Great Article

HLD3194

I saw this online and it really hit home. I am planning on sharing it on social media and people can take it as they choose but I think if people read this prior and apply it it can really save someone else's feelings and possibly relationship.

Enjoy!

https://waitingforbabybird.com/2016/07/27/i-am-pregnant-she-is-not-how-should-i-announce-my-pregnancy-to-an-infertile-friend/

There is nothing more exciting than telling your loved ones that you are expecting am I right? I know I can’t wait for the day!  I dream of it.  I plan it.  I lay awake at night envisioning it. And so I am guessing you do too?  Because it’s exciting to see their smiles and to hear everyone’s congratulations!  That is unless you must tell an infertile friend or family member your news.  And then?  Well, it’s awkward.  It’s tricky.  Because chances are you know their struggle.  You know they have shed buckets of tears, poured countless hours into prayer, and spent thousands of dollars on doctors, vitamins, and treatments to obtain the blessing you are about to announce.

And so you may even decide to hide it from her…at least for a little while.  Perhaps you might just avoid her all together and make a post on Facebook.  Or leave her out of the big group announcement. And I get it. Because like I said, it’s awkward and it’s tricky.  I wish I knew the exact formula for how you should tell her but I don’t.  Because wouldn’t that make it easier?  Wouldn’t it save you stress and her potential heartache?  But like I said, even as a person who is struggling to conceive, I don’t know the perfect way.  The only thing I do know is that your announcement, whether to someone struggling with infertility or not, should be based on one principle alone: how close your relationship is to the person. Therefore if you are close or even semi-close with your infertile friend or family member, I hope the suggestions below will help guide you as you navigate your way through unveiling your joyful news. Because there is nothing more precious than showing compassion to another person who is struggling and needing grace, comfort, and love in a season of their life that is causing them so much pain.

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1. When you actively start trying to conceive, let her know if at all possible.

What a bold first tip!  And I know what you must be thinking…Isn’t this personal?! Annnnd it is.  I’m not suggesting you announce it to the world or blast it on Facebook, but rather just let your close friend who is struggling know. Because if your friend is aware that a pregnancy announcement might be down the pipe soon, then it will be easier for her to cope and deal with her emotions when it does come. Trust me! The less of a shock you give her, the better.

2. When you become pregnant, please do not try to hide it from her.

This one is important.  I repeat, important!  Because trust me, women dealing with infertility have a keen sense of who might be pregnant around them. It’s crazy actually how much we can sense in our spirits the second implantation has likely occurred in your uterus.  So not telling her, but telling others, may seem protective and easier at first, but most likely it will backfire. Because for her, the worst way to ever find out about your big announcement is from another friend, an acquaintance, a co-worker, or through social media. And so the protection you thought you were providing her? Only made her feel betrayed.  And the easy path you thought you were taking?  Might just cause you to climb a treacherous uphill mountain in order to mend your relationship.

3.  Text, phone call, or share it with her in a group setting?

This one is tricky because everyone (and I repeat everyone) is different.  I personally would rather have a text message.  I just never know what kind of day I am having, how my moods are swinging, or my hormones are behaving.  And so a private text message or personal email gives me the time and space needed in order to process the news, process my feelings, and then gather myself together privately in order to congratulate them in the manner they deserve without embarrassing myself by either bursting into tears or trying to win the Academy Award for not being affected at all by their news.  Group announcements are never good for me.  Like, never.

4. Plan your words and choose them wisely.

I know you are excited! And trust me, I believe 100 percent that you have every reason to be excited over your impending bundle of joy.  But please do not burst into the room jumping up and down while screaming, “We are having a baby” and then proceed to chatter on about your due date and the glow that you are feeling. Instead, first ask her how she is feeling, and then gently tell her the news. If you don’t know what to say, I suggest you start out by saying something like this…

“I wish I knew the perfect way to tell you this news, but I don’t. I found out that I am pregnant and I wanted you to hear it from me first. I also want to give you as much time and space as you need to process this news. Because I know it might hurt. So if you don’t want to talk about it, I understand. But please know that I love you. I care about you. And I am praying for you.” 

Trust me!  These words are far better and easier to swallow.

5. If you plan to make the announcement in a group setting, please tell her prior to the event.

As much as your plan to announce that your family is “growing by two feet” sounds like an awesome idea at your upcoming family reunion, it’s probably going to place your infertile friend or family member in an awkward position.  But please, don’t let it stop you from your dream of announcing it in a big group! Because telling the entire family together is a great idea.  I just suggest that you simply give your friend/family member a private heads up before the big day. Maybe even give her two or three days prior to the big reveal to process the information so that she can pull herself together emotionally if she needs to.  Or perhaps even exit quietly before you make your big announcement.

