STM Guilt?

momo214

This may be caused in part from hormones and in part from being an only child, but I wanted to see if any other moms feel a slight pange of guilt that their first born will no longer be their one and only. My world revolves around my daughter who is 3 and while she really wants a sister or brother, I still realize she will have less one on one time with us. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited our family is growing but I still have a small piece of guilt. Any advice from other moms or anyone else with similar feelings?

ivyvines6

I'm somewhat going through this. J has been the light of my life since he was brought earthside and I'm sad that it won't be just him anymore. 

Cerisrichard

I feel a bit like that in hindsight DS 1 was only 19months when DS2 came along. But I think what they lose in one on one time, they gain in having a sibling. My two are really starting to play together! I was an only and never wanted my kids to be...
Now I have a little TTM guilt - lol.
I also try to arrange one on one time with each to do activities, like when DS2 naps or when DH gets home!

yesthisiskim0401

Totally, totally normal. 
When I was pregnant with DD2, I couldn't even imagine loving another baby as much as I loved DD1. I felt guilty all around. And then she was born and it was instant love. Kinda like the Grinch, I felt my heart grow twice in size. Watching DD1 become a big sister has been the best; I know I gave her a friend for life. And watching her immediately love this tiny human made my heart explode. 
Whenever I feel guilty, I do one on one dates with my girls. We call it "filling their love tank". My DD1 loves our surprise love tank days! 

I promise you, it all works out. 

katie121209

I worry about this too everyone tell me I can love them both equally as much but I love DD so much it's hard to imagine! I was an only child so don't know what it feels like to have a sibling. 

ivyvines6

I have the end game in mind though...  One day I will be able to pee without a child standing on my feet and trying to grab my underwear.  Most likely because they will be plotting together and pulling the everything off of the bookshelves, but still,  goals people.

3littles3angels

I'm due with my 4th child but when I had my second child my first was only 10 months old. He only got to be the baby for 10 months...not even that really cause I was always so tired. I couldn't really play when he started to site up and get mobile. Almost 8 years later I still feel bad but you get through it. 

Cerisrichard

Knottie9983816 said:

I have the end game in mind though...  One day I will be able to pee without a child standing on my feet and trying to grab my underwear.  Most likely because they will be plotting together and pulling the everything off of the bookshelves, but still,  goals people.

Ha ha, emptying bookshelves is my sons favourite morning activity! DS1 currently posts them all down the back of his bed as 'coals' for his 'steam train' (toddler bed). I've had to move all except the board books into our foster room... Lol

momo214

Thanks everyone! I'm glad I'm not the only one. That's why we're here so we don't all feel totally crazy, right? Appreciate the advice from my veteran moms too. I know my heart is just going to explode and I'll definitely have to plan some date days for one on one time. 

Kendrajos

A little bit. DS just turned 6. He's always wanted either a little sister or brother, since he was probably about 2, he started asking for one. All his friends have always had siblings and he's always been wonderful with younger kids. But he's always been my only baby! I have a hard time imagining being able to love another baby like I always have him, and that's where the guilt really lies. He will be almost 7 by the time he has a little brother or sister, as long as this pregnancy goes well. So they won't be close in age, they won't exactly grow up together like best friends or friendly rivals but more like parallel, he's already in school, so I will have all day with the baby at home, just like i did with him when he was a baby. Both my SO and I are very hands on but I just feel guilty that even when he's home i won't be able to give him 100% of my attention. I do take solace in the fact that he really wants a sibling, even a baby. 

millette2015

I could literally bawl like a baby at the thought of it not just being the 3 of us anymore. Don't get me wrong - I want this pregnancy sooo much and am extremely excited. But everything is going to change. My boy will no longer be my only child, and it's going to be different, and it makes me just want to hold him and cry. Maybe I'll feel differently when these hormones settle down.

char245

@Kendrajos my sister and I are eight years apart. So in some ways it was like we were only children for a while but there are definite benefits to that and now she is one of my best friends. I completely understand the STM guilt that you're feeling but hopefully they will be super close too!

Kendrajos

Thank you @char245 ! It's good to hear that you became close with your sister plus the benefits of only child attention for both of you!

ivyvines6

@Kendrajos I have a lot of younger siblings (5 to be exact) The age different between myself and my next sister is 18 months. We barely talk, and still don't get along. My next sister is six years younger, we get along much better, but now that she has a boyfriend and has moved out she's busy with her own life. My brother is seven years younger and we don't get along at all. (Also his girlfriend is an evil sucubis. And I just realized I'm not sure how to spell that O.O) Next sister is a decade younger and we are the closest out of all of us. Then my youngest sister is eleven years younger and we get along better than the sister closest to me in age. 

This isn't going to be the case with everyone, but my point is that age doesn't necessarily mean your kiddos are going to be super close, or distant. Peoples is peoples, ya know?

kat11223344

As I bump right now, my two boys are racing cars on our painters tape racetrack, taking turns winning the piston cup. They've been going for a solid hour with no end in sight. Not going to lie, it was hard for awhile, but the relationship they have as they get older is amazing to watch. They're best friends- giving P a sibling was the greatest gift to both of them.

Annnnnnnd as I finish this, they've moved on from race cars and are now pretending to fart on each other and then fall down laughing hysterically. Charming.

cups4

My dad told me I was ruining DS's life but it was ok because he ruined mine with my little sister   I think the closer I get this will hit me more, but other than fatigue and nausea it's not real for me yet.

zaclina

I enjoyed this posting... I've actually had the flip side of mom-guilt in this case, telling myself: "I have to give her a sibling or she will miss out, and then I'll regret it but it will be too late because my eggs will be nothing more than crinkled up husks."

Yeah, ok. Rationally, I know this is not true (regarding only children/needing to have a sibling) but there it is. Irrational mom guilt.  Damned if you do, damned if you don't.  

FrancisD.

@zaclina I feel the same way.  I actually think that genes create a tie that is very difficult to break, and we all need people who feel bound to us in this world where we throw each other away so easily.

Kennedy0830

@cups4 I'm the best thing to happen to you!!! Dad had a couple more 4 letter words for me through his laughter 

But for real, I had a little guilt as trying to imagine my family outside of the 3 of us is hard. We also have a French bulldog that DH likes to call his 'best friend', so the poor dog will get even less attention.