Monday Mental Health Check-In Week of 1/23

NYTino24

***This thread has a general trigger warning! Idea stolen from a BMB... This post can be replied to at any time during the week! Not limited to those with a diagnosis, but please be sensitive others. We will attempt to be as flame free as possible!*** 

How are you doing? Feel free to share a gif, pic, or meme that helps you.

adirat

@LuND @hartmich @NYTino24 and any others struggling with the men --

I read something in Alice Domar's Conquering Infertility that I am going to try, and I thought it may be of interest to you.

In the book, she writes that women often feel like their male partners aren't sufficiently vocal or supportive of TTC struggles, while men often feel like their female partners are too fixated and talk about things too much without it being productive. (Nailed us, for sure.) She recommends trying a strategy where each evening, you spend 10 minutes of uninterrupted, undistracted time talking about TTC -- how you are feeling, what you've learned, any next steps, etc. The most important thing is for each person to share how he or she is feeling in sort of a "safe space" setting that is also time limited. The goal is for each person to get out their feelings and give support to the other, then for it to be over so you can do other things and focus on other things. 

I talked to DH about this last night and we are going to try this now that we're going to the RE. One of the things he communicated to me last night is that when I feel "unsupported," he is actually trying to be strong and not put his sadness onto me because he thinks I can't handle it. He said he is absolutely as devastated as I am every cycle, but he doesn't want me to have to bear that when I am in so much physical as well as psychic pain. Hearing that gave me a different perspective from "I have my period and he doesn't even care" that sometimes crosses my mind. 

Anyway, just wanted to share in case it's useful. I'm liking the Conquering Infertility book so far -- it's all about ways to reduce stress and anxiety, which I need. I can't remember who on here recommended it to me -- was it @sheknows6? Whoever it was, thank you!

lund

@adirat I love that idea! And your DH's insight into the male side of things is very eye opening. Thanks for taking the time to share this with us!

kaitlink33

@adirat thanks for sharing! I may have to check out the book and see if DH is up for trying that. 

LoveInDC

@NYTino24 - I'm sending you a TW not to check the "friend's wedding" thread if you haven't already. If you have, sending hugs and know you're free to talk here if you need to.

ETA: Just an update that the thread has since been edited and NYTino24 seems to have visited via "Love it"s.

NYTino24

Thanks @LoveinDC. Monday B*fest alerted me without using my name and I went there. I don't know what she said because it was edited. I'm okay. Love you guys!!! 

hartmich

@lund (from the other thread) and @adirat thank you friends, so much, for your thoughts and words of wisdom. DH actually approached me on Sunday (which never happens) to talk about it. Apparently what he means by saying he isn't ready is that he wants to NTNP for right now... but that also includes him being on board with getting an SA so that they can continue with any potential diagnosis at the RE. So for example, if the RE came back and said I have PCOS and gave me some medication, he would want us to just HIO on our own for a few months (without temping or OPKs) and go from there (and hopefully get KU). So what it boils down to is he wants to get KU "the old fashioned way" essentially. And then in the summer, he would be willing to discuss more options.

The SA and my testing also really freaks him out, which he hasn't really shared with me, although I suspected it. He doesn't want anything to be wrong with either of us, and I do understand that now. He also has some other issues going on with family and himself outside of TTC, but again, he isn't one to talk about a lot of things - so when I hear small comments about the future or see him acting like things are better, that may not actually be the case. So he's going to try to be a little more clear about that. He apologized for being confusing and says he is very confused himself right now. We are in a much better place than we were on Saturday but I'm just still trying to process it all. I'm still just bitter that we even have to go through this and have this discussion, because *TW* he said he feels like all of this crap, even outside of TTC would just mean nothing if we hadn't had a loss and had a baby to look forward to. But because of that emotional trauma, everything just seems worse and impossible to overcome. It's just not fair *end TW*. 

I'm not sure if we could agree to talk about it every day for 10 minutes, but I think maybe once a week or something may work. Maybe I'll try that. I'm also pretty sure AF is on her way today and tomorrow which is obviously not helping me with my emotional state right now. One day at a time, I guess. 

adirat

@hartmich I'm glad you guys could have a conversation, but oh my god that blows. I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. It is already so hard and I can't imagine going through this without him being "all in." Maybe after a SA and your testing, he'll feel a little differently? FX for you guys...

sheknows6

@adirat I didn't recommend that book but I am so glad that you are enjoying it  

As for me, I am doing as well as I can but I'm feeling the frustration of being benched especially hard right now. I saw some EWCM this morning that hasn't looked this good since before my diagnosis, and that makes it really hard to not just say "screw it" and HIO. I'm really concerned about my health and I want to see more improvement faster, which is of course just ridiculous and my body will take it's sweet ass time, thank you very much. 

