Mental Health Monday 1/2

SpongeWorthy

This is a place for anyone needing to talk about mental health issues this week.

SpongeWorthy

I've been feeling down lately.  I think it's mostly related to the major exhaustion.  I just don't feel like myself at all.  I'm worried about my abilities to deal with a baby if I can barely keep myself functioning at this point.  I don't know how you mamas with kids already handle first tri - it blows my mind.

tuxielove93

@SpongeWorthy agree. This is my first, and we want a large family, but I have no idea how I'm going to handle 1.5-2 months of sickness and a child, or two or three. You STM+ amaze me. Also, I haven't felt like myself until today (12 weeks, 5 days). I've been struggling so much with food and tiredness and not being able to do anything, and now that I'm feeling better, my mood has improved pretty drastically. I hope the same comes for you. 

I actually have been feeling better personally. I struggle with anxiety and depression when I'm not pregnant, but now that I'm passed 12 weeks it's so much easier to relax and just not worry so much about whether the baby is ok or not. I have an ultrasound on Thursday, and I'm hoping that if everything is ok and baby is healthy that will be the last nail in the coffin for this anxiety about losing the baby. 

lph4248

Jumping on this one day late. As a FTM with general anxiety, I've been ruminating (and yes occasionally crying) about childbirth and how scared I am of the medical procedures associated with it. I know this is stuff I just have to deal with and get over by the time labor comes around (I want to give birth at a hospital), but I'm deep in the hole now.

@SpongeWorthy and @kerils This is my first as well. My nausea is a lot better now, but in the thick of it, there were MANY times I thought, "I don't think I can do this more than once." Imagining young kids added to the mix... yiiiikes. On the other hand, maybe kids would be a distraction and make the time go faster? I hope?

plumpous

@lph4248 I was anxious about childbirth but after going through it naturally, it really wasn't so scary. Obviously it's different for everyone but it can be really OK. 

I'm pretty down this week. DD was teething and just been miserable. Hearing her cry is killing me. 

However, the worst thing right now is I got news that my thyroid level is too low. I'm really scared. I have a full panel scheduled. I thought this time I would not be dealing with major concerns but I guess I was wrong. I think this pregnancy is gonna be a shit storm (pardon my language). 

Pricelessmommy3

this pregnancy was a huge shocker for us. We were on the fence for #4 for a long time but decided we were happy at 3. Obviously, we are excited to be adding another now-- but you know comedian who said "you know what it's like having a 4th child? Imagine you're drowning and someone hands you a baby"

thats how how I feel! I've been so overwhelmed with my 3, school, activities, church responsibilities, my oldest has ADD and mild sensory issues and it takes lots of effort daily for lots of things, we are living in a rental and having a home built and it won't be really til 2 weeks before baby comes at best case scenario and I'll be having a c section. It's just so stressful right now.  Timing def wasn't the best for us, but obviously with 3 I'm used to things not going as planned, that's life! I know often the big curve balls are the most fulfilling. 

I have never loved being pregnant, the new born phase is my absolute favorite. Life is just so busy I guess I hate feeling incapable of doing all the things my family already demands from me. 

Thankfully my nausea is starting to subside a bit so I know once I feel normal in that respect I'll be looking up a bit. Just needed to rant a little, 

Pricelessmommy3

@lph4248 i also struggle with anxiety and it's elevated when I'm stressed. I mostly get travel anxiety...but as I've had more kids it's actually gotten worse for me. I get very anxious about the big stuff, especially as I get further along. The few days coming up to my c sections I'm sorta a delicate mess LOL
My advice, take it one day at a time. As you get to the end you'll be SO ready to get that baby out and have your body back you'll be willing to go through whatever to be able to get there. I was terrified of the birthing process and needles and all that, but with my first I was a week overdue and I was so willing to go through any amount of pain to have that baby out.

do what you can to relax, deep breathing, maternity massages,  warm baths, and if it's really bad talk with your dr about all your questions and concerns - knowing answers to all your questions and that he/she's on your side might help you feel more at ease. 

Twinkiedoll

I had a total meltdown and cried my eyes out for two hours yesterday.  I'm really struggling with the isolation of living in Hawaii when all of my close friends are at least a 6-7 hour flight away and my family is 10-11 hours.  The idea of raising this baby without that support system is really freaking me out and making me depressed.

We have been here for two years and I've had a hard time making new friends.  I have a bunch of work friends but we don't really associate outside of work.  Hawaii, while the people are friendly, is a very insular community, and it's hard to "break in."  I'm an introvert to begin with so it's been really difficult for me, compounded with the fact that my job is pretty demanding.