{For more on this topic, check out my post, “When Pregnancy Announcements Hurt:  The Surprise Group Announcement” by clicking here}

6. Tell her privately.

Please do not tell your friend in a crowded restaurant, the hallway at your church, or in the break room at your work place while she is microwaving her lunch.  My best advice is to share your news somewhere out of the public eye where she can get teary eyed without being self-conscious of those who are around her and who might judge her reaction.

7. After you make the announcement, give her space and time to process the news.

Your friend might smile. She might give you a warm hug and say congratulations. But then again, she may not. Instead she may cry. She may run out of the room. And she may refuse to eat lunch with you for a week. Or two. But please, don’t take it personal. Because your friend does want to be happy for you, but it’s normal for her first reaction to be that of heartache. And her reaction? It’s about her feelings of loss and not because she is unhappy about your pregnancy.

8. Stay in touch.

If she doesn’t call you back or talk to you for a week or so, just check in with her via email or text. See how she is doing by letting her know that you are thinking of her and that when she is ready for lunch again, you are ready for the invitation.  Please don’t give up on your friendship with her.  Because now is the time in which she needs you and your grace the most.

Spartanrd4

I'm just lurking but this article is great! I wish my co worker had read it before she announced her pregnancy a month or so after my loss in front of everyone at lunch and basically ruined our friendship. I literally have not spoken to her since that day and that was 3 months ago. Even now that I'm pregnant....no one knows yet but it still doesn't change the way I feel about her. She really hurt me a lot. I am curious how she will react when the word is out...I hope maybe it will be an opportunity for her to realize how badly she went about things. And if not, that's fine too. 

SnobunnieMel

This is a great article.i sent it to
my best friend as a thank you for doing all of these things. She has been amazing and got KU her first cycle with no effort after my 2nd loss. We should have been due a week apart. She lets me know privately before any picture she posts and checks in every few days. I avoided her for a few weeks initially which was hard because we normally talk daily. One day she sent me a message asking if i still hated her (not personally but as a pregnant person) and it made me realize i was not being fair to her. I was able to finally vent all my struggles I had kept from her to avoid "tainting" her pregnancy happiness. Since then things have been amazing. She never pushed pregnancy info on me and I am actually able to ask her and feel happy for her again since she has given me time to be okay with it. I think it's just as hard from her side to know she's getting to enjoy this with a BFF like me and having an understanding friend makes all the different. 

chloe97

This is fantastic. I wish I had it to send to my friend who replied all to my MC email with her own pregnancy announcement. We haven't been FB public with our struggles, so I don't want to post it and get questions (or have my MIL get questions), but I will email it to a few close friends.

BrightenMySky

I have to say I don't agree with #5.  As someone who is struggling with IF and multiple losses, I don't want to feel like I have to reassure my pregnant friend that I will be ok, I don't want to have to deal with her assuming she knows I how feel, and I don't want to feel guilty that I am making her less happy.  One friend just sent a simple email, "Just wanted to share some news, we are expecting a baby in X month."  I prefer that so much to the "I struggled with how to tell you this, and I feel guilty it was so easy for me, etc."  

I also think #1 is a little off as well.  First, that is a deeply personal decision and I would not want a friend to read this and feel the need to tell me something she didn't want to share.  And second, I have an idea which friends are interested in having kids, and we're sort of at the age where I wouldn't be shocked.  I feel like being told when they started trying would only rub salt in the wound if they were successful very quickly...at least if I don't know exactly when they started TTC, the announcement doesn't necessarily have that aspect to it.  

Sorry to be negative.  I'm struggling with some of these issues now and also partially needed to vent I think.  

KarenBeth714

love this. wish my sil told me they were trying. the news hit me like a truck. They told me before a big family event ( privately 2 hours before) and so I didn't go, because I spent the night drinking wine and crying. I haven't spoken to her since.

cooaladolly

I do like this article a lot, though I also agree with pp that each to their own on some of the particulars. I wish I had the balls to post this to Facebook now, but I feel like it's too personal still to share in that way. In fact I struggle most with the announcements from people who aren't close friends and wouldn't know the struggle I am going through even if they did want to be kind about it.

We ran into the group family announcement a couple months after our first cp. We hadn't told his extended family at the time, nievely thinking we would tell everybody once we had a successful pregnancy going. His family is uber fertile so low and behold, two months after his cousin's honeymoon she announced her pregnancy at his Grandmother's birthday. It had already been hard that day since Gma asked twice and a couple of his aunts were nagging about when we would be pregnant. When his cousin announced, we both went off trying to get our tears out privately but it was noticed, in the worst way. For some reason, his aunt (cousin's mother) was upset we weren't happy for his cousin. The drama played into us having to explain or unhappiness on demand. Whoof!