Monday BF 1-23

phoenix870509

It's Monday, let it out!

dmontgo

So...we have not traveled back to DH's hometown yet for everyone to meet Ash. DH wanted to stay home and stress-free during the holidays once we got Ash home from the NICU, which I was very supportive of because we had been through a lot before my PPD and such reared it's head. We made plans to visit in March during Spring Break. Everyone understood and it was cool.

Last week SIL calls to tell DH their last grandma, who is amazing, is dying---we have to come immediately because her dying wish is to meet her only great-grandchild. Of course we start freaking out because despite her age it was so sudden, but we didn't have the money to spend on plane tickets and DH wasn't sure what to do about school since his hometown is 12 hours away and a long drive. We were so upset.

Come to find out yesterday that my SIL LIED.

Why did she lie?

Because she didn't want to wait for us to come visit in March to meet Ashton. She told DH that she feels she has been "so supportive" but *I* haven't made any effort to reciprocate. To put things into perspective, SIL only started talking to me once I was pregnant (DH & I have been married 4 years)...and her "support" has only come in the form of asking me a zillion questions about what it's like to be pregnant, even when she found out about the birth trauma, PPD, and PTSD. 

DH ripped her a new one, reiterated the hell we went through to even have our baby, and told her that we do not need any bullshit from her--this is our child (she is obsessed with having a baby), and she better get over it, among other things. She cried but DH wasn't suffering fools.

Unfortunately, the elaborate nature of her lie and the motive behind it triggered fears I've been dealing with involving someone taking Ashton away from us. So that hasn't been pleasant. Her behavior is starting to imitate my MIL. What a fucked up thing to do.

BabyRobbinsAdventure

@dmontgo love tit to give creepy internet support. I would have been livid to find out she was lying about something like that... and for selfish reasons too. Seriously. What is wrong with people?!

temmetime

@dmontgo wow that is screwed up on some other level! I'm glad that your DH is so level headed and it sounds like you two have an extremely sound relationship and line of communication with each other. Thankfully you both are able to see through his own sisters BS and good for him on calling her out and ripping her a new one.
I'm so sorry it has now triggered your fears and brought on completely unnecessary anxiety.
Hugs to you

Christinaruth74

@dmontgo whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat. That is insane. I am so sorry you guys are dealing with that BS right now. Good for your H for standing up and saying something to her. She sounds insanely selfish and like it's a blessing there's distance between you. 

caffeinenut

@dmontgo  I can't believe she would lie about a dying grandmother.  How selfish and inconsiderate.  If someone did that to me my response would be that when we visited in March, she would not be allowed to see the baby as punishment.  Haha, but I can be a bit vindictive when people are trying to control or manipulate me.  I'm glad that your husband is so supportive of you and your plans and is willing to give his own sister what for.  I sometimes wish my FI did that, but he lets his family members walk all over him.  Luckily, we haven't had to deal with that with regards to the baby.  Just in other instances, like holidays and and some personal choices.  He just can't say no.  

My Monday BF is my FI.  I don't think he does enough to help me with the baby.  He cooks a lot, helps clean, does the food shopping, and I completely appreciate it.  But sometimes I would rather have a crappy sandwich for dinner if it means he feeds her a few times and changes a few diapers when he comes home from work.  He usually only does that stuff when I make him, or physically give her to him and tell him what to do.  He doesn't pick her up to hold her just because, either.  To get him to hold her I have to physically give her to him, again.  I don't think it's because he doesn't love her or want her or anything like that.  I think it's because he is so afraid of doing the wrong thing, or doing something the wrong way, that he just doesn't do it, and waits for me to do it.  He is always afraid of making a mistake in the important things in his life, such as work, and our relationship, that I think it is carried over to our baby.  How do I get him to be more involved and less afraid?  I've asked him to be more involved, and he was yesterday, but I'm not sure how long that will continue.  He'd rather stick his face in his tablet at night that change a diaper the wrong way or feed her the wrong way.  And that's another issue.  His tablet.  He never puts that thing down.  Every night, for three or four hours, it is tablet time, reading the news, while he also has the news on the TV.  What do I do?  I'm so tired, especially because of our baby's health issue.  It makes eating difficult for, her, so I have to feed her small amounts every hour or two.  I don't get to sleep during the day when she sleeps, because I have to constantly feed her.  It would be nice if he would do a few feedings when he's home from work so I can nap.  But he cooks a dinner, then does the dishes, then out comes the tablet.  I have to ask him to watch her so I can talk a half hour and shower.  How do I break him of his dependence on his tablet and fear of making a mistake with the baby?

dmontgo

Thanks ladies. Because I'm of German heritage she sent us a baby lederhosen outfit that we just got today. I guess that's what she means about "support"? In any case it's just a very odd, scary, and deceitful thing to do. Not to mention cruel. When we do go to visit, she won't watch him by herself. Feels too weird for me.

