The pressure of having one sex over the other **update — The Bump
September 2017 Moms

The pressure of having one sex over the other **update

500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments 5 Answers
edited March 2017 in September 2017 Moms
Any STMs+ feeling the pressure from family (and/or loved ones, friends, etc.) about hoping for one sex or the other?  There are so many girls in our family and everyone is drilling into me that I MUST be having a boy, and everyone is feeling so confident that I am that I feel like if its another girl, they are going to feel sorry for me!  We weren't going to find out the sex but now we are going to have a small reveal at our home on Thursday, and I cant shake this feeling of when we share the news that the excitement will be lost if "its another girl."  I think all the "boy" hype is also building up my husband and I am really scared he is going to feel let down if its not.  I mean, I know he is going to be outwardly happy regardless the outcome, but I am sad to think that in silence he may be disappointed that he'll never have his son.  For me, I never had a sister and I think having a sister for my DD would be awesome.  I also know everything girl, so I'd be very comfortable in my element once baby is here, which is still besides the point because truthfully I would be happy with either. In retrospect, I wish I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant until after we found out what we are having so that way there wasn't so much anticipation for what we are having.  Sorry, i'm kind of just rambling on about this.

**update in a new post
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Re: The pressure of having one sex over the other **update

  • I'm not experiencing this at all from our family/friends.  But I feel for you.  This would drive me nuts.  I might opt to keep the sex to myself if my family were behaving this way!

  • @LuckyPenny1231  I just had a little cry here in my office after I posted this.  Ahhh hormones, go home!  I have it written down in an envelope right now in my purse, and I think I just want to open it today with my husband and play the "sick" card for Thursday and tell them we'll reschedule.  Then the other part of me says i'm being dramatic about it and just to deal with it on Thursday and it is what it is.  I can't believe how emotional this is making me feel, I hadn't even thought much about it until I got the envelope yesterday indicating what we are having, now I am anxious as hell.
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  • This is my first and I still feel a little pressure from family to have a girl. I think the baby is a girl, but I'm afraid my family, especially my mom, will be upset if I have a boy. I think the pressure is there because my mom knows that I plan to name a girl after her mother and she really wants that. She keeps talking about how great it would be. It is a little stressful worrying that your family will be less excited. Just know you're not alone. 

    Me: 32 DH: 32 TTC#1 since Oct 2015
    PCOS - BFP!!!! 1/16/17 EDD: 9/22/17 Baby Boy - born 9/18/17

  • Yeah everyone thinks I'm having a girl. Everyone except dh and my dad. the great debate will be over for me in a few weeks thank goodness. 
  • We had a few comments when I was pregnant with DS. We were team green though. Nobody could be disappointed with the sex when they met our perfect little man! There wasn't much pressure though. That would stress me out. Sorry you're feeling it!
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  • I feel ridiculous that this is stressing me out.  
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  • @SugarRush Don't let it make you feel bad that you are getting stressed. Your feelings are very real. I'm sure everyone will completely forget their sex preference once your cute little nugget gets here. 
  • I sort of have this. We have two girls and one boy so everyone wants me to have a boy. DH really wants another boy to even things out. I keep telling him he better be excited when we have another beautiful little girl. Try not to let them get you down. I say open the envelope with DH tonight. Then be super excited no matter the sex and everyone else will follow suit. The bottom line is you are still having a beautiful baby and everyone will still be excited.

    PS My dad had 3 girls and my mom said that now he says he wouldn't have ever wanted a boy, even though whe she was pregnant he wanted a boy.

  • ugh, I can't stand when people do this. It is just so ridiculous. It is also why I don't find out what I am having, because nobody is going to express disappointment about a healthy baby once it is here. My parents have five granddaughters and no grandsons and I got it a lot when I was pregnant with DD that I "needed" to give them a boy. It is absurd. Unless you plan to adopt, you can't guarantee the sex.

    People don't know I am pregnant yet and I am relishing in that so I don't have to hear their crap for another little while. Honestly, though, I feel ya and I think it is crappy that people make you feel bad.
  • This is my first baby, but my mother in law refuses to call the baby anything but "he" and talks about how it just HAS to be a boy. She has 4 grand daughters and no grandsons. I get that. I, however, have no control over the sex of my baby. I hate feeling like she is going to be upset if it's a girl. It's annoying. 
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  • At the end of the day, this is your child and your family will love them regardless of gender. If they really act disappointed at the reveal you should confront them, but maybe individually. A lot of people are clueless that they are being rude and hurtful, especially when it comes to babies. 
  • wyomama0427wyomama0427
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited March 2017
    I've said this before in one of the other posts about this topic, but I've got two nieces and whenever we are visiting and DH is holding the youngest or playing with the oldest my mom always has to say "See this is what you need, you need a little girl now."

