I'll start it off! This may sound really bratty of me but my MIL is a tw. She has 3 grandkids (well as of now). My dd and my SIL's 2 kids (5 and 8). First, I understand that they were the first grandkids (and the first of each sex) and second I understand that they are her daughter's kids. I know it my not be PC but in my experience the whole 'daughters don't leave but sons do' thing is very real. So I know that by nature SIL's kids will be closer to mil (just like my dd is closer to my siblings then SIL).
Anyway... The thing that is bothering me right now is that ever since my nephew went to preschool my mil has taken him (and then niece) back to school shopping. Well dd is going to preschool this year and she hasn't offered anything. My dh and I aren't looking for a hand out and we are quite capable of buying our dd her school stuff but it's the principal of the thing. It's not like my dd never sees her (in fact the opposite as we live in the same town and she sees her a few times a week and SIL lives 30 mins away and they see each other on Wednesdays and maybe a Friday night). But she didn't even know what day or where she was going to school. She took off from work yesterday to see my niece and nephew get on the bus, but she doesn't even know when my dd starts.
And she thought I was due in September... Um no, I've always been due in October.
Again it's petty but it's not since there is such a long history of my SIL getting way different (and better) treatment then my dh and now it has spilled over to the kids and that irks me.
DH is a TW... not on purpose, but still. He woke me up last night jibber jabberin' in his sleep. Just having a full on convo with himself next to me lol... now I'm tired and will be yawning through all my conference calls because I had a really hard time falling back asleep.
@maf9866 Oh man, that would make me ragey too. My MIL is like that with my BILs daughters, she goes above and beyond but makes almost no effort with my stepson. My mother, on the other hand, goes above and beyond to make sure that he is treated the way this baby will be treated... and then she'll take it even farther so she can make up for the 12 years before he was part of our family. You have to treat children equally, they totally notice when grandma has favorites and it hurts.
The back up sonographer at my OB is a TW. I've had her once before and didn't like her much and had her again this morning. She's supposed to be checking his kidney and I get that but the other lady gives me a minute to look at his face, even used the 3D wand so I could get a good look. This lady looks for 2 seconds, tells me his hands are in the way and just moves on. I know I'll see his face for real in a matter of weeks but I was looking forward to seeing him and basically just spent 20 mins looking at gray squiggly lines on the monitor.
Me: 32 & DH: 37
Married: November 2014
TTC #1 Since: October 2015
BFP #1: 11/18/15 - CP BFP #2: 2/8/16 - EDD 10/20/16 IT'S A BOY!!!! DS Born 10/16/16
@maf9866, wow, that would piss me off too! Sorry to hear about that.
@MRSCORKER, that would make me maaadddd! What a B*tch! She sounds like a real peach.
My TW is petty. I woke up last night in agonizing pain because I got a charley horse on my left calf. I cried and cried and yelped. DH was so frightened he thought I was in labor. As if my waddling wasn't awkward enough, you add in a charley horse cramp pain, and I am walking awful today.
@krzyriver@annabenanna thanks ladies, sometimes I feel like I might be over reacting because mil and I have never gotten along but it makes me feel better knowing it isn't just me that it would bother.
And im sorry you have to see the same with your stepson @krzyriver. It sucks and is noticeable and hurtful. Right now my dd is too young and unfortunately adores mil but one day there will be a moment where she sees how differently they are treated. And where I'll be happy about the distance it may bring, it will break my heart for my daughter.
I'm on board with DH being a TW. I get it, there is no way he can understand how I'm feeling physically/emotionally whatever since he can't carry a child but I wish he would be a little more understanding. Esp because now I cry at the drop of a dime (over nothing something) and I get that maybe that can be annoying but my emotions/hormones are going crazy and my body hurts everywhere.
*American lady living in Tanzania.
DH - Tanzanian Maasai
BFP #1 - MC Dec 2, 2015 (@ 9weeks) BFP #2 - Feb 2, 2016 --EDD 10/10/16 --Abigail- October 6, 2016. Heart warrior. October 2017- Began fostering to adopt T, (DOB:November 19, 2013)
MIL is a tw. She's going to be in town (but working) for 3 weeks starting September 10. Baby is probably coming early and we did not want out of town visitors for awhile. I feel bad if she's here and we don't want anyone over but at the same time I'm irritated that's she's infringing on our space
@MRSCORKER Ugh, that's super annoying! We have so many ultrasounds due to complications that I get to see Baby a lot, and the nurse is always way super nice, but my issue is that her ultrasounds HURT. They need to see Baby's brain, so she's always digging in super far to make sure they get just the right angle, which I get. But last time it hurt so bad I jumped. And then Baby started kicking like crazy and I wanted to be like, "Well yeah! You're pushing a probe into his skull! I'm sure he doesn't like that!"
