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Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
HowlCircus
member
Loss & Breakup
HowlCircus
member
I know I have been gone for a very long time. I decided to reach out to give hope to anyone who needs it.
In January 2016 I had an early miscarriage for a very much planned and wanted baby. My SO at the time and I experienced the loss and it tore us apart. He started heavily drinking and not coming home. I cried non-stop for months and was suicidal (I had suffered from depression previously). I had been in counseling and I started going more often after my loss. After I struggled to salvage our relationship. He decided to move out of the house. We tried to fix things even after that but we decided to part ways. I have since gone on anti-depressants, stayed in counseling, honored my loss publicly and privately. I have moved in two female roommates to help the financial burden of owning house on my own at a young age. I could have never imagined surviving all of that. I was so low and never in a million years ever thought I'd be happy again without my baby.
The point of this post is to encourage anyone struggling with loss and other life events all in one. The sense of hopelessness I felt was very real. I moved in with parents at the age of 26 and vocally put myself on suicide watch and stayed with them. It was the hardest thing I've ever done to admit that the miscarriage broke my spirit and I didn't want to live. It does get better. Please reach out and get help! I am proof that you can come out of this, survive and find happiness.
I'm almost a year and a half past my miscarriage and I can say I have accepted my loss. I have chose to live to make him (my baby) proud of me. I still talk to my baby and have faith for the future. I also still break down and cry some days but I only allow myself so much time to cry. I force myself to pick myself up and make the best of my day.
I have met someone recently who is a great man. He and I communicate better than anyone else I know. He now knows what I've been through and was so good to me when listening to my story. He acknowledges that I went through a trauma and that it meant a lot to me. I'm not healed nor will I ever be but I have found happiness. I have made new friends and had people share their experiences with me and asked me for advice on how to help their sister with a loss. I'm honored my openness has allowed people to have an honest conversation about loss. I am blessed to have become stronger and a more empathetic person from this. I cherish the man I have in my life now and although I have no clue what the future holds I am finally looking forward to it.
Please if you are struggling reach out to a professional and others.
Below is the post I made on Facebook:
"I'm sharing my story in hopes of inspiring others to break their silence. SEPTEMBER 22nd the Autumn Equinox...this was my due date for a baby I will never have. I lost my baby. Miscarriage isn't a word that you hear often. We hear about breast cancer which sadly effects 1 in 8. Miscarriage effects double that! 1 in 4 women who become pregnant will suffer a loss. So for every third pregnancy on Facebook remember there is a fourth person you know who is suffering in silence. I want those silent women to know they aren't alone. They may not like this post or comment but they will read it all the way through I promise you. I know this because you're sure when it happens to you that you're the only one. You feel alone and all those emotions like did I do something wrong? Was it my fault? Am I broken? How did this happen? Why? Doctors have told me over and over I did everything right but this just happens. These women like me will still ask those questions to themselves over and over. I run things through my head but I was on prenatal vitamins, I don't smoke, I didn't drink, not even coffee, I ate organic. Only over time and research do you come to realize you aren't alone and no it's not your fault. Stigma is something that keeps us all quiet. I kept it secret because fear of judgement. I hope people can come from a place of compassion and not from a place of judgement. I have suffered and cried more than I could ever imagine anyone crying. You think you know yourself and how you would handle a situation like that. Trust me toss that idea out the window because everyone I have come across through this has had that in common they never knew how deeply it would hurt. Tears and devastation. A world collapsing around you. No instructions on how to rebuild. I rebuilt me very slowly and it's still a process. Today in more sensitive, my walls I once had are just rubble from the earthquake. The false carelessness I used to project is something I'm puzzled by now. Why do we pretend not to care? I can't understand it any longer because I'm not afraid to care. Caring is not weak it is strong. Pain is possible because love exists. I loved that baby for all the weeks we had. No one can take away that joy from me. Not having people to reach out to can add to the pain. Having loving family and close friends can be a saving grace. I'm not just a statistic though I am a woman who lost her baby and that is a very hard thing. It's important to remember you do know someone who has been through it. It's just not talked about.