I can't really complain beyond that. Everything the H and I are doing is with an end goal in mind, and other than my petty inability to be patient, things are well. There's a great possibility that our nephew who we let move in with us will get a good job we set him up for an interview with on Wednesday, and we are very close to being out of debt. My H started a new job last week working with my dad, and he's incredibly happy, so that is a positive light for us right now and I love seeing him satisfied instead of sad when he comes home. 

I hope all of you ladies are well

@hartmich sending hugs your way, hopefully the SA will come back normal and he'll come around after some time. I can empathize with your H being concerned about something being wrong, my H was really upset when we found out I was sick. Men are a lot more sensitive than they let on sometimes. 

lund

@hartmich I'm so glad you guys had a discussion and that you're in a better place than Saturday. @adirat pretty much said it all perfectly - all of this is hard enough without your DH being confused. You're right, it isn't fair at all. My guess (and hope) is that after a couple months of NTNP he'll come around. In the mean time just be gentle with yourself and with him. There's no right or wrong way to get through this.

hartmich

@adirat Honestly I'm okay with that part of it. I am not mentally or emotionally ready for an IUI or anything like that yet, so the only thing different would be not temping or doing OPKs. And honestly, the earliest they'd be able to start any "treatment" is my March cycle, so that's already 5+ more weeks anyway. So in a perfect world, in March maybe I start some medications for PCOS and we try on our own for a few cycles, and then go from there. So I'm thankful our "timeline" isn't really interrupted. 

I also have a feeling that if his SA comes back normal, he'll be relieved and it will remove a lot of stress. I'm relatively sure it will be normal considering *TW* we got KU on our 3rd cycle (which I am pretty sure looking back that we didn't have great timing our first cycle, because I didn't temp back then... so really it was our 2nd cycle) *end TW* but obviously I can't be 100% sure of that. But considering that my testosterone came back high, all signs point to the issue being with me.

adirat

@sheknows6 Dang, I really thought it was you. Now I'll never be able to credit who recommended the book to me! Sorry again about being benched -- it's a nightmare and I'm so sorry you have to deal with it. Although it is definitely the right choice while you prioritize health, it BLOWS! Hugs.

@hartmich I get it. There are so many feelings involved in all of this and you have to go at your own pace. Who knows, maybe after five weeks of no baby he'll be singing a different tune.

jsnakehole

@sheknows6 I can definitely sympathize (empathize? I've always mixed the two up) with frustration over being benched. All the hugs and cute animal GIFs your way.

NYTino24

@adirat *TW* I would say his main issue is he thinks you can't have a healthy pregnancy immediately after a MC, so he doesn't want to try until next cycle. The doc said lining may be thinner and that is one reason why people MAY want to wait in addition to dating being more difficult. They don't want unnecessary anxiety added to TTCAL if someone thinks they should be farther along than they really are. Although my temps and OPKs are weird, I know my body well enough and if I'm ovulating (and on time / early), my body must think it's ready. He just disagrees and thinks I need a "nice and heavy" AF to be ready, which he wasn't clear (or necessarily right about). ~Cue discussion on why men shouldn't make decisions regarding women's bodies!!~ He doesn't really get it all and thinks I'm rushing it because I'm panicking... I'm just trying to be happy that I think I will O. As much as it sucks that there MAY be no chance or a small chance this cycle, I'm okay with that. */TW

adirat

NYTino24 said:

@adirat *TW* I would say his main issue is he thinks you can't have a healthy pregnancy immediately after a MC, so he doesn't want to try until next cycle. The doc said lining may be thinner and that is one reason why people MAY want to wait in addition to dating being more difficult. They don't want unnecessary anxiety added to TTCAL if someone thinks they should be farther along than they really are. Although my temps and OPKs are weird, I know my body well enough and if I'm ovulating (and on time / early), my body must think it's ready. He just disagrees and thinks I need a "nice and heavy" AF to be ready, which he wasn't clear (or necessarily right about). ~Cue discussion on why men shouldn't make decisions regarding women's bodies!!~ He doesn't really get it all and thinks I'm rushing it because I'm panicking... I'm just trying to be happy that I think I will O. As much as it sucks that there MAY be no chance or a small chance this cycle, I'm okay with that. */TW

PREACH

I'd be curious what he considers a "nice and heavy" AF? Never mind. Don't answer that  

Hugs. 

lund

@adirat didn't you have a lovely AF-related GIF that involved jam? Maybe that's what @NYTino24's DH is referring to. 

heatherdubrow

LuND said:

@adirat didn't you have a lovely AF-related GIF that involved jam? Maybe that's what @NYTino24's DH is referring to. 

