Pregnant after a Loss

Never not PgAL? (Sort-of intro)

jesuisjamiejesuisjamie member
edited July 2017 in Pregnant after a Loss
**TW**

Hi everyone. This is long, so if you stick with me to the end, you'll get the cookie or the medal ;). I feel strange intro-ing here because I have been a long time lurker on this board in my previous pregnancies. I joined The Bump in early 2011 and, after a few months of trying, fell pregnant for the first time. Lost that pregnancy early but went on to fall pregnant again soon after. That second pregnancy seemed to be progressing normally until our first scan about a month in, which revealed a blighted ovum that ended in a D&C in November of 2011.

Following our two losses, and with great fear and trepidation, I began lurking and occasionally participating in TTCAL. After several months of preventing, in April 2012, we went on to conceive our rainbow baby, but suffered from a threatened miscarriage and spent the first several months paralyzed with anxiety. I moved to PgAL and was again a lurker/occasional participant, but found a tremendous amount of comfort and solace in being a part of a community that seemed to so understand how my mind worked. That third pregnancy ended in the birth of our rainbow baby. I went on to have our second daughter in June of 2015 following a relatively drama-free pregnancy (albeit coping with tremendous anxiety all along). Again, I lurked here from time to time, but since I was juggling parenting, working full-time and getting my Masters degree, I never really had the time to jump in and participate. 

Now I find myself pregnant for a fifth time (4 weeks today), ostensibly with baby number three, and I cannot shake the fear and anxiety that has been present in all of my previous pregnancies.  I feel robbed of the joy and innocence that pregnancy is "supposed" to bring.  My husband, best friend, mom, and brother already know, and when I told each one of them, it was definitely tinged with a heavy amount of "we'll see what happens" and "let's not get too excited." The fear is at times crippling, and I struggle to go about my daily tasks, which isn't easy with a 2yo & 4yo running around. 

The thing is, I'm intro-ing to both ask a question and ask permission: my question is, does PgAL brain ever end, even after successful pregnancies? I mean, I'm not "technically" immediately PgAL- I've had two babies since our last loss. But my brain definitely feels PgAL, the same as it always has. I read through the threads on the BMB I joined, and I see such joy and excitement and not a shred of the paralyzing anxiety I am experiencing (not that I begrudge anyone their joy: I would never wish our past losses on anyone, ever, anywhere). The ladies have been incredibly welcoming and helpful and wonderful, but so much just doesn't feel like it "fits" quite like PgAL does.

And now for the permission: I guess what I'm trying to get around to saying is, would I be welcome to join in with you ladies, even if I don't strictly fit the definition of PgAL? Can I be considered "once (twice, in my case) PgAL, always PgAL?" 

I just don't think I will ever be capable of relaxing and enjoying pregnancy the way others do. 

Thanks for for taking the time to read, and I hope I can join you in the sandbox. 
TTC #1 since 6/2011 ~ BFP #1: 8/19/2011; C/P 8/27/2011 ~ BFP #2: 9/28/2011; Blighted Ovum DX 10/19/2011; D&C 11/2/2011 ~ (DX 1/2012 w/ hetero MTHFR) ~ BFP #3: 5/3/2012 (RX BA & Progesterone supplements) EDD 1/11/2013 PLEASE be our rainbow baby ~ Ultrasound @ 7 weeks 5/25: We have a heartbeat! :)BabyFetus Ticker image

Re: Never not PgAL? (Sort-of intro)

  • byrnemebyrneme member
    edited July 2017
    Hi there! Congrats on your BFP! You are so in the right spot. I think all of us here can relate to how you feel on many levels- including the sadness of being robbed of that innocence and the BMB boards. Honestly, I gave up on my bmb board fairly quick preferring to stay here and on the PGaIF boards- everyone is just a) so much easier to relate to and b) it's a smaller community so you feel like you get to know people. 

    Whoops, hit post too early. Anyways, I don't think there is a true pgal definition. Once you have had a loss, it sticks with you!


