New Member 4DP5DT (loss and pregnancy mentioned).

Sugarbreak

Hi all, new member here. I've been lurking but decided to go ahead and post. I am 4 days past my 5 day transfer and going a bit nuts. Just looking for camaraderie to help battle the anxiety and blues as I wait for my beta.

I'm 39, married, no children. This is my 2nd and last IVF attempt. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for about 4 years now. I've only been pregnant once, which ended in miscarriage at about 10 weeks. I suspect I may have had at least one other early miscarriage/chemical preg since then.

I'd planned PGS testing for my first IVF cycle, and NONE of my 5 embryos made it to blast. This time around, we decided on a fresh transfer, so I only have the one little embie inside me now. There is no back up. Everything feels so heavy right now, so much riding on this one. My husband and I agreed that we would put the dream of having a child behind us with this cycle. We can't afford it, financially or mentally. This has consumed us for so long, to the detriment of other things in our lives.

To make matters worse, I think the progestrone supplements I'm taking 2x daily is making me feel extra depressed. It feels like light years between now and my beta next Thursday. I don't feel any symptoms other than the side effects of progestrone.

One of my biggest fears if this doesn't work is becoming bitter. I already feel that bitterness, actually. It's a horrible, horrible feeling. Does anyone else feel this way? What do you tell yourself? How do you cope? I'm so sorry for the bummer post. I wish I had a better attitude about this; I really feel like I'm coming apart.

adirat

@sugarbreak Hi, and welcome. I'm so sorry to hear that your journey so far has been so awful. I have my fingers crossed for your current embie. 

Are you willing to share what your IF diagnosis is? For those people I have seen online who decide to go forward childless, the severity of the diagnosis often informs it -- and whether they will just TTC/NTNP without intervention moving forward, in case they should have a miracle baby at some point. 

I have some in-laws who never had children. They are Catholic and their religious beliefs stopped them from pursuing any type of fertility treatment. I know that they went to therapy (both within the church and from an external psychologist) for some type to come to grips with the direction their life had taken. They said it was really hard for a while to accept, but eventually they found other things to give their life meaning and purpose -- jobs, volunteer work in the church, and having a more active and close relationship with other members of their family. As a person currently going through IF myself, I find it hard to imagine those things would feel like a substitute, but they say that they are very happy and feel satisfied with life. It just took time and therapy to get there. 

I am hoping for the very best for you.

Sugarbreak

@adirat Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I appreciate it immensely right now. I also wish you some peace and success

Prior to IVF, my HSG revealed a blocked fallopian tube. Later, during my first IVF cycle, the operating RE discovered stage IV endometriosis in my ovaries (which explains the tube blockage). Apparently they aspirated some endometriomas not realizing what they were. Considering all that and my age, I don't think it's likely I'll get pregnant naturally. I think we'd fall into the NTNP camp if this pregnancy doesn't take.

Your story about your in-laws is encouraging and reminding me that life goes on. We crave ivf pregnancy success stories, but I think it's also beneficial to hear how those who don't conceive create fulfilling lives without children.

When I was deciding to do IVF, I ended up going to counseling with a therapist specializing in infertility. It helped me make a decision to pursue IVF and to manage the anxiety about it. I have been debating about going back again.

Where are you in your IF journey if you don't mind and have time to share?

[Deleted User]

Welcome!  And fx so hard for your sticky bit-o-honey!   <3. I am so sorry to hear what a struggle you've already been m through.  We have started to have those types of conversations too, more based on the outcome of our next test here, whether or not we may even have the option of ivf for our own bio-kiddoes - physically - on the table at all.  I can't say I have any answers, but just know that you are not alone in staring down the barrel of that potential outcome.  At least that's how it feels to me sometimes! Lol but I know in my heart whatever happens, we will find a way to be okay.  We have to, kwim?  And you will too. :)  fx again so hard this is your lucky peanut!!!  :D. Please keep us updated!

cashewchicken

@Sugarbreak- I'm rooting for your sticky bean and that all this worrying was for nothing. 

