[ OLD THREAD] Why My Family is Driving Me Crazy 10.25

dmontgo

What's your family doing this week to make you wish you lived in a galaxy far, far away?

Bonus: If you're a FTM, what are 3 things you think you'll be kick-ass at once baby gets here? If you're a STM+ what are 3 things you know you're kick-ass at when it comes to being a Mama?

dmontgo

Not much to complain about in terms of family so far this week, mostly because I am ignoring them.

Bonus:
1. I think I'll be a funny mom that can cheer up my kiddo when he's having a bad day. Well, at least I'll think I'm funny.

2. I hope to be the kind of mom that Ashton feels comfortable talking to about things that bother him.

3. I think I will be the mom that will make accomplishments, birthdays, holidays, or even some regular days feel extra special for Ash. I really enjoy going all out for the ones I love and care for.

l9i

Mine is super minor.  DH just informed me that his mom texted him and said she bought candy and is coming over to help pass out candy for trick-or-treat on Thursday.  This is the first time we've been in an area that's big for trick-or-treat.  Our neighbors told us to expect at least 100.  Our last house we got maybe 5.  I LOVE handing out candy and seeing all the kids costumes.  I actually was going to have some friends over Thursday but forgot it was Trick-or-Treat so I cancelled specifically so DH and I could sit on the porch and see all the cute little kids.  I was really excited for this.  But now, she's invited herself over.  1. I can't stand when people either make plans for me without asking or encroach on plans I already have.  2. I do like MIL a lot but I need space.  Every time I see her all she talks about is the baby.  I NEED to talk about other things.  I was just with her all weekend and I need a mental break from discussing baby things with her over and over.  So yeah, now I'm really salty and may find somewhere else to be and not hand out candy 

Bonus:
1. My child knowing I'm always there for them and I always have their back.  Whether it's being their biggest fan during the good times, their strongest advocate during the tough times, or just a listening ear or advice giver.
2. I think I'll be good at still maintaining a level of sanity and schedule in life.  I've known far too many parents that let the kids run the show and their life is constant chaos.  Yes, I know life won't always be as scheduled (especially with a newborn), but for everyone's sake, I will try to maintain a sense or normalcy in the day-to-day.
3. Most importantly, my child will be loved and they will know that.

dmontgo

@l9i I hate when people invite themselves to things when there is no formal invitation...or TELL you that they are coming. I'd ask DH to handle that. Say that you are having some couple time watching scary movies and passing out candy. Sorry--that is frustrating!

Amecsey

@l9i
Or pull the pregnancy card. What is it good for if not in times like this? Tell her you don't think you are going to be up to it, and would like to see her another day.

Blockfour

Today it's my MIL.  My sisters are planning a shower for next month.  I have been kept completely out of the planning process.  Well, today my sister sends me a picture of the invitation.  It's Harry Potter themed and super cute!  I am a huge Potter fan.   Problem is, Grandma-in-Law is in the "Harry Potter is the devil camp" and is slightly crazy.  She wouldn't understand or forgive this at all.  I thought they had already been sent out so I contacted MIL to give her a heads up that this would be an issue with her mother.  Turns out my sister hadn't sent them yet, she was just about to.  I got Grandma's invite pulled so she won't be getting one.  Crises averted or so you'd think.  MIL has been texting me all day asking questions about the shower, asking how long I've known about the theme, and complaining about how it's causing problems... It only causes problems with her mom but I'm pretty sure everyone else can roll with it.  *sigh*  I finally texted her and asked her to please stop and let me enjoy my party.  I can't really ask my sisters to change the theme this late in the game.  That, and I like the idea.

maamawaabangi

@Blockfour
Im glad I'm not the only HP fav who's family (in part) thinks it's the devil! It just made me laugh. I hope you share some photos of your shower! What a fun theme! 

