Need Advice Regarding Family Wedding — The Bump
January 2018 Moms

Need Advice Regarding Family Wedding

Ladies! I need you bad right now. My niece is getting married, which is awesome. I truly am over the moon excited for her. She's been asking me for planning tips because I planned my own fabulous wedding nearly 4 years ago. I'm stoked to be involved. However, yesterday, she dropped a bomb on me via text and TOLD me that I was in the wedding. I had no idea she was going to ask me to be in the wedding. She also told me that the bridesmaid dress she picked out was $250, to which I replied, wow that is a lot of money. She then proceeded to let me know that I can afford it. 

This is is not convenient for my life for so many reasons.  We live 3 hours apart, she picked a bridal shop near her, meaning I have to make a trip down there to do my dress shopping, I'll have to make a bunch of other trips down there for various bridesmaid duties which I don't want to do. 

Shes getting married next year in September. I'll have 2 children at that time, meaning I'll have 2 daycare bills at over 2k a month. Don't tell me what I can afford. I also have a destination wedding/family vacation to Dominican Republic 3 weeks before her wedding which was scheduled first. This is going to be a major expense for us next year. I'm also taking unpaid leave for work because I haven't been at my job a year and don't get any paid maternity leave. I say all this to say that next year will be a challenging year financially. 

Ultimately, there are 2 things going on here. 1. I honestly don't want to be in the wedding and 2. If I am in the wedding, I won't be a good bridesmaid because I'm not going to participate in all the bridesmaid duties. 

What do I do? How do I say no? Do I suck it up and just be in it? Help! 

Sorry this is so long, but it's been on my mind for almost a full 24 hours and it's stressful. I need to call her today. 

LemmyRN

Re: Need Advice Regarding Family Wedding

  • I would tell her that while you are very excited for her, you would rather attend as a guest. If you want to go into detail, you can let her know that you have a lot going on next year both financially and in life in general, or you can just leave it at that. Weddings are fun, but being a bridesmaid is A LOT OF WORK. And the expenses and time required will only make you resentful (at least it would make me feel that way).

    I use Hypnobabies! http://www.hypnobabies-store.com/link.cgi?affiliateID=472

    J18 December Siggy Challenge: Christmas Movies!


    Pregnancy Ticker

    EDD: 1/6/2018
    Eva Jane: 7/23/2014


    CANTW82BMOMLemmyRNReady4theParty
  • schazeschaze
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    member
    Can you say something like "wow, I'm so flattered you thought of me, but I can't commit to being in the wedding!" It's slightly rude to just tell someone oh hey, by the way, drop everything because you're in my wedding. Common sense would be to ask first. Also rude to assume you can afford the expensive dress and gas to constantly be down there for bridesmaid duty. If it were me, I'd definitely try to weasel my way out of it and not be forced into it. Let us know how it goes!!
    CANTW82BMOMJuliaGoolia719LemmyRNReady4theParty
  • Loading the player...
  • Agreed with what's already been said. It should never be a requirement to be in someone's wedding and I also think it's rude she didn't ask and just told you you're in it. She might be annoyed/mad when you tell her you aren't able to be a part of the wedding party but it's not worth the stress (mental and financial) it's going to cause for you.
    CANTW82BMOM
  • I'd call and have a conversation with her, rather than over text. Be prepared for her to be irrational. 

    Weddings always seem to bring out the worst in a bride. Good luck. 
    DD1 4.14.10
    DD2 8.22.13
    MMC 1.4.17 at 16w
    Expecting #3, EDD 1.29.18

    Pregnancy Ticker
    CANTW82BMOMJuliaGoolia719ryannenikoleLemmyRN
  • I agree that calling her and talking through the details honestly and rationally is the best course of action. Be transparent with her. 
    If it were me, I would lay everything out, tell her that trying to juggle two kids and all of the responsibilities that being a bridesmaid entails would probably be too much. If she is okay with you basically just showing up on the wedding day (without all of the other BS), then that's what I would do. 
    But yeah...people always seem to be irrational about their wedding. So, she may not take the news the way you're hoping! 
    Jan18 December Siggy Challenge: Christmas Movies

    **TW**
    BFP #1: 12/1/14 said goodbye 1/2/15
    BFP #2: 5/5/15
    EDD: 1/15/16
    Wren Marie born 1/7/16
    BFP #3 4/26/17
    EDD: 12/30/17
    CANTW82BMOM
  • Can you talk to your sibling (or in-law), aka the parent of the bride, about the situation? It's really sweet that she wants you to be a part of her wedding, but one would hope that after a phone conversation she would understand why you cannot handle the role of bridesmaid. 