I know of several women that dealt with infertility and in the end they decided not to pursue their own biological child. One of my friends enjoy travelling with her husband. Another friend decided to adopt.  She's now a mother of 1, busy taking care of her daughter. Finally another friend decided to use donor egg. Was not an easy decision to make, but after making up her mind, she has no regrets. She's now pregnant with twins in her second trimester. The nice thing with donor egg is that it resets your biological clock. You can be in your mid- to late-forties and have a good chance of becoming pregnant and carrying the baby to term. 

adirat

@sugarbreak I'm so sorry for your diagnosis. I would probably make the same decision as you -- NTNP but not active TTC. I think it's a good idea to seek therapy during hard times. I started seeing a therapist a couple months ago; she specializes in infertility and chronic illness. For me, I am the carrier of a genetic disease that causes egg issues for me and increases my risk of miscarriage. We have also grappled with the TTC vs IVF route (since TTC is difficult, but not impossible, for us) and seeking therapy really helped me. I'm not going to lie to you -- we are really, really far from facing a childless life and I hope we never get there (much as I hope your embie sticks and you don't have to, either). But it has been so incredibly difficult for me to go through TTC and IF, to find out that our IF is 100% my fault, to find out that our future babies are at risk of this disease -- therapy has helped me. 

(tw) I recently had a second trimester pregnancy loss and it was horrible. It's still horrible. But the fact is we will get through all these things because we have to. You will find a way to get through no matter what happens. Don't be afraid to seek help. And as @businesswife said, please do let us know how things go with your embie. We are cheering for you.

Hopeful_mom

hoping this is your sticky bean!!  many ladies have already given you some great advice.  I think it would help to talk to someone if you dont think your OH can help u through.  We are always here for you as well!  Everyone thought I should speak to someone after my MC as its very hard to move forward and not wish i was getting ready to bring a child into this world.  I'm still sitting here going through IVF cycles and yet still wish I was pregnant.  
There are many different ways to being a mom its are you ok with it not being biologically yours.  My OH always wanted to adopt a child which is fine BUT I still want to try and have a child!  In his eyes I will be a mom one way or another...so we shall see.  Just cause I may have embabies until I can deliver a healthy baby we're all in the same boat...just different journeys.  wishing u luck!!

Sugarbreak

Thank you all so much for your posts. Lots of food for thought. I know I'm not alone in this but it's so hard to remember that sometimes. Especially now in my progrestrone fog! Your words bring encouragement. I'm wishing you all peace through this process and a successful outcome.

Today is day 6 past transfer, 3 more days until my beta. My boobs have stopped hurting and I've been spotting off and on since Sat. I'm hoping it's just the progestrone (or implantation bleeding?) and not a bad sign. Doesn't help that progestrone, PMS, and pregnancy share the same symptoms!

@BusinessWife Yes, we will find a way to be okay The awards under your message made me smile.

@adirat I'm so so sorry for your loss. Sending you some healing vibes. The genetic diagnosis is the pits too. I hope it's something that can be worked around. You're not at fault for your infertility or genetic diagnosis. Life is just terribly unfair sometimes.

@cashewchicken It's nice to know that there are so many different avenues. I hadn't thought about donor eggs, but if were to continue pursing a child, it would be something to consider. I'm not totally against it for myself. But I do  think we are all tapped out, emotionally and esp. financially. I see you've got an upcoming FET! Wishing you the best!

@hopefulmom My husband is so so support, but I know there are things he simply can't understand. Our relationship needs a break from IF and IVF talk sometimes too.

In the past, we looked into adopting (from my ethnic background/home country, though I was born and raised in the U.S.) and found that we might not be good candidates for various reasons. The cost and time for international adoption is discouraging and being placed with a child is not guaranteed. It seems just as tenuous as IVF in some ways. I know there are other ways/places to adopt, but we felt strongly that if we went that route, we would adopt a child from my motherland.

