Mental Health Check-In Week of 03/20

pebbledam

***This thread has a general trigger warning! This post can be replied to at any time during the week! Not limited to those with a diagnosis, but please be sensitive others. We will attempt to be as flame free as possible!*** 



How are you doing? Feel free to share a gif, pic, or meme that helps you.

LoveInDC

I'm having a hard time on here lately. The an-O hormones are messing me up in all sorts of ways. I'm worried that I'm never going to O/get pregnant. My emotions are flip-flopping between super sensitive/crying and super horny. Every time I think I feel the start of AF coming on, I just get a ton of EWCM. I am on CD62 and won't see my new OBGYN to kick start my cycle until next Friday, so I'm incredibly impatient. The excess hormones are causing me to breakout which is affecting my excoriation disorder. I keep going on picking sprees which is just making me feel worse about everything.

On top of all of this, I really don't know where I belong on TB anymore. I don't feel right posting in WTO for over 2 months straight, so I called that off until AF. The randoms/daily bitching threads are fair game, but they've been so dead lately. Posting here just makes me go on a depressing rant like this one. I'm around enough to be happy for everyone else, but I feel like I'm in purgatory right now. I don't even feel like I'm TTC anymore...

AlohaKumu

I wanted to send a big, creepy internet hug to all of you.

Thank you for all the well wishes in the weekend randoms thread. Your kind words helped to brighten my day and made me feel a lot less alone. The pain from the blood clot has gotten a lot better and hopefully my doc will give me good news about the deep vein thrombosis tomorrow.

@LoveInDC - I'm sorry to hear that AF has been absent. I know you've been trying to be patient while waiting and I can't imagine what it's like to not know when you will ovulate again. I'm also benched until further notice, so I've been lurking/posting in the random forums here and on the IF board. If you ever want to chat, you can always send a message. I'm on bedrest for the rest of the week, so I'll be around. Or we could start an epic meme thread with each other.

LoveInDC

Thanks @AlohaKumu. Hugs back at you. It's good to know that I'm not alone in purgatory here. It just feels like I don't belong on any of the normal threads. I'm not really WTO. I'm not doing any testing as of yet. I'm not medically benched or TTA. I just don't have anywhere to check in, but then again, I don't really have an update. It sucks. FX for your news tomorrow. Hopefully you get off the bench ASAP. As someone who cannot TTC at the moment, I know how much it sucks. I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow, so I'm hoping it will give me some fresh energy. If I get low again, I will definitely reach out. If I get into a better mood, I'm totally down for a meme/gif war thread

AlohaKumu

@LoveInDC - Yay for therapists! (Our therapist has been really helpful as we have tried to deal with DH's diagnosis and figure out our plans.) I hope your meeting with is awesome tomorrow and that your AF stops hibernating.

I have no idea what's going to happen with our treatments now that I have a blood clot, but I'm hopeful that the fertility clinic will let us continue on if my PCM gives me the all clear in a few weeks.

pebbledam

@LoveInDC - I'm sending you creepy internet hugs. I know that I certainly don't mind if you hang out with the WTO crowd, but I understand why it doesn't feel like a good fit. I don't know much about an-O cycles, so I don't feel qualified to give advice. I feel like you posted this awhile back, but can't remember now - why are you getting a new OBGYN? Is that why it took so long to get an appt? Hopefully after the first visit, your new doctor will be more accessible.  

LoveInDC

@morado23 Thanks for the hugs. I tried WTO for a while, but after people started lapping me, it just got depressing. Not to mention, once AF shows up, I'm still there for 2 weeks. It's just not worth it.

I tried out a new OBGYN ( Dr. B ) in January because my last one (Dr. A) is 2 hours away from me. I loved Dr. A and knew no one could live up, so I decided to give Dr. B a couple chances. But at every opportunity, Dr. B would talk at me and over me. Dr. B was also big on using Clomid and not big on testing or monitoring. When this cycle turned out to be an-O, I didn't feel comfortable reaching out to Dr. B. That's when I knew I had to find someone new. I did my research and found Dr. C who is in high demand and specializes in PCOS and anovulation. I got her schedule finally, but it's not until the end of the month (3/31), early in the morning, and at her further office. By then, I'll be at CD73, but I hope it will be worth it.

LaurenEG14

@LoveInDC- So sorry that you are going through this. I know  how hard it is all too well. I got up to CD 148. I hope it gives you some comfort knowing that once I went to my OB and took progesterone, it came back almost immediately. And I strongly believe I O'd 27 days later and here I am with my second AF. So don't lose hope. It does not mean you're broken. I know it's easier said than done but just try to relax. Stress played a huge role in my issues.  If you need to vent to someone who has been there, you are more than welcome to PM me. But I am going to cross my fingers for you and I hope you find some peace while you wait for that Dr. appointment. It will be here before you know it. 

