Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

When will it get easier?

I was 18 weeks pregnant just a few days ago. I had a healthy, perfect baby girl with a strong heartbeat growing inside of me. I'd started feeling her move just days earlier. And then I was having contractions. I was in the worst pain I have ever experienced. They kept checking on baby and she was fighting, they tried method after method to slow down or stop the contractions, but after 28 hours of labor, I felt my water break and then felt her crowning. I gave birth to my perfect, beautiful little girl. I've been in a fog since; an alternate reality it seems. I cry all the time, I can't sleep, I'm angry and sad and scared. DH was terrified of losing me and broke down over the loss of our baby girl, but he seems to be recovering now. Yesterday we signed the paperwork to have her cremated. It was unreal. We named her Evangeline Terra. I want out of this nightmare. I want a baby more than I want to breathe. I'm, 35 and we've been with the RE for over 2 years, this was our first pregnancy. I'm terrified of trying again, but can't imagine giving up either. I just want to know when I will stop feeling this way? When will it get easier?
*TW* Pregnancy/Loss Mentioned
Me: 37 /PCOS DH: 37/no issues TTC: 7/13
Started with RE 12/14; 3 failed rounds of clomid, started letrozole
IUI #1 & #2- BFN
IVF #1 - 9/15 Cancelled Day 9
IVF #2- started stims 10/24  ER- 11/15 6 eggs- 5 fertilized/ 1 frozen
FET #1 -1 embryo-12/9/15- BFN
IVF #3- started stims 1/22/16  ER- 2/8 33 eggs(!)- 21 mature, all 21 fertilized - 6 snowflakes!
FET #2- 2 embryos- April 4th-BFN
ERA-June 8- results show need 12 addt'l hours of PIO
FET #3-  2 embryos transferred August 14,2016  BFP! on 8/24! Beta #1-22  Beta #2-83 Beta #3-368 
Confirmed singleton-Heartbeat on 9/19-160bpm! EDD: May 1, 2017, It's a girl!!
Pre-term labor/loss-stillborn at 18w. 
FET #4- 1 embryo-Aug 12th-BFP on 8/23 Beta #1-112 Beta #2-298 Beta #3-1010
Confirmed Identicals!- Heartbeats seen on 9/8  Miscarriage on 9/18
FET #5- 1 embryo- 1/12/18-BFN
Lots of testing and finally determined I have elevated natural killer cells. Will begin prednisone and IVL treatment before next round.
IVF#4- April 2018 8 eggs, 7 fertilized/3 frozen
FET #6- 1 embryo- 6/11/18- BFP on 6/21 Beta #1-446, Beta #2-1841 
Confirmed singleton- 6/29/18 HB-157 EDD: February 22, 2019. It's a Boy!



BabyFruit Ticker 

Re: When will it get easier?

  • I'm so incredibly sorry to hear about your loss.  I can't even begin to imagine how you must be feeling and I wish I had words to make it all better.  It will get easier but unfortunately it just takes time.  I started to miscarry back on 11/5 at about 8 weeks and physically I'm fine but mentally I still struggle sometimes.  Something that has helped me enormously is getting off of Facebook because it was torture to me and just kept pulling me back into the sadness every time I saw someone announce or post a sonogram.  

    It doesn't feel like it now but eventually you will start to feel a little better.  You will be surprised by what brings you peace during this time and what sets you off and if I'm being honest both of these will be moving targets.  At one point someone told me to not give up and it made me rage out for some reason but then my BIL told me the same thing a few weeks later and it brought me a sense of comfort.  Sending you lots of positive thoughts and prayers for healing both physically and mentally.   You aren't alone and we are all here to listen and support you.   