Ladies, I will definitely keep you posted on the outcome of my beta this Thursday. Thanks again for your words. xo

Sugarbreak

Hey all, so I broke down and took an HPT this evening. I've been spotting since Sat. and today experiencing some crazy menstrual-type cramps. Well the test is positive! Not a super dark line, but definitely there. I'm 8dp5dt and tomorrow is the beta. Hoping this is not a false positive and I continue to get good news tomorrow.

cashewchicken

@Sugarbreak- OMG congratulations!!! Hoping for a nice good beta and many more great news in the future!

adirat

@sugarbreak I'm so happy for you! I hope this is the beginning of an easy pregnancy with an adorable babe at the end of it. Let us know how your beta goes! (If you're spotting already, you may also want to have your progesterone checked with your beta just in case!)

Sugarbreak

I got my beta back! BFP! HCG is 124 at 9DP5DT. I had that positive HPT last night but getting these numbers back is so great. We are cautiously thrilled! Going back Sunday for beta#2.

Sugarbreak

@adirat I'm concerned about the bleeding and cramps. The last couple of days it has gotten heavier. Today I even felt a small gush--it was red blood. Then back to the pink stuff. I mentioned all of this to my nurse, who said that it can be normal. They're having me take an extra progesterone on any day where I have more bleeding than usual. So disconcerting to have this going on. I'm trying to remain calm about it.

adirat

@sugarbreak I'm sorry you're dealing with that. I know firsthand how frightening that can be. This isn't reassuring, but it really can be perfectly normal. I had strong, period-like cramps multiple times during my first few weeks of pregnancy and as much as it scared me, it was perfectly fine and went away about week 6. I'm glad you're taking extra progesterone -- that's what helped me. 

Do you have an early ultrasound scheduled? Sometimes they can see little spots of blood and warn you in advance to expect them. 

FX so hard for you.

Sugarbreak

@adirat It's freaking me out, though I've run into several stories about women who have full flows in early pregnancy and still end up with their babies. I keep thinking, hey, doesn't my uterus need that blood! Stop it, uterus! Ha!

Nurse says they will schedule a 7 week ultrasound if my beta looks good this Sunday. FX!

[Deleted User]

Yay!  Fx so hard for you and awesome betas!

Sugarbreak

@BusinessWife @adirat 2nd beta is 344.9 and the nurse said that was a good number, up from 124 on Thursday. So. very. relieved. And my bleeding and cramps have tapered off as well--just spotting now. So I'm feeling reassured but also strapping myself in for another long wait until the US!

[Deleted User]

Oh what a relief!  This must feel like a miracle. Congratulations!!!

Sugarbreak

@BusinessWife Thank you! It does feel like a miracle, though I know we have a long way to go. We've been trying for so long and this is our last shot. I sure hope to be holding this babe in my arms next year.

adirat

@sugarbreak Yay that is such wonderful news! I know it's still one day at a time, but this really is such a relief. I am hoping for a great heartbeat and gummy bear-shaped baby on your upcoming ultrasound! 

krenee124

@Sugarbreak I started spotting today / 5dp5dt with 2 embryos - one was hatching and the other had assisted hatching. The spotting isn't red gushing like you described some of your bouts, but it is red/brown. How long did you experience spotting - I know you said Saturday but what day past transfer was that for you? I'm praying so freaking hard for a BFP! 

Sugarbreak

@krenee124 Oooh, I hope it's a good sign for you!!! I transferred 1 with assisted hatching too.

Spotting started 4dpt and it finally let up this past Sat at 11 dpt. I have a bit of pink discharge still, but nothing like the heavier bleeding and cramps I had for a few days there.

I had a couple bouts of nausea today and I'm a bit tired. But that's all the symptoms I've had the past few days. Currently 14dpt with US scheduled for 6/14.

FX for a BFP! When is your first beta and are you planing to POAS?

