Did you memorialize your lost LOs? Really hard time... — The Bump
Pregnant after a Loss

Did you memorialize your lost LOs? Really hard time...

OMG I'm having such a tough time lately! I don't want to selfishly rant but I have to share somewhere and I know you all will understand so thank you for putting up with me. (Sorry for a duplicate March mommas)

I'm 10w2d and yesterday I didn't get sick in the morning...that of course made me a worry wart all day and I kinda had a breakdown when my husband got home, I soaked the shoulder of his T-shirt bawling my eyes out. I think I'm not just worried about feeling better too early and that being a bad sign but I think I need to acknowledge that my first child was due next week...I think I'm still grieving...I really honestly handled the miscarriage well and was able to process it but now that I'm in the time between when my last bean was lost and when I miscarried (9w - 12w) I feel so in shambles!! I check Bean's heartbeat on doppler every few days and he's still thumping in there, I'm just so afraid for him but more so I think I'm really thinking about my lost bean...on our due date DH and I plan to light a candle and say kaddish (Jewish prayer of mourning a death but which is really about exalting G-d)...it is going to hurt so bad but I think right now thats a good thing. Then the following week I have my 13w midwife appt and will officially be pregnant longer than last time.

Question: did you memorialize your lost LOs? If so, how? I originally didn't think it would help me personally but now I don't know...

Wow sorry that was so long but I gotta get these things out. Thanks for bearing with me.

Re: Did you memorialize your lost LOs? Really hard time...

  • I'm so sorry you're having a rough time - I started having days this time around where I felt better around 9 weeks, and it scared the crap out of me.

    to answer your question: I did not memorialize my first loss because it was a blighted ovum and I did not feel like I had anything to memorialize (not to say that others shouldn't memorialize a blighted ovum it was just how I felt personally). However, I did spend that EDD as a special day with DH we went hiking at new location we hadn't been to before, had lunch out and then went home and cuddled while binge watching Netflix. I didn't interact with anyone else all day. 

    My second loss I have a painting a friend gave be that I love. It's a mixture of beauty and mess which I think captured my feelings perfectly.

    I was just coming out of a mental break down when my second EDD came around and honestly didn't care at the time - I was too numb to care about anything. 

    I think you are right that if saying a Kaddish hurts it will probably be a good thing. Sometimes you can't move past something without moving through it - and I think that means just allowing yourself to feel the emotional pain that comes from your loss. 

    Big hugs to you. 
    TW: MMC
    BFP1 12/24/14 - EDD 09/07/15 (D/C 8w1d)
    BFP2 6/12/15 - EDD 2/22/16 (D/C 10w3d)
    ———
    Diagnoses and Treatments
    PCOS (myo-inositol, excercize)
    Indeterminant levels of APS IgM antibodies (baby aspirin)
    Sub-septate uterus (hysteroscopic septoplasty 12/18/15)
    ———
    BFP3 05/02/16 EDD 01/09/17 DS born 01/05/17
    BFP4 01/28/19 EDD 10/?/19 🤞🙏

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  • The moment I saw my baby on the US and could see the little flicker of its heart, I was attached. Completely. So when I went in 4 weeks later with spotting and then bleeding and found out I was miscarrying... I was torn apart. I couldn't seem to explain to my loved ones what this loss meant to me - for the baby I love but will never hold. I kept having this image pop into my head... It was a tree. The tree had two birds on its branches and somehow I new it was DH and I. And there was a third bird... Flying away from the branches. So close that you could feel the breeze from the flap of its wings but still so out of reach... I knew it was my baby. Eventually I caved in and ended up in a tattoo parlor and got that exact image tattooed on my back left shoulder. 

