Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Difficulty of waiting for the inevitable

Here I am, a place I never hoped to be. A story familiar to many, last Thursday we went in for the first scan of our lo and there was only a sac. I should have been 7w1d but instead was closer to 5w. I hung onto hope, even when my bw came back showing my hCG was going up very slowly. I woke up Friday and Saturday feeling more pregnant than ever. I had hope, even if it came and went.

Saturday afternoon I started to have small amounts of brown blood. I had minor and inconsistent cramps. Sunday no cramps but the bleeding continued at the smallest trickle. I started to feel less pregnant. I told my mom what was happening and it helped so much to talk to her about it.

This morning, Monday, I woke up feeling for sure that the pregnancy was over. Still the bleeding is light in volume and dark rusty in color. No cramps.

This has been so emotionally painful but I am starting to accept it emotionally.

I remain in limbo with the physical part and that is driving me crazy. I must have read 100 stories of miscarriage over the past four days and I am still not sure what to expect. I'm currently sitting here trying to decide if I should get ready for work. I have missed two days so far and it's not a big deal if I miss a few more but I had already planned to be out for a trip home for my sister's baby shower. I am scared now of when it will happen - that I will be in a meeting and a gush of blood will start, or my sister will be opening gifts and I'll start to have painful contractions. If I have to schedule a d&c I will, but it won't be before next week unless it turns into an emergency.

If you have any wisdom or advice, please share. I never wanted my pregnancy to end but now that it has I don't want to be in this limbo.

Re: Difficulty of waiting for the inevitable

  • I was spotting for 9 days before it turned to clots and red. I went to the ob early because of the spotting and was measuring 9 days behind. The miscarriage itself took 3 days, I passed the sac on the 3rd day. For me, the cramps started after some major bleeding.
    The waiting was the worse and being in limbo sucks.
    Sorry for the impending loss. Will be thinking of you. 
  • First of all, I want to say how sorry I am for your loss and the waiting part is the worst part. 

    I was 6w4d when I started to spotting and was told it was normal at the ER. But 2 days later, at work, I started bleeding heavily and had to leave work immediately due to the amount. The next day I went for an US, and the tech told me to expect a lot of blood soon. The bleeding only got worse until I passed a lot of tissue a couple of days later. It's now been a week since I started bleeding and the bleeding has decreased, but I'm still passing clots. 
    Luckily it's a slow time at work and I was able to take the entire week off.
    My only advice is to wear the biggest pad you can buy and to take the time you need to heal.
    I hope you get some more answers next week.
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  • I am so sorry you are going through this. I think from what I've read anyway that no two mc's are alike. But as much as mine was heartbreaking and gut wrenching sad, physically it wasn't nearly as bad as I was worried it would be. I was 7w3d when I started to bleed lightly and then the next evening I had painful cramps, almost like what I would assume a small contraction would feel like (this was my first pregnancy). I continued to bleed for about 7 days after that but never as heavy as many women mention. I found drinking loads of water helped me (I was crying constantly) and rest. Make sure you talk through this with people. Your partner, your family, good friends. It's so hard to understand but I find talking about it helps and makes me feel not so isolated as I first did. Take care of yourself and take the time to heal. It's not an easy road but there are plenty of caring and supportive women on here (and on the ttcal board if you ever want to venture that way). Hugs. 
  • zamoraspinzamoraspin member
    edited June 2017
    Thank you ladies for your responses and I'm sorry for your losses. It has really helped me to talk about this (with internet strangers, and the handful of family, and friends we have told). I think for me I had a lot of initial guilt about bumming people out but everyone I've told has been really great about it and it feels a lot less isolating to share.

    @ChloandCoco I think we were on the same BMB, I'm so sorry we have both ended up here. 

    I'm still bleeding slowly so I'm going to call the doctor's office when they open and ask if I can come in and get advice on what to do (wait it out/take meds etc).

    edited because words...
  • @zamora_spin - We were in the same BMB, and I'm sorry that we are both here too. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to send me a PM.
  • Hello everyone. I am so deeply sorry all of you know this pain. Everyone is different, but in my personal experience, I knew I needed a D&C.

    Sunday I had a bit of brown blood, a few red drops, light cramps and a ominous feeling. I call my Dr and he told me to come in the morning for an US. Monday my fears were confirmed as I saw my lifeless little babybean on the screen accompanied by the empty echo of static where a heartbeat was only a week before. My doctor told me to go home, rest, allow myself time to absorb the news, and when I was ready, to let him know how I would like to proceed. 

    I insisted I needed a D&C immediately. For me, I could not cope with carrying my lifeless little guy inside me, and having to wait for my body to let go was unbearable. 
    They ended up taking me at the hospital several hours later. Everyone was so compassionate​ and supportive. As we waited, a Chaplin visited us, prayed with us, acknowledged our baby's life was indeed a life no matter how tiny it's size (I was 8 weeks 6 days, though I  measured smaller.) She explained a program called Emily's Wish where they would take our unborn child, and save it for the annual burial at a local church cemetery which includes other miscarried babies from the hospital. 

