Cremation — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Cremation

hey ladies...we're going to meet with the mortuary today to finalize cremation plans....I've never had to go through this process for any loved ones....any advice on what to expect or questions to ask? 

DH bought a stuffed animal for Alexander shortly after we found out we were pregnant so we are going to have that cremated with him 
Me: 36 years old   DH: 42 years old
Married: 05.2012  
TW:
TTC #1 Since April 2016
HSG/FSH/AMH/E2/SA all normal DX: unexplained IF

spontaneous BFP 01/01/2017-  Alexander was born sleeping 04/13/2017 at 19w1d  ic/chorio
September 2017 HSG #2 & Gonal-F/Femara/Ovidrel/IUI #1 = ep (Salpingectomy of left fallopian tube)
spontaneous BFP 01/02/2018  EDD Aug 30th  It's a GIRL!
Cerclage placed on 03/02BabyFruit Ticker  Cerclage removal 08/02

Re: Cremation

  • LilLambieLilLambie member
    edited April 2017
    Tw: I'm sorry for everything you are going through right now and I know that there is nothing I can say right now to even remotely make you feel better so I'm going to be factual.

    I went through most of the process over the phone because I organized it before I gave birth. Depending on how big your lo is, will depend on how much ashes they will get. My son was 300g, so they were worried that there might not be any ashes to collect. They advised me to cremate him with a teddy and a blanket so that there was more chance of something being left. They collected my son straight from the hospital and collected the teddy and blanket which we had told the hospital to keep with him. They called us to let us know they had picked him up, again when they cremated him and when we were able to pick up the remains. We chose a urn in the shape of a love heart, and then got a birth announcement teddy bear made. We have had the heart sewn into the bear. 

    The mortuary staff were very good. They were kind and understanding and very tactful. Chose a mortuary that you feel comfortable with. There's a 99% chance you are going to be crying in front of them, so you need to know they will handle it well. One lady I spoke to when finding a mortuary started telling me about her grandson that had just been born and how cute he was. I immediately left because I couldn't hear that. 

    Ask them what their process is. Will they pick him up for you? How involved in the process can you be? What do they think are the chances of having nothing to retrieve? What urns do they have? Do they need to order in a small urn? If they do, what will his ashes be stored in until they get it? If they aren't able to get one that you like and you have to buy one elsewhere will they put his ashes in it or will you have to do it? If we had bought an urn online they would have to give us the his ashes in a temporary box and we would have had to transfer them ourselves, which there was no way I could have done. 

    You are going to forget questions, or something will occur to you later. Ask if you are able to call if you think of something. 

    I'm so very sorry for this whole situation. When my son passed I thought I would never be happy again. At this moment, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You will get through this. You won't be the same, and your heart will always hurt a little bit when you think of your son, but it does get better.

    Eta: I really recommend getting a teddy bear or something similar. I slept with the bear for a while, and he was in my room for a while after that. He now has a nice display cabinet with some clothes and my sons hand and feet casts. 

    Little boy due July 31st 2016

  • Thank you @LilLambie....I was expecting a bunch of high pressure sales honestly but it wasn't bad...we are having him cremated with the hospital blanket and stuffed animal although he did not mention anything about the possibility of there not being any remains so now I'm a bit nervous ....my son weighed 220 grams....we bought our urn from a third party and they said they would transfer everything with no extra charge so I'm thankful for that bc I really didn't like any of their options ......now I'm just working on learning how to breath through each day


    Me: 36 years old   DH: 42 years old
    Married: 05.2012  
    TW:
    TTC #1 Since April 2016
    HSG/FSH/AMH/E2/SA all normal DX: unexplained IF

    spontaneous BFP 01/01/2017-  Alexander was born sleeping 04/13/2017 at 19w1d  ic/chorio
    September 2017 HSG #2 & Gonal-F/Femara/Ovidrel/IUI #1 = ep (Salpingectomy of left fallopian tube)
    spontaneous BFP 01/02/2018  EDD Aug 30th  It's a GIRL!
    Cerclage placed on 03/02BabyFruit Ticker  Cerclage removal 08/02
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  • I'm so sorry for your loss.  I have not had personal experience with this as all my losses have been early, however, I do have friends that went through it.  Based on their experiences, I recommend buying 2 of whatever you have him creamated with, one for him and one for you.  About a year after burying twins, a bunch of us were frantically searching for another set of the sleepers they were buried in because it was a discontinued pattern and their parents didn't think to get another set at the time (which is completely understandable, none of us thought about it either).
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    jillhenhard
  • I'm so sorry for your loss. My experience was something I was completely unprepared for. They had the funeral home pick up the remains after delivery and we weren't involved in any discussion other than signing paperwork to release the remains and a acknowledge our desire for the remains to be cremated. It actually took about two weeks before they called us in to pick them up. They were in a small white rectangular plastic box. The ashes themselves were in a plastic bag inside with a numbered metal tag. It was just about an ounce of ashes (we didn't cremate anything with him). The part that I was unprepared for was all the paperwork when we picked him up. Writing out his name and signing off on a death certificate just wasn't something I hadn't  processsd beforehand. There was no pressure to buy anything, though they did ask us if we were interested in a personalized urn. We declined because my husband had something made for us by a friend. I can't express how much my heart aches for you. But having him here forever in a special place is extremely healing. Maybe one day I'll be able to let him go. But for now he's exactly where he needs to be.

    Mama to two perfect little girls.
    Lucy 07-13-11
    Violet 03-13-14
    Conceived #3 since September 2015
    11-25-15 twelve week loss
    07-21-16 ten week loss
    10-03-16 5 week loss
    TTC again soon!
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