Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Getting over the guilt (Long, possible tw)

Hello everyone, 

This is my first post here.  My husband and I just found out we were pregnant 11 days ago with what would have been our second child. We were not trying, I was on the mini pill as I am still breastfeeding my 21 month old. About 2 weeks before my estimated period date I started having some light cramping and I just knew I was pregnant. I remember the cramping from my first pregnancy as a tell tale sign. I thought I was just being paranoid but took a pregnancy test about 3-4 days before my missed period to ease my mind. It was negative. Honestly I was a bit relieved, had a beer, and didn't think much else about it. Several days later and still no period, and still a light cramping and dull headache that wouldn't go away. I took another test and was stunned to get a BFP. 

I have wanted another baby since DD was about 6 months old but DH and I had decided to wait. We wanted to have a little more time with just DD and we're also trying to avoid a due date of a particularly hectic time with both of our jobs. 

Therefore, upon learning we were expecting, we were stunned. Happiness was not our first reaction I am now embarrassed to say. I was stressed about telling work, stressed about husband's work schedule. As the days went on, we got more and more used to the idea but to be honest I was still struggling. I think a lot of it is just my personality. I'm a planner. I don't like t when things don't go according to my plan and I have a hard time rallying. I told my husband, I know I will get happy once we see the heart beat. And he agreed. We just needed it to be more real for us. 

Unfortunately, 6 days after our shocking BFP I started spotting. It was a Sunday so I didn't do anything right away. When it hadn't stopped Monday I went ahead and called my ob who had me come in. The midwife wasn't overly concerned, said some spotting is normal, but wanted to do a blood test followed by another one in 48 hours. I did my second blood drawl yesterday and was to hear results today. This morning the bleeding picked up and I just knew. I talked to my midwife this afternoon and she confirmed what I already knew. My hormone levels cut almost in half in less than 48 hours.  I'm only about 5 1/2 weeks so she said I would likely bleed like a period. 

I'm honestly not even sure how to feel. I'm devastated by the loss, but mainly I am overcome by guilt. I only knew about this baby for 6 days before the bleeding started. I hadn't had time to process the shock of the unexpected pregnancy. And I have so much regret and guilt for the disappointment I felt when I got my BFP. I was given this beautiful gift and rather than embracing it I was concerned because it wasn't my timing. I honestly feel guilty even saying these words out loud to many of you who have struggled to conceive. I can't believe I was so selfish and I don't know how I will ever get over these feelings of guilt and remorse. I feel like I wished this on myself. My husband has tried to reassure me, saying that this would've happened regardless of our feelings and that we simply hadn't had time to completely get over the shock before the bleeding started. I can't feel better though. I am disgusted with myself. 

I am seeing a counselor so I hope that will help me work through this. It's just so painful. 

Re: Getting over the guilt (Long, possible tw)

  • 40momma40momma member
    I am so sorry you are feeling this way. It's not your fault, no matter what you felt. I'm not sure any words I say can help but please know that you are not alone in this struggle. When I told my bf about my BFP (it was a complete shock for both of us), he was over the moon and I was crying, scared to death. That doesn't mean I didn't love my little bean with every single ounce of myself and my heart was shattered when i m/c, and I am still feeling so incredibly broken. I too struggled with feeling guilty for getting pregnant so 'easily' when so many women have been trying forever. But bringing a new child into this world is a life changing event, whether it's your first or your second or your fifth child. So I think it's only natural to feel scared and shocked and confused when an unplanned pregnancy happens. This has not been easy for any of us on here and everyone's situation is different. I think being honest with yourself is important. Please take care of yourself. 
  • adiratadirat member
    @Savanna111911 I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with. I completely understand why you are experiencing these feelings of guilt, but I want to remind you: this is not your fault. You did not have a loss because of how you reacted. Unfair as it is, early losses just happen. Reacting with surprise to an unplanned pregnancy is a totally natural response even when you love your future baby.

    I also feel a lot of guilt about our loss because our baby girl got a genetic disease from me. It's hard to think about these things being a fluke and not blame yourself. Honestly, I blame myself every single day. I really struggle with it. But all I can do is try to get through the day and remember how much we loved our sweet baby no matter how short a time she was with us. 

    I hope your counseling is helpful. Take care.

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  • I totally get where you are coming from.  We were trying and it took 6 months to get our loss and I lost it around 5 weeks as well.  This was back in December right before New Years.

    I still struggle with the guilt - it's so hard to get it to go away.  I sometimes feel like that was our 1 chance and god doesn't think I can handle another pregnancy again.  There was 1 night I complained and was so scared and anxious because it was starting to seem like DD's pregnant which was very hard on me.  Thing is after a day or 2 I saw how different it was and I was more confident about it.  But I feel like that night I complained and started having doubts was when god took it away from me.  I've since prayed and apologized. I still hope we have a chance for another baby before I get too old.
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  • I'm am so sorry for your loss.. I am praying for you. 
  • @Savanna111911 I am so very sorry for your loss. Science says that how you felt or didn't feel about this baby,has nothing to do with what happened. When I had my miscarriage between 5-6 weeks, everyone in the ER and at my doctor's office were quick to tell me that there was nothing I could do--it wasn't because I walked too much or because I didn't rest enough or because of anything I did or didn't do ((like the days I forgot my prenatal)). It would have happened no matter what I did. I've had some people say that when the pregnancy ends so quickly, they didn't feel as connected with the baby as they did with one that did end in a baby. So maybe our body tries to protect our hearts? I don't know. Feel what you feel. There are no right or wrong feelings. But this is not your fault. Sending you all the love as you deal with your loss. ❤
  • I also got pregnant on the mini pill, micronor to be exact, and finished breastfeeding my son 4 months prior. So I really didn't expect to be pregnant either. When your not expecting a pregnancy it's normal to feel shocked, surprised, upset and all kinds of emotions, but no one ever hopes to lose a baby, it's not your fault your feeling this way, it's all normal ❤️ Sorry for your loss.
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