Blockfour

@maamawaabangi
I will for sure!  I just hope MIL isn't a party pooper.  Her mom definitely would have been, lol.

maamawaabangi

I do too for your sake. Life's to short to make mountains out of molehills! Either way I hope you can enjoy your day. Hugs! 

jandd2014

This is relatively minor, but has been getting to me more and more lately. My in-laws stop by our house all the time (at least once a week) without calling first. They live a few miles outside of town, so it's not because they were in the neighborhood. They just don't call/text first. Mostly MIL, but FIL has done it a few times too. The kicker for me, is that my parents live three blocks from us and always call/text before they just stop by. DH says that's just the way they are. I might have to make a bigger deal out of this after Baby is here. 

ETA: 3 things
1) I hope to be fun, like my mom was (dancing around and singing while cooking and cleaning, making fun things for us- like a play house in the backyard)
2) I hope to be involved in the activities in my daughter's life (go to her sports or other activities, her school functions)
3) I hope we can always communicate even we disagree

l9i

@jandd2014 your situation sounds very similar to mine.  My parents are a mile or so away and DH's parents are on the other side of town a good 15-20 minutes.  Fortunately, no one stops by without asking but we do get plenty of calls from both sides saying "Are you home? On I'm my way now." or they just invite themselves over (see rant above).  I would either ask them (or have DH) to call or text first.  You can certainly set it up saying that once that baby is here you'd like more notice that way if you're feeding, etc they can hold off.

AbriannaO

My mom...throughout the entire pregnancy she has been pushing her thoughts and opinions regarding how I should do the L&D for the baby. She chose to use midwives (or do it on her own) and has made her opinion well known when I chose and OB over a midwife. She also likes to make comments whenever I say that I do not have an opinion regarding medicated birth because I have never been in that position and do not want to feel like I've failed because I request drugs saying I don't want them, I would rather go in with an open mind. Well last night I get a text from her telling me that vaginal births help the baby get good bacteria while c-sections give staph bacteria. When I respond that my goal is and always has been to go for a vaginal birth, she responds with "good, but if you need a C-section, make sure you find out how to protect the baby ASAP." She makes those kinds of comments regularly indicating that medical professionals do not know what they're doing. My response is always "the medical professionals are there to keep me and the baby safe. We will all work together for that goal." She doesn't act like people that went through years and years of school are qualified to birth babies as much as mid-wives are, or that since I am not doing research on all possible outcomes for what could happen and trusting that the doctors will direct me on the best path for a successful birth and healthy baby that I do not care about mine or the baby's health. Oh - and now she is on a "save the placenta" kick, so I keep getting articles from her about how it can be turned into capsules to take, or you can eat it, or you can plant it and grow a tree...please stop!!!

slartybartfast

@AbriannaO - save your placenta.
Drop it on her doorstep. MUAH HAHA

AbriannaO

@slartybartfast, she actually offered to take it and store it in her man-friend's freezer until we buy a house so that she can plant it and grow a tree with it...I said "I am okay with the medical professionals disposing of it." 

But if anyone is wanting a detailed blog on how to fry it up into steak, let me know, I can forward it to you...

dmontgo

Ew that sounds like some Hannibal Lecter shit right there...

slartybartfast

Toller

@AbriannaO our Doula has horror stories of people who bury their placenta,  so maybe you should let her take it (and bury it at her house)..... apparently when animals (neighborhood dogs in particular) dig them up- it can look similar to a murder scene

Amecsey

@slartybartfast
LOL! Drop it on her doorstep for sure!

I get that people are trying to get back to nature, but if I'm not going to eat my own boogers, I'm sure as hell not going to eat a bloody mass of tissue that was in my uterus for nine months. Disgusting! I'm glad I'm not the only person not grabbing onto this trend!

jandd2014

@l9i that's exactly what I was thinking of doing! They showed up the other night during dinner, and DH had to scramble to put pants on (he is almost always in his boxers and a T-shirt around the house... ADHD/sensory issues). I think its starting to get to him too. 

