Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Mother-in-law is angry we asked for space for our loss

My husband and I found out last week that we lost our first pregnancy at 8w6d. Because it was our first, we told our families at 4w thinking everything would turn out. Once we went in for an ultrasound this week, we found the baby had no heartbeat. We let our families know, and they have been respectful and not brought it up unless we do first. 

Today though, my mother-in-law asked how we feel...Maybe we are overreacting, but it is still so sensitive of a topic for the two of us that asking that only put salt on the wound. 
My husband called his mom and let her know that he was thankful she cared, but we would ask that she not ask how we are during this time as we heal.

I was shocked to find out that instead of respecting our request about our miscarriage, she chose to yell at my husband and guilt trip him of all these past things that they have gone through years ago. Telling him 'how dare he tell her to not ask how we are' and so on...I was so angry to hear her speak so coldly to my husband who is in as much pain as I am about the loss of our first potential child... The fact she turned it all around on him to remind him of past problems the two of them have dealt with, or how she isn't being treated well by him in this situation..

I don't even know what to do now! I feel she completely disregarded our feelings as We are the ones who lost a child. We asked something so simple of her, just for her to turn it around and make it about her...

Has ANYONE gone through something like this?? I have searched many blogs and can't find anyone who I can connect with. I am so upset by how she spoke to my husband during this... 
Please help!

-Ally

Re: Mother-in-law is angry we asked for space for our loss

  • I'm so sorry for your loss. MH and I are going through the same thing. I'm sorry your MIL turned everything around and got defensive. It's hard because everyone goes through this in their own way and needs different things.

    It took me a few days to tell my family about the loss (we hadn't announced the pregnancy yet). I have really appreciated them reaching out to me and telling me they're thinking of me, asking how I am, etc. and allowing me freedom to talk about it - but that is me. You are you and you need what you need. 

    Maybe after some time is passed your husband can explain that for you guys just need space and time in situations like this. 
  • adiratadirat member
    I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Your MIL is behaving abominably. Shut her out until you are in a better place. You don't owe her ANYTHING. You need to grieve and if she is making it worse, then don't interact with her. 


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  • I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Some people have no boundaries. Honestly I would just not engage her and don't answer her calls. You need time to process and be upset/angry and that's totally ok.

    I can completely relate. That saying when things go wrong all the shit really hits the fan....I'm pretty sure life could not have dumped more on our plate at the time of my loss if it had tried.

    Our families didn't even know we were TTC. We had been not preventing for 2.5 years, and actively TTC for almost a year when we finally got our BFP. Even still we didn't tell anyone except my BFF. We found out at 6 weeks it was Ectopic after I had to go to the ER for severe pain and bleeding.

    Within days my grandmother went into the hospital as well, she's been in poor health for many years. My mom, who lives 12 hours away, would not stop calling me - I guess because she wanted me to go deal with grandma. I wouldn't take the calls because I was an emotional wreck. Then my brother started calling because I wouldn't answer mom's calls. Finally DH called him back and told him what was going on. He filled my mom in, but that didn't stop her. She proceeded to call me 3 days after I got home from the hospital wanting me to drive an hour to go check on my grandmother. I had finally taken her call, and I lost my shit on her. We don't have a great relationship in general - but that just took the cake.

    Likewise my MIL had been battling breast cancer and the day I went into the hospital was the day of her final surgery. The next day she called DH to yell at him about not calling to check on her, and he of course told her what happened. She is very sweet, and completely understood.

    Everyone processes differently - and the biggest thing is to not let anyone make you feel bad for how you choose to handle things. The day I went into the hospital, only my two BFF"s knew because they were with me - my DH was out of town for work. The days afterwards they were the only two I even let come over. For almost a week they tag-teamed me.....cleaning my house, doing my laundry, bringing me food and just sitting there to hang out with me. For me personally I felt more comfortable being able to talk to them about it than my family.
  • During my first MC, my parents and my in laws made it all about them. My husband spoke to his parents and asked them nicely to just leave us alone while we heal. We also requested they keep in private. MIL sent multiple cards and I ended having DH screen the mail to throw them away. Every time we saw her for six months after she would bring up everyone she talked to about it and how they knew someone that had one. I have had two more MCs and a chemical pregnancy since then and made sure that I didn't tell family. I tell a few close friends and that is it. Live you learn I guess. 

    Everyone grieves differently. I would say that most people who haven't had an MC just don't get it. You are in the right on handling this as you need to. I agree with others. Keep your distance for now and put yourself first.
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