Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Telling stepson after MC?

A week before my 8 year old stepson left to spend summer with bio mom, we got our BFP. My husband and I had already decided he will be first to know when/if we're expecting, so we debated telling him before he left or waiting until second trimester or even just a couple months until he got back. A few days before he left, the cramping and bleeding started, so we held off. It wasn't until after he was gone that it was confirmed as a miscarriage... eventually we learned it was ectopic. The question is, do we now tell him about it? He's been asking for a sibling since we got married, he knows we've been trying and he's been praying with us for this baby for well over a year, and will occasionally ask if I'm pregnant (nope, just bloated, thanks!) or if/when he's going to have a sibling. He's back home now, and is still emotional himself and missing bio mom, so maybe right now isn't the best time, but we're considering telling him about it. We know he's invested, and he's a compassionate kid who would notice if he's around one of the times I still randomly start crying. There's also a higher chance of me having an ectopic or miscarriage in the future, so telling him about this one might help him understand when we're extra concerned about a future pregnancy (if, of course, I'm hopefully able to get pregnant again). But it might also make him sad to know that he was going to have a sibling, but the baby died. I don't have any children of my own, and he's an only child on both his mom's and dad's sides.

So what would you do? Do any of you have experience telling a child after the loss, when the child didn't know about the pregnancy before that?

Re: Telling stepson after MC?

  • Our story is different, but we have some similarities. We lost our little girl at almost 25 weeks, my step kids knew I was pregnant (of course), and my husband was the one to tell the kids because I was super sick in the hospital. But I want to share that I am so glad they were all a part of what happened and would recommend telling him. My step daughter is 8 and sounds a lot like your son (she was so so excited for her baby sister, prayed for her, etc.) and she handled it really well. It may bring him sadness, but it is still his little brother or sister and he might really appreciate being included in this important experience. Definitely every kid is different, but in our family I'm glad the kids shared in our experience. 
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