    Perhaps after talking you could offer to take a smaller role (perhaps doing one of the readings during the ceremony or similar) and hopefully she'll accept.  If not, there really isn't much you can do, but at least you were honest with her and her family.

    Jan '18 December Siggy Challenge: Christmas Movies


    CANTW82BMOMsrscott3
  • kelk5kelk5
    500 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    member
    @CANTW82BMOM, that is frustrating. I agree with the majority to call and talk to her honestly about it. She should have asked, that was disrespectful on her end. If she truly cares she should understand, I hope she doesn't go bridezilla on you.
    CANTW82BMOM
  • I'd call and have a conversation with her, rather than over text. Be prepared for her to be irrational. 

    Weddings always seem to bring out the worst in a bride. Good luck. 
    Oh yes. Sounds like she's in the "world revolves around me" Bride mode. Irrational is a guarantee. If she already directs all conversations to her wedding and expects to get her way all the time, it's gonna be a loooong year for the bridesmaids. 

    @CANTW82BMOM  Maybe be to soften the blow of declining her decree, you could get her a cute wedding planning work book, some kind of token peace offering. 
    CANTW82BMOMkelk5
  • @Shanski70 It's actually a pretty crazy family situation all together. Her mom was my sister. She passed away in 1993 when I was 10 and my niece was 8. My niece's father raised her with his new wife and they pretty much kept her and her brother away from our family. Throughout our youth we hardly ever saw one another. As adults we tried to build a relationship, but it's always been long distance. We certainly aren't close, but family nonetheless. About 3 years ago she came to visit me and when she was bending over her butt crack was showing. It was just her and I in the room and I jokingly told her to cover up so my husband didn't see. It really was a joke, he wasn't even in the room. Anyway, she got pissed although she never actually told me that. She just stopped speaking to me for 2 years and wouldn't take my calls. The only reason I found this out is because she told my other sister. About a year ago, her father passed away suddenly, with no life insurance. My sister told me about it and how stressed my niece was. I gave my niece $1000 to help with the cost of the funeral despite the fact that I hadn't spoken to her in 2 years. My assumption is that she was incredibly grateful because ever since, she has been trying to build a relationship with me and I've been open to that as well. We just saw each other a few weeks ago for the first time in 3 years. Long story, I know, but wanted to give you a little background and answer your question. 

    EmilyLove25kelk5caeilievalor
  • @LemmyRN I actually already sent her a wedding planning book. It was literally the first thing I did when she got engaged. I really do want to help her and be a part of her special day just not as a bridesmaid. 

    kelk5LemmyRN
  • Yay, so glad it worked out!
    CANTW82BMOM
  • I'm so glad it worked out!
    DD1 4.14.10
    DD2 8.22.13
    MMC 1.4.17 at 16w
    Expecting #3, EDD 1.29.18

    Pregnancy Ticker
    CANTW82BMOM
  • @CANTW82BMOM Good for you! So glad everything worked out so well!
    CANTW82BMOM
  • Wow! You handled this perfectly and so glad you don't have that irritating stress for the next 16 months!
    *TW*

    DD1 EDD 9/29/2015, Born 9/24/2015

    DS1 EDD 1/3/2018, Born 12/26/2017

    BFP #3 3/21/2019, EDD 11/29/2019, MMC/D&C 5/7/2019

    BFP #4 6/28/2019, EDD 3/12/2020 

    CANTW82BMOM
  • I'm glad you got out of it. Bridal parties should be reserved for the very enthusiastic!


    CANTW82BMOM
  • kelk5kelk5
    500 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    member
    So glad it worked out
    CANTW82BMOM
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards