Pregnant after a Loss

When did you tell people that you're pregnant?

At this point, I am somewhere around 7 weeks pregnant. I have yet to get my first US. It's at 10:40 on Monday. Only 4 people know that I'm pregnant: My parents, my sister, and my best friend. We have not even told my MIL and FIL yet... 

-TW-

Last pregnancy (which was my very first pregnancy), we told our immediate families as soon as we found out. We asked our parents and siblings to keep it quiet until we had the all clear (mostly clear) around 12 weeks before telling others. My family was fine with that because they had experience with my sister having 2 miscarriages and they knew how devastating it can be. My in-laws, on the other hand, (who apparently experienced 3 miscarriages before they gave birth to my husband) could not understand why we wanted to wait. They neither agreed, nor disagreed to keep it quiet for a few more weeks. A couple of days after we told them, my father in law calls very angry as to why we hadn't told my husband's grandparents. He said a few choice words that I can't repeat, told us we were selfish and should be ashamed of ourselves. My husband gave in and told them that night. They didn't even seem that excited. Well, as a result of that, pretty much the entire world knew within a day or two. I was getting Facebook posts on my wall congratulating me. A couple of weeks later, I had a MMC and it was right before Easter. I spent the entire holiday having to tell everyone that there wasn't a baby, there wasn't going to be a shower or a name or a gender. And answering all of the Facebook posts with "Sorry we miscarried" didn't help the recovery/grieving process, either. The following weekend, there was a wedding and that's the day my D&C was scheduled. Even though we RSVP'd "yes", we couldn't go and I had no desire to go anyway. My in-laws could not understand that either. They said that it was a minor surgery, and that I should at least be able to go to the reception. The weekend after the wedding, my MIL kept showing me photos from the wedding and telling me how fun it was  and "You guys really should've been there". 

-End TW-

So I guess, I'm just trying to figure out when to say something. Do I wait until after 12 weeks? Do I tell after the first US? Any suggestions would be very much appreciated. 
Me: 28 DH: 29
Married: 4-25-2014
TTC: March 2015
BFP: 2-18-16
Confirmed MMC: 3-31-16
D&C: 4-2-16
TTCAL: May 2016
IUI: 5/13/17-Femara and Trigger, POAS 5/27/17 BFP 5/27/17



BabyFruit Ticker

Re: When did you tell people that you're pregnant?

  • You wait until YOU are ready to tell people. It sounds like your in laws don't 'get it'. After a loss you may never be 100% comfortable. I certainly wasn't. Even now, at 34.5 weeks, I get PGAL brain bc nothing is ever certain. You do exactly what you need to do. 
    *** TW**

    Me: 37, DH:39
    Met: 2002 | Married: 2004 | TTC since January 2014
    July 2015: MMC @ 9 wks | August 2015: Chemical
    March, April, May & June 2016: Medicated IUIs | BFN 
    August 2016: Started Stims 8/22
    September 2016: Egg Retrieval 9/4 | 13 Mature Eggs | 10 Fertilized | 3 Blastocytes | 1 PGS Normal Embaby 
    November 7, 2016: FET - BFP!
    EDD 7/25/17
    Zoey Alexis born 7/25/17 @ 12:39 PM | 7lbs 14oz | 19 inches
  • I agree with PP--you tell when you are ready.  I am sorry you had to experience that pressure from your in-laws.  For us, we are waiting until an ultrasound before telling friends.  Good luck dear!
  • Loading the player...
  • Ditto the PPs - whenever you feel ready, which might be 3rd trimester!

    My first pregnancy, we didn't tell anyone until the loss. We found out at the first u/s at 11w5d, and had been planning to tell family the next day when we had pics. This time we told our parents and siblings on Christmas, at 11wks, after having had 3 good ultrasounds. We still waited until I was starting to show, and had the NT ultrasound results, and a few more weeks of good dopplers and blood tests before we told most anyone else (I think it was ~17wks). Now, at 36wks I am still pgal anxious and wish my belly wasn't so obvious to the whole world, just in case... 

    Good luck to you, and fx for a sticky bean! 
  • Hello,

    **trigger **

    We lost our angel baby at 23 weeks. I remember not wanting to tell anyone,  we were so nervous, it just didn't feel right. This pregnancy my mentality is different, I'm sick of the stigma that surrounds pregnancy loss and people don't talk about it, or maybe everything feels different for us this time. Just trust your gut and do what ever feels right for you and your SO. 

    DD angel baby 10/16 <3
    Rainbow Due 02/20/18


  • @alemarie1 Thank you for your response. I definitely agree with you on the stigma. No one really talked to me about my loss after it happened. It was as if that pregnancy never existed. I felt really alone. I felt like I had to play it off as something that happens all the time, and it felt like I was supposed to get over it. I guess I'm just still scared because of how early on in my pregnancy it is. I'll figure it out, eventually, I suppose. I gotta do what's right for me. 
    Me: 28 DH: 29
    Married: 4-25-2014
    TTC: March 2015
    BFP: 2-18-16
    Confirmed MMC: 3-31-16
    D&C: 4-2-16
    TTCAL: May 2016
    IUI: 5/13/17-Femara and Trigger, POAS 5/27/17 BFP 5/27/17



    BabyFruit Ticker
  • I lost a baby at 10 days old due to a heart defect. With my rainbow after her, I didn't want to tell ANYONE!! I told immediate family maybe around 12 weeks, then closer friends around 20-23, and didn't put it on Facebook until the day after she was born. No regrets. Now when I tried for rainbow #2, I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks :/ I'm now pregnant again at 11 weeks and trying to figure out when to tell this time. What I did last time seems a little extreme to me now, but it also seems comforting because whenever I think about telling people now, I keep thinking how much I'd rather have a baby in my arms before I had to tell. Ugh. Sorry I'm not more help, but anything you choose is right.
  • ceebowceebow member
    I also had a mmc during my first pregnancy. Mine was around 14 weeks and I should have been 17 weeks when I found out. For this pregnancy I told my parents and best friend, then I had a hemorrhage from a subchorionic hematoma, so we waited until around 12 weeks and two ultrasounds with heartbeats to tell my husband's family. I'm 15 weeks now and still haven't posted on Facebook or told many other people yet, just immediate family, close friends, and coworkers know. 
  • Whenever you are ready is really the best time, IMHO. 

    I'm private when it comes to that anyhow, so for me, with my first pregnancy, I told family after about 10 weeks and a good US. When I had my MC in February, my first US was scheduled for 12 weeks only because they didn't have any appointments before then (no longer the practice I'll go to for so many reasons!).  I lost baby at 8 weeks, found out at 11 weeks. The horrible thing was, everyone here (his family, stepfamily, my work - which is his stepfamily) knew, mine back home didn't. Luckily, it was busy at work, so I went and kept busy (helped me). But this time, I imposed a bag order on him. No telling, which he broke three times (his bff, because he asked out of the blue, his mom, because every smell was making me sick, even reheated ribs, and his dad because he wanted to know why we are thinking about moving). I could still freak out about them knowing, especially because his bff and the f2f are here atm, and I don't know if she knows about the MC (she asked the first night about the pregnancy and said it's exciting, isn't it? - um, it's stressful...).

    We had a good US at 9 weeks, but the next appointment is coming next week, and well be 13 weeks then, which I hope will make me feel safer. Then again, a friend lost her baby at almost 30 weeks, a former coworker theirs a fee months after birth (SIDS) so I know nothing is ever sure... 
    DS 7/13
    MC 2/17


    BabyFruit Ticker
  • I miscarried at 7w 2d, we had already told several people... it was christmas & the pregnancy news was too exciting to contain. Turning around after new years & spreading the bad news was hell. When we became pregnant again in April my hubby & I agreed to Only tell the people who provided much needed support after the first loss & wait to tell anyone else. That turned out to be wise as we suffered a second loss. 
    This is your life, your family & your Very private news. Share only as you see fit & maybe the people who can't be supportive just don't need to be on your Early list, regardless of who they are.
    I wish you the best!
  • We told friends and family at 6w with our first that ended up being a MMC. The 2nd we didn't tell anyone until after the second MMC & then only my MIL & dad. We haven't told anyone about this one except for my boss (who guessed due to my repeated requests for time off since my new OBGYN is an hour away) and we probably won't say anything until we make 12 weeks. Hell I may not say anything until I feel the little nugget squirming. I'm just paranoid.

    Btw: you don't owe anyone an announcement. It's your business and it's your family. Anyone who doesn't respect that is a butthead and not worth your time, even if related by blood or marriage.

    ****TW Signature****
    BabyFruit Ticker
    DD born 04/28/2002
    Married DH 03/25/2017
    1st MMC 08/13/2016 2nd MMC 02/14/2017
    BFP 06/16/17 Rainbow DS Born 02/05/2018


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