    Being wheeled though the halls with my husband was difficult since I imagined we would be there 7 months later and that we would leave with a baby in our arms, but the D&C felt quick and painless since I was under anesthesia. 

    Today I was off from work with pain similar to menstrual cramps, some light bleeding, and Advil has been enough to calm the cramping. Now I physically healing, and I can focus on emotionally healing. This loss has been devastating. I am so happy I insisted on the D&C and took control to avoid prolonging the agony. My body will heal soon, but my heart is going to need a lot more time.
    Good luck with making your decision and may healing come to you as soon as possible. You will be in my heart and prayers. Please know you are not alone. 
  • Hi ladies, I'm so sorry to meet in a situation like this. You are all so strong, I admire you. I recognize a few of you from my BMB. I had brown spotting/cramping on Monday but had a scheduled appt that day, during the pap the MD said there was nothing to worry about with the spotting and we heard the HB with the doppler. FF 2 days to yesterday, I was 10+5 and couldn't shake the ominous feeling I had so I went in for an elective ultrasound. Our Baby was motionless with no heartbeat. It absolutely broke my heart. I have an appointment today to confirm the loss and have a possible D&C. 

    I'm so sad we are all going through this process, but comforted that we can all support each other. Praying and thinking for you all.
  • If it helps AT ALL.... and I know it won't much.... I have an Angel Baby I lost at 11 weeks ... baby lost heartbeat the day or 2 before 11 weeks... my body wasn't letting go. I did opt for the D&C to just get it done. And it was very easy and the bleeding very mild. . 
    FF to 11 months later.... and I was snuggling by rainbow baby in my arms....

    Hope and sticky dust for us all as I'm preg again .. 
  • @babybakie and @rachelg777 thank you both for sharing  and I'm sorry for your losses.

    At my follow-up appt last week there was still only a sac. The doctor said miscarriage was inevitable. I elected to take Misoprostol and had a pretty easy time with it. Went to visit family over the weekend for my sister's baby shower. Ended up having a panic attack the night before the shower. My sister had an old Ativan prescription on hand and that little pill is the only way unmade it through. I ended up flying home early. I just couldn't be there anymore.

    @MamaRoni I'm happy that you had success. It doesn't really make me feel better about this loss but it does give me hope that we will have a baby. If it's ok I may pm you with a couple questions on your post loss TTC journey.
  • @zamora_spin I am so sorry the shower was so difficult for you. I completely understand and imagine it would be. I simply saw a pregnant woman today in the store and I wanted to leave. Xo 
  • @zamora_spin that shower sounds really rough. Definitely take some time to heal. And there is no shame in asking for help... panic attacks and anxiety suck and it took me a very long time to ask for help. After I finally did, I wondered why it took me so long. I do hope that was your first and last experience with panic attacks though. 

    Oh @rachelg777 I am so very sorry, especially reading your details. I hope you are doing okay. ❤

    i keep lurking on the TTC and TTGPAL boards but can't quite bring myself to post. I definitely didn't have the hardest miscarriage and I know I couldn't change anything to stop it from happening. We chose to announce and ask for prayers and good vibes and then consequently shared our loss. I hate that it's the shittiest secret society and I wanted to let our friends know that it happens and it's okay to talk about. I just have no clue what to say when people ask how I am. Most of the time, I'm okay. Sometimes I'm sad. I find myself loving my DS just a little harder some days. I really want to make a bracelet with a garnet on it and my own little remembrance of our baby. But I feel like people expect me to say more than, I'm okay. Eh. I don't regret telling anyone even if it's awkward. 

    Our doctor encouraged us to jump back in. I went for blood work the previous two Fridays. The first Friday my HCG was 9.9 and they wanted it under 5. The nurse didn't call today so I'm assuming it was below 5 last Friday. We have been trying and are in the TWW. I'm not sure how I'll feel in 10 days when AF is due. 

    Anyway. Thanks for letting me spill some of this out. ❤
  • @mdfarmchick I've been lurking on the boards too, but I don't feel comfortable posting yet as I won't be cleared to TTC for two cycles.
    I know what you mean by not knowing what to say when people ask how you are. I tell them I am fine mostly because I don't want to throw that kind of baggage onto someone who hasn't experienced this before. At the same time, I wish I could post something about our loss and the trauma I've been through so that others feel a little less alone but I can't seem to find the words. And I don't want people to feel sorry for me, I feel lucky that I even made it out of this experience with my fertility intact and have a wonderful DS that I can snuggle while recovering. 
  • @mdfarmchick Thank you for sharing, a lot of that sounds familiar to me. I have times when I'm ok. It's hard to not just tell people "I'm ok" because you don't always want to get into it. I even have times when I'm down for talking about babies/kids. Sometimes it just washes over me all of a sudden and I get overwhelmed with sadness. **tw** I wished a friend happy birthday this morning and asked how she was (via text) and she replied right away that she is pregnant with twins. I am so happy for her, but I cried when I read that. **end tw**

    I think it's awesome that you have shared what you are going through widely, even if it is awkward. I have thought about doing that at some point. MH is a little hesitant to share this with one of our friend circles. I'm not sure exactly why. I have been urging him to share with at least one or two of his close friends because I feel like he needs someone to talk to. He did end up telling one friend who he was with when I was on the phone with the panic attack. We talk about it a little most nights in bed. I have been amazed how many people I know who have been touched by mc in some way. 