Now I need to see it...

adirat

Like an idiot I didn't save it to my computer... let me see if I can find it again.

adirat

Found it and I also found another gross jelly-related gif. Hidden in the spoiler. View at your own risk.
[spoiler]





[/spoiler]

heatherdubrow

@adirat love it!

libgirl1981

@adirat, @LuND, @hartmich - Yes. Exactly. thank you for putting it so eloquently!

DH and I finally talked last night. He was hiding some issues at work from me and that plus TTC was just too much pressure. We've decided to take a step back to resolve those issues and move to TTC again this summer, once his work situation is resolved. 

Like @sheknows6, I have a petty inability to be patient (had to steal the phrase, it was too perfect!) and I'm chafing a bit at having to wait, but am trying to focus my energy on getting my body ready for TTC and tracking my cycle so hopefully we can be really tuned in when it is time to TTC. But I feel much better for having been able to talk it out. 

@hartmich, I hope your husband's SA goes well!
@adirat - thank you again for the quotes and I'm thinking of you! It's hard when you feel like your husband isn't supportive - mine has a bad habit of keeping things from me to protect me and I'd much rather have him let it out so we can deal with things together. 

NYTino24

@adirat He doesn't even know how long AF or my cycles are. He used to tell me I always got AF on the 17th of every month. *Sigh* Even if I had a light and short AF this cycle, I still wouldn't TTA next cycle because one cycle's lining has no bearing on the next.

PS totally saving this gif for future drivebys!

kaitlink33

@NYTino24 me and DH had a sort of similar conversation yesterday because he didn't want me driving the 2.5 hours to my appt into the city today because it was last minute and I had to work tonight so he tells me that this cycle won't work anyway because I didn't get my period on time so therefore I'm screwed this cycle....gee thanks honey. (Btw, my cycle ranges from 20 days to 41 so its not like I have a perfect cycle any other time anyway and he knows that?) I just had to walk away because I couldnt....

NYTino24

I didn't O. Way to get my hopes up, body. Add in a second cold, gloomy day of rain and being congested = ugh. I got Vitex, Vitamin D, Maca, and natural progesterone cream from my Amazon Prime order yesterday. Trying to focus on doing what I can to help my body do its job before getting a beta done in a few hours. It's being done at a lab instead of my doc's office, so let's hope we get results somewhat quickly.

hartmich

@nytino24 FX your levels are down today. Have they been dropping pretty fast? It's still "early" in your cycle so don't stress that your body faked you out, it could still get it's shit together and O sometime soon. FWIW, my doctor said there's absolutely no reason to wait to TTC after a miscarriage, unless you want to wait for emotional reasons. She said that if your lining was too thin, you likely wouldn't even implant anyway so basically, the body knows what it's doing. I know this probably won't change your mind or anything, but maybe if your H hears that explanation, he'll feel a little better? 

NYTino24

@hartmich I can't get in for BW until Saturday, but my OPK finally became negative last night. I told DH all about TTCAL and how it was a ~suggestion~ that people might want to wait a cycle or two, but he took it as gospel. He didn't want to listen to me, but he trusts the doctor that *TW* told me I probably wasn't going to have a MC and then told me she should have listened to me when I said measurements were off. Yes, DH, I do know my body better than a doctor who barely remembered me from Thursday to Monday. Somehow he wants to wait until after AF, but he was okay DTD 10 and 11 days after MC when she had said to consider waiting two weeks. I get that he wants to do what we can to ensure a healthy baby, but like you said it isn't a guarantee of a bad or good situation if we wait or don't. The worst thing is I can't tell if I'm having O pain on an off for days, pre AF cramps, some sort of cyst, etc. All I know is I feel stuff and would like to have a clue what it is since my temps are a mess. Honestly, my chart looks like a lot of the anovulatory ones on FF and that upsets me. */TW*

hartmich

@nytino24 ah that gif is just perfect for the TTCAL process. Cycles are so frustrating after a loss - I had a 9 day LP with mine, and I hadn't had that problem before and haven't had it since. Our bodies just like to add insult to injury I guess. I know this isn't easy but try not to stress about your O - it's more likely that it's late. Your CD 1 will just be off because of the HCG in your system. I read so many horror stories of HCG not dropping for weeks, so at least that's one thing your body is doing properly. Hugs while you get through this - it's not easy. 

MJDsquared

@NYTino24 I've been lurking the last three days and am finally allowed to post and I just wanted to offer condolences for what you're going through and FX you and your husband can come to an agreement on what's next.

NYTino24

Thank you @MJDSquared and @hartmich.

So apparently my meltdown yesterday was a hormone surge and probably O with .4 temp rise this morning. I cried when DH brought up doing taxes last night because I don't want to do anything but sleep since I've been so tired lately. Tears as usually a sign of progesterone for me. Going to the chiro and acupuncture tomorrow. Maybe I can relax now.