    Me 36 DH 34 - Married May 2010
    DX: PCOS/Unexplained Infertility/MTHFR Mutation
    TTC since December 2014
    Fresh Transfer: Gonal, Menopur, Cetrotide. ~ Chemical Pregnancy :(  
    FET #1: 1st Beta- 3,792~ 2nd Beta- 4,227~ BFP ~ Miscarriage at 8 weeks :( 
    FET #2: 1st Beta 207~2nd Beta 235~ BFP~ Miscarriage at 6 weeks :(
    FET #3: 1st Beta 18~ 2nd Beta 44~BFP~ Miscarriage 5 weeks :(
    FET #4: 1st Beta 50~ 2nd Beta 97.7~ Miscarriage 6 weeks 5 days :(
    FET#5: 1st Beta 29~ 2nd Beta 109~ 3rd Beta 227~ 4th Beta 661~ Miscarriage 5 weeks 3 days 
    Miracle Natural BFP Estimated Due Date June 2019~ God is good 
    2 snow babies 






  • @Worldtravler0522 thank you so much, your words were what I needed today. I'm so sorry for your loss and hope that you continue to feel better. 
    *TW* Pregnancy/Loss Mentioned
    Me: 37 /PCOS DH: 37/no issues TTC: 7/13
    Started with RE 12/14; 3 failed rounds of clomid, started letrozole
    IUI #1 & #2- BFN
    IVF #1 - 9/15 Cancelled Day 9
    IVF #2- started stims 10/24  ER- 11/15 6 eggs- 5 fertilized/ 1 frozen
    FET #1 -1 embryo-12/9/15- BFN
    IVF #3- started stims 1/22/16  ER- 2/8 33 eggs(!)- 21 mature, all 21 fertilized - 6 snowflakes!
    FET #2- 2 embryos- April 4th-BFN
    ERA-June 8- results show need 12 addt'l hours of PIO
    FET #3-  2 embryos transferred August 14,2016  BFP! on 8/24! Beta #1-22  Beta #2-83 Beta #3-368 
    Confirmed singleton-Heartbeat on 9/19-160bpm! EDD: May 1, 2017, It's a girl!!
    Pre-term labor/loss-stillborn at 18w. 
    FET #4- 1 embryo-Aug 12th-BFP on 8/23 Beta #1-112 Beta #2-298 Beta #3-1010
    Confirmed Identicals!- Heartbeats seen on 9/8  Miscarriage on 9/18
    FET #5- 1 embryo- 1/12/18-BFN
    Lots of testing and finally determined I have elevated natural killer cells. Will begin prednisone and IVL treatment before next round.
    IVF#4- April 2018 8 eggs, 7 fertilized/3 frozen
    FET #6- 1 embryo- 6/11/18- BFP on 6/21 Beta #1-446, Beta #2-1841 
    Confirmed singleton- 6/29/18 HB-157 EDD: February 22, 2019. It's a Boy!



    BabyFruit Ticker 
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  • I'm happy my words helped you!  Please feel free to reach out, this process can feel incredibly lonely and isolating.  

    Me 36 DH 34 - Married May 2010
    DX: PCOS/Unexplained Infertility/MTHFR Mutation
    TTC since December 2014
    Fresh Transfer: Gonal, Menopur, Cetrotide. ~ Chemical Pregnancy :(  
    FET #1: 1st Beta- 3,792~ 2nd Beta- 4,227~ BFP ~ Miscarriage at 8 weeks :( 
    FET #2: 1st Beta 207~2nd Beta 235~ BFP~ Miscarriage at 6 weeks :(
    FET #3: 1st Beta 18~ 2nd Beta 44~BFP~ Miscarriage 5 weeks :(
    FET #4: 1st Beta 50~ 2nd Beta 97.7~ Miscarriage 6 weeks 5 days :(
    FET#5: 1st Beta 29~ 2nd Beta 109~ 3rd Beta 227~ 4th Beta 661~ Miscarriage 5 weeks 3 days 
    Miracle Natural BFP Estimated Due Date June 2019~ God is good 
    2 snow babies 