Avrilmai

@LoveInDC Sending you lot of positive vibes and hugs. I understand the challenge of feeling like you don't belong in any one group. It is hard to want to be a part of the group and yet not have a place where you're comfortable. I know you said WTO is depressing, but perhaps a suggestion? can you share in WTO or TWW your R/R and the GTKY and leave out all of the other stuff? That way you can still participate like you want to. I think you're an asset to the community and, while I don't speak for everyone on the board, I hope you consider joining in. As another thought, has this broad ever done a weekly check in for those with an-O cycles. A thread where those that feel like they don't fit elsewhere can come together for support? I hope you have a great day and your therapist can, like you said, help you with finding some positive energy. I'm sorry you're going through this. 

LoveInDC

@LaurenEG14 Thanks for your story. While I appreciate where you're coming from, "try to relax" is not something helpful to say. While stressing exasperates medical issues, relaxing does not solve them. It also makes it seem like you're saying part of this is my fault by not "relaxing enough." I have stressed myself out of a period once (while on BCP I might add). I know what that's like. I had hysterical breakdowns nearly every day that month. I was an emotional wreck. I'm stressed right now because my cycle is an-O, not the other way around. My cycle has also never been regular, so I have more cause for concern than just one missing period. Like I said, I appreciate where you're coming from and the support you're trying to give, but "relax" is not advice anyone on this board wants to hear.

@Avrilmai Thanks for the vibes and hugs. I tried just doing R/R and GTKY, but being lapped and being left out of half the conversation just wasn't good for me mentally. I don't think an an-O thread would be that popular. Most of us won't know we're an-O until after CD30. Even then, fewer will reach CD60. Most will get something to kick start their periods after that point. Those with chronic an-O cycles are usually on the IF/testing check-ins, which I might join soon, but I don't belong in yet. I only have 2 more weeks of this madness before I should be back on track. Just gotta power through for now.

hartmich

@loveindc I hope the time until your doctor's appointment flies by, because girl, this an-O thing has to suck. It's so shitty and unfair you have to suffer through this waiting period. I totally hear you on why the WTO has gotten to be too much right now (I don't find myself posting much in WTO/TWW anymore because the enthusiasm just isn't the same...) but you're welcome to post in any darn thread you feel like! You're almost to the end of this agonizing cycle, just take it one day at a time to get there!

P.S. I thought of you this weekend because we played the Game of Thrones Board Game! But I think it was the first edition, not the second.... 

LaurenEG14

@LoveInDC- I should have chosen my words more carefully. I was in no way saying that this was your fault. I'm sorry that it sounded that way. I was speaking from my own experience and I should have been more sensitive with my words. I am very sorry. I hope you get all of the answers you need soon.

LoveInDC

@hartmich Thanks for the love I'm popping in on threads when I find them, but between the TTC enthusiasm and thread topics, it's just hard. Two weeks in the grand scheme of this cycle is nothing, but I'm so ready to get back in it and maybe getting some answers... How was the game?! I know the card game has editions 1 and 2, but I thought the board game only had a 2nd edition? So confusing. I hope it was fun either way! I loved the board game chat the other week. It's so much fun to learn what everyone's playing!

@LaurenEG14 Thank you. I know you weren't being malicious or intentional. I know you've have your own an-O struggles and this is nothing new to you. But as someone with distant hope and no answers, it's hard enough to not blame myself right now. I can't speak for everyone, but I think "relax" is the advice we all hear far too often and it just starts to do more harm than good.

breezybee

Sorry @LoveInDC. Sending positive thoughts your way. The waiting game is so difficult as it is, so it's understandable and expected that this would be super upsetting for you. We're here for you. I for one, like seeing you in the boards, but I get that it's just not the same for you right now and that's totally ok. 
Let's liven up these other boards so that we've got other things to discuss, like Game of effing Thrones!
In other news, I went to my third - yes THIRD - therapy Appt yesterday. And I must say; it's pretty nice to be able to whine and bitch about various things in my life, including this maddening TTC journey. It's helping me to not bombard my husband and friends with my frustrations and gives me a place to let all of my negative thoughts go for an hour at least.  Small win for me this week!  

LoveInDC

Thanks @BreezyBee for the positive vibes! I miss being around for all of you guys and I hope to get back in it soon.

I would love a GOT chat! I don't know how active it would be until the premiere. And no offense, I really hope I'm not still here at that point. Maybe a weekly TV talk? We have a VPR/housewives thread. But maybe turn it into a weekly chat about all things TV?

Congrats on getting into the therapy groove! I know how amazing it can feel to finally have that outlet That's a huge win. Don't minimize it

breezybee

@LoveInDC Thanks dude!  That makes me smile
I will definitely be jumping on the Vanderpump thread later after I watch the episode. I feel asleep like immediately after starting it last night lol. 
And no offense taken - I hope we've all moved onto our BMB's by then!

Xoxo

LaurenEG14

LoveInDC- I completely get it and I'm glad you pointed it out. I would prefer to know if I said something to offend.
Also, would like to point out that I am a huge fan of GOT. So right there with you and @BreezyBee  on that one. I'm sad that its not premiering until summer. In past years it would have been right around the corner. Having withdrawals *sigh*...

