FWIW, the doula who is the head of "To Labor" suggests that if you are unsure of who to have in your delivery room that you only allow those who you would be comfortable having an orgasm in front of. I think this is a bit extreme, so I tell my clients to envision having a conversation while taking a poo on the toilet. Who are you comfortable with?
Oh man, for me that would rule out H! Toilet time=alone time. I know you'll all joke about alone time being over once the baby is here, but I'll hold it until nap time if I need to. I'm pretty determined.
I'm definitely in the minority here. My first and second i had my mom and H, for my third I had my MIL and my brother join the party. My brother is gay and may never have the opportunity to witness the beauty of a baby being born, so why not???
Nobodys head was down in my vagina, I know my mom and H looked when the babes were crowning, but to me, after being pregnant and having babes, all modesty goes out the window. That's totally just my opinion of course!
My dh and my mom. My mom has done it before and as much as I love my dh and know he is there to support me, he has and never will know what if feels like to give birth. Also my dh is a gentleman and I love that but my mom can be a b*tch when needed and I want her there as my advacte to keep out people I do not want like my grandmother and to make sure my wishes are followed.
Definitely just my husband! After my SIL had my little niece, my mom begged me if she could be there for my delivery. This was pre-pregnancy and I just smiled at her. These days, the woman can't say anything without me nearly flipping out at her, and I imagine that only being exacerbated while I'm in labor. I don't have any sisters, only brothers, soooo just the hubby!
Just H same as when I had my daughter. I wouldn't have minded my mom being there but at the time we lived local to both sets of parents and I knew MIL would feel compelled to push her way in. Now that I've been through it I'd still prefer just H and I, plus my mom will be watching my daughter. I love that H's family isn't local this time. I know they won't