I year later and I'm a wreck

iceandsnowflakes29

It been 1 year since my 5th (and last) pregnancy loss. It was an ectopic pregnancy and it took my one last fallopian tube  (I had lost the other tube in a previous ectopic). As  a result I can no longer have any more children (unless we do ivf which I cannot mentally handle right now). 

Now I'm one year out and I have dealt with severe anxiety and panic attacks. I'm scared to leave the house most days, I constantly check the locks on the front door and I spend 4-6 hours a day fanatically cleaning. I have daily panic attacks, and now they even wake me up from a sound sleep in the middle of the night. 

I'm waiting to see a private psychiatrist that a friend recommended and spoke highly of. 

Has anyone dealt with the sort of thing? I never dreamed I would turn out so screwed up. 

MamaBish

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this on top of your losses! I definitely have a lot of anxiety (about to start Paxil actually) but nothing like what you are describing. I hope you can see the dr asap and take care of this. Hugs  

lickastick

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I followed your story as I think you were on my BMB (sept16?) and I've also had a loss so your story really touched me. I really hope you get to see the doctor soon, and hopefully get some meds that will help if that's the way you want to go.

I would also get your thyroid levels checked, from
what you described you might be experiencing hyperthyroid issues, google it and see if you are experiencing other signs and symptoms of hyperthyroidism. 

In addition to therapy/meds you might consider some alternative medicine like acupuncture or even coaching/energy healing. In the meantime, while you wait to get in to the doc, I can highly recommend the magnesium supplement "calm" at the recommended dose. It could take the edge off the anxiety. As well as chamomile tea, Passion flower tea/tincture, lemon balm tea and Valerian root for night time. All can be taken regardless of thyroid levels. 

Of course please clear these with your doctor if you have any questions. I'm an acupuncturist who specializes in women's wellness and I personally take all of these supplements/teas and have found good success with them for mild anxiety. 

If you want to explore the more alternative medicine route i can give you recommendations of people you can work with by phone or help you find an acupuncturist near you. 

You do not deserve to suffer, you have been through enough. You are not messed up- you might have just experienced too much loss and pain, it in no way makes you less. I'll be thinking positive thoughts for you an please ask me any questions here or by pm. Good luck, you deserve all the happiness and peace in the world. 

dpjennifer

@iceandsnowflakes29 Oh I'm so sorry. As you know, I'm not in the same situation as you, but I have severe depression and anxiety (PTSD, which it sounds like you maybe have too) after my 4 losses. I see a therapist weekly, and she has been fantastic. I also am on 'happy' pills. 

Additionally, a friend recommended to me a book called "Life Without Baby" which also apparently has an online community that's supposed to be great. She recommended it to me since I was struggling with my 4th loss and they decided to go childless after years of IF. I have not read the book yet, but I thought I'd pass it along in case it helps you.

I really hope you can find some peace soon. Sorry that you're going through all of this. It's a really cruel situation.

iceandsnowflakes29

I wanted to update everyone. I hope this will help a future reader or silent lurker. 

I had an appointment with the psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with "Unspecified Bipolar Disorder" and Panic Disorder.  I do not get depression or lows  (I barely cried during or after my losses) but, instead of depression, I go hypomanic ( which can be a natural defense mechanism to ward off depression) and I clean, organize, and do productive crap for HOURS a day and even into the night. Hypomania can also set the stage for anxiety and panic attacks. 

I'm currently on a new cocktail of meds and I'm looking into acupuncture again as a compliment to the western treatment. 

FWIW I don't think this completely a result of repeated pregnancy loss. I've also lost my dad and step dad and had a traumatic childhood. But add that all together and stir the shit pot and it was a recipe for mental illness. 

Thank you to everyone who replied. I was at rock bottom. But there's only one way to go from here and that's up. 

Don't be like me and wait for a year to pass to get help. I tried to seek out therapy a few months post loss and failed to carve out time for it. Now it is high priorty. 

Mack2342

@iceandsnowflakes29 I'm glad you are getting the help you need.  Hopefully the new cocktail is the right combo for you and puts you in a good place. 

lickastick

Please take care if your self right now! It sounds like you have a good plan in place and just keep moving forward one step at a time. Just come on back if you need a little help!