Weekend Worries 10/15

1inthehopper

Let's hear it! Here's your safe place to get all those PGAL brain worries out!

Bok Bagok

So this is a weekend of worry/anxiety for me. A quick recap of my background and this pregnancy. I'm 39, have a 2.5 year old daughter (zero issues with that pregnancy - how nice), since her birth had two MMC found at 8 and 12 week US, fertility testing showed I have a weird chromosome that can cause early miscarriage and only very rarely an abnormal live birth. So, onto this pregnancy, NIPT came back all clear but NT scan showed 3.4mm which raised a red flag with my OBGYN and sent me to an MFM. Four days later at the US with the MFM showed NT measured at 2.8mm so better but still concerned him especially because of my age and chrome issue. Had another scan with the MFM yesterday (I'm 16 weeks now), along with an amnio and I thought everything was looking fine. MFM doctor came in and said baby might have sandal gap (a larger than normal gap between the big toe and second toe) which is a soft marker for Down syndrome, but then he dismissed DS because of the clear NIPT results. He said it could just be the baby was moving his toes or just that he has a space between those toes and is normal otherwise. Then he went on to show us that the bowels are slightly brighter again another soft marker. He explained the possibilities of why that could be, Down syndrome, possible blood in the amniotic fluid which we ruled out during the amnio, and some other reasons that all seem unlikely. I go back in two weeks for a targeted US and to go over the results from the amnio. So here I am trying to not worry, and I'm almost not worrying really because I'm so totally exhausted and depressed from all of this, the MMCs, the difficulty we had conceiving this second baby, all these "markers" and "slightly this and maybe that's", it's like I've just given up. I'm so tired of thinking and over thinking and trying to push this out of my mind. I just want to go to sleep until we have the amnio results. And what if they come back with some sort of grey diagnosis. I keep trying to stay optimistic and say that the NT wasn't too high, that the toe thing might be nothing and the bright bowel could also be nothing. Then I think how can there be nothing wrong with three markers? Obviously something must be wrong. I don't think it's any of the trisomies, but something else. Google is little help cause as soon as you search for markers the only things that really come up are the trisomies.  On top of all this I have all this guilt for not being a happy engaging mom to my daughter. I'm a SAHM and she is non-stop energy and I can't keep up with her. My mind is so preoccupied it's so hard for me to be in the moment with her. Thank goodness for my mom and husband they have both been great with filling in the gaps I'm making. Sorry to have made this so long, I needed to write it all out. 

ceclarlinetlo

I'm sorry you have all these soft markers stealing your joy - fwiw when I was born the nurses had me tested for Down syndrome because I had some "soft markers" apparent at birth and I don't have it. I also have a friend who was told her baby's limbs were measuring short as a marker of downs and her baby is also perfectly healthy, and another mom on my BMB had Downs soft markers on her baby's heart that also came back as nothing. FX these soft markers are nothing and we are here to support you in the mean time. 

1inthehopper

@Bok Bagok it's all consuming, isn't it?! Hang in there, momma- I'm sure your daughter hasn't even noticed but we are so hard on ourselves- I know that feeling. Praying everything goes well at the next scan. It's hard not having concrete answers. 

HGRich

@Bok Bagok fx for you! I too had a friend with a child with soft markers and they turned out to be nothing. I agree that your LO probably hasn't noticed. We're always so much harder on ourselves. 

My weekend worry is just this long gap between 9 weeks and 19 before I see baby again. I've made it four. Six more to go. My pessimistic side is convinced I can't make a healthy baby because I haven't yet, and I'm going to discover at my anatomy scan that this baby isn't healthy. But we decided not to have any genetic testing or extra scans because it doesn't change anything, but of course I wonder. 

I'm also feeling bad because I just couldn't eat well in the first trimester because of nausea. I feel guilty for not getting enough protein and nutrients since I survived more on carbs and dairy. I'm going to try to do better now that nausea is fading. 

Bok Bagok

Thanks all. I had a talk with my husband and also a long nap, so I'm feeling a bit better on this roller coaster.

Bok Bagok

@hgrich waiting long times between appointments is so difficult, but you do have your Doppler right? That's gotta give you some peace of mind. Are there other things going on in your life between now and your appointment that can act as a fun count down? It always helps me when I have other fun things to look forward to. 
As far as not being pleased with your first trimester diet, it's seriously survival mode you eat what you can, I really don't think it's going to hurt the baby at all. He/she will take what they need from you and I always reminded myself that taking the prenatal vitamins have to amount to something. I also think about women who are so sick during their first tri that they struggle to eat at all!!!