I think sometimes the techs are just so used to seeing babies all the time that they get used to it and don't realize that the women they're working on 1.)don't get to see their babies often at all, so it's a special moment for them; 2.)could be there for an ultrasound that could be super emotional if they're trying to see if something is wrong with Baby; or 3.)are actual people too, so, you know, can feel when you go pokeypokey on the probe there.
@bamacoop Exactly. We've had a good number of them too but I haven't had one for 10 weeks so I was looking forward to it. I know that the point was the measure his kidney but right after she finished with me, I saw her leave the office so I was obviously her last scan and she was trying to get out of there.
Me: 32 & DH: 37
Married: November 2014
TTC #1 Since: October 2015
BFP #1: 11/18/15 - CP BFP #2: 2/8/16 - EDD 10/20/16 IT'S A BOY!!!! DS Born 10/16/16
My Mom was such a TW yesterday. I had been craving a bag of FunYuns for weeks and my sister knew this. She got me a bag yesterday, and half way through the second funyun my mom snatches the bag out of my hand and says, " are you crazy??? U must not love ur child" (Ummm, excuse me??) All i saw was red, and immediately yelled "Give me My Bleeping Chips!!!" she eventually gave me the bag back but by then i was so pissed i didnt even finish them. Talk about a buzz kill, it was just a funyun!!! lol
Married 11-11-11 TTC only since Dec 2015. I had some weight to get off. Been working hard in the gym for over a year. BFP 02-15-16 with our first IT'S A BOY!!!
@zuzu87 Ugh. Your mom sounds like mine. She usually gets the honor of being my twatwaffle but this week I'm passing the torch to DH. It's petty, but I'm so stressed by it. So we live in a smaller two-bedroom apartment with no yard. With dog and this baby we're tight on space and had been discussing buying a house in the next couple of years. I will be finishing my degree around the end of 2017 and will then be able to start looking for a permanent position. Using DH's work as a center point, there are 5 major cities in which I can look for positions, so I was feeling confident I'd find something and we could move to that city. Well recently he's been saying he wishes we lived closer to his parents so his mom could babysit. I get that, but she lives outside of the 5-city bubble in an area with bad public transportation (meaning I can't easily commute). This weekend we're at his parents' house and he and his dad start discussing two houses for sale in his hometown that he has ALREADY contacted and scheduled viewings for. Apparently he and his dad decided we should buy a house asap. When I mentioned how that would greatly reduce my career choices my DH said I don't earn enough with my "hobby" and child care is more important. Then he tried to attribute my anger to pregnancy hormones. I SO APPRECIATE him using his hard-earned savings to buy us a house but WTF?!
@books&icecream ... the hobby thing would have made me see red! I know how hard my very close friend has worked for her degree that's similar to yours and how much stress it's created for her. It's definitely not a hobby! Shout out to you for keeping your cool and not wringing his neck when he said that
@books&icecream that's a truly terrible thing to do. You guys are partners. He should not be making life-altering decisions, like where to buy a house, on his own unless he plans to live there on his own. It may be "his" money, but it's your life too. And calling your career a hobby is way out of line. You're right to be angry.
@books&icecream that's totally acceptable to label as twat-wafflery. I was in school for a very long time and if somebody called my career path a hobby, I would be seeing red. Hopefully he realizes how insensitive and condescending his statement was. (I am sometimes guilty of letting things come out of my mouth before my brain processes them. And I've had to eat my words and apologize profusely to DH for insensitive things that I've said). And hopefully you can figure out some suitable living arrangements that allow both of you to have satisfying career and work lives
@books&icecream I would have been fuming! That's such a put down on how hard you've worked - and then to throw in the hormones comment?? How much you value your career should be pretty apparent to him by now. To just brush it aside like that - I may have punched him. I hope you guys can talk it out and get on the same page!!
@maf9866, i second the favoritism. It seems all my adult life my brother has been the favorite of the two of us. My grandparents raised us. My brother lives 3 states away and my grandparents help him out at the drop of a hat. I live 45 minutes away and its like breaking teeth to get them to help me out with anything. This favoritism has carried over to my neice. She is 4, and the my granparenrs can't get enough of her. Which is perfectly fine. i can barely even get a conversation in about Robert. My grandparents are selling their house with intentions of going to Oklahoma to be close to my brother and neice. however, They aren't driving 45 minutes to come to my baby shower this weekend.
