I am in tears and really need your advice.
A friend of mine offered to host a baby shower for me months ago, and repeated the offer several times. I finally accepted and we agreed on a target weekend. Because I have very distinct groups of friends, I am having multiple baby showers all hosted by and 'for' those different groups. This one would consist of about 10 ladies, half of which I've known for almost 15 years, and the other half more like 5 years.
Apparently, the hostess has been talking to that friends in common group (the oldest in my life, but not the closest), and because no one else stepped up to help (she usually takes the lead in hosting and then makes everyone else do the work), she has 'gotten their agreement' to do it at a restaurant with each guest paying their bill/splitting the bill. Also the agreed on weekend 11/5 or 11/6, no longer works, so she said, "why not do it next weekend?" Yes, in one week! Oh, and "X lady works on Saturdays, but it could be after her work. We'll go for drinks (DRINKS!!) and appetizers. We all want to celebrate your baby."
When she offered to host, she said "I can host something very simple for you, I am not the pintrest type nor do I focus on all the details", to which I responded (truthfully) that that was just fine, that the important thing is getting together and celebrating, and that I was very thankful and appreciative of the opportunity to do so. My expectation has always been that this would be something very small, and very, very basic.
But, I am not ok with asking guests to pay for their food at what is supposed to be a baby shower for me.
There are no financial concerns on her end whatsoever, but she does tend to be very thrifty. I don't mind her doing something very simple (cake, iced tea, and finger food) at her house. I know she won't want to do the work for it (buying, set up, clean up). I don't even mind buying most of the food (except cake - that's going too far) to help out. She's told another friend that she doesn't know about decorating. So, I don't even mind leaving out the decorations, games, favors, and an electronic invitation is fine. I am not the one throwing the party. She is. And, this is her style. We all know her. She chooses to prioritize other things in her life and that's fine. I'm still flattered that she wants to do something for me, *specially* because parties are not her thing. But, now this restaurant thing just feels so wrong, and it being drinks focused, feels even more inconsiderate.
We're supposed to talk about it tomorrow, but I honestly can't hold back the tears, and don't think I'll be able to communicate very well. It seems that if I now tell her, thank you for offering, but no thank you, that would be very rude of me; that she would get offended and the other ladies who've been contacted would think that I didn't think this 'restaurant gathering was good enough' or something. So, in order to please THEM, I have to agree to have MY shower be a drinks at a restaurant - guest pay their way - last minute thing put together? How can I get out of this? Also, if I say 'no', and then the pictures of the other baby showers show up on FB, and they see they were not invited to any, they might get offended. It's as if somehow *I*, the honoree, owe everyone...the no-hosting hostess, the no helping guests, etc...
I can offer to help her do something very, very basic (think broke college buddies rather than the successful, professional women in our forties that we are) at her place. But, if she doesn't agree to doing something basic at her place, I do not under any circumstances want the drinks and appetizers thing or meal out thing. Whenever I've hosted something like that on my own (for my birthday or something like that), I've always picked up the check for everyone. And, honestly, I can't think of anything more demoralizing that having to pay for these ladies to drink and eat for 'my' shower.
Oh, she also asked me to tell her if I just want a big group gift from everyone (which they did as a 'sprinkle' for one of the 15 kids that have been born into this particular group), or just to go off the registry. Can this get more impersonal?
Hosting at my own house is not an option right now (and should it even be?).
Girls - be as honest with me as you can - am I being crazy here? How do I get out of this? I don't want to add these 10 women to the other showers. They have their own vibe/groups and I don't want to burden those hostesses with more guests. I also don't want to pick up the check at the restaurant, and can't or want to host this group at my own home. To be honest, I think it's lame that I'd even have to bring food to her house or help like that for my shower, but it seems to be the lesser evil. I really, really, really just want to have nothing to do with this, but it seems it will look really bad if I say that.
Thanks for reading and in advance for the much needed advice!
Me: 40 | DH: 45 | together 14 years
TTC since 9/2015
We trust and pray that God will continue to bless us with a full-term, smooth pregnancy and the delivery of a healthy baby.