Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Not happy for sister's baby

I feel so awful, but my sister had her first baby yesterday and I sobbed when I found out it was a girl. 

I lost my baby girl in April at almost 22 weeks. I was due 6 weeks after her. I'm just gutted. 

I want to be happy for her, I really really do, but I'm just so sad for me. Anyone have any advice? I didn't expect to be so incredibly sad right now. It's my first niece! I'm an aunt for the first time! But I'm just...heartbroken. Will I eventually be happy to see her baby? For her? It's such a surprise hit of grief. 

A

2010: son born 9/1 

2013: 2 miscarriages + d&cs, both at 10 weeks: April & July

2014: son #2 born 6/29

2016: Baby girl stillborn at 21w6d 4/29 and baby boy stillborn at 20w 3d 11/16

Re: Not happy for sister's baby

  • I feel like what you are going through is common. My SIL just found out she is KU with #2. I would have been 33 weeks today. She is not due until next spring but I am still (like you said) very sad for myself. That being said, when she told us she was KU I was shocked and taken off guard. I admit I went home and cried and cried and cried. But the next morning I woke up and put those feelings aside. I would never want to take away from someone else's happiness. I will not let my own experience ruin someone else's happy time. I would never want that for myself so I try to keep myself together and do what I would want done to me. I would feel your feelings but try to feel them and move on. This is your sister and your first niece. I think you might regret not seeing them. This is a special time and maybe once you see the baby you'll feel differently. For me it took a long time not to resent babies. It's not their faults, they have no control over anything. I started to see them as they were, miracles. When I shifted my mindset I found I was much happier overall and able to cope better. Who knows that the future holds for your sister. What if she has a loss in the future and you're with your baby? I always try to remember nothing is guaranteed and life can change (for better or worse) in an instant. The pain and struggles you are going through might be able to help someone else in the future.

    I use to spend a lot of time being sad and crying but now when I'm down I feel my feels but I don't let them consume me like before. Sorry this has been so long. These are such difficult situations for women like us. I am so sorry for your loss and hope you find peace. Good luck :::hugs:::

  • My Sil and I found out were pregnant at the same time. She went on to have my beautiful niece and I got a memorial figurine. I felt so sad when and angry when my niece was born. That was suppose to be my baby! I felt awful for feeling so awful! I went and held her the day after she was born and I knew it wasn't her fault, it wasn't anyone's fault and the anger went away. The sadness is still there, especially around milestones, like birthdays. However, it doesn't over cloud the love I have for my niece. It's okay to be happy and sad at the same time!
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  • Pain can hit us out of the strangest places. I can totally understand how you feel. Give yourself some time to process what you're feeling then go hold that niece of yours. My nieces are the best thing that ever happened to me. You'll fall in love and you'll become addicted to her. Don't feel bad about how you feel. I think it's completely normal. Hang in there! Sending hugs!!!
  • I completely understand how you feel. I too loss my boy at 22 weeks, my best friend and I were pregnant at the same time, she went on with an uneventful pregnancy and gave birth to my beautiful goddaughter Daniela. I went to see her at the hospital and I plastered on a happy face but as soon as I got it my car tears started pouring out of me, I didn't see my friend or the baby again for a good 4 months because I just couldn't handle being around them, so many mixed emotions of happiness and joy for her and anger and sadness for what had happened to me. I can tell you you will feel better about it, once you've made peace with yourself, it still hurts me a little to see her but I love that little girl to pieces, the love I have for her surpasses the pain I feel for losing my son and I'm sure you'll eventually get there. Hugs. 
    I'm 29, husband is 30
    Together since 2006
    Married 01.17.15  <3

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers 

  • Aw honey, I'm so sorry.  This is so, so common.  Don't try and put on a brave face if you can't.  I'm sure she understands.  It's OK to feel sad, angry, hurt, empty and to cry and scream.  It's also OK to keep your distance until you feel ready.  Don't force it <3 
  • Thank you so much for your responses everyone. <3<3 

    A

    2010: son born 9/1 

    2013: 2 miscarriages + d&cs, both at 10 weeks: April & July

    2014: son #2 born 6/29

    2016: Baby girl stillborn at 21w6d 4/29 and baby boy stillborn at 20w 3d 11/16

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