Also @annabenanna, i had a severe charlie horse yesterday that woke me up from a dead sleep. it hurt so bad i had to roll my walrus self to the side of the bed. It was so painful, i was nearly in tears. FI woke up thinking i was having contractions too. My right leg is still extremely sore today
@books&icecream I am so sorry, that would have hurt my feelings on so many levels... I don't even know what else to say about that one =(
I am a twatwaffle today. I left my laptop at school last Thursday and didn't realize it until this morning before class. Fortunately my professor had it with her this morning! Now I can't shake the feeling that I've forgotten something that I'm supposed to do this evening, there is nothing written down on my calendar but it's gnawing at me.
@books&icecream I'm livid on your behalf. I sincerely hope that he didn't intend for that to come out as a hurtful and demeaning comment. Regardless, life decisions such as major property purchases should be made by both of you as a partnership. @maf9866 My nephews always seem to get special treatment from my parents. They were the first grandkids and, unfortunately, I think that means they will always be treated a little differently from DD. It's not fair, and sometimes I have to "remind" my parents that they did certain things for the boys and now I expect them to do the same for DD. My brother gets treated differently as well, but I think that has more to do with my parents wanting to be "needed" and I'm a little too fiercely independent to help them out with that.
@books&;icecream to take something you are passionate about and reduce it to being a hobby and then to blame hormones for the logical reason you are upset sucks. I hope there is a way to make him understand that his actions weren't ok and then his reaction to your feelings was over the line as well.
To to all the ladies who replied to my tw: I am truly sorry to see that there are quite a few of us who are experiencing the same thing whether in our lives or watching it happen to our kids. I know life isn't 'fair' but not feeling loved equally by a parent or grandparent shouldn't fall into 'fair and unfair' it should be unconditional.
@ball4768 specifically to your comment about them being 'needed'. I think that's exactly what happens with us too. It's not that my SIL is actually needy but man does she play the part! But the consequences of her doing that with the kids is that she has pretty much relinquished all of her power when it comes to fighting her mom on some issues.
For example: mil smokes, but she doesn't smoke in her house so she goes to the porch. Since SIL always has had her kids stay with mil, the kids go outside and sit with her while she smokes. I remember being in a restaurant and my nephew (3 at the time) asking loudly if he could go smoke. He just meant that he wanted to be outside with grandma while she smoked but it was terrible. Now with dh and I we laid down the law very very quickly that she wasn't allowed to even touch my baby if she had been smoking. We would make her wash her hands and change (or take off) her sweatshirt before handing dd to her. Boy did she hate that!
@books&icecream I'm pretty sure your DH wins the TW award today - perhaps we should make him a crown?! Seriously though, that truly sucks and made me feel sad & rage-y for you, all at the same time. Sometimes men just don't think...(well, most of the time, it seems).
Thanks, guys. I appreciate your support and I feel a lot better knowing I wasn't over reacting. I know at the end of the day this is him wanting to be close to his family as we're starting ours but he did NOT go about it the right way. I just, ugh.
@books&icecream I'm pretty sure your DH wins the TW award today - perhaps we should make him a crown?! Seriously though, that truly sucks and made me feel sad & rage-y for you, all at the same time. Sometimes men just don't think...(well, most of the time, it seems).
omg, just wanted to +1 this. Knowing that you live in Germany I wonder, does he take your career less seriously because you (probably) don't have a mountain of student loan debt? I feel like in the US if you owe the federal govt tens of thousands+, people tend to feel like you better work for that $$. Or maybe your H is just out of his damn mind. IDK.
My TW is a friend of mine: she invited me to not just one but TWO of her wedding showers, but didn't bother to invite me to the bachelorette party. I've known her a long time but we aren't close- but all the women she did invite are close and we are most definitely in the same circle of friends. Seriously....you want me to shower you with gifts but not hang out and have fun? Bitch.
@NoraAurora I had a friend pull something like that too last year... I hosted her baby shower, and attended her bridal shower. I got a call from her a week before her bachelorette party asking *drum roll please* If I would babysit while everyone goes out -_-
@NoraAurora I told her I was busy. She was like "Oh, okay, just thought I'd ask you first since you're pregnant and can't go out and drink with us anyway". I didn't bother responding to that, but I'm sure you can imagine the 500 different things going through my head at the time. I have a feeling your TW friend is thinking the same dumb thing. Just because we can't get shit faced with you doesn't mean we can't have a good time...