    Just like I said in the other comment on the other post.... I don't NEED a certain sex child to complete my family. If we have another boy we'll be completely thrilled. Whoever this baby is, they're perfect whether boy or girl. 

    Why is everyone so obsessed about the sex of other peoples children?
  • You all are making me feel so much better, seriously.  I never expected to feel this way, and I really hope I've never subconsciously done this to someone else.  All this time I've been wanting/praying/hoping for healthy baby, and that's what I tell people when they ask me if I want one or the other.  A guy at my work had the nerve to tell me (while we had been trying for 1.5 yr to get pregnant)  "When you are going to give your husband a boy? You need a boy."  Eye rolls for days.  Watch, this will be a girl and i'm going to tell everyone to suck on that!! ;)  
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  • Yessss, 100% yes. I have a boy, our BIL has 2 boys and my sister has 2 boys. So of course everyone is just hoping for "their girl." Drives me a little crazy. Of course we will be elated with whatever sex but I'm a little nervous for a girl and would be completely thrilled with another boy.
  • Souptin said:
    We've been asked if we're "trying for a girl" because we have a we're trying for a baby. "but dont you just want a little girl?" Eh, I still just want a baby- if I have any wish for anything its that this baby sleeps better than my son -what is dangling (or not) between babies legs makes no difference to me. But a good sleeper? Yeah, thats something I can get behind  hoping for.
    I so hate these questions. Just like the questions "If you have a boy this time, will you stop", "what if this one is a girl too?" "Aren't you going to keep trying until you have a boy?" No to all of these questions. I just want a happy healthy baby. If that isn't enough for you, then you can go sit on a fork.

  • I'm so sorry you're going thru this! People suck. When I had DS, people were all about The next should be a girl. We didn't care what it was. It did end up being a girl. However we had the weirdest thing happen - everyone, whether we knew them or not, immediately started saying "One of each? Now you can be done". Like who are you to tell me how many kids I should/shouldn't have? Id always answe with "oh well we want at least one more" and they'd always scoff (spelling?) and be like "really, why? You have one of each, it's perfect". For YOU maybe haha. We find out in two weeks and will have the kids bite into cupcakes that are either filled with pink or blue frosting on the inside, but like F off. Haha. So I think regardless if you have two of one or one of each, people are always so quick to tell you how your family dynamic should be.
  • I'm a FTM, but I definitely feel some pressure. My in-laws like girls better, but definitely want this to be a boy, since DH is their only son, and the only chance to carry on the family name. It is a boy, but we haven't told them yet. Neither of my in-laws have ever quite known what to do with their son, and I'm not sure they'll know what to do with a grandson either once he's out of the baby/toddler stage. 

    My mom, on the other hand, really wanted this to be a girl, and even though she hasn't said it, I think she's a little disappointed he's a he. I get it, there's something special about your girl having a girl, and I think she'll be fine once he's here.

    For my part, I'm too thrilled that I'm going to have a son to care too much what other people want! :love:    
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  • DH and I had couple friends who were pregnant the same time we were with DS and they were having a girl. They were Muslim and he straight up asked my DH in front of me how we got a boy and what was wrong with his wife that she is having a girl? So I said well apparently the only thing wrong with her is she decided to marry you... the sperm determine sex so her carrying a girl is your fault. I mean give me a break! But I also got everyone on team pink (only one person was team blue this time but she has a boy too and knows how awesome they are and how much having another would be so crazy and fun) but then we found out and everyone aww one of each how you can be done? Even though we most likely will be done after this one why would people say that? Having one of each isn't everyone's end goal? 
  • @lap018 that really sucks. We're Muslim and our first was a girl and now everyone has their fingers crossed it's a son. The in laws have already suggested they will be naming if it is a son .... ahahaha, no.