    I hope one day I can add more birds to those branches. 
    ceclarlinetloamwangelMeganWorden
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  • ((Hugs)) Milestone dates are so tough. My experience is a little different since we lost our daughter at 31 weeks and I gave birth to her. We had her cremated so her tiny urn sits on my dresser. I also have an angel baby plaque with her name and birthday, 2 different necklaces, a bracelet, an afghan that my aunt made (the only blanket I have that she was wrapped in), a hat my sister made, and the quilt my mom was in the process of making that she finished later. Our oldest daughter has a bear that a friend made and I also have a Molly Bear ordered. I also have everything to put a shadow box together- the sleeper she wore in the hospital, her hospital hat and bracelets, pictures from the hospital. 

    For her birthday we plan to release balloons and have cake. My sister has also been making preemie and newborn size hats to donate to the hospital. 

    If you would like to see pictures of anything just ask, I'll gladly share. 

     

    BabyFruit Ticker


    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

    Lilypie Fifth Birthday tickers

    CantanteLirica
  • @DaniBanani16 That's a beautiful image.

     

    BabyFruit Ticker


    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

    Lilypie Fifth Birthday tickers

    JustAnotherUsername16
  • My loss was very early, but still very hard for me. We had unofficially nicknamed the baby Poppy Baby. I knew I needed some way to remember my baby and feel a little closure. So, I got this tattoo done a few weeks ago. It is a poppy flower. I am now 4 weeks again with a new little poppy. This next week or two is going to be hard because it is when I lost the last one. 

    Me: 28 year old SAHM/Birth Doula
    DH: 30 year old pneumatic electrical engineer 
    Married: October 8, 2011
    DD1: September 24, 2013
    BFP: June 25, 2016 and MC: July 3, 2016
    DD2: April 16, 2017
    BFP: November 30, 2018 EDD: August 14, 2019
    BabyFruit Ticker
    JustAnotherUsername16
  • I have lost two babies at 8 weeks and one at almost 22 weeks. I was pregnant with my second son when both the early loss due dates came around, and I just felt a moment of thankfulness & hope on those days. I had a sense of closure with those losses because they felt like bumps on the road to my son. The later loss EDD will be in a few weeks and I am going to be a mess, I think. The closer it gets, the sadder I get about everything.  (I burst into tears at my newborn cousin's baptism a few days ago, ugh emotions). I like the idea of cake to celebrate her. It makes me tear up just typing that, so I think we'll definitely have to do something to mark the day. Huge to you as you navigate all these emotions!

    A

    2010: son born 9/1 

    2013: 2 miscarriages + d&cs, both at 10 weeks: April & July

    2014: son #2 born 6/29

    2016: Baby girl stillborn at 21w6d 4/29 and baby boy stillborn at 20w 3d 11/16

    JustAnotherUsername16
  • Thank you all so much for sharing your stories! @waterfall213 i can't imagine having a later loss, I'm so sorry you experienced that. My step mom had an ectopic and had a plaque made for sesame seed...at the time I didn't get it and I still don't know if I need an object to remember.

    @DaniBanani16 and @mrsstuessy those are such beautiful images! I love that you can add living children to the tree... I wonder of this baby makes it here if they will ever know about their lost sibling.

    I still am navigating how to memorialize but I want to mark the day and honor my child that was never born. I think you're right @ceclarlinetlo, I need to just take the day with DH and remember.
  • I had a really hard time especially at the beginning of this pregnancy after our loss. I have 2 kids that are 6 and 8 they didn't know about the loss so I felt like I was trapped, I couldn't grieve or do anything in baby's memory because they wouldn't understand. One day I felt so overwhelmed with emotions I couldn't get mysef out of it. So my daughter and I decided we wanted a butterfly garden. I made that garden in memory of the loss of my sweet baby. We picked a sweet angel stone for the garden as decoration. While my daughter doesn't know the meaning behind the garden or angel it brought a sense of relief to my grieving and I was able to feel better about this baby that should arrive in 2 weeks, sort of reduced my anxiety. 
    JustAnotherUsername16
  • I have 2 bracelets that represent my 2 losses. 
    JustAnotherUsername16chrstna618
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