because pre-sleep chatting has always been our thing, so we usually have some sort of discussion when we're in bed but not ready to fall asleep yet; and we haven't done that in a week, either. In fact, we haven't really talked in a week, because school's been keeping me busy with orientations and homework, and his work has been keeping him busy as well. We're both stressed and tired, and it's really taking it's toll on me. I have chronic self-esteem issues, so I have really bad nights when he spends an hour on the phone with his friends and then falls asleep as soon as we're done with dinner and go upstairs, and doesn't "save" any time to talk to me. I've talked to him before about cutting down those conversations, because he has all day while he's at work to talk to his friends (they're pretty much all truck drivers; they all can talk on the phone while driving), and only a few hours before bed to spend time with us. He says he gets it, and then always has an excuse. It makes me feel less important than his friends, which leads to self-sabotage and me trying to figure out what I did wrong, when logically I know I've done nothing. I told him last night that we're going to have zero timing for this TTC cycle, and this morning he apologized for passing out on me again last night.
On top of all that, I'm trying to be more conscientious of what I eat and how active I am, and I've been able to increase my activity, but food has fallen by the way-side. As a result, I've gained 5 pounds in the past 2-3 weeks. Which to some people isn't a lot, but I'm already overweight; 5 pounds is substantial to me. It makes me feel like more of a failure than I already feel like I am.
That was incredibly long and I doubt anyone actually read through that entire thing - but, I feel a little better just getting it all off of my chest. I wasn't kidding when I said I needed this check-in.
Where are you in your mental health journey? Medications and journaling ATM.
Me: 30 | DH: 34 | DSS: 14 | DS: 4
PG #2, EDD 10/12/2023
Also wanted to say that you are absolutely not a failure. It's so easy to try to make everything better all at once but I try to remind myself to focus on just one thing at a time. Have you heard of Brene Brown? She has TEDtalks and several books on shame and vulnerability that are great. One of them I read recently, called The Gifts of Imperfection, was really awesome.
I'll stop now...again, sorry if I said too much!
DD1: 8/2014
TTC #2: 6/2017
BFP 8/3/2017 | CP 8/4
BFP 10/16/2017 | CP 10/21
BFP 12/18/2017 | CP 12/28
BFP 2/15/2018 | EDD: November 2nd | It's a girl!
DD2: 10/2018
I've never heard of Brene Brown, but I'll definitely have to look in to her now. Thank you so much!
Me: 30 | DH: 34 | DSS: 14 | DS: 4
PG #2, EDD 10/12/2023
I think what I'm noticing in myself is that as the months of ttc stack up I'm having an increasingly hard time responding to setbacks as I normally would. I've dealt with depression in the past, and I worry that I'm heading that way again. Rather than just feeling sad, I'm feeling more and more hopeless. I do have a therapist I've seen in the past who I can hopefully seek out again if I need to, but just like @icecubeinthedesert said, I keep thinking I'll get ku soon, so what's the point? I'm getting to the point now though, where I think I'll set up an appointment if this cycle doesn't work out.
@izza2 *hugs* I'm so sorry you're struggling right now. That doctors appointment sounds awful. When you see your regular doctor, are you comfortable sharing that experience with her? She should know that one of her colleagues treated you so poorly. Your work situation sounds so stressful, but I'm glad you were able to take some steps to relieve some of the work anxiety. I hope that helps a bit. Is there a possibility of seeing a counselor with YH? I'm not trying to provide a diagnosis or anything, but it sounds like you are both trying to cope with stress in ways that are somewhat incompatible.
H and I have talked about joint/couples-counseling previously. At times he's interested and wants to do it, other times he's completely opposed. I've tried finding counselors that are right in town so that we could go right after work or something, and there's pretty much no one closer than half an hour away that does couples counseling. One of the cons of living in a rural area.
Me: 30 | DH: 34 | DSS: 14 | DS: 4
PG #2, EDD 10/12/2023
@darkstar42. You did a great job looking back &realizing you are having a more difficult time responding to situations as TTC progresses. Being mindful of your symptoms and red flags for relapse is so important. Getting into the therapist for a booster session BEFORE you completely feel lost in depression again may be helpful. Hugs to you, too.