HGRich

@Bok Bagok yes, though I'm afraid of using the Doppler too often too. But it has helped quite a bit and I'm sure it will. But all it can tell me is that baby is alive, not whether he or she is healthy. And that's my current worry. 

And yes, I keep reminding myself that too! And that some mamas don't take care of themselves at all and some can't get good food and vitamins and their babies are fine. I need to read up on the science of early fetal development. I like that kind of thing and it helps. 

1inthehopper

@HGRich baby will always get the nutrients it needs- they are like little parasites lol.  It's you, if anyone who would suffer. That's where the prenatal covers our nauseas carb loving butts! 

It is so so hard to wait between appointments!!! It's ok for a week or so after a visit for me and then my PGAL brain takes over. Hang in there!!

1inthehopper

My worries this weekend are about my followup ultrasound next Wed.   Surprisingly the past week and a half has gone by rather smoothly- I think because I have symptoms I didn't worry too much. Since baby was measuring 5 days behind 1.5 weeks ago my biggest worry is a MMC and that I just don't know yet because of the progesterone I'm taking.  I vividly remember the ultrasound last pregnancy when my ectopic was diagnosed and I desperately don't want to be on the exam table sobbing again losing another baby. It terrifies me.   But I try to focus on the fact that we already know this pregnancy is not ectopic and we saw a heartbeat. 2 major steps.  

My other worry has to do with taking medicine during the 1st tri.  I try not to take anything. But I have horrible allergies year round and if they are not controlled I get a sinus infection. I also have acid reflux and have been having headaches. My morning sickness is made worse TMI by all the allergy drainage down the back of my throat. I've been using my nasal spray (it's category daily to try to avoid a sinus infection and antibiotics. Some days I'm so miserable though that I end up taking Tylenol or Claritin. I know they are category B and my OBGYN approved them, I just keep thinking what if something is wrong with baby- I will wonder if the meds did it. 

Arg- when I type out my worries I think they sound ridiculous but I know you guys understand.  Thank goodness for this board!

1inthehopper

I had category B in parentheses in my post above and it changed it to the sunglasses emoji and won't let me edit it on mobile! LOL 

HGRich

Thank you all. It's true--our worries sound bad to us but it's nice knowing that here there's encouragement without judgement! Versus the people who don't understand and tell you to just stop worrying. 

@1inthehopper I get you about meds. I had to tell myself after my mmc that it wasn't my occasional Zyrtec or Tylenol. My doctor told me the same. I'm sorry your allergies are bad. I quit Zyrtec even though I know it's ok, but I still need one once in awhile for the same reason. The congestion is not helping my nausea. Do you have a Doppler to check heartbeat? But you're right--this baby isn't ectopic and that's a big deal. And from what I know, within seven days either way is considered normal size. 

I know it only helps so much though, but thoughts and prayers with you! Update us after your appt! 

Bok Bagok

@1inthehopper I know what you mean about taking medication, I have those same anxieties. We torture ourselves if we do or don't, there's no winning!

1inthehopper

Thanks ladies- i always feel better just getting the worries out in writing! Thanks for "listening". @HGRich I don't have a Doppler. I'm really debating getting one or not-- I don't know if it will help me or make my anxiety worse??

HGRich

@1inthehopper I was worried about that too. But I told myself, since I got it in week 10, that if I didn't find it it would be early and I wouldn't panic. I watched a lot of YouTube videos first and reminded myself I was inexperienced and might not use it right at first. But on my first try I found hb after about 20 min, learned to distinguish between mine and baby's, and then it got progressively easier. Now I can find the hb in about a minute and I listen for about a minute and it really helps. BUT it is a legitimate concern to be unsure if it would help or hurt. That's just my personal experience. I've enjoyed measuring the heartbeat that started in the high 170s and watched it drop to 156 today as it's supposed to around week 14 which is where I almost am. Kinda cool. But again, to each her own. Maybe you could borrow one right before your us and try it, and if it doesn't work, you could at least have the us afterward to reassure you? Just a thought. 

1inthehopper

Great idea @HGRich