ajstevenson

I know this is petty but I'm still frustrated by it. Since I was 10 weeks pregnant my in laws have said they want to buy a nice piece of furniture for the baby's room. first it was the crib but then my sister and BIL got it for us instead, which was a total surprise. then MIL said okay, no big deal, we'll get the rocker and changing table topper. about a week after that she goes, we'll I didn't like the chair you picked out, so I'm going to pick one out for you. that stung a little but I figured it was very generous of them to do it at all so I just went along with it. about a month ago I go found a chair I loved at BRU and it was only $139! I told her about it right away because it was on sale, and she said they'd go get it that weekend. all this time we've thought it had been ordered and we were just waiting for it to come in, but she told SO tonight that they can't afford it right now because the shipping is 100 additional. I'm frustrated for a few reasons. 1) we've been planning this for a good 20 weeks now. 2) the new glider and ottoman combo I picked out was over 200 less than the original one I picked out. 3) I've seen the boxes, it will fit in their vehicle easily. 4) they bought a ton of unnecessary things already that SHE had me return and keep the money for other baby expenses. And last week she went out and bought all new drapery and hardware after I told her multiple times that we were already set.

I don't want to seem ungrateful but she has just so poorly planned this and I feel very disappointed. Sort of doubly burns because they were supposed to come over this past weekend to finish painting and clean the carpet (they got white paint all over the floor) and bailed. I ended up doing all the work myself.

aevan011

@ajstevenson I don't think that's petty. They say they'll do something and then don't/change their minds....that's super frustrating, especially this late in the game. WHY is it hard for everyone to understand that we have enough to worry about without having to plan around their actions, too?!

My gripe is along the same lines. IL's insisted on a "virtual shower" this weekend. Said they'd send decor and have everyone send gifts by a certain date, then we'd awkwardly skype with the family while opening gifts. It's been planned for probably two months at this point and nothing has been said to relatives, we've received nothing in the mail. Part of me is kind of glad it's looking like it will fall through, but another part of me is super frustrated because it was made into a big deal and I've been waiting to purchase off the registry the rest of what we'd like to have. I know they mean well and am genuinely thankful they care...but can I get some follow-through?! That's not even mentioning the friends who said they are throwing me a shower....3 weeks from my due date. 

Bonus: 
1. I think I'll be good at nurturing, but not be a helicopter parent.
2. I'm pretty sure I'll be good at b-day parties and other events, since I love a good crafty challenge.
3. I hope I'm good at being open with my kids, and making them feel comfortable with being themselves. I never want them to tiptoe around me and worry that I may not accept something about them. I hope I'm good at being the mom who they can approach about anything without FEAR.

l9i

So after MIL stopping by during trick-or-treat tonight changed to her staying the whole time and then changed again to her bringing dinner over right after work and being there all evening, DH and I had a heart to heart about my feelings and why I really needed a break from her (and probably more people in general) at the moment.  He talked to his is mom and explained that I've had a rough week dealing with people at work, didn't want to talk about the baby, and was looking forward to some alone time passing out candy to adorable little kids.  She understood and DH said we'd stop by to see them this weekend.  So now I'm happy for a stress-free and fun evening

Amecsey

@l9i
I'm glad you are going to get to relax with DH alone that night, but just make sure if she keeps inviting herself over that you eventually address that issue too. I know, easier said than done.

With my MIL, she will text one of us saying she's going to drop something off or pick something up, and literally she will already be on the road to our house and there before we can respond and tell her no. It drives me crazy. What is it about in-laws where they think they have the right? My parents never do that!

AbriannaO

@Amecsey we don't live in the same town as any of our parents, so luckily it would be a 2 hour drive for anyone to just drop by. BUT, even if they tried, I am glad my DH would be the type to even shut the door on his parent's face to say that we are busy (if he answered the door). All of our parents know that we are not "let's just drop by and see them" kind of people. I dare any of them to try though, it won't end pretty! ha

Amecsey

Don't get me wrong, I love socializing, but as weird as this sounds, I have to prepare for socializing. I can't get a call or text 5 minutes, 10 minutes, or even an hour before, that plans are going to change and people are going to come over, or we're going to have to go somewhere. I have to mentally prepare for socializing, which includes his MIL, because I do not consider her a relaxing person, and definitely feel like I need to be mentally prepared to deal with her.

But on the flip side of that, I have a hard time saying no to people. MIL will text DH about something and he will say no, then she'll text me, and i say yes, not knowing that she has already talked to him. And it's not because I want to say yes, but because I feel obligated to. And then I stress out about whatever it is I've just agreed to. It's not a good pattern, and I am working on saying no more.