MIL has been bugging me about the idea of a baby shower ("so you get lots of presents!" *gag*).  She already listed people she planned on inviting.  I told MIL that I didn't really want a shower, and she just looked really hurt and said, "even if we promise not to do the games?"  I don't want a baby shower so MIL can show off to her friends that barely know me just to get presents.  I'd rather not do it at all.  Yesterday, in the middle of the meltdown, I admitted out loud for the first time (to DH) that one of the reasons I don't want the baby shower is that I have no friends I could really invite. 

This just generally makes me feel pathetic and depressed.  I don't feel lonely 99% of the time, but when I get a chance to reconnect with my friends back in mainland USA, it really hits me that I don't have that kind of connection with anyone here.

Sorry this was a long babble. 

SpongeWorthy

@Twinkiedoll Oh man I'm so sorry you are feeling so stressed.  Living in Hawaii sounds like paradise, but like you said I'm sure it's tough being so far from friends and family.  FWIW, I am feeling unsure about a baby shower for the same reasons.  Most of my close friends are men, and the close girlfriends I did have in college now live spread out across the country.  My only sibling (sister) lives in another country, so I can't even count on her to come.  I didn't have a wedding shower or bachelorette party out of the same fears.  Without this wonderful online community, I'm sure I'd be going crazy.  You are not alone!

Pricelessmommy3

@Twinkiedoll I'm sorry you feel so isolated. Perhaps trying some maternity yoga classes or something like that will help you meet other moms in your same life stage.  Also, your MIL sounds like her intentions are bc she wants you to have the whole experience. She may realize you don't have your family and friends close by and wants to be able to do something special for you. Maybe as you get further along you will be open to the idea.  Grandma aged ladies love to buy baby clothes...it might be just as much joy in it for them as it is for you or your MIL.

Twinkiedoll

@SpongeWorthy Thank you for your kind words.  Yes, Hawaii is a beautiful place to live.  I definitely appreciate that I am lucky to live here.  But you nailed it, it's just hard to be so far from my friends and family.  These community boards have been a lifeline for me.

I didn't want to have a wedding shower either, but MIL forced one on me.  It was basically her and her friends.  DH and FIL had to come to fill the seat minimums.  It was so awkward!  MIL has said she wants to invite those same people for the bridal shower.  Sigh.

P.S. Your username made me laugh.  I miss Seinfeld!

supermom83

@Twinkiedoll I'm so sorry you're feeling so isolated. Making friends as an adult can be so hard. I am a generally a very outgoing and friendly/talkative person, and when I moved to a new city for a job, I remember feeling so isolated and lonely because making friends is HARD. I thought there must be something wrong with me, but after years I realized that most people have trouble making friends when they are transplants. Usually a community like a church helps, but since I'm not a religious person that option was not available for me. 

I completely understand why you'd feel hesitant to have a baby shower, but it sounds like your MIL really is just very excited for you and for this baby and wants to celebrate and make you (and her obviously) feel special during this exciting time. Maybe you can ask her to keep it small? I don't know how your relationship with her is, but maybe she'd listen to your requests and not make it the "Grandma show" baby shower you're fearing? Baby showers can be annoying for sure, but maybe if you helped plan it a little and direct her it could possibly be something you'd be interested in? 

julybaby17-2

Twinkiedoll said:

I had a total meltdown and cried my eyes out for two hours yesterday.  I'm really struggling with the isolation of living in Hawaii when all of my close friends are at least a 6-7 hour flight away and my family is 10-11 hours.  The idea of raising this baby without that support system is really freaking me out and making me depressed.

We have been here for two years and I've had a hard time making new friends.  I have a bunch of work friends but we don't really associate outside of work.  Hawaii, while the people are friendly, is a very insular community, and it's hard to "break in."  I'm an introvert to begin with so it's been really difficult for me, compounded with the fact that my job is pretty demanding.

MIL has been bugging me about the idea of a baby shower ("so you get lots of presents!" *gag*).  She already listed people she planned on inviting.  I told MIL that I didn't really want a shower, and she just looked really hurt and said, "even if we promise not to do the games?"  I don't want a baby shower so MIL can show off to her friends that barely know me just to get presents.  I'd rather not do it at all.  Yesterday, in the middle of the meltdown, I admitted out loud for the first time (to DH) that one of the reasons I don't want the baby shower is that I have no friends I could really invite. 

This just generally makes me feel pathetic and depressed.  I don't feel lonely 99% of the time, but when I get a chance to reconnect with my friends back in mainland USA, it really hits me that I don't have that kind of connection with anyone here.

Sorry this was a long babble. 

I'm sorry you're so stressed!! My husband recently got out of the military, so we've moved around a lot, and I know how hard it can be to start over. 