@caffeinenut Is it possible that he is afraid because of her health condition? He may feel that she is very fragile and is scared to hurt her. I remember you mentioned he was freaking out a lot more about her heart than you when you both found out---would not be surprised that his lack of help stems from that. Worth talking about!

sourlemon

Jan 23rd is a tough day for me. Lots of sad stuff has happened on this day in terms past including my grandma dying after falling and hitting her head, and my oldest kid being (wrongly) diagnosed in utero with Downs.  

princesslockness

They sent us home at 2 and called a snow day for tomorrow. Now we have to make up another day later on.

yellingbanana

@dmontgo damn. That is a new level of low. Glad your DH stuck up for you guys. I'm sorry you have to deal with crazy SIL. DH has a SIL that has basically cut off DH and his brother, she is isolating him from his own family while expecting him to do everything for her family. But he is such a pushover, he hasn't even come to meet his new nephew and we only live 45 min drive away. My sister lives 5 hours away and has been to visit twice, she has to drive over a major mountain pass too... in the winter. I guess some family is just awesome, and other members you want to punch in the face. Haha... 

@caffeinenut maybe you can tell your DH that you want to switch every other night for dinner duty. And that when you cook dinner he has to take care of LO. Then just throw something easy in the oven, and sit in the kitchen drinking wine also, maybe you just need to be more specific with how you want DH to help. Constantly. "Here take the baby, I need a break" "will you feed LO the second wake time at night?" "I just fed the baby, I need you to burp LO". You have to start him getting used to it now so that he is involved. Also, I told my DH that the news was depressing me so I didn't want to watch more than a little bit. True. 

@sourlemon hugs, my friends son was diagnosed with downs when she was pregnant, and they were wrong. He is totally normal. The worst part... the Ob was trying to convince her to terminate the pregnancy. Thank goodness she didn't. 

@Kate08Young I'm jealous of your snow, sorry you'll have to make up the days though  

yellingbanana

My bf is..... wait for it...... my cervix. Yup, again. I got my iud today and I had to insert dilation suppositories last night. Blah. And it still hurt like crazy to get it in. Now on to cramping and bleeding. 

penelope4612

I keep asking DH to not give the baby pumped milk for the first feed of the night bc a few pumped oz don't seem to hold him over when he's eating every 4 hours.  He eats more frequently towards the end of the night and I hate getting up for all the feedings.  But I am also having a hard time pumping enough milk for extra bottle feedings.  DH gave the baby my pumped milk (which was supposed to be for a a 5am feeding) at midnight.  It wasn't enough so now I'm up feeding the baby anyway and there's no milk for later.  I know his intention was to help but I'm so pissed.  We've discussed this more than once.

zubenescamali

@dmontgo what a crazy selfish bitch thing your SIL did. Does your DHs grandma know she did this?
@caffeinenut I don't think your man is going to respond to subtle hints and you will just build resentment if you force it. Have a heart to heart about defining expectations with him. There's been a massive change in your life and the status quo doesn't cut it anymore.  
@penelope4612 ah they try don't they? Men just don't understand. especially when it comes to pumping milk. DH has wasted several ounces over the years, by leaving it out or grabbing a whole 6 ounce bottle when LO is only ready for 2. At least it made it in his belly!

Im raging on my DH tonight. Baby had a real fussy evening and she was all swaddled up and ready for sleep when she woke up suddenly and started crying. It was earlish and an overtired cry so I asked DH to soothe her. All he does is walk her back and forth next to the bed so I can't sleep with her crying in my ear. Then tells me she's hungry. No she's not, she just ate. fine, I'll nurse her, again. She nurses about 2 minutes and then pulls off. By then DH is passed out in bed and I'm stuck up for the next hour and a half trying to rock her to sleep. Jerk. 

Christinaruth74

@sourlemon the misdiagnosis  of downs is way more common than I realized.. i think they've come a long way with the harmony testing, but the same thing happened to a friend of mine years ago. They really pushed for termination because they were so sure her son had downs. She was completely anti-terminating the pregnancy and, sure enough, he does not have downs. 
Sorry this day has some negative attachments to it... hope today is brighter❤

penelope4612

@zubenescamali - I have had the exact experience you describe.  Super frustrating to ask for help and then have someone not actually be helpful.  

I'm taking back my BF at DH for now bc he took the baby from 4-7 so I could sleep.

dmontgo

@zubenescamali I don't know if grandma knows, but dH called his dad to get more details about what was going on, and his dad was like, "Uh...she's not dying? Who told you that?" Very disturbing to me that she would lie about something that serious just to see my son. Kind of makes me wonder if she's willing to do that to see Ash, what else is she capable of? Probably paranoid on my part but freaks me out! 