Sugarbreak

@adirat Aww, gummy bear! It's such a nice image

krenee124

@Sugarbreak I guess I was assuming implantation would have happened sooner. Idk why.. I think I'm terrified of the bleeding I had at 9dp5dt with our fresh cycle and it was just horrible. You're giving me hope though. 

i am SO happy to hear you have a BFP & scheduled ultrasound! Congratulations!

My beta isn't until 6/5. I'd love to get it moved up to Friday or Saturday. I don't think my doctor would let me unless bleeding continued. I POAS yesterday and negative. Was going to try to hold off until Thursday AM to test again. I hate seeing negatives. 

Hopeful_mom

@sugarbreak so exciting to see!  sorry you're on such a roller coaster of a time, glad to se your numbers rising!  are you having a 3rd beta!!  seeing blood so early on must be terrible scary so i hope you're taking it easy so ur bean can continue making its cozy home for the next  9 months!  looking forward to seeing ur next update!!

Sugarbreak

@krenee124 I hope you're able to get your beta sooner too. Hang in there during this maddening wait. FX!

@Hopeful_mom Thank you! Are you currently stimming? I don't have a 3rd beta scheduled. Guess that's how my clinic does it unless there's a reason to test again. I wish I had another one between now and the US, just to put my mind at ease! Thankfully the bleeding has pretty much stopped.

krenee124

@Sugarbreak 2 positives two days in a row! Hallelujah! i can't believe it - DH as I are shocked 

Sugarbreak

@krenee124 Yaaaaaay! Wonderful news! I'm happy for you

Hopeful_mom

Sugarbreak I am currently stemming in my 7th cycle - hoping this is my last one!  Rest of my history is in my spoiler box.  Was feeling like every time i posted a comment my siggy took up the page  
excited for your US!  each clinic is different and that means you're numbers looked good and no need for a 3rd thats great!  

Sugarbreak

@Hopeful_mom You've been through so much! It looks like you already have some great PGS normal embryos to work with--that's amazing. I hope you have more with your current cycle. Wishing you the best of luck!

AFM, I sneaked in a 3rd beta with my PCP on Friday because I was just so full of worry. It came back at 3,007 (17DPT), so I believe that's still a good range. I feel much better and talking with my PCP helped put me at ease too.

[Deleted User]

@Sugarbreak. Ah!  What an amazing beta!!! Congratulations!!!

Hopeful_mom

Sugarbreak thats fantastic congrats!!  excited for your US!!
 I have to be honest i'm getting a lil nervous after my US today, I'm taking all these extra vitamins and supplements this cycle and yet I wonder if they're hurting instead of helping.  For 3 days of stemming my follies are certainly taking their time growing this cycle so who knows if they are normal eggs growing.  I'm gonna put the comparisons for you.

3 days ago Right had 1 at 7, & today was 3 at, 6, 6.5 and 8.  In 3 days of meds the 7 went to an 8...that makes me un easy.
3 days ago Left had 6, 7 and 9.  Today was 6.9, 9.5 and 11.  For 3 days that shows really slow growth.  Looking back at my files I haven't stemmed this slow in a while,  Es went from a 42 to an 88 i think which RE is fine with but makes me a bit uneasy! 

I know its quality over quantity for me BUT if only 2 eggs look ready, thats ALOT of money.  I hate that i have to feel this way already!  It kills my whole mood, I feel so down today.  This cycle was suppose to be easy breezy and i feel like its been anything but!

I'm actually leaning to have my other abnormals retested, not that my RE suggested it BUT I think i"m gonna need to do it for me.  What if they were wrong and I could move on...I dont know it could be all just a waste of money too BUT doing a full cycle of 2 eggs...I dont kno...

Sugarbreak

@Hopeful_mom
I'm sorry for the slow growth. I know the feeling. This process is so expensive and all-consuming mentally and physically. It's such a blow when things don't go as well as expected.