In January 2016 I had an early miscarriage for a very much planned and wanted baby. My SO at the time and I experienced the loss and it tore us apart. He started heavily drinking and not coming home. I cried non-stop for months and was suicidal (I had suffered from depression previously). I had been in counseling and I started going more often after my loss. After I struggled to salvage our relationship. He decided to move out of the house. We tried to fix things even after that but we decided to part ways. I have since gone on anti-depressants, stayed in counseling, honored my loss publicly and privately. I have moved in two female roommates to help the financial burden of owning house on my own at a young age. I could have never imagined surviving all of that. I was so low and never in a million years ever thought I'd be happy again without my baby.
The point of this post is to encourage anyone struggling with loss and other life events all in one. The sense of hopelessness I felt was very real. I moved in with parents at the age of 26 and vocally put myself on suicide watch and stayed with them. It was the hardest thing I've ever done to admit that the miscarriage broke my spirit and I didn't want to live. It does get better. Please reach out and get help! I am proof that you can come out of this, survive and find happiness.
I'm almost a year and a half past my miscarriage and I can say I have accepted my loss. I have chose to live to make him (my baby) proud of me. I still talk to my baby and have faith for the future. I also still break down and cry some days but I only allow myself so much time to cry. I force myself to pick myself up and make the best of my day.
I have met someone recently who is a great man. He and I communicate better than anyone else I know. He now knows what I've been through and was so good to me when listening to my story. He acknowledges that I went through a trauma and that it meant a lot to me. I'm not healed nor will I ever be but I have found happiness. I have made new friends and had people share their experiences with me and asked me for advice on how to help their sister with a loss. I'm honored my openness has allowed people to have an honest conversation about loss. I am blessed to have become stronger and a more empathetic person from this. I cherish the man I have in my life now and although I have no clue what the future holds I am finally looking forward to it.
Please if you are struggling reach out to a professional and others.
Below is the post I made on Facebook:
"I'm sharing my story in hopes of inspiring others to break their silence. SEPTEMBER 22nd the Autumn Equinox...this was my due date for a baby I will never have. I lost my baby. Miscarriage isn't a word that you hear often. We hear about breast cancer which sadly effects 1 in 8. Miscarriage effects double that! 1 in 4 women who become pregnant will suffer a loss. So for every third pregnancy on Facebook remember there is a fourth person you know who is suffering in silence. I want those silent women to know they aren't alone. They may not like this post or comment but they will read it all the way through I promise you. I know this because you're sure when it happens to you that you're the only one. You feel alone and all those emotions like did I do something wrong? Was it my fault? Am I broken? How did this happen? Why? Doctors have told me over and over I did everything right but this just happens. These women like me will still ask those questions to themselves over and over. I run things through my head but I was on prenatal vitamins, I don't smoke, I didn't drink, not even coffee, I ate organic. Only over time and research do you come to realize you aren't alone and no it's not your fault. Stigma is something that keeps us all quiet. I kept it secret because fear of judgement. I hope people can come from a place of compassion and not from a place of judgement. I have suffered and cried more than I could ever imagine anyone crying. You think you know yourself and how you would handle a situation like that. Trust me toss that idea out the window because everyone I have come across through this has had that in common they never knew how deeply it would hurt. Tears and devastation. A world collapsing around you. No instructions on how to rebuild. I rebuilt me very slowly and it's still a process. Today in more sensitive, my walls I once had are just rubble from the earthquake. The false carelessness I used to project is something I'm puzzled by now. Why do we pretend not to care? I can't understand it any longer because I'm not afraid to care. Caring is not weak it is strong. Pain is possible because love exists. I loved that baby for all the weeks we had. No one can take away that joy from me. Not having people to reach out to can add to the pain. Having loving family and close friends can be a saving grace. I'm not just a statistic though I am a woman who lost her baby and that is a very hard thing. It's important to remember you do know someone who has been through it. It's just not talked about.
I will say there are things you should not say and I'm sharing them only in hopes that people will be sensitive with their words. "Everything happens for a reason" anything that has to do with "god's plan" or starting with "well at least..." just say you're sorry for their loss. You can even admit you don't know how to comfort them. Say you're thinking of them but never minimize people's feelings or loss. A loss is a loss no matter how you spin it. Be the shoulder to cry on...that's the best thing you can do.
With all the love I have xo
Natalie"
Re: Loss & Breakup
CP 1/25/16 4.5 weeks, developed Graves' disease
*lurker*
This is incredibly touching. Thank you so much for sharing your journey.
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