    *** TW**

    Me: 37, DH:39
    Met: 2002 | Married: 2004 | TTC since January 2014
    July 2015: MMC @ 9 wks | August 2015: Chemical
    March, April, May & June 2016: Medicated IUIs | BFN 
    August 2016: Started Stims 8/22
    September 2016: Egg Retrieval 9/4 | 13 Mature Eggs | 10 Fertilized | 3 Blastocytes | 1 PGS Normal Embaby 
    November 7, 2016: FET - BFP!
    EDD 7/25/17
    Zoey Alexis born 7/25/17 @ 12:39 PM | 7lbs 14oz | 19 inches
  • Thank you @byrneme for making me feel so welcome! :) I agree- community here does seem incredibly supportive and close-knit. 
    TTC #1 since 6/2011 ~ BFP #1: 8/19/2011; C/P 8/27/2011 ~ BFP #2: 9/28/2011; Blighted Ovum DX 10/19/2011; D&C 11/2/2011 ~ (DX 1/2012 w/ hetero MTHFR) ~ BFP #3: 5/3/2012 (RX BA & Progesterone supplements) EDD 1/11/2013 PLEASE be our rainbow baby ~ Ultrasound @ 7 weeks 5/25: We have a heartbeat! :)BabyFetus Ticker image
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  • Welcome @jesuisjamie! This board is awesome and very helpful and supportive! Congrats on the BFP!
    Me: 28 DH: 29
    Married: 4-25-2014
    TTC: March 2015
    BFP: 2-18-16
    Confirmed MMC: 3-31-16
    D&C: 4-2-16
    TTCAL: May 2016
    IUI: 5/13/17-Femara and Trigger, POAS 5/27/17 BFP 5/27/17



    BabyFruit Ticker
  • Agree with everyone above. Once a pgal mama, always a pgal mama (and as someone who works in mental health, with trauma survivors a lot, it's perfectly normal that the anxiety sticks around for a long time and is reactivated with each pregnancy). I did find a home in my bmb, but feel most connected to the other pgal ladies there. I definitely feel robbed of the excitement that some of the others had, but appreciated some of the other threads (like steals and deals, or registry suggestions) that tend to happen on those boards. 
  • @jesuisjamie We are in the same BMB so I selfishly hope you stick around. I'm new here too but I agree with PP, any pregnancy after any loss is going to have PGAL brain. Honestly, we just had a MC at the beginning of June and so I'm terrified that this pregnancy isn't real. A loss of innocence is a good way to describe it... Sending creepy internet hugs.
  • Welcome @jesuisjamie! Congrats on your BFP and sending you positive vibes for a healthy pregnancy. We told my inlaws this weekend, with that same hesitation--"don't get too excited". You are correct in saying that suffering a previous loss does rob you of that innocent joy in the early days of pregnancy. But remember, today, you are pregnant! 
  • jesuisjamiejesuisjamie member
    edited July 2017
    Thank you so much @nmd9168, @optbaby2017, @mdfarmchick, and @magnolia305! You have all made me feel very welcome. 

    @mdfarmchick I will definitely stick around our BMB.  :) It really is shaping up to be a wonderfully supportive group. I definitely didn't feel like the board itself made me feel unwelcome. It was just that general sense of lonlieness when you realize how much you've lost, and how hard it is to claim the joy that should rightfully be ours in pregnancy. So much guilt there.  :(

    @magnolia305 I must say my in-laws are the group I least look forward to telling. They're extremely religious- not that there's anything wrong with that- it's just we're not, and they (MIL in particular) don't really understand the grieving and loss process. MIL can be scaldingly insensitive and frankly offensive when it comes to the fear my husband and I always experience in pregnancy, but she loves to give us the tired platitudes about losing babies ("just more angels in heaven looking out for you!"). It gets really old and painful. I'm still not sure when I'll feel comfortable telling them. Maybe en route to l&d in 9 months?  ;)
    TTC #1 since 6/2011 ~ BFP #1: 8/19/2011; C/P 8/27/2011 ~ BFP #2: 9/28/2011; Blighted Ovum DX 10/19/2011; D&C 11/2/2011 ~ (DX 1/2012 w/ hetero MTHFR) ~ BFP #3: 5/3/2012 (RX BA & Progesterone supplements) EDD 1/11/2013 PLEASE be our rainbow baby ~ Ultrasound @ 7 weeks 5/25: We have a heartbeat! :)BabyFetus Ticker image
  • @jesuisjamie I definitely understand. Today I am pregnant. And today I am still nervous and doubtful and afraid to embrace this journey.
    also, your ILs sound annoying. I am on your side for not telling them until you are holding a baby. More angels?  :s
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