Lisa3379

@dmontgo No. She's whacked out of her skull. I'd be freaked out too. 

caffeinenut

@dmontgo  Normally, I would agree, that my FI is afraid because of her heart condition.  However, he seems almost in denial that something is wrong with her.  He keeps asking if we really need to give her medicine because she seem fine.  That she doesn't have any symptoms.  I keep trying to tell him that her rapid breathing and grunting and rapid heartbeat ARE  symptoms, and that the medications will put less strain on her heart and lungs and give her more energy, but he just doesn't get it.  I think he is just afraid of babies in general.  He as very standoffish with his nephews and nieces when they were babies.  I think he's afraid of how fragile they are and doesn't want to hurt them or make a mistake that could hurt them.

caffeinenut

@yellingbanana @zubenescamali  I have tried telling him exactly what will help but it never seems to carry over from one day to the next.  If I need you to take care of the baby on evening 1 to take a shower, then I need you to do it on evening 2 and evening 3, etc., since I can only shower when you are home to watch the baby.  Nope, have to say something every evening.  I had a talk with him about the tablet 2 nights ago and he put it away and really helped.  Last night?  Tablet was out and I did most of the work with the baby.  I was so pissed I basically took the baby upstairs and stayed up there so I wouldn't scream at him and make the baby even more fussy than she already is at night.  Never got to eat dinner.  This morning we had a 9am cardiologist appointment.  I ended up sleeping later than I planned, and had to rush around to get everything done for me and the baby in an hour.  All he did?  Shower, walk the dog, and make his lunch.  Then he sat on the couch while I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off, feeding her, pumping, getting myself dressed, changing her diaper, getting her dressed, getting the diaper bag ready, changing her diaper again because the lasix makes her pee a lot, feeding again, then getting her into her carseat and out the door.  He didn't ask to help or anything, just sat watching the news.  Final result...forgot a blanket to cover her carseat, and never got to eat my breakfast, and made it to the appointment with only a minute or two to spare.  Do I really need to ask for help?  Shouldn't he ask "What can I do to help?" when he sees me running around like crazy?

PharmDMom

@caffeinenut Not trying to be rude but yes, yes he should ask what he can do to help!! This is his kid too. And he's a grown man who helped create the child. I don't care if he thinks babies are fragile or not, this is 2017 and men can and should help with caring for their own children, especially if they live in the same house with them! If you've had an honest (calm and non threatening) conversation about needing his help and what the responsibilities and expectations are in your parenting relationship, and he is still not doing his part, then maybe you could think about counseling or involving a neutral third party to help mediate another conversation? Would he read any kind of dad/parenting book on that tablet of his? It honestly sounds like he is being a
bit selfish and/or self absorbed. If you hadn't told him specifically what you need him to do I would say that maybe he is oblivious or just doesn't know. But you said you have communicated this repeatedly and he is still not taking much initiative. Time for a come to Jesus talk IMO.

Now I am a pretty blunt person so some people may think I'm sounding harsh, but I feel like so many relationships don't make clear communication a priority and then one or both parties suffer. If he is committed to you and your DD, then no matter what, he should be pitching in aside from just work, cooking and dishes. He doesn't have to do it all or always know everything she needs, but he should be making an effort to spend time with her and help you in her day to day activities. 

PharmDMom

One more thing... I'm not implying that you lay into him and order him to help you. I would start by explaining how it makes you feel when he ignores you and/or your DD. He likely isn't doing it intentionally but he needs to know how your perceive his behavior. Like "when I'm rushing around trying to do 18 things and you don't offer to help do something with DD, I feel really stressed" or "it feels like sometimes you don't want to spend time with DD..." and see what he says. Statements or questions that start with "I" and "It feels like" are less threatening. Just a thought. 

dmontgo

@caffeinenut Not saying this is the case, but something I have personally encountered in terms of illness and men: instead of facing their feelings, they will deny whatever is causing the distressing feelings and pretend it doesn't exist. In terms of finding out your child has a heart issue---that can be a lot to take in. People deal with grief differently, but a lot of the times denial is the first phase. That can take the form of seeming indifferent, staying so busy that self-care doesn't occur, or neglecting responsibilities...everyone is different. 100% not saying this is what is going on, but if you have asked for specific aspects of help and he isn't responding in a helpful manner...I think there is an underlying reason that has not been addressed (although that does not excuse his behavior). If you haven't tried specifics, maybe he just doesn't know what to do to help. Definitely agree with using "I" statements, as they don't place blame. Just my 2 cents.

caffeinenut

@dmontgo @PharmDMom  My FI and I had a good talk the other night and came to an arrangement.  Part of the problem was that I felt I also wasn't doing enough around the house, but feeding the baby takes up a lot of time, since she need very small very frequent feedings.  Anyway, I'm not going to start dinner anymore until my FI is home from work, and then we'll decide who cooks and who takes care of the baby.  Andy housework I don't get done we will split up on the weekends.  Also, something we figured out was that his snoring was keeping me up more than the baby at night.  It sucks, but the last 2 nights he slept on the couch and we both got better sleep, putting us is better, more helpful moods.  And the last 2 nights he has also taken the initiative to change her diaper in the evenings and even asked to feed her.  (I tend to make up the formula since she needs a special concentration for higher calories and I'm much more precise at measuring than he is.)  Things are getting better.  As for the snoring issue, my FI plans to lose some weight to see if that helps (we both need to lose some weight anyway), and if that doesn't he does say he will go see a doctor to test for sleep apnea.