After my failed 1st cycle I took a few months off to make additional tweaks and add another supplement. But still I ended up with fewer eggs and fewer embryos with round#2. Thankfully, with the change in protocol, we were able to do a fresh transfer of the one that made it.

I know it's super frustrating, but remember, the cycle is not over yet. (Also, is there a chance you can cancel this one and try again with a different protocol?) And you still have those 4 PGS tested normal eggs no matter what. That's so very promising! Hang in there friend.

Hopeful_mom

Sugarbreak I did a different protocol for IVF 2 and it was disasterous and converted to an IUI so I feel like my body isn't on board with all the protocols.  I did get normies from the one i'm doing so i'm just hoping its a lil slow going right now.  I still have hope but its such a long frustrating process especially when I shouldve been only 8 weeks till my due date 

Sugarbreak

@Hopeful_mom (((hugs))) I know we never forget the ones that didn't make it but your future babe is coming.

krenee124

@Sugarbreak amazing beta! 
@Hopeful_mom good luck! That wait is hard & watching the RE take measurements of the follicles on the screen is harder bc I always knew what They were looking for and they try so hard to be positive but I Knew they weren't growing large enough!!! Hang in there!!!!

Hopeful_mom

Sugarbreak krenee124 they say its gets easier with time - but I think the reverse...my mind was so focused on getting pregnant you almost dont want to grieve what you lost...and now that the due date is closer and this process keeps taking forever just makes it suck that much more!!  Tomorrow is another day and hopefully I'll have a better US on tuesday.  My RE doesn't do the monitoring I dont think she could deal with all my questions at each check up and the techs just do it.  I have gotten used to it and dont mind it now...I did in the beginning.

Hopeful_mom

I thought I would come share my update as I had a special treat and my RE did my monitoring today - I mean what a surprise that was!! Just when I finished telling you she never does them...she must be spying on me here HAAAA!!!  I told her I was a bit concerned and she felt like everything was fine as I usually progress late...I just reminded her that I think its a lil later then my usual.  She still saw the 3 on the right but they didn't grow all that much in 2 days all still under 9. This was funny she's not sure if she saw 2 or 3 on the Left.  The 2 on the left grew to 12 and 13.5 so i'm adding the cetritide tonight in hopes the smaller ones can catch up and keep growing with these two.  The big concern is what if they dont!!  My E2 did rise in the 200s now so have to hope on thursday my report will be ever better then that!!  I have a feeling this is going to be my longest stemming cycle!  Hoping all this cooking are making them super strong eggs!

Sugarbreak

@Hopeful_mom My RE has only done my US once in 2 cycles too. I hope your  follies grow grow grow and you are surprised with more than expected. Go eggs! When is you estimated trigger date?

Hopeful_mom

Sugarbreak its funny thats the one thing that they dont tell me.  Compared to my others it shouldve been this week or over the weekend.  The DR in me  I figure if things hopefully progress it will be mon/tues.  Its hard as one day my egg grew from a 13 to an 18 over night SO if something like that happens then that changes everything.  I of course dont want that to happen as I have 4 follies under 10 and would really like them to join the party!!

Sugarbreak

Hey all, just wanted to post an update since I had my first scan yesterday. Everything looked good--we had a heartbeat at 129 and the little sprout was measuring around 9.94.

We left the clinic feeling elated and went about our business for the day. Then in the afternoon I had some spontaneous heavy bleeding (like a gush, really) and passed two large clots. Naturally I freaked out and called the clinic. Since the bleeding was tapering off and I had no pain, they had me wait until this morning for follow up.

Today's scan showed that everything was just fine (132 heart beat and measuring under 9mm--so much variation between today and yesterday). The doc found a 1cm subchorionic hematoma on the scan. It's likely that SCH caused the bleed/clots passing yesterday. He said this may clear up soon or it may continue throughout the pregnancy.

So terrifying to know I could have huge bleeds like this at any time. But so relieved that the little sprout is doing okay. I feel spent from all this craziness!