Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Waiting for the Inevitable

Had very very light spotting on Thursday (12/1) at 5 weeks (based on LMP) and called OB's office. Told not to worry unless I started cramping. Had a few tiny cramps overnight (like so tiny I wasn't sure if it wasn't just all in my head). Called OB's office Friday at this point just wanting to come in for a little bit of reassurance. Physical exam went well. Cervix was closed and no sign of ectopic. Did a full blood panel. HCG was 76 so low for 5 weeks but I knew that I ovulated CD 19-21ish so tried to rationalize it. Progesterone was also low so started progesterone supplements. Did follow up HCG on Sunday and it was 17. At this point waiting for nature to take its course. Have follow up HCG test tomorrow (12/6).

I just want it to be all over. I feel guilty not going to work, but I feel guilty going in and basically not being able to get anything done. I haven't had any more spotting or cramping so it feels like I'm pregnant and not pregnant at the same time. I feel like a horrible person because my mom wants to be so supportive but I just don't have the emotional energy to talk with her. She doesn't understand what we're going through. She's never had a miscarriage and she got KU the first month she and my dad tried for both me and my sister. Her idea of helping was telling me last night (while I was sobbing) that maybe there's a reason that people shouldn't find out that they're pregnant so early. Just thinking of spending the holidays with our families makes me want to hibernate for the winter. We had already planned how we were going to tell our siblings at Christmas. I know it's not my fault but it feels like it is. I hate feeling like my body failed at doing the thing it is supposed to do. 

OB has already told us that next time we get pregnant I'll need to find out as early as possible so I can start the progesterone so this hopefully doesn't happen again. I'm scared that I'll get overly obsessive about testing and drive myself and DH crazy. Or that I'll catch it too late and we'll have to go through this pain all over again.

I know that it could be worse but I want this to be done so we can move on somehow.
Me: 30   DH:32
Dating: 2/2007   Married: 4/2011  
TTC #1: 9/2016

BFP #1: 11/26/2016 - MC: 12/6/2016
BFP #2: 3/9/2017 - CP: 3/10/2017
08/2017: DH's SA = normal
08/2017: Low progesterone (4.6) all other BW normal
11/2017: HSG Clear; Pelvic Ultrasound Normal; and AMH, FSH, and Estradiol normal
12/2017: 1,000mg Metformin
12/2017: 50mg Clomid + TI = BFN
01/2018: 100mg Clomid + TI = BFN
01/2018: RE Consult
03/2018: 5mg Letrozole + 50 units Gonal-F + 500 μg Ovidrel + IUI = BFP #3: 4/1/2018 - CP: 4/4/2018
04/2018: 5mg Letrozole + Gonal-F + Ovidrel + IUI = BFP #4: 5/2/18
Pregnancy Ticker

Re: Waiting for the Inevitable

  • @KariAnn323 I'm so sorry you find yourself here.   If it helps even a little everything you are feeling is perfectly normal and in time it will pass and you will start to kind of feel normal again.  When I had my miscarriage last month I canceled all my plans and hid out for basically the entire month of November. Don't feel guilty about anything right now because you need to do what's best for you and what gives you the most peace right now.  

    I would be honest with your mom when she says something that hurts and just call her out on it.  In retrospect I wish I would have done that.  My mom said something along the lines of maybe your baby was going to be a serial killer... umm cool, thanks mom...  Morale of the story they mean well and are trying to help but just don't know what to say.   

    Sending you lots of positive thoughts and vibes as you go through this difficult process.  

    Me 36 DH 34 - Married May 2010
    DX: PCOS/Unexplained Infertility/MTHFR Mutation
    TTC since December 2014
    Fresh Transfer: Gonal, Menopur, Cetrotide. ~ Chemical Pregnancy :(  
    FET #1: 1st Beta- 3,792~ 2nd Beta- 4,227~ BFP ~ Miscarriage at 8 weeks :( 
    FET #2: 1st Beta 207~2nd Beta 235~ BFP~ Miscarriage at 6 weeks :(
    FET #3: 1st Beta 18~ 2nd Beta 44~BFP~ Miscarriage 5 weeks :(
    FET #4: 1st Beta 50~ 2nd Beta 97.7~ Miscarriage 6 weeks 5 days :(
    FET#5: 1st Beta 29~ 2nd Beta 109~ 3rd Beta 227~ 4th Beta 661~ Miscarriage 5 weeks 3 days 
    Miracle Natural BFP Estimated Due Date June 2019~ God is good 
    2 snow babies 

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    Me: 27 years old            DH: 27 years old
    Type 1 Diabetes since 2001, MTHFR hetero A1298T
    Dogs: Raider 4 yrs, Dex 4 yrs
    Married in July 2014
    TTC #1 since late Feb 2016
    BFP #1 3/29/16     MMC: 5/5/16
    BFP #2 7/6/16    SCH, D&C 8/4/16
    BFP #3 12/26/16     EDD: 9/6/17
    My Chart / My Diabetes/Pregnancy Blog
    My Type 1/TTC/Pregnancy Podcast: 
    Juicebox Podcast Episode 118
    1/12/16 6.7%
    5/25/16 6.0%
    11/2/16 6.1%
    3/22/16 5.8%
    4/27/17 5.4%
    6/13/17 5.3%
    "Sugar Fancy Tutu"
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