    Really sucks because in Islam it's considered a blessing to have a girl first and you're granted heaven if you have three girls. When will muslims catch up with Islam? Culture seems to win out still.
  • I have only a sister, DH has only sisters, and we have a girl, so I wouldn't be surprised if we had some family members "requesting" a boy (we haven't told anybody yet). But honestly, I can't really see our families being dicks about it. I know DH wants a boy, and it would be cool to have one of each, but of course we will be happy either way (and a part of me wants DD to grow up with a sister like I got to). My mom, not even knowing I am pregnant, a week or so ago mentioned that my Dad wants our next one to be a boy (I don't think he'd say that to my face though), but that she already had "her girl" (DD), so she doesn't care. *eyeroll*

    Anyway, I am sorry for people with rude families that are actually getting pressured for something they have no control over.
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  • MrsVP614MrsVP614
    500 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited March 2017
    This just sucks. No one should take any joy out of having a baby, and making comments to add pressure like that is super unnecessary, since you can't control it. I'd be tempted to tell them you decided not to find out, but we are team green, so I'm a bit biased. ;) It's also our first. I know DH would prefer to have a daughter, but he will be so excited either way, once baby is here.

    edited: mobile bump typos 
    Me: 31 DH: 31
    Married: 10.15.16
    BFP: 12.24.16
    DS BD: 8.20.17

  • @CSL522 we are in a similar situation, we have a boy, BIL is due with their 3rd boy and SIL is due with her 2nd boy.  Everyone desperately wanted a girl, we are on the fence and can go either way really doesn't matter to me if it's a boy or a girl.... I'll be happy after my NT scan once we know baby is probably healthy! The pressure for a girl is so crazy we might keep the gender to ourselves...
  • I think everyone feels pressure in one way or another. I have 2 boys and now I'm pregnant with twins. When I tell anyone I'm pregnant with twins the first thing out of their mouth is always, "at least one of them HAS to be a girl, right?" Or "if they're both boys are you going to keep trying for a girl?" 

    I always respond with "a girl would be great, but 2 more boys would be awesome too." People act skeptical like I'm blowing smoke, but I really would be thrilled with 2 more sons.

    You said in your OP you'd be happy either way, so keep focusing on that. Don't let the family take away any of your joy! 
  • My two brothers don't have kids but my sister has 3 boys, and I have 1 boy. When I found out I was pregnant this time, the first thing my sister said was "this one better be a girl". Uhh.. no. This one wasn't conceived because we wanted a girl, but because we wanted another baby! I would be absolutely as happy with another boy as I would with a girl. I do not have a preference, but the comments are driving me insane. I honestly feel like there are a few people who would be disappointed with another boy, which is terrible. I would never be disappointed with another beautiful little life. Don't let anyone make you feel bad, or that you should be upset about the sex of your baby! 
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  • So much pressure here to have a boy. We have our daughter and had our son who passed away 6 years ago. My inlaws and parents are both hoping for a boy ( this really gets to me because you can't replace what was lost). My My mother has even bought boy clothing incase. My hubby would like boy as well. I just want a take home baby after fighting for so many years to get here. 

    My gut says girl and there will be some seriously disappointed people if I'm right. This is the entire reason I want to be team green or at the very least not tell anyone. 

    I'm sorry you are feeling pressure as well. Don't let anyone ruin the excitement for you and your DH. And at the end of the day once baby is here, no one will really be upset about whether baby is boy or girl. 
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  • @SugarRush I'm glad your H is still thrilled even if baby is a girl. He seems to have a healthy attitude too. Best of luck with the rest of the family. 
    Me: 32 DH: 32 TTC#1 since Oct 2015
    PCOS - BFP!!!! 1/16/17 EDD: 9/22/17 Baby Boy - born 9/18/17

  • DH and I are getting this a lot as well.  We already have DS, so everyone automatically mentions that we must want a girl now, right??  Depending on what sex they're hoping for, I either get an enthusiastic response or a disappointed grimace when I say I'd really love to have another boy.  We'll be happy either way, but I love being a boy mom!  And seriously, we have no control over it at this point, it's been decided for quite a while.
    DS1: Born 11.18.15
    DS2: EDD- 09.08.17

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  • I'm a first time biological Mom but my stepson who lives with us has a little half brother and two step brothers through his mom and he desperately wanted us to have a girl. We had names picked it already so he took to saying goodnight to the baby with the girl name. I finally, very nicely, asked him to stop because we know yet and we'd be happy no matter what so long as the baby was healthy.
    When we found out we're having a boy he was sad for about 2.5 seconds but has definitely jumped on board of loving his little brother. 
    Our families did not care although I think my FIL was secretly very happy for a boy baby since most of his grandchildren are girls. My dad definitely did not care but did say it would be weird... I'm an only child, my dad is the youngest sibling/youngest of his generation, and my husband and I met when my stepson was 5 so he has never been around a boy baby.
    The only person who had an opinion was my coworker who decided I was having triplets, one boy, one girl and one hermaphrodite. .... Not a thing.
  • @wineren ... I guess your coworker was covering their bases? IDK, that is definitely a weird kind of comment to make, even as a joke. 
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