Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Hello and Sending Love

Hi girls. Just wanted to introduce myself and share my MC story with you. I feel like the more we talk about it, the easier it is to begin the healing process, although I completely respect every coping strategy you choose for yourself. We all grieve in our own ways.
i found out I was pregnant on January 28. I knew I was, I felt it. We weren't trying, but we also weren't "not trying." Fiancé and I finally reached that point financially and emotionally and knew if it happened we would love and embrace the possibility.
I had a very smooth and fairly symptomless pregnancy - bloodwork was doing what it should, check ups we're going great, but starting last week, I was waking up every morning very depressed. I felt purposeless, like all my daily tasks had no meaning. I wanted to stay in bed all day. I figured this was normal, and as we had our first ultrasound scheduled this Wednesday, I held on to the idea that the best day of my life, getting to see my baby and its heartbeat was coming up.
unfortunately, that was not the case. Baby popped up right away externally. I was thrilled. US operator said she needed to do an internal. After doing all her photos she had me get cleaned up. I said to fiancé, "I wonder why she didn't show us a heartbeat. Maybe that's not how it works."
when we exited to the hallway she told me to see the doctor immediately. I started crying - I knew what was up instantly as I had a follow up scheduled the next day, so if things were right, that wouldn't have been happening. I have an awesome doctor and nursing staff. They put us in a private room and explained what they kind of knew, but we had to wait for the charts to be sent to read for official news.
Baby had stopped growing last week. My body started absorbing some of the fluid, but I needed to start misopropsal treatments ASAP to start the process.
We actually drove around a little and "untold" those closest to us. We had our prescriptions filled at Walmart so we walked around a little and even went to dinner. Too much shell shock at this point. Fiance went to work at 10PM and I started my treatment just with the hopes of getting it over with.
To my dismay, nothing happened until long after my pain medication wore off. And even then, nine hours later, it was just heavy bleeding and cramping. We returned for a follow up US the next day, and it was by far the saddest day of my life. Yesterday I couldn't wait to see baby, today I prayed I wouldn't.
Unfortunately, nothing had passed. Dr. suggested another round and sent us home with many well wishes. If it didn't work, we were going to d and c the following day. This round, literally nothing happened. No bleeding. Nothing. Just sadness.
This morning, I knew exactly what was going to show up on US. I took my mother in law so I could let Fiance focus on our business, because being homeless is just another layer of stress I don't want to deal with.
Quick visit with doctor and I was prepped for surgery. One of the amazing benefits of going to an OB with an office in the hospital. The staff was amazing. I was on my way to the OR in no time, and out cold moments later.
Just like that, its over. Something about physical closure really did it for me. The fact that the Dr. and his staff showered me with optimism about trying again as soon as nature allows really just made this experience I guess as pleasant as it could be.
I didn't know how badly I wanted this little one until it came to be. Having it taken away without any reason other than nature and crappy odds is frustrating and heartbreaking.
I don't know if this is a personal thing, but I could not have handled these three days of hell without having a tribe. To cry with, share with, emotionally support Fiance in ways that I'm not capable of right now because I am trying to put myself together. He has been the best. Everyone has been the best. I was so cringey about telling people we were pregnant as early as we did in case this happened, but I wouldn't change anything now, because trying to handle this alone would have been unbearable for me. 
I guess what I want to say is don't be afraid to share your sadness. You don't have to handle this burden alone. Why there is any stigma attached to this common condition blows my mind. You didn't do anything wrong. More people is more prayers and more encouragement for your future attempts. If you are up to it, do whatever you can to show the women you care about that it's ok to be a part of that twenty five percent ... that we don't have to hide our feelings and that we are entitled to act however we need to for as long as we need to to get ourselves back to where we want to be.
sending love and prayers to anyone who needs them. This sucks. So bad. I'm here for you, PM me, tag me, I don't mind. You aren't alone no matter how much you might feel that way right this second.
Sorry for the monster post, but this is for me, too. And our angel. And our future dream babies that I know we will get to meet and spoil and hug and love when the time is right.
 <3  <3<3
*TW* Angel J. Conceived 1/1/17 - nonviable 3/7/17

Re: Hello and Sending Love

  • Thank u @mountainmartha

    Married: October 2014

    Me: 35 DH: 39

    TTC since November 2014

    Diagnosis: Anovulation from PCOSish without syndrome, Male factors - low motility and morphology issues

    April-Sept. 2015 - Clomid and TI - BFN

    Dec. 2015- HSG - Clear tubes

    Jan., Feb., March 2016 - Letrozole 7.5mg and TI with HCG trigger= BFN

    April, May, June 2016 - Letrozole 7.5mg and IUI with HCG trigger= BFN

    September 2016 - IVF round #1;ER 9/26 with ICSI on 14 eggs - developed mild OHSS. 

    Sept 2016 - 12 non-PGS embryos frozen (5 5AAs)

    FET #1 Jan 16, 2017 - BFP!- MC at 6W5d

    FET #2 May 8, 2017 - BFP! EDD 1-24-2018

  • @mountainmartha I am so sorry for your loss. I just wanted to thank you for this. I'm sorry I wasn't able to read this sooner. It would have been immensely helpful to me upon discovering my MMC. I chose a D&C because of similar stories, and, like you, it gave me the same kind of physical closure I needed.

    Thank you again. Many hugs.
    BabyFruit Ticker
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  • @mountainmartha.  I'm so sorry for your loss.  I felt/feel the same way you do.  I have to talk about it to move forward.  d & c was also closure for me. 
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