  • edited December 2016
    I am so sorry for your loss. I hope this group helps. It helped me not feel so alone and not judge myself as much. There are a lot of supportive ladies here 
  • I am so very sorry for your loss. Evangeline Terra is a beautiful name. Although my loss was earlier than yours and I don't know what it is like to go through L&D, I do relate to your description of feeling like you are in a fog or a nightmare, crying and cycling through sadness, fear, and anger. It's awful. If it helps, I can tell you that coping with the grief has gotten much easier (not easy, easier) in the 10 months since my loss. For me, I found that I started to find some peace after I actively tried to accept all of my feelings about the loss and made an active effort to be patient with myself as I grieved. There is a lot of understanding and support on this board and reading the stories of other women helped me with the isolation.  I think that everyone's path through the grief is different and I hope that you find what helps you. Thinking of you and wishing you and your husband the best. 
  • @halips I am so sorry for your loss.  I cannot imagine getting that far and losing a baby.  I just found out yesterday that I had a chemical pregnancy.  That was my first BFP, and while it isn't the same as carrying a baby for 18 weeks, this whole process is just emotionally draining.  I am a mess and feeling like I don't know how many times I can do this.  I am going to take a break for a couple of months.  @Worldtravler0522 you are right about Facebook.  It's evil.  I am 30 and so many of my friends are having babies.  I don't want to meet any of them...it's terrible.  I have to meet my new nephew (sister in law's baby) in a couple of weeks for the holidays, and I dread it.  I feel so awful saying that, but it's true.  I am thinking it will only get easier when we have that baby in our arms...
    Me: 33, DH: 40
    July 2016: IVF #1 (froze embryos)
    Aug. 2016: Hysteroscopy to remove a few polyps & Laparoscopy
    Oct. 2016: FET #1 BFN
    Nov. 2016: FET #2 BFP (ended in CP)
    March 2017: IVF #2 Fresh Transfer of 2 Blasts = BFP!!! (EDD: 11/27/17)
    Froze 5 Blasts
    DS born on 11/2/17!!!  
    Back to try for Baby #2 :)


  • I am looking for the same comforting and healing words.... when will it get easier? I had a miscarriage on 12/01. I was 9w4d pregnant, and even had my 8 week ultrasound and we heard the heartbeat and everything. I thought everything was fine until I started feeling crampy 11/30. It was more painful than the implantation cramping I felt at around week 5-6, but LESS painful than my regular period, so I thought it was totally normal. I called my OB on the 2nd day of cramping and was told to take Tylenol. I did that and felt better but started spotting that second day. Within a few minutes of spotting, I got up to take a phone call (the perinatal office to schedule my 12 week ultrasound, ironically) and that's when the heavy bleeding started. I called my OB to see if I could be seen but at 4pm they said the doc had gone home for the day. (so angry). I went to ER and they did an ultrasound and could not find a heartbeat. I went to the obgyn the next morning and opted to do D&C because my body was not getting rid of it on its own.... the fetus was still in tact. I did a D&C to just 'get it over with' and I couldn't stand the thought of WAITING to have my body expel it. I had cervical scar tissue from a cryofreezing I had done a decade ago, and my obgyn said I was not dilated at all, so I opted for D&C. I did not want to take a pill to induce cramping and pain, I'd rather be knocked out and let the doc take care of everything. I had the D&C on tuesday 12/6 and was told to take Methylergonovine to 'shrink my uterus back to normal shape'. It does cause cramping but I am also taking ibuprofen. The pill is only taken for 48 hours so I'll be done with it this afternoon. I just want to move on. I couldn't possibly sit in my house another day knowing there was still an in tact fetus in me, and the baby was not living. The hardest part about all this is that we did IVF and got pregnant on our first try. We also did 3 cycles of letrozole and had 2 failed IUIs. So it just hurts a little extra when I think back at EVERYTHING we went through physically, emotionally, and monetarily, just for a miscarriage to happen. I am extremely angry and beside myself, but I still have this tiny bit of hope in the bottom of my broken heart. I have to keep going. I have to stay positive. There's just nothing else for me to do but keep moving forward.
    Me: 35 DOR, low AMH = 0.694, and fibroids
    DH: 41 
    Married 10/25/2014 / TTC since 05/2015
    1st IUI 05/05/16 Letrozole 7.5 mg CD 3-11 + Ovidrel = BFN
    2nd cycle on Letrozole 7.5 mg CD 3-11 + TI = BFN
    3rd cycle on Letrozole but did our 2nd IUI on 07/01/16. 10 mg CD 3-11 + Ovidrel = BFN
    Onto IVF! Started Lupron on 09/24. Added Gonal F and hcg injections 09/26...... Trigger 10/07. EggRetrieval 10/09. Starting PIO, Estrace, and Medrol 10/10/16. Transferred 2 "strong/beautiful" embryos 10/14/16. Beta 10/28/16 = 998 mIU/mL = BFP with one baby, but miscarried at 9w5d.
    D&C on 12/06/17 and started taking BCPs 01/10/17 for the next IVF Cycle, which officially began stims on 02/18/17.
    Fast Forward: we got 4 fertilized embryos from that cycle. Transferred one fresh, but it did not stick, so we have 3 frozen embryos currently. Went in to the fertility clinic in July to talk about a FET of one of those three frozen embryos, but a new fibroid was discovered, and I was not cleared to do the transfer until I had fibroid removal surgery.
    08/11/17 had a mini-laparotomy / myomectomy to remove 6 fibroids, largest sized were the size of golf-balls! Once we were cleared to go about our normal lives (sex!) I got pregnant NATURALLY but it was a chemical pregnancy. The very next month we had another BFP and here we are now with a baby on the way! A TOTAL AND COMPLETE MIRACLE!
    Watch our YouTube Channel Vlog Here!

