So, I’m engaged to a wonderful man. Unfortunately he lives with his family (long story) at the present time and we can’t currently afford to get a place together. While I do still live with my family, I spend my nights with him at his place until the baby comes. I’ve had some issues with my pregnancy and we feel better about things doing that.
Basically, my problem is that his family has absolutely no respect for personal boundaries. I am constantly being lectured by my fiance’s grandma about how my family needs to provide more financial support for me (load of crap. I’m 21 and they house me. That’s plenty), how my father needs to be more excited about and supportive of my pregnancy, and how I shouldn’t have continued to work during my pregnancy (I did eventually have to stop working because of health issues). Hell, one day after I got back from the hospital, I had to spend half an hour calming his grandmother down and reassuring her that I was ok only to get a long lecture about all of the above and then be told that my fiancé and I should have waited longer to have children. She knows full well that this baby was unplanned.
I am also constantly being nagged by his grandmother and mother about my diet and other health issues. I can’t walk into the kitchen without being asked if I’m feeling sick or how my morning sickness is treating me. They for some reason feel that it’s appropriate to ask me how much I’m eating, what I’m eating, if I’m sure that I’m eating enough, and to constantly tell me that I need to eat more since I’m “eating for two.” I have even had them throw more food on my plate during dinner when I have clearly told them that I’m full. I was somewhat overweight when I got pregnant. I needed to not gain weight, and I have been very mindful of eating a healthy, nutrient dense diet. I also get asked at least once a week if I’m taking my vitamins (which I don’t, you pee them all out, but I tell them I do to shut them up) and if I’m going to the doctor like I’m supposed to (which I obviously do). They don’t seem to understand that it’s not at all appropriate to nag people about their food intake, or that I’m an adult and can regulate my own diet.
His mother, grandmother, and grandfather all like to say how “we” are having a baby, as in the whole family. They are not having a baby. I am having a baby. My fiancé and I are the parents to be, not them. The statement itself is not a direct insult, but I am very wary of the mentality that it expresses: they’re older, they know better, and therefore get to make decisions for my child whether I agree with them or not. They are already challenging major parenting decisions my fiancé and I have made together. The biggest of these was us saying that his mother could not be around our child after he’s born (there’s a long history of verbal and mental abuse. The woman is a nutter). We wound up having a 2 hour long fight that his grandparents felt the need to get involved in when it clearly was none of their business. They have no respect for the fact that my fiancé and I are the parents here. We alone have the right to make decisions for our child.
And now, to top it all off, his grandmother got it into her head that they are going to be visiting us in the hospital after my son is born. I had let it slip to her that I had already picked out his going home outfit, and she lit right up and carried on and on about how she was so excited to meet him and see him in his little outfit. I have clearly told them that I don’t want visitors at the hospital. For some reason she seems to think that that won’t apply to family. And honestly, there are a couple of people that I wouldn’t mind seeing: my brother and sister-in-law and my child’s godfather. But that’s it.
What do I do about them? They are so disrespectful and entitled already. I am not a person that can be walked all over normally, so I fear that I’m going to completely go ham on them once the baby’s here. How do I get them to respect boundaries? My fiancé has tried talking to them, but that hasn’t worked.
Re: Need advice please. I'm having issues with my future in-laws.
The most elegant solution is to move out. Obviously I have no idea about your particular financial situation, but as long as you are only a few years removed from childhood (i know, 21 IS an adult, but parents/grandparents don't always just adapt to the new reality within a few years) and loving at home you will probably be told what to do.
It seems to me from your post at least that you have some kind of normal in law things mixed in with some more worrying boundary issues. Like for example the prenatal thing. Is it really that big a deal that they ask about it? (And it seems like they might actually have the more conventional view of the usefulness of prenatals during pregnancy.) Isn't it a stereotypical grandma thing to keep encouraging you to eat? Mine does it all the time and I'm 31 years old, lol. And it seems a little weird to let your brother visit in the hospital but not the grandmother your husband (and you, since you're staying with him) lives with...I get that you might perceive them differently but if I were her it would be hard not to be offended in that case.
The financial things and worrying about interfering with your parenting are much more significant in my experience and why I think moving out of you can manage it might be the easiest solution. As long as you love with them, they WILL have influence over your kid. If you are not okay with that, some hard decisions have to be made.
Like I said I hope this isn't offensive for you. I totally get your frustration and anxiety from your post, and my intention isn't to make it worse! But your discomfort with the whole situation made me want to be really straightforward.
I lived with my in-laws for a short time, and no matter what boundaries I tried to make, my MIL would cross them. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned in other OMG MIL threads, but she went so far as to walk in on us having sex because she "thought H was crying" . At the time I was LIVID, but I've come to realize that to expect privacy IN HER HOUSE was not a reasonable expectation, really it was a bit naive. She didn't have to let me stay there, I was an adult (mid 20's) at the time. I sucked it up, saved saved saved, and we got the HELL out of there as fast as possible.
It was the BEST decision we could ever have made.
My suggestion is to save save save and try to get your fiance out of their house as soon as possible.
I just realized I forgot to mention that the plan is for me to go back to spending nights at my family's home after the baby comes until such time as we can afford a place. My fiance was invited to move in too, but we both see a lot of potential for problems arising from that. So, most likely after the baby comes, he will be there and I will be here without him to help with the baby for the most part.
This opened a whole new can of worms with his family. They're really upset that I won't be staying there with the baby. Despite the fact that at my home I will have some privacy, space, and help when I need it (and only when I need it), they can't understand why I don't want to be crammed into a timy room with my fiance and child. I know them well enough that if I stayed there, his mother and grandmother would constantly be hovering over me and the baby. I could not handle dealing with that. I am happy that they want to help, but I'm supposed to be learning how to care for my child. They're the people that will pull him out of my arms if he starts fussing because I'm "young, and tired, and inexperienced." We've already had these issues with them and my fiance's 2 year old daughter. They can't stop interfering. Things got so bad with his family that we had to stop bringing his daughter to the house when he has her for a day every other week.
Personally I've reached the point of not caring about hurting their feelings, and that's not a good place for me to be in.