Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

In laws being obnoxious rant

Hello! I recently had to have my left tube removed after 2 shots of mtx treatment. The growth was clotting and leaking blood, it was just becoming a mess inside, so I was more than happy to just take the entire thing out. Obviously I'm not happy this happened, but I'm happy to have this thing done with after weeks and weeks of this on going torture. With that said, my family and my inlaws knew what was going on and knew there was a slight possibility of me going into surgery. All my inlaws had plans already a while back to fly out of the country on vacation for a family event. One of them is going on the way to Italy. I am fine with all of it. I'd actually prefer them all gone while I'm going through this hard time. The less people to see me this way the better. Anyway, that's the background story. My mother Inlaw calls me post surgery and says oh!! We went to the event it was a huge party, how are you feeling?? We are thinking about you all the time. I'm like ok I'm great! Everything's fine- "I'm jumping through hoops". Then, my sister in law text me, not call, text- hey!! Just got back from the beach! It's so nice here! Going on Saturday to Italy!! Went to the event yesterday(All that is missing from her sentance was a yahoo!!)How are you feeling? we're thinking about you all the time. . Ugh, I don't know why this bothers and irritates me so much. I'm sitting most of the time at home recovering. It's summer and nice out. This surgery was almost as bad as my c-section. The most pain I've been through in a long time. So I guess yeah, it bothers me that my inlaws are now rubbing it in extra hard. How would you react to this? All I can think of is- just you wait when I feel better and they are in a bad situation, I'll also talk about getting my hair and nails done, going shopping and shit like that. But the truth is, I'm not like that and I would never do that to anybody, not even my worst enemy. So I don't know, what do you think? How would you respond? Let me know if you have any thoughts on this! Thanks for reading!

Re: In laws being obnoxious rant

  • mjolkmjolk member
    First, I'm sorry for what you had to go through. :(

    It sounds to me like they think this was just a routine ailment, like someone not being able to go to the park because they just broke their leg or got the flu, and that they don't seem to be considering the emotional impact of a loss, if that makes sense? I would be irritated too.
    TW: Loss
    EDD: 1/14/2017 : Blighted Ovum : D&C @ 10w6d

  • @mjolk I think you are absolutely right.
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  • I think mjolk said it perfectly. It sounds like they are not realizing what a big deal this is. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.

    When I lost my son my MIL was not understanding at all. She said things like "You'll be better soon!" and I wanted to just punch her. One day she asked how I was feeling and I said "Really tired since my hemoglobin levels are so low" and she LAUGHED. In-laws just are inappropriate.


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  • Hugs. I would try to limit conversation with them right now. I found I was very sensitive to remarks like, "glad you're feeling better now" or "glad you're forcing yourself to get out the house" right after my loss. I felt really alone in how I was struggling and these remarks kind of out a gloss on things that felt even more alienating. 
    About me:
    /loss mentioned/
    TTC#1 July 2014
    dx: MFI (morphology)
    IUI #1 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Sept. 2015 ~ BFN
    IUI #2 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Halloween 2015 ~ BFN
    IUI #3 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Thanksgiving 2015 ~ BFP!!
    hb 146 bpm at 7w5d
    1/28/16 ~ began to say goodbye to our beautiful baby at 11w 
    d&c, followed by cytotec
    TTCAL April 2016
    IUI #4 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Apr. 2016 ~ BFN
    IUI #5 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ CP
    IUI#6 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ BFN
  • I am so sorry you are going that your in laws are being so insensitive. I think sometime people try to ignore it bc it makes them uncomfortable and some are so self involved that they just don't thnk about. After my loss I talking to my best friend and told her I only cry when I talk about my loss. She then quickly responded with ok we just won't talk about it then. Which hurt bc I felt like I needed to talk about it and she is usually the person I confide in the most other than my dh. 
    Also I understand about struggling with in laws we never told mine about our losses bc they have said a lot of insenitive and hurtful things in the past. I agree with the other that I would try to limit your interactions with them. 
  • Thanks girls! It definitely makes it easier to avoid them now that they are all away on vacation for another week or two
  • First of all, I'm sorry you're going through this but it sounds like you're doing what's best for your body.  Healing thoughts...

    As for your in-laws, I've been going through something similar.  I feel when we are in positions of weakness - be it physical pain, being wronged, being the victim, we feel entitled to extra attention and care RIGHTFULLY SO.  No one can understand the gravity of the situation or how terribly you're feeling and though I don't think this deserves a pass...I get it.  I think it's a combination of not knowing what to say and not understanding just how serious this is and how terribly you feel.  Again, it doesn't make it OK but at least it's not coming from a place of malice or complete ignorance on their part...just a little ignorance :)  I hope that makes some sense!  
  • Yes I agree. This is why I write about it on here, I feel that I am in a safer environment with all of you who understand me. I never thought they do those things out of malicious intent or anything like that, it really is plain ignorance. As I'm slowly getting better now, it bothers me less and less with time. I'm really glad I have a place to talk about my feelings, it definitely helps to feel supported
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