  • Thank you all so much for the positive words. They mean so much to me. I've finally been cleared to go back to work Monday. We picked up Evangeline's ashes last week. That may have been the worst part so far. DH and I are holding strong and looking for the positives in every day. 

    @elisam511 I'm so sorry for what you are
    going through. Anger has definitely been a huge part of the grieving process for me, but like you I'm not going to give up. We also did IVF. This was our 3rd transfer before it finally worked. I've searched for an explanation and obviously haven found one yet. I don't know that we ever will, but this post on Reddit has been the one thing that has made sense to me. It's long, but so so worth the read. I hope you're able to find some comfort in it, like I did. You're in my thoughts!! https://www.reddit.com/r/bestof/comments/5h3t5b/i_read_this_passage_several_times_a_year_my_best/?st=IWKQP4SK&sh=cbbe0a20
    *TW* Pregnancy/Loss Mentioned
    Me: 37 /PCOS DH: 37/no issues TTC: 7/13
    Started with RE 12/14; 3 failed rounds of clomid, started letrozole
    IUI #1 & #2- BFN
    IVF #1 - 9/15 Cancelled Day 9
    IVF #2- started stims 10/24  ER- 11/15 6 eggs- 5 fertilized/ 1 frozen
    FET #1 -1 embryo-12/9/15- BFN
    IVF #3- started stims 1/22/16  ER- 2/8 33 eggs(!)- 21 mature, all 21 fertilized - 6 snowflakes!
    FET #2- 2 embryos- April 4th-BFN
    ERA-June 8- results show need 12 addt'l hours of PIO
    FET #3-  2 embryos transferred August 14,2016  BFP! on 8/24! Beta #1-22  Beta #2-83 Beta #3-368 
    Confirmed singleton-Heartbeat on 9/19-160bpm! EDD: May 1, 2017, It's a girl!!
    Pre-term labor/loss-stillborn at 18w. 
    FET #4- 1 embryo-Aug 12th-BFP on 8/23 Beta #1-112 Beta #2-298 Beta #3-1010
    Confirmed Identicals!- Heartbeats seen on 9/8  Miscarriage on 9/18
    FET #5- 1 embryo- 1/12/18-BFN
    Lots of testing and finally determined I have elevated natural killer cells. Will begin prednisone and IVL treatment before next round.
    IVF#4- April 2018 8 eggs, 7 fertilized/3 frozen
    FET #6- 1 embryo- 6/11/18- BFP on 6/21 Beta #1-446, Beta #2-1841 
    Confirmed singleton- 6/29/18 HB-157 EDD: February 22, 2019. It's a Boy!



    BabyFruit Ticker 
  • I'm very sorry for your loss, I wish I had magic words that would heal your pain but sadly nothing anyone says can take away the incredibly painful feeling of losing your child. I've been where you are three times now and in all honesty the only thing that makes it easier is time. As time goes by you eventually feel better, you just learn to live through the pain and it becomes your new normal. Evangeline will always be your baby girl and you'll keep her in your heart forever. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself the time and space to heal, better days will come, I promise. Take care.
    I'm 29, husband is 30
    Together since 2006
    Married 01.17.15  <3

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers 

  • @florip It's sad because it's true, this is our new normal.  I feel like this experience has taught me not to take anything for granted. I know when I get my rainbow baby I will love them that much more because I know what it feels like to lose one. 
  • @justsuzie I tell my husband when we finally get a little baby of our own I won't be able to leave my house, ever.
    I'm 29, husband is 30
    Together since 2006
    Married 01.17.15  <3

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers 

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