Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Guilt

It's with a heavy heart that I join you here. It's been weeks since my miscarriage yet I can't remove myself from it. Every other though is drawn back to it. I just feel so guilty since I was on 1 month along. My husband was so kind through it and reminded me that losing a baby is losing a baby, but I still struggle with both this feeling of failure that has spread over everything I do, as well as an overwhelming guilt. Guilt that I am so devastated over another early miscarriage when so many woman have miscarried far later or dealt with still births, guilt when I look at my beautiful son because other woman will never feel that joy of motherhood yet here I am with a healthy son yet grieving after miscarriage, and guilt over the jealousy I feel when seeing another pregnant woman.

I guess my question is, "can anyone relate to this guilt and how can start ridding myself of it?" 

It's just so painful and I want so badly to start being okay again. 
Ziggy       <3 07/2018-08/2018 <3
Micah      <3 10/2015
#recurrentpregnancylossawareness

Re: Guilt

  • **General TW**

    I'm really sorry for your loss. We lost our baby between 5 and 6 weeks at the beginning of June. I also have a DS who will be two soon. And last week some good friends had a still birth at 38 weeks. So I understand the guilt. And the mixed emotions.

    This was your baby. Just because someone has had it or will have it worse, doesn't mean you don't have a right to your emotions or how you feel. It's okay to feel all the things--I think accepting those feelings as valid would help. And perhaps talking to a therapist? Sending good vibes your way. 
  • acunamatadaacunamatada member
    edited June 2017
    *TW*
    We learned our pregnancy wouldn't be viable at 5+4. I had a lot of guilt knowing it was my body that put the baby in the wrong place (it was ectopic). 
    I also have a son that will be 2 next month that helped me through it in a lot of ways knowing I can have a healthy pregnancy. Then, there was the guilt that other women don't get that solace. In the end, there will always be someone who has it worse but that doesn't discount your own feelings. A loss is a loss and it's hard no matter what, but it does get better. 
    I wish I had more advice, but for me time has helped more than anything.
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  • I wanted to give you some hope.  I use to blame myself all the time.  I had a CP at 5 weeks back in December.  Those feelings of guilt don't come in my mind anymore.  It's been a process for sure.  Take it easy on yourself.  What has helped me is my faith and praying.  I feel like I'm getting stronger as time goes on.  I have a DD that is 6.  When I have weak moments I remind myself how blessed we are to have a very healthy child.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • roisisroisis member
    I'm so sorry for your loss (and for all of your losses). I've just had a mc at 9w and I just don't know what to feel. I don't have any other children, but I don't feel that makes this any worse - your loss is your loss, and the way you feel and grieve over this loss is your own.

    It's terrible that on top of this pain we feel a need to feel guilty - guilty that our bodies failed us and then guilty that we feel bad about it. Guilt is a terrible emotion and I hope you can let it go - because you are not guilty of anything. Yes you have another child, and that's wonderful, but it doesn't mean you're not devastated about losing this one; and yes it would be worse if you were late term, but that doesn't mean this is not a terrible thing to happen as it is. Pain and grief and sorrow are all so natural right now, it's ok to feel them and it's ok to know that this is a terrible thing, regardless of your circumstances. I don't know how to advise getting rid of that guilt - but you do not need to feel it. If a close friend was in you situation and was feeling this guilt - what would you say to her? Sometimes it is easier to be kind to others than to ourselves. I hope you find some peace.


    **History in Spoiler**
    Me 39, DH 40
    Married Oct 2010, TTC ~7yrs
    Seeing RE since Spring 2013
    Clomid - no response
    Letrozole (6 months) 2015 
    Laperoscopy/Hysteroscopy in 2015
    Puregon injectibles + trigger x5 in 2016 - all BFN
    Started IVF March 2017 - 25 follies, 9 eggs, 3 fertilised, 1 survived-> frozen due to hyper stimulation of ovaries
    FET May 16th 2017, BFP May 27th 2017, m/c @ 9wks
    IVF #2 February 2018 - 16 eggs, 8 fertilised, 3 frozen embabies
    Awaiting FET April 2018 - cancelled (cyst)
    FET May 2018, BFP June 2nd 2018, m/c @ 8wks
    FET October 2018 - BFN
    Final FET - late November 2018


  • You are not alone in feeling guilt. I was coaching and traveling a lot during my first trimester, and found out at 18 weeks that I'd had a mmc. I blamed the stress of coaching and told myself I could have prevented it. In reality, there's nothing you could have done. So many women do everything right in a pregnancy and still lose their baby. You can't control how it develops. 

    I also struggled with jealousy of other moms. My assistant coach was due a month before me, and it became really hard for me to talk to her after I lost my baby. 

    The only thing that has helped me is time and venting to my friends and husband about it. They have been very supportive. Just know, that you are not alone with the feelings that you are having.
    JGL
  • I agree with pp.  there is nothing you could've done to change outcome.  Took me a little while to believe that myself. So your feelings are normal.  And time and talking about it helped me as well
  • I just wanted to thank you all so much for taking the time to respond. I am so sorry for each of the losses you have felt in your own journey. I can't begin to relay how much your kind words mean to me and how grateful I am to have women like you who are willing to open up and remind me that I'm not alone in this. I hate that you all have had to experience the devastation first hand, but I am so appreciative of your willingness to share and support. 

    I am slowly healing. It hurts that all of my son's little friends that I've nannied or he he's met at play groups now have siblings on the way. I still have to cut the conversations short so I don't just stare at their sweet little baby bellies, but I'm getting there. I've actually gotten two little bird sillouettes tattooed over my heart to remind me that those babies were there and they were loved. That I can't ignore what happened, like I always have done, like I did last time, and that they will always be a part of me-- that with the emotional pain there is also a lot of love. It may seem morbid, I know that's how my husband felt, but I feel like I draw empowerment from those two little birds. They've helped me accept my own emotions and begin to heal.

    Long winded, I know and I'm sorry, I just wanted to say thank you again. I hope and pray that we all share health and healing for ourselves and for future little ones. You ladies are so strong, and I thank you again and again for sharing your strength with me. 
    Ziggy       <3 07/2018-08/2018 <3
    Micah      <3 10/2015
    #recurrentpregnancylossawareness
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