@AllyTheKid OMG I would be so pissed. Everyone does always tell me they are sorry for me if I show up places with drunk people. What, just because I can't be drunk means I can't go out? I have FOMO.
Me:33 DH: 34 Married: May 2011 TTC #1: May 2015 DS: 10/20/2016 TTC #2: June 2019 #2 EDD: 2/20/2020
@ibabyloveb87 My friends seem to forget that I never get drunk with them even when I'm not pregnant! I would have a drink or two, and then I was that girl who would bust out a doobie. I can have a good time without inebriating substances though, man.
Our utility company is a TW. We have been out of power for hours, no guess when it will be back and I have a washing machine full of laundry, a floor to vacuum and have no idea how I will make supper and bath my kids tonight. I can't even go out for supper cause the entire town had no power it's that major. FML today.
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Re: Twatwaffle Tuesday 08.30.16
Anyway... The thing that is bothering me right now is that ever since my nephew went to preschool my mil has taken him (and then niece) back to school shopping. Well dd is going to preschool this year and she hasn't offered anything. My dh and I aren't looking for a hand out and we are quite capable of buying our dd her school stuff but it's the principal of the thing. It's not like my dd never sees her (in fact the opposite as we live in the same town and she sees her a few times a week and SIL lives 30 mins away and they see each other on Wednesdays and maybe a Friday night). But she didn't even know what day or where she was going to school. She took off from work yesterday to see my niece and nephew get on the bus, but she doesn't even know when my dd starts.
And she thought I was due in September... Um no, I've always been due in October.
Again it's petty but it's not since there is such a long history of my SIL getting way different (and better) treatment then my dh and now it has spilled over to the kids and that irks me.
Me: 32 & DH: 37
BFP #2: 2/8/16 - EDD 10/20/16
IT'S A BOY!!!!
DS Born 10/16/16
@MRSCORKER, that would make me maaadddd! What a B*tch! She sounds like a real peach.
My TW is petty. I woke up last night in agonizing pain because I got a charley horse on my left calf. I cried and cried and yelped. DH was so frightened he thought I was in labor. As if my waddling wasn't awkward enough, you add in a charley horse cramp pain, and I am walking awful today.
@MRSCORKER - That would piss me off, too. You know if that was her on the table, she'd want to see her baby's face. Rude!
And im sorry you have to see the same with your stepson @krzyriver. It sucks and is noticeable and hurtful. Right now my dd is too young and unfortunately adores mil but one day there will be a moment where she sees how differently they are treated. And where I'll be happy about the distance it may bring, it will break my heart for my daughter.
BFP #2 - Feb 2, 2016 --EDD 10/10/16 --Abigail- October 6, 2016. Heart warrior.
October 2017- Began fostering to adopt T, (DOB:November 19, 2013)
@MRSCORKER Ugh, that's super annoying! We have so many ultrasounds due to complications that I get to see Baby a lot, and the nurse is always way super nice, but my issue is that her ultrasounds HURT. They need to see Baby's brain, so she's always digging in super far to make sure they get just the right angle, which I get. But last time it hurt so bad I jumped. And then Baby started kicking like crazy and I wanted to be like, "Well yeah! You're pushing a probe into his skull! I'm sure he doesn't like that!"
I think sometimes the techs are just so used to seeing babies all the time that they get used to it and don't realize that the women they're working on 1.)don't get to see their babies often at all, so it's a special moment for them; 2.)could be there for an ultrasound that could be super emotional if they're trying to see if something is wrong with Baby; or 3.)are actual people too, so, you know, can feel when you go pokeypokey on the probe there.
Me: 32 & DH: 37
BFP #2: 2/8/16 - EDD 10/20/16
IT'S A BOY!!!!
DS Born 10/16/16
TTC only since Dec 2015. I had some weight to get off. Been working hard in the gym for over a year.
BFP 02-15-16 with our first
IT'S A BOY!!!
DH: 34
Married: May 2011
TTC #1: May 2015
DS: 10/20/2016
TTC #2: June 2019
#2 EDD: 2/20/2020
patience for sonographers like that.
@maf9866 I feel you on everything you said and it would piss me off, too!
It's petty, but I'm so stressed by it. So we live in a smaller two-bedroom apartment with no yard. With dog and this baby we're tight on space and had been discussing buying a house in the next couple of years. I will be finishing my degree around the end of 2017 and will then be able to start looking for a permanent position. Using DH's work as a center point, there are 5 major cities in which I can look for positions, so I was feeling confident I'd find something and we could move to that city.