LoveInDC

@LaurenEG14 I get so mad when shows change up their schedule! It's just not fair. Plus then, it's just more time to forget where they left off last season. Sigh. I have too much to marathon through right now to start rewatching it before the premiere. How rude!

Therapy update! My therapist essentially told me to get my head out of my ass. I definitely needed that kick in the butt. Fun mantras to remember:

• I am living my life like all that matters is getting pregnant, which is wrong for so many reasons.
• I can't put my life on hold and embrace the depression hoping something good comes out of it.
• I need to put some good in my life, and I have the power to do that.
• My life will not be decided by one OBGYN appointment and I can't hang my life on it. There may be tests, more waiting. I can't expect it to solve everything.
  
• There are a ton of things I can do that will be good for me mentally, physically, and emotionally which will ultimately help any TTC efforts. But I need to do them for me first.

I'm taking this motivation and putting it to good use. One of my main things I need to improve are my fitness and nutrition. When I got home, I took my pup for a mile walk. Good exercise, bonding with and training the dog, plus some good vitamin D and endorphins. After the walk, I made a healthy fruit and yogurt smoothie for lunch. I'm going to start looking for a church that I can socialize with and volunteer for. Motivation. Positivity. Moving forward.

MJDsquared

@LoveInDC I've been trying to tell myself that I need to stop thinking like getting pregnant is the only thing that matters, but it's definitely hard! I'm so glad your therapist has been helpful.

AlohaKumu

Yay! I'm glad to hear that you had an appointment that motivated you and gave you a (literal and metaphorical) breath of fresh air, @LoveInDC! The smoothie sounds delicious and I'm glad you and your pup had a great walk together! I think those mantras are helpful for all of us. Hooray for positivity and moving forward!

Avrilmai

LoveInDC said:
*snip*
Motivation. Positivity. Moving forward.

@LoveInDC so glad your session went well. What great mantras. I love the way you ended your post. I think that is something we can all use a reminder of sometimes 

pebbledam

I wish I had somewhere else to turn, but I don't have anyone IRL that I can talk to. My DH had trouble performing last month due to anxiety. On his own accord, he told me that he want going to masturbate this week to try to help with issue. I came home from work this morning hoping to BD and he couldn't finish. I asked and he said he masturbated last night. I understand that we work completely opposite schedules, but he didn't even try anything yesterday. I just feel like I'm the only one trying here. I'm scared to ask him if he really wants this because I'm afraid he'll say no. 

LoveInDC

@morado23 Hugs hugs hugs friend. First thing, I wouldn't worry about YH wanting it. You said it yourself, he decided on his own to try something to help. He is probably dealing with guilt, shame, worry, and all other sorts of things that come with not being able to finish when he wants to. Especially since you're trying to have a kid.

The rest of this post has a huge *TMI* warning:

What was your sex life before this? Once a week? Twice a month? Once a month? If he doesn't typically have a high sex drive, you can't expect that to totally change (even if you really want/need it to).

Here are some other suggestions that could help:

• Along the lines of what he's doing now, try to keep a rhythm of him finishing (either by masturbation, oral, or sex) every other day. And that's always (FW, AF, TWW, etc.). My DH and I used to go up to 3 or 4 weeks without anything. Now that we make sure to do something every other day, he can't make it past day 3..
• As unsexy as it is, find out whether he can masturbate to completion. There are days where DH for one reason or another just can't get there with just sex. On those days, he goes at himself for as long as he has to and pulls me in for the finale. It's not the ideal, but it gets the job done when we have to.

Again, hugs hugs hugs. This is not something fun to be going through. Remember that there is HIO outside of making babies. Utilize the HIO during the TWW or before FW to connect and have fun so that sex doesn't become all about the pressure to make babies. Good luck

pebbledam

@LoveInDC - Thank you for your hugs and support. The following is TMI:

Before TTC we probably had sex at least twice a week and he would masturbate about twice a week. Last month during my FW, he totally psyched himself out and the following week he was fine. So, we talked about what caused the anxiety and what we both could do to mitigate the effect of it. And we were both in a really good mindset going into this cycle. I didn't tell him when FW was this month, but he kinda knows it starts shortly after I stop bleeding which why he made the "no masturbating" proclamation. To top it off, he has trouble finishing during sex anyway so he has to finish manually (just as you mentioned).

I'm really discouraged that the only time he has trouble finishing is during FW. The rest of the month is fine. I keep thinking and rethinking about everything I'm doing to figure out if I'm doing something that triggers his anxiety. It feels like he's sabotaging himself and I don't understand why and when I asked for an explanation he just said "I don't know" and "I'm sorry."

LoveInDC

@morado23 FWIW, it sounds like he wants to finish/have a kid. If it's messing with his head, it's not on purpose and it's not your fault either. He is probably just as confused and frustrated as you are. If it continues, maybe see a couples counselor or even a sex therapist. They would able to help with the communication block you seem to be having and talk you and YH through some of the performance issues getting in your way. FX you figure it out on your own, but no shame if you need to see