It's going to be really challenging now that we are relying on her to watch the boys for half a day during the week. I have to have a talk with her, and make sure she isn't expecting anything in return, and if she is, that it is realistic. I am also trying to figure out a way to not have her need a house key during this time too. Ugh, I wish people just respected other peoples space!

aevan011

@Amecsey I can identify with what you said...I need prep time. DH has come home a few times with "__coworkers___ are all going out for dinner and drinks in an hour!" .....and I have struggled between telling him no, and rushing to get ready and having no fun bc I wasn't prepared to socialize. 

It's good that you're gearing up to have that talk with her!

Toller

@Amecsey  for the key thing- can you just give her a garage code (so you can change it if you ever need to) or they make key panels for the front door too..... just an idea

Don't worry- with 2 babies and eventual toddlers running around- you'll get good at saying NO! hehe

temmetime

Amecsey said:

With my MIL, she will text one of us saying she's going to drop something off or pick something up, and literally she will already be on the road to our house and there before we can respond and tell her no. It drives me crazy. What is it about in-laws where they think they have the right? My parents never do that!

That would definitely be frustrating! We've got the opposite problem; DH's family will call and ask if they can come borrow something or stop by and we'll say yep no problem.. then they won't show up for like 2 hours.  If we'd know that they were actually going to come two hours later that would be fine too, it's just annoying feeling like you're waiting on someone to come borrow something! I mean.. we could've have some hot steamy sexy time if we'd know

Amecsey

@temmetime
haha, right! (Except in my case where my dr has said no to sex and orgasms i literally cried about it last night) Family, can't live with them, can't live without them!

penelope4612

MIL informed DH that they are going to visit after the baby is born, and then his grandparents are going to come visit with his parents some other weekend, and THEN FIL has the week between Xmas and New Years off so they'll be coming up then too.  Um, no.  They're not coming 3 times in 3-4 weeks.  Not to mention that DH will almost definitely be back to work by after Christmas and I'm certainly not hanging out with them myself.  Unfortunately, when I pointed all this out to DH, he looked kind of a sad and said "I didn't really think of those things".

Also, MIL has asked in the past if we're getting a baby nurse.  Why?  I don't know but the answer was no.  Then DH told her that the baby is breech and we may end up scheduling a c-section.  Now she thinks we should reconsider a baby nurse if I'll have a C-section.  I don't want to say that will NEVER happen and end up eating my words, but I really can't fathom it happening.  My mom lives an hour away and DH could take off more time if needed.  It's not like I'll be desperately without help.  Also, does she think we're not capable of caring for a baby? (By us I obviously mean me).

dancinjennie

Had my baby shower today which was lovely. apart from my mum pestering me to open all my gifts during the shower, keeping in mind that the 30 or so guests were spread out across the house so it would have been awkward. I out my foot down and basically said I feel shy about being centre of attention to the point where everyone's staring at me whilst I Paw my way through the gifts plus I wanted my partner with me when I opened them because it's his baby as well as mine. so I got my own way.
Anyway, gusers gradually left and so I was sat with MIL and 3 SIL'S and they couldn't resist showing me their gifts (which is fine) and mil pipes up that she bought me a mobile for the cot that matches a bedding set I'd already got. I told her one came with the set and she was really pissed. she actually said that it annoyed her as she had told me she wanted to buy it for me (I didn't think she was bothering as this was discussed in July!) and when I explained that I had priced up all items from my set separately (there was a sale on) and it worked out more expensive even with he discount off each thing minus the mobile and a sleep suit (which I also already had) so I decided to get the set even though it meant duplicating on the sleeps it she basically looked like I'd disregarded all her feelings and she said "well I'll take it back tomorrow" and then made a fuss about fishing through all my gift bags to find hers so she could return said mobile. I'm pretty miffed. i try not to get miffed about much but that has done my crust in. 
I find her quite overbearing at times. love her to bits but she is just too much sometimes. 
So there's my rant. please tell me if I've been out of order. x 

thedaint87

This is not nearly on the level of some issues other people are having, but I'm hitting my limit with my MIL.  I love her and generally don't have any real issues with her, but her insistence on this baby being born on her birthday is really starting to bother me.  Baby is due December 21 and her birthday is December 12.  When people ask about the due date she will say the 12th and insist that he should come early.  Today we were with them at a party and she said something like "if this baby has any amount of brains in his head, he'll come on the 12th".  She was joking, but it just feels like she wants to make it all about her when she goes on about it over and over again.  DH doesn't get why I'm frustrated and maybe I'm being way too sensitive, but it is just getting to me lately.