My PSA for the day: If you decide to seek counseling in the future, you may look under psychologist, counselors, as well clinical social workers. All 3 professions are similar, yet somehat different in approaching MI & treatment. Employers often have employee assistance programs (EAP) that offer anywhere from 2-10 free sessions. I loved @icecubeinthedesert 's notion of why the hesitation to schedule? Why not schedule an appointment & cancel of need be? I've seen this worksheet before in a self-help book that has you list all your barriers/excuses, what you can do to remedy them, and create and action plan. This doesn't work for everyone. When I see my excuses written down, I tend to get more motivated because I see them as excuses.
I have MDD and a hx of an ED. TD;DR: I feel defeated with my antidepressant dosage. I am over eating in response to stress and emotions,
Additionally, I joke about it, but I've seriously been eating my feelings the past month. Now, mountains of pounds later, I feel unattractive and unlovable because of it at times.
There you have it. Mental illness is real. And it impacts so.freaking.many "everyday" people. Yet, it is still so stigmatized. It is much appreciated @pebbledam and @icecubeinthedesert reiterated the purpose of this thread.
ETA: because I will never type correctly the first time.
Status (WTO/TWW/Benched/TTA): TWW
How are you feeling? On the brink of another depression episode but I don't think I'm in danger yet of out being severe, unmotivated to do daily tasks, just completely overwhelmed
Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.)
Backstory:
I have struggled for years with depression. My mother is bipolar and has severe manic depression...i spent most of my highschool years caring for her as my dad was a contractor in Iraq for five years, and I was the only child left at home. She has the mentality of a 15 year old, and has no coping mechanisms at all. So I feel like I learned a lot of my bad coping habits from her, and always thought they were normal till I realized they were far from it. My earliest episode was my freshman year of highschool. I quit eating, quit self care, and generally didnt get out of bed except to go to school....Here I am 15 years later and still trying to find my happiness. I dont want it to sound like im never happy, because I am, but I always have that nagging heavy feeling in the back of my mind. That black hole...its exhausting trying to stay focused and talk yourself out of all the self hate and detrimental thoughts all the time.
Currently:
Not medicated, but seriously considering something for my anxiety. I've started having panic attacks in public. I get dizzy, sweaty, heart racing, and feel like I want to scream in crowds. My latest one was a few weeks ago. We were at a popular tourist site and we were climbing these steep stairs, and someone nudged my back by accident at about the halfway point, and I just froze....Like couldn't move. I felt like I was going to pass out and I just started bawling. I had a white knuckle grip on the banister, and didn't move for about five minutes. My husband had to come back for me. It was so embarrassing later. I also tend to have them in the grocery store. Nothing like bawling your eyes out in the produce department! I've also started a nasty habit from my younger days where I constantly pick at my lips, and tear skin off them until they bleed...ugh. I'm a mess.
I've been having a rough few days on the depression front but I know myself well enough that I don't think I'm on the verge of a major episode yet as long as I can get it under control. I think it mainly is coming from school starting back up for me, work trips and a new position for my husband, and being away from family for nine months now...our military lifestyle is not for the faint hearted for sure. It's incredibly isolating, and even more so when you can't leave your house for fear of having another panic attack.
I think medication would probably benefit me greatly but I have such guilt over it. My husband's job is one that if anyone is on depression or anxiety meds in the family, it limits him career wise because of security clearance reasons....He's told me before that he doesn't care, and that he wants me to get what I need....but still. I feel terrible about the possibility of him missing opportunities because of me
Me: 30 | DH: 34 | DSS: 14 | DS: 4
PG #2, EDD 10/12/2023
@josie12367 *hugs* I'm sorry you're having such a rough time right now. I know in the past when I've seen a therapist they always have to give some diagnosis to get insurance to pay for it. When I haven't quite met criteria for depression or anxiety I've been diagnosed with "acute adjustment disorder", which basically means having trouble coping with a particular life situation. I wonder if I diagnosis like that would have an affect on your husband's career. If not, perhaps you could talk to a therapist about coding your treatment under that so that you could get help.