Throatpunch Monday...

PoeMasque

I started to post this in the checkin, but it felt way too throat-punchy to put on there....

we saw the RE today, after waiting two months just to get our consult. He said he won't get us into the January IVF group because I need to be on BC for at least three weeks and now it's too late. The next cycle won't be until MARCH.  He then went on to say how easy it is to get an appt and talk to someone whenever we need to. I am beyond angry. If they would have seen us even two weeks ago we could have been through a cycle in 3 months, but now it's going to take nearly half a year just to have a 50% chance of getting KU. 

Im also irritated by my SO who took two weeks to fill out his paperwork that they require before they will even give you an appointment. 

We also missed our chance to do clomid this month because they rescheduled our appointment from CD3 to CD6, so we can only do one medicated cycle while we wait. He said our odds of conceiving naturally at this point are 1%. 

Yay, now I get to watch even more friends get pg while we continue to just wait and do nothing. 

BenJay

@PoeMasque - I am so sorry. How frustrating! I don't blame you for being angry. This is throat punch worthy!

I don't know if this is your SO, but my DH is blissfully unaware of the sheer time/energy commitment it requires for me to be "trying". But I would have been on him about that paperwork. My DH failed to submit the paperwork to get me on his health insurance after we got married, so yeah. I get scary persistent.

funkykey

I can't figure out how to close the last throatpunch monday thread, otherwise I would, in favour of this one!

@PoeMasque, I am so sorry. That SUCKS. Eff, eff, eff. You can't do a February cycle? F*CK F*CK F*CK. UGH! That is worse than throatpunch, that is like devastation.

I hate the timing of all of this, I hate it so much. When they moved the appointment from CD3 to CD6 did you feel like you'd been kicked in the pants? When I ordered the Advanced Fertility Monitor online and it arrived on CD6 and I found out if I didn't program it by CD4 I couldn't use it that cycle, I cried. DH was like: "it's okay, honey!" and I was like: "ANOTHER MONTH?!" It is endless and awful and I hate, hate, hate feeling like 2-3 days is such a big deal when all these other people never ever have to think about timing and are always getting KU-ed. 

ps. I will never judge you for being irritated with your SO, especially for a failure to complete paperwork. As established, my DH and I fight like cats and dogs, and often I'm irritated with him for stuff that is way, way smaller than medical paperwork. Yesterday, I was irritated with him for adding frozen peas to mashed potatoes that he made. He wanted for the potatoes to have some "color", and I wanted just smooth, silky mashed potatoes. I was like: "What?! Who adds peas? I've never heard of this." He was like: "Well, I add peas. I made them, I can do what I want." ... I mean, I ate them, and they were good, but you see my point. 

PoeMasque

@BenJay the RE actually told us he and his wife went through IF and after he'd given us all the options he turned to my SO and said "you have to realize that SHE goes through this everyday, it's not just the day her period arrives, it's every, single day. So she may be ready to be done" 

i appreciated his insight and support, although I think it just went right over my SO's head. hahaha

@funkykey timing is the devil! I never thought I would live my life by "cycle day", but here I am, CD6 and WTO! 

hoffmanr7

@PoeMasque I am sorry, that really stinks.

BenJay

@PoeMasque - Can your RE tell my DH that!?!

I'm so glad you have some support there. I would love to have that RE on my team. So far, my infertility journey has been mostly solo. DH isn't there for follicle scans, multiple pharmacy trips (including late night for an HCG trigger), all the consults, calling nurses, the peeing on OPKs. He doesn't get it. You can't be blissfully unaware. 

*Hugs*

PoeMasque

@BenJay if only my SO had actually registered that part of the conversation! It made me wonder how many times couples have fought in front of the RE......hahaha

*TW - mc mentioned*

So after being all angry and wallowing in self pity yesterday, I found out today that two of my coworkers (there are only 12 of us total) have already been through IVF with my clinic. One had recurrent losses with no known cause and is to the point where there's nothing left to try and another one has a surrogate who is currently 12 wks pg (after MCing twins in a previous IVF cycle) with her LAST embryo post breast cancer treatment! 

So now i feel like such a whiny jerkface for even thinking my journey isnt fair. I should probably throat punch myself at this point! 

BenJay

@PoeMasque - Even though others have had a more difficult time TTC, doesn't make your sadness/grief/frustration/anger less valid. You get to vent. The more you talk about it, the more likely you get to understand it and take action. 

I feel like anyone that struggles with infertility is dealt an unfair hand. I just hope we can get you through it, whatever the future holds for you. 

funkykey

@PoeMasque- how devastating for those women!

I totally agree with @BenJay though, just because these women are having a terrible time, it doesn't mean that your journey is fair. I'm not one of those really nice types, either - if I thought you were complaining about something ridiculous (ie. "I'm so overwhelmed with my 3 healthy beautiful children!") - I definitely wouldn't be like: "you're feelings are valid", I'd be like: "Check yourself."

IF isn't fair to anyone, what you're going through sucks. 

That said, IF after cancer makes me so sad/frustrated. Like, haven't these people been through enough? I saw this last week and cried when I read it: 
https://www.nytimes.com/2016/12/15/world/europe/its-like-a-miracle-woman-gives-birth-using-ovary-frozen-since-childhood.html?_r=0

Not because I'm not happy for that woman, but because I thought about all the little girls who have had to have chemotherapy, and all their parents. How do you explain to a 9-year-old who still plays with dolls that when she grows up, she won't be able to have children of her own, because of this treatment? How awful! And how awful for your coworker with the recurrent losses too - so frustrating and demoralizing, and to have no explanation. Ugh. FX that this current surrogacy pregnancy works!

I guess if there is a silver lining to this, these other coworkers are probably super-annoyed with your aggressive FB posting ex-coworker too. Like, you are probably not the only one who thinks she is lame on FB.

PoeMasque

Thanks for the empathy @BenJay and @funkykey

i definitely let myself grieve, but I also think I needed to get out of my "things are not going as planned" spiral and put my big girl panties back on.

BenJay

@PoeMasque - I love Brene Brown. If you're looking for some great reading, Daring Greatly is so good. Her Ted talks are also wonderful. I always feel better after a bit of Brene talking truth.

PoeMasque

@BenJay I'm a mama/baby public health nurse with a psych degree, if I wasn't living and breathing Brene Brown I don't know if I would be allowed through the doors of my office! Haha. We routinely joke about having "damnit Steve!" moments  

BenJay

@PoeMasque - Awesome! I love her so much. 

And *TW* in case you were all feeling fuzzy holiday goodness - another FB pregnancy announcement. It's someone from high school who I would have never thought would a) be in a long term relationship and/or b) be happy about being a father. I don't know why I had those expectations. Maybe it's because ever since high school he has been living in weird permaculture hippie communes all around Central and South America. But still... Hmph.

PoeMasque

@BenJay ugh, so sorry. FB can be the worst!!