Last year, we moved to a completely new part of the country and have no family or friends around. I joined a running club and yoga studio, which really helped me meet friends with similar interests. I'm also considering joining a group for moms and moms-to-be. Have you ever looked on 
Meetup.com?

i also have mixed feelings about the shower. I'd most likely have to fly, which would make getting gifts back challenging. I also feel like just a thing to show off for my mom. I've had a few cousins have babies recently, and I think she's jealous of that. I want to remind her that I'm not a possession to brag about, but I also feel like a jerk. I'm lucky to have a supportive family, even if they get on my nerves. 

tuxielove93

@Twinkiedoll You're not alone in not having girlfriends (well you're just aren't close by). I haven't really had girl friends since high school. Lots of drama, long story, but it kind of scarred me from making close friends, I never made any in college, and I'm already pretty introverted, and my husband is even more of an introvert than I am. I didn't have bridesmaids at my wedding, didn't have a bachelorette party, and didn't have any friends to invite to the bridal shower. It bothered me for awhile, but I think I've just accepted that it's how I am now. Except for during big events, I don't really miss it much. I happen to be back around family for the time being, but DH and I plan to move across the country, and while I'm not there now, I'm actually worried about people being around TOO much with the new baby. I'm a really private person, and people tend to exhaust me, so I'm trying to put boundaries around them coming to see the baby, how often, and how soon after birth. It's not going well. They all think I'm crazy. 
Anyways, I kind of got off on a tangent, but just know you aren't the only one who doesn't have friends around. I'm hoping to go to some baby classes and join some Mommy groups and hopefully make a friend or two out of that. Mostly so my kid gets socialized more than for me personally. 

WeddingNotes13

@SpongeWorthy @kerils I used to wonder the same thing, but DS is such a huge motivation for me on the more difficult days. Being with him reminds me that this discomfort is temporary and will be worth it. DS is 14 mo. When I am sick he stands by me with his hand on my arm. A couple of times, he has started growing at the toilet while I was puking. Only a sweet baby could make such a fun memory out of those experiences. 

A separate question- Is it ok to post on these boards later in the week, or should I not? 

I have been struggling a little today. This was DS"s first day of daycare and I just returned to work full time after being part time since his birth. I am not sure if it is just all of that, pregnancy hormones, or what. I am so sad that day care gets more time with him during the day that what I do. I suddenly fee like I should homeschool in the future so that they will not be with other people more than me. IDK if I feel more sad, anxious, or guilty 

Twinkiedoll

Thank you, everyone for your support and tips.  I looked around and found a prenatal yoga class that fits my schedule and is not too far away  so I am going to start doing that this week.  I've never heard of meetup.com before so I will definitely look into that.  

All of your comments have made me feel better.  I wish the best for all of you, and hope you have the support you need as well. 

satsumasandlemons

@Twinkiedoll where are you in Hawaii? My parents live in Hawaii kai - we love visiting them but I can totally see how hard it is to break in there - seems like all the locals have known each other since birth! I can see a lot of prenatal yoga classes being a good start and also, look for a local moms group on fb - not only will you get a chance to connect with local moms over common interests but you'll be able to find used things to buy and get the scoop on babysitters, schools, etc. 

Twinkiedoll

@satsumasandlemons I'm on the windward side. And I totally agree that people know each other from birth or at least know of each other through "the aunties."  Haha. I love and hate that about this place! I really want my child to have that sense of family and community.  It's one of the reasons we moved here from New York. 

SpongeWorthy

WeddingNotes13 said:

@SpongeWorthy @kerils I used to wonder the same thing, but DS is such a huge motivation for me on the more difficult days. Being with him reminds me that this discomfort is temporary and will be worth it. DS is 14 mo. When I am sick he stands by me with his hand on my arm. A couple of times, he has started growing at the toilet while I was puking. Only a sweet baby could make such a fun memory out of those experiences. 

A separate question- Is it ok to post on these boards later in the week, or should I not? 

I have been struggling a little today. This was DS"s first day of daycare and I just returned to work full time after being part time since his birth. I am not sure if it is just all of that, pregnancy hormones, or what. I am so sad that day care gets more time with him during the day that what I do. I suddenly fee like I should homeschool in the future so that they will not be with other people more than me. IDK if I feel more sad, anxious, or guilty 

Thanks for the reply.  That's reassuring for the future   Personally, I think it's fine to post on these kinds of threads later in the week.  I think it's better than having separate threads pop up throughout the week.  I'll try to make sure I get this one started every Monday for those of us that may need it.  But if I'm not on the ball, feel free to start one!

