Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

How do I know it's not my fault?

I had a d&c Friday for a mmc; I was 9wks and the baby had passed at 8wks. First, I thought I was handling things pretty well considering. But a few days after the d&c, I can't help but look back on all the things I could have done wrong to lead me to this point. It's just how my obsessive mind works (probably also a drop in hormones and being in the bargaining stage of grief). I know, rationally, that more than likely there was a chromosomal abnormality. But around the time the baby would have passed, I cleaned my bathroom with lots of cleaning products, including bleach, and forgot to open a window. My Halloween costume also had been spray painted, and still smelled a bit when I wore it the following day. I didn't think anything of it at the time. I know it would probably take much more than that to cause a miscarriage, but it just links up so perfectly in timing that I am having a hard time thinking it's just a coincidence. Now I wish I hadn't done ANYTHING remotely considered unsafe so that I wouldn't be here questioning my judgement after the fact.

Re: How do I know it's not my fault?

  • I think it's totally normal and natural to think you did something to cause this. My OB and RE said immediately and frequently that there's nothing I did to cause it and nothing I could have done to stop it. How quickly and often they said that, even when I didn't say or do anything to lead them to believe I was thinking that, makes me think pretty much everyone finds a way to blame herself. And it may not be possible to have avoided everything that may possibly be unsafe; you probably could have come up with something after the fact. I think we all wrack or brains trying to figure out what could we have done. I went on a roller coaster and ate a turkey sandwich 2 days before I knew I was pregnant, and went on waterslides a few days before that. I've been avoiding alcohol and certain medicines almost totally in the nearly 2 years I've been ttc just in case, but really, you can't do everything. And frankly, pretty much all babies survive much more than cleaning products and spray paint. If this baby was going to make it, he/she would have regardless of what you wore on Halloween.
  • It is hard to not blame yourself and look for a cause.  I agree with @everythingsbetteroutside  she stated it wonderfully. And re also said it was nothing I had done. Mcs suck :(
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  • I agree with @EverythingsBetterOutside.  And I questioned why I had my ectopic for weeks because I also convinced myself that the drs misdiagnosed me.  Then I realized I was just looking for someone else to blame rather than myself.  I think it is easier to cope if we can place blame.  I hope you can heal with time, both mentally and physically.  
  • It's very normal to blame yourself because we want to feel like in some way we could have controlled the situation but unfortunately we can't and it's nothing you did that caused it to happen. Try not to be hard on yourself because you truly didn't do anything wrong.  I know it's easier said than done and I still struggle myself but deep down I know it was completely out of my control.  

    Me 36 DH 34 - Married May 2010
    DX: PCOS/Unexplained Infertility/MTHFR Mutation
    TTC since December 2014
    Fresh Transfer: Gonal, Menopur, Cetrotide. ~ Chemical Pregnancy :(  
    FET #1: 1st Beta- 3,792~ 2nd Beta- 4,227~ BFP ~ Miscarriage at 8 weeks :( 
    FET #2: 1st Beta 207~2nd Beta 235~ BFP~ Miscarriage at 6 weeks :(
    FET #3: 1st Beta 18~ 2nd Beta 44~BFP~ Miscarriage 5 weeks :(
    FET #4: 1st Beta 50~ 2nd Beta 97.7~ Miscarriage 6 weeks 5 days :(
    FET#5: 1st Beta 29~ 2nd Beta 109~ 3rd Beta 227~ 4th Beta 661~ Miscarriage 5 weeks 3 days 
    Miracle Natural BFP Estimated Due Date June 2019~ God is good 
    2 snow babies 

  • Thanks, ladies. Your support is much appreciated. Deep down I think I know that it was out of my control and that my erratic thoughts are due to the grieving process. Sometimes those thoughts bubble up though without warning. Today I have felt more sane, so I count that as a blessing. :) But it is just so strange what things cross your mind when you are in such an emotional state. Like, last night I wondered what if my OB was wrong and the baby really did have a heartbeat? I know that's impossible....I saw the us and I teach anatomy students in how to read us, for God's sake. @justsuzie-It's good to know that others have felt similarly.

    I guess our minds are trying to make it easier on us by pointing to one single causal factor or event that could have been controlled. But it's just not that simple, and that's difficult to accept. We all eventually get there (acceptance). Best of luck to you all!
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