Helping my husband cope. — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Helping my husband cope.

We recently lost our baby 10 days ago.  I knew in my gut that my body was telling me I lost the baby.  When we went to the er for lower back pain, severe bleeding and tissue loss, and cramps he still thought the baby might be fine because the doc did a pelvic exam, urine sample, and blood work.  He said my cervix was still closed and the baby night be fine but we need to follow up with an ob.  I was pissed because he originally promised results from an ultrasound. But we had no insurance and got treated like chopped liver.  Also went to the ob doc yesterday and she wants me to do blood work weekly starting may 1St once our insurance starts.  It's ridiculous how you are mistreated because of no insurance!  We got no answers.  We're hurting and wondering and searching the internet for so many possible answers.  To this day my hubby has an inkling of hope for baby and will not let me drink!  I hate that he's hurting almost more than me only because my body's reactions are telling me that now my miscarriage is done. I'm pretty much over the bleeding and feeling less hormonal.  Definitely don't feel pregnant anymore which I miss so much at times.  But it's all been a struggle because my sister whom already has a 5yo boy and been through four miscarriages told me four days after my miscarriage that she is 12 weeks pregnant and we would have been a week apart.  I just can't believe she layed that on me especially knowing she's been through this all.  So I'm kinda lost on how to go about helping hubby get through this.  I need time away and getting out the house.  But men mature in a different way and I know he is coping a different way as well.  Prayers and love to all who read this!  Thanks for reading and any advice is appreciated ❤

Re: Helping my husband cope.

  • What blood work did they do in the ER (hcg I'm assuming) and what were the results? Also, and maybe this is obvious but you didn't actually say if you have-- have you taken any pregnancy tests since you have had all of the cramping and bleeding? I'm just curious about the concrete proof that you have in fact had a loss besides "your body's reactions telling you that your miscarriage is done." If you don't have anything (negative beta or BFN) then I get why your husband is still hoping. I know it's hard to be in limbo, but I think I would just try and get through the days, one day at a time, until you can get more blood work from your OB. And maybe don't worry about wether or not you can drink so much. Maybe just focus on self care and spending time with your H for a couple weeks instead.
  • I did blood work a few days after being in the er and my ob called me with hcg results and it went from 4108 to 900. And I seen my ob 2 days ago and she didn't do an ultrasound but she wants me to take blood work weekly.  To watch levels go down.  I am trying to spend time and stay positive with him though. He just shuts down after so long.  
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  • I'm so sorry. Your husband probably needs time to process the loss and work through the grief. Not all men are the same, but in my experience they tend to internalize their emotions. I find pushing them to talk before they are ready usually makes them withdraw further into themselves. Remind him that you will always be there to listen when he is prepared to talk. And most importantly, don't forget to look after yourself. Many hugs.
    BabyFruit Ticker
    petethecat
  • I'm so sorry for your loss. I agree with everything that PP said. Also, maybe include him in any visits to the OB that you can so that he can ask questions there too. Just give him time and be approachable and understanding when he does want to talk. It's really hard navigating loss as a couple. Just take one day at a time. Hugs momma. 
    silvergreen
  • @Thea17. I agree with the pp.  My husband didn't really say anything with our first lost.  I didn't know if he had any feelings about but I was pretty certain he did.  I needed someone to talk to but couldn't really talk to him because he wouldn't say anything so I found comfort here.  One thing I did do was email him some articles written by men that described their feelings.  I think this helped my DH relate because after a few weeks he started talking a bit more still not a lot.  But he did say that article you sent me was good that's how I feel.  I will see if I can find it and post it here. He was slightly more open with this 2nd loss but he still grieves and processes differently and I've just accepted that.  
    silvergreen
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