dmontgo

@thedaint87 You're not being unreasonably bothered over this--- she's not even my MIL and I'm insanely annoyed. My MIL is not nice, but if this baby were coming around her birthday, she would insist that my baby wanted to be "just like her" or something equally stupid. 

And tbh, I'm a December 15th baby and I don't want my son born on my birthday. I want my own birthday. 

Amecsey

I had my second baby shower on Saturday which was a lot of fun. My mom hosted it, but all of her friends helped her with the food and games and decorations, which made it less stressful and easier for her to manage. It was such a nice day! 

A few of my aunts came (who we didn't expect to), and we took a family photo after everyone else left, and I posted it on Facebook with the word 'Family'. So yesterday (Sunday) I get a text from my aunt (who lives 3000 miles away) about how i hurt her so badly, and how could i be so inconsiderate and not invite her to the shower, that i made her feel awful, and that she feels so hurt, and how i should consider her feelings.

First it is important to note that my moms sisters are crazy, each in their own way, but each crazy and in some weird competition with each other and they get a little silly about stuff sometimes. One wouldn't come to my wedding because another was going to be there. Another is a crazy right wing conservative that doesn't get along with the crazy family liberal. Lots of years of jealousy, competition, and who knows what have led to all of these women loving each other, but not being able to stand each other too long at the same time. And all three think they are my moms favorite. Why can't they grow up and realize that none of this crap matters? And that she doesn't have to have a favorite!

So I am mad at first and don't respond, because:

1. I did not host the shower
2. I did not create the guest list
3. I did not send out the invites
4. My aunt lives 3000 miles away, and expecting someone to spend hundreds of dollars on a plane ticket to come for a baby shower, when they can barely afford to come for New Years (which she is) is just silly. The other aunts are closer, i'm sorry, i did not make you move to where you did
5. The picture I posted on Facebook said 'family'. It didn't say, 'All the family', or 'the best of the family', it simply said 'family'.
6. My mom, having "chemo brain" forgot to send you an invite, get over it! I do not need this shit! You are a 72 year old woman, who does not need validation from me or my mother, get control of yourself and stop sending snarky text messages

Finally, after i cool down and think about it I send this:
"I think this is all a misunderstanding. There was no malicious intent. I'm sorry you feel left out, but that was not anyone's intention. If I posted a picture of [DH], the dogs, and I, I would also write 'Family'. It was not an exclusive comment, only a picture of who was there at the moment. I also think that there are so many other things going on right now, and emotions and reactions surrounding my mom and seeing or not seeing her might be at their peak. We love you."

No response back. (And I doubt I will get one) I get it, my mom forgot to invite her, but it was an honest mistake. I also get that she might be jealous of time that other siblings get to spend with my mom right now because she is so far away, but that doesn't make it okay to text your niece and put the blame on her to somehow vent your anger or sadness.

I am barely keeping my shit together with my full-time job, two boys on the way, and my mom, and I am not going to let other peoples craziness be added to that list. My moms sisters better get their acts together, because if the chemo doesn't work, or she has to go through another round and it gets worse, and my mom gets sicker, I am not going to let them bring any of their drama around her and ruin whatever time and peace she has left. They all need to take a moment and grow up fast!

Okay, thanks for letting me vent, rant over!

aevan011

@Amecsey - good on you to take the time to send her a well thought out, calm message. I honestly would have sent her the numbered list, but that's me being harsh I guess. lol. I hope the sisters can put their bulls*** aside for your mom's sake. Your mom is really blessed to have you backing her up. 

I'm glad the shower was nice, though!