    We are planning right now to wait one cycle, although, if it takes me a long time to ovulate I may change my mind. I hope you will join TTGP / TTCAL. I was on TTGP while we were trying. The ladies there are awesome, some of them have had it very very rough TTC and it breaks my heart. TTGP have a set of rules that may seem just a little daunting at first but it feels like a real community for sure and the rules are designed to help protect long-time posters who have been struggling TTC. 

    Shittiest Secret Society in the World, aptly named. 
  • @acunamatada I saw your post after I posted, but just wanted to say I hope you will come over to TTCAL / TTGP as well whenever you are ready. TTCAL is pretty quiet and there is a TTCAL check-in weekly. TTGP is much more active and also has a TTCAL thread you can post in no matter your status - benched, TWW, etc. There is also a benched/TTA (trying to avoid) thread which might be a good place to start. Again, the TTGP ladies have a pinned post on rules but once you know them they are easy to follow. They are a great source of information and chart stalking. 
  • @zamora_spin thanks! I thought it was just for those actively TTC, I'll definitely stop by. 
  • mdfarmchickmdfarmchick member
    edited June 2017
    @acunamatada it is hard to find the words and I don't think you would be doing it for sympathy. *TW* I literally sat in an ER for over 4 hours, bleeding and having test after test after ultrasound and all I could think was "Why don't we talk about it?? Why is it a secret?? Why are we ashamed??" I could feel myself losing my baby as my doctors and nurses and my husband and my not-quite-two-year-old offered me as much reassurance and comfort as they could. And as I saw the evidence of losing my child every time I went to the bathroom over the next few days, I was angry. As women, we are told "Don't tell anyone until after the first trimester--you don't want to be embarrassed to have to tell everyone that you lost your fetus." ((I think lost and fetus are shitty terms along with a threatened abortion.)) *End TW* No matter how much sorrow I have over not having this baby to snuggle, it doesn't negate the joy that I felt when I woke my husband up at 5 am on a Saturday morning with a stick I pee'd on. Literally everyone I know, except one person ((who announced it on Facebook)), that has lost a baby has told me in secret, asked me not to tell, and said it like it's some kind of bad thing. It's ultimately your decision on whether or not to say something but I hope you aren't ashamed or embarrassed or you feel like it's socially unacceptable to be open about this. I would rather people know and limit the "When are you going to try for #2?" comments and have some kind of understanding when I'm in a crappy mood in January or another time over the next few months.

    @zamora_spin I completely understand those moments. We tried for 17 months over the course of 2 and half years to get pregnant the first time, and over 15 months only to not bring this baby home. I get resentful sometimes of "how easy" it is for other people to get pregnant when it's so hard for me. I think a lot of guys can tend to be more private with hard feelings like grief. *TW* My mom fell at 8 months pregnant and had a stillborn baby before she had me and my parents rarely spoke of it until I had my first child. My dad told me when I was pregnant that he always wished he had named her because they only did "Baby ((last name))." And my mom has apparently always had a name for my sister but never told anyone. They didn't even really talk to each other about it--my dad never knew my mom had a name picked out. I hope your MH is able to support you in however you need to deal with your grief. *End TW* Sending all my love your way. Everyone seems really great on TTGP/TTCAL and I have such a great group of mom friends from my first BMB. I think I'm just intimidated/shy. I'm going to try to post. ❤ Please feel free to PM me if you need to talk at all. Or I can shoot you my email. My "internet friends" are sometimes a lot better than my IRL friends. 
  • I feel the same way about "releasing the news." We also let people know (individually not a post or anything) and I am happy we did. The support has been nice, even if I can't really put into words the answer for how I am doing. 
  • @mdfarmchick I agree, I think it's strange now having been through it that we don't talk about it. It really does help to talk about it, even if it is painful. It also helps to know that others have been through it, even though that also makes me so sad. My step mom had multiple mc's in her first marriage. She and my dad had two healthy daughters together, and yet she told me she still feels sad about the babies she lost 30 years later. A woman I work with said basically the same thing, she still sometimes thinks about what might have been. 

    I have been thinking about writing about my experience at some point and focusing on what I hope people never have to understand about mc. One of the things I didn't understand until it happened is that it is not just the loss of a baby you hoped for, but all the things that come with a baby. As it was my first time being pregnant, I am grieving the loss of the (public) status of mother. I know women who have a child or children and experience loss also have unique feelings of loss. I really do think it should be talked about more openly. It is nothing to be ashamed of. 
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