Well recently he's been saying he wishes we lived closer to his parents so his mom could babysit. I get that, but she lives outside of the 5-city bubble in an area with bad public transportation (meaning I can't easily commute). This weekend we're at his parents' house and he and his dad start discussing two houses for sale in his hometown that he has ALREADY contacted and scheduled viewings for. Apparently he and his dad decided we should buy a house asap. When I mentioned how that would greatly reduce my career choices my DH said I don't earn enough with my "hobby" and child care is more important. Then he tried to attribute my anger to pregnancy hormones.
I SO APPRECIATE him using his hard-earned savings to buy us a house but WTF?!
DS#2 due 25 April 2019
that's totally acceptable to label as twat-wafflery. I was in school for a very long time and if somebody called my career path a hobby, I would be seeing red.
Hopefully he realizes how insensitive and condescending his statement was. (I am sometimes guilty of letting things come out of my mouth before my brain processes them. And I've had to eat my words and apologize profusely to DH for insensitive things that I've said). And hopefully you can figure out some suitable living arrangements that allow both of you to have satisfying career and work lives
BFP: 8/20/2018 - EDD 5/4/2019
DH: 34
Married: May 2011
TTC #1: May 2015
DS: 10/20/2016
TTC #2: June 2019
#2 EDD: 2/20/2020
Also @annabenanna, i had a severe charlie horse yesterday that woke me up from a dead sleep. it hurt so bad i had to roll my walrus self to the side of the bed. It was so painful, i was nearly in tears. FI woke up thinking i was having contractions too. My right leg is still extremely sore today
@books&icecream I am so sorry, that would have hurt my feelings on so many levels... I don't even know what else to say about that one =(
I am a twatwaffle today. I left my laptop at school last Thursday and didn't realize it until this morning before class. Fortunately my professor had it with her this morning! Now I can't shake the feeling that I've forgotten something that I'm supposed to do this evening, there is nothing written down on my calendar but it's gnawing at me.
@maf9866 My nephews always seem to get special treatment from my parents. They were the first grandkids and, unfortunately, I think that means they will always be treated a little differently from DD. It's not fair, and sometimes I have to "remind" my parents that they did certain things for the boys and now I expect them to do the same for DD. My brother gets treated differently as well, but I think that has more to do with my parents wanting to be "needed" and I'm a little too fiercely independent to help them out with that.
To to all the ladies who replied to my tw: I am truly sorry to see that there are quite a few of us who are experiencing the same thing whether in our lives or watching it happen to our kids. I know life isn't 'fair' but not feeling loved equally by a parent or grandparent shouldn't fall into 'fair and unfair' it should be unconditional.
@ball4768 specifically to your comment about them being 'needed'. I think that's exactly what happens with us too. It's not that my SIL is actually needy but man does she play the part! But the consequences of her doing that with the kids is that she has pretty much relinquished all of her power when it comes to fighting her mom on some issues.
For example: mil smokes, but she doesn't smoke in her house so she goes to the porch. Since SIL always has had her kids stay with mil, the kids go outside and sit with her while she smokes. I remember being in a restaurant and my nephew (3 at the time) asking loudly if he could go smoke. He just meant that he wanted to be outside with grandma while she smoked but it was terrible. Now with dh and I we laid down the law very very quickly that she wasn't allowed to even touch my baby if she had been smoking. We would make her wash her hands and change (or take off) her sweatshirt before handing dd to her. Boy did she hate that!
Seriously though, that truly sucks and made me feel sad & rage-y for you, all at the same time. Sometimes men just don't think...(well, most of the time, it seems).
Also, @mrscorker, I'm sorry you didn't get to see J's sweet little face today
DS#2 due 25 April 2019
My TW is a friend of mine: she invited me to not just one but TWO of her wedding showers, but didn't bother to invite me to the bachelorette party. I've known her a long time but we aren't close- but all the women she did invite are close and we are most definitely in the same circle of friends. Seriously....you want me to shower you with gifts but not hang out and have fun? Bitch.
I didn't bother responding to that, but I'm sure you can imagine the 500 different things going through my head at the time.
I have a feeling your TW friend is thinking the same dumb thing. Just because we can't get shit faced with you doesn't mean we can't have a good time...
DH: 34
Married: May 2011
TTC #1: May 2015
DS: 10/20/2016
TTC #2: June 2019
#2 EDD: 2/20/2020