Sorry about the tough transition to day care for your DS.  I think those feelings are totally valid and normal.  Hopefully as you settle in, you'll find that your DS gets more benefits out of day care and you enjoy being back to full time work.  And if not, then at least you know where you will be most comfortable in your career/home life balance.

theweevee

@twinkiedoll we told MIL no to the baby shower for similar reasons.  She turned our wedding into a complete circus.  Her friends out numbered our friends by more than 3 to 1, and then we didn't hear the end of "the expensive wedding she paid for" for years (we actually chipped in thousands because her guest list additions pushed it so over budget).  When she started talking baby shower, DH stood up for me and said no way.  She asked two or three times, but let it go when he stood strong.

satsumasandlemons

Twinkiedoll said:

@satsumasandlemons I'm on the windward side. And I totally agree that people know each other from birth or at least know of each other through "the aunties."  Haha. I love and hate that about this place! I really want my child to have that sense of family and community.  It's one of the reasons we moved here from New York. 

So, my parents live like, 5 min from Makapu'u trail (so like, we run to Sandy Beach or through Koko Crater when we visit) and we're at Kailua beach every day. If you're near there, when we have these babes, we're going to have to schedule a beach day. and if we're there before the babes arrive, take me to a prenatal yoga class. DEAL?? I'll be your mom-friend wing man.

ETA, as a bonus, apparently I get along with New Yorkers really well. 

Twinkiedoll

@satsumasandlemons Sounds like a plan!  

mj8215

Resurfacing this thread since I had a rough day mental health wise yesterday. Sorry this might get to be a bit of a "dear diary" post. 

Yesterday I had my 12wk ob appointment. My schedule changes each week; last week i was on a schedule where I'm taking care of patients in location A from 8-12 (in theory, although things can run late); then I'm expected to show up in location B (walking distance) at 2 for rest of day. So, I scheduled my appointment for 1pm (also walking distance to both locations), thinking that even if things run over a bit I should still get out in time before 1. I haven't told anyone at work yet except a few colleagues I had to switch procedure rotations with (was going to tell more people after this appointment). Anyway of course I got epically stuck due to unfortunate combo of difficult patients/ attending who takes very long time to discuss cases. Ended up being 10 minutes late with no time to grab food on the way. I know that's not much, but on way there I was basically sobbing over how this baby is not even born yet and I'm already a horrible mother who can't even show up to an ob appointment on time. Totally freaked out my husband who thankfully was able to make it; and my doctor had to spend first 15 minutes of appointment talking me down like a person in the middle of a nervous breakdown. I feel so stupid about this now but I genuinely felt inadequate for not being able to manage my time in a way that prioritizes the baby's needs. 
Not really sure where I'm going with this story except wondering if anyone else felt this way, especially in the setting of having a demanding job.

Twinkiedoll

@mj8215 I can definitely sympathize. No one at work knows yet. And I'm constantly being pulled into meetings or getting last minute requests.  people don't understand why I am not immediately responding or not staying as late as usual when I'm at doctor's appointments or just feeling tired.  I call my husband all the time threatening to quit.

i have no idea how I will make this work when the baby comes. I don't have people I can delegate my work to because there is a big seniority/experience gap between the other lawyers and myself.  

ETA: I am sending you internet hugs. The fact that you are already worried is a sign that you will be a great mother and your child is very lucky to have you. 

satsumasandlemons

@mj8215 a gf and fellow bmb mom is seriously one of those power women who is a lawyer, active in her community and local politics, volunteers, etc etc etc and she often has guilt issues when it comes to her children/husband because expectations etc - I don't think it's meaningful to relay everything she worked through but tl:dr version: working with her therapist enabled her to identify some potential sources for the anxiety and guilt and, in doing so, they were able to develop tools/coping mechanisms that help her put this guilt back into perspective and move on. 

mj8215

Thank you so much, @Twinkiedoll ... your job sounds really stressful too - I really hope your colleagues will be supportive once they know you're pregnant. 

@satsumasandlemons that sounds like good advice - I tend to be reluctant when it comes to therapy for me, even though I'm a big supporter of it for other people... but I will definitely consider it.

OperaSingerMommy

@Twinkiedoll We were at Schofield when DD was born and we lived there until she was about 7.5 months.  There's a Fit4Mom Stroller Strides group in Kaneohe (they have moms night out in the evenings if you work during the day), a La Leche League group that meets at the park by the Waikele outlets once a month and there's a great new moms group that meet at Greenworld Farms up on H2 on Tuesday mornings.  All of those groups welcome pregnant gals (and LLL can be a great resource even if you don't want to breastfeed).  Just FYI if you wanted to meet some other moms and moms-to-be in the area!  I know two of those are the other side of the island from you, but just in case you're ever over there I wanted to mention them.  I felt super isolated when DD was born being so far from family.  I think there are a lot of people in Hawaii going through the same struggles- you're not alone.