**Possible TW** Would you tell him??

SaphireSweetie88

I hope this is okay. I apologize if it isn't but DH & I would love any advice / input you would be willing to give.

I have been writing letters to my biological father (who is in prison). It started as a way for me to try and gather some information about family health / medical history from his side. Since then they have turned into general conversation letters. He sends me a lot more than I send him. He will send me 3 letter before I write one to him and he also sends me cards for holidays, DH's birthday, my birthday, our anniversary, etc.

DH & I are at a crossroads about whether or not to tell him that we're pregnant. The main reason we're unsure about what to do is because of WHY he is in prison. He's in there for: 1st degree sexual assault of a child. This is his 2nd offense of the same crime. The 1st time was with his own nieces. This second time was with his friend / girlfriend's 10 year old daughter.

DH & I already decided that we will NOT let him see any kids we have because of the fact that he has been convicted twice of the same thing. I was sexually abused as a child and I would never want to put any child - especially mine - at risk for the same thing happening to them. DH & I have talked about this since before getting pregnant and we still don't know what to do.

Part of us doesn't want to tell him but part of us feels we should because we're in contact with my grandparents and other family members from my biological father's side and they will find out and they might tell him.

I know this is a personal decision that DH & I ultimately have to decide on but I was hoping to get some opinions from you wonderful ladies. Also, we would be telling him via writing a letter.

caribbeanmama-2

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you have to deal with such an unfortunate situation in your life.  I don't feel like I can vote on this (I feel too overwhelmed on your behalf!) but I'm wishing you lots of clarity and peace in your decision.

SaphireSweetie88

Thanks @caribbeanmama

LuLiLaEv

I voted no because I just feel like it would cause more problems to tell him and not let him see him/her. Easier just not bring it up IMO.

spk112

I voted no, at least for now. If you tell him, you can't "un-tell", you know? I would keep it to myself.

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this.

SaphireSweetie88

Thanks @LuLiLaEv and @spk112

mtownhespes

I honestly don't know how I'd act if it were me in the actual situation, but as an outsider looking in I don't think I could even have a relationship with him. All it would take was a cry in the background on the phone one day and he'd know. 

But like I said, I don't know if any of us REALLY know what we'd do. You and your husband just really need to take your time with the decision and play out every possible scenario. 

ThePecks

It's your choice and I don't blame you for wanting to protect your children from a known abuser.

oheliza44

Sending you positive vibes to guide you in making the decision that is right for you and your family. I can only imagine how difficult a decision this must be, and I hope it doesn't over-shadow the joy and excitement of your first trimester. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts!

Mrs.EmmaLouise

I wouldn't tell him right away. I would probably tell him later in the pregnancy, that way he hears it from you. You can inform him of your pregnancy and that when (if?) he gets out he will not be allowed to see your children, nor will you be sending photos. I think being upfront is best. I am sorry you are dealing with this, that is an unfortunate situation to be in- and there is no right/wrong way to handle it. Good luck with whatever you chose to do. 

mamadcb

@SaphireSweetie88 I echo others' sentiments about what a tough spot you are in and can certainly see your dilemma. I voted yes, simply because I think if you are going to have any relationship with him (and it seems that you do, or that at least the chances of that are increasing lately) that honesty is the best foundation. That includes being honest about your commitment to him not seeing your child, of course. I definitely agree that later in the pregnancy makes more sense, or even after the birth, but I do think it would be odd if someday you decided to tell him (or he found out) and the kid was 10 or something. I am imagining myself in your shoes, writing letters to your dad that never mention this life-changing new family member. 

Just my two cents. I hope whatever you and your husband decide you both feel confident about it. I'm so sorry this is even a decision you have to make!

GeorgiaWife6912

@SaphireSweetie88 so many hugs to you for even having to THINK about this.  I am so sorry you are in this situation.  I share the same sentiment as others.  Take your time making this decision.  As you said, only you and YH can make the right decision for your family.  There is no rush in telling him, if that's what you decide to do.  If he finds out from his parents, then let him know that due to circumstance, you were waiting until the right time.  If you do decide to tell him, I agree with PPs that you be extremely clear that he will not see your children under ANY circumstance and that it isn't up for debate. There's a difference in having a relationship with someone and having a parent/grandparent relationship with someone.  

chiquita928

@SaphireSweetie88 What an awful way to mess with the joy of this exciting time!  I feel like you have every right to keep your family life 100% private, and he has not earned the trust required to make you feel you need to divulge ANY of your private life to him.  If he finds out through a third party, then there are two factors that you should consider: 1) WHY would someone tell him that given his history? and 2) He should understand why he is not privy to such information.  That being said, if you feel that you would like to share your joy with him, that is YOUR right.  Do not share with him over any sense of fairness or obligation - he has not earned that honor.  You do what YOU want to do.

satsumasandlemons

i like what another poster mentioned above about being upfront and not allowing contact with your child; I'll take it one step further and say it would be absolutely reasonable to insist you are the only person he can maintain a relationship with - no contact with dh or your children. They are off the table. 

Also,even if other family members mention your pg or family situation, you yourself never have to confirm or deny that for him - you can just always keep that an off-limit topic. 

Im sorry you have to go through this. Xoxo

SaphireSweetie88

Thanks ladies for all of your input. I really appreciate it. As sucky of a situation this is, we're not letting it overshadow our joy and excitement. 

flipflopped

@SaphireSweetie88 I voted no because his choices....multiple choices. as a criminal....not just one mistake....he has to face the consequences of his choices. you don't know what will trigger him or be fodder for his fantasies. his feelings may get hurt, but protecting a child is worth so much more.

splashmountain

@SaphireSweetie88 I'm sorry you're even in this position. I pray you and your H are able to find a solution to this difficult decision.

SaphireSweetie88

Thanks @flipflopped  @pumpkin0913

Manda95816

@SaphireSweetie88 Do you mind saying how long he might be in prison for?  Do you anticipate having any social interaction with him when he gets out (holidays for example)?  If he lives far away (and is likely to stay far away until the baby's grown up), it might not hurt to tell him.  You have a tough decision to make, for sure.  If it was me, I have to say I'd probably not only not tell him anything about the pregnancy (and tell everyone else not to say anything), but I'd slowly break off contact with him.  Wouldn't want him to have any excuse to "drop by for a visit".  You can always delay your decision until after the baby's born - you might feel differently at that time.  Best of luck.

SaphireSweetie88

@Manda95816

Manda95816 said:

@SaphireSweetie88 Do you mind saying how long he might be in prison for? The earliest he will be able to get out is 09/10/2022 Do you anticipate having any social interaction with him when he gets out (holidays for example)? No plans. He has asked a couple times for my husband and I to come see him but so far we haven't. If he lives far away (and is likely to stay far away until the baby's grown up), it might not hurt to tell him. The prison he's in, is in the same state we live in. You have a tough decision to make, for sure.  If it was me, I have to say I'd probably not only not tell him anything about the pregnancy (and tell everyone else not to say anything), but I'd slowly break off contact with him.  Wouldn't want him to have any excuse to "drop by for a visit".  You can always delay your decision until after the baby's born - you might feel differently at that time.  Best of luck.

thatcma

I am so sorry you are in this situation, and how hard it must be to come to a decision of what to do. I would say tell him but make it clear he will not be involved with the child. Maybe wait a little farther along in your pregnancy too, unless it's causing too much stress to wait.

Either way you do what will be best for you.

WorkinWeezel

caribbeanmama said:

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you have to deal with such an unfortunate situation in your life.  I don't feel like I can vote on this (I feel too overwhelmed on your behalf!) but I'm wishing you lots of clarity and peace in your decision.

This exactly.  I cannot imagine being in this position.  I'm sorry you are faced with this decision; but even more sorry for all that you've been through.  Best of luck to you and DH with your decision, and I think it's very strong of you to maintain a relationship with him.

SaphireSweetie88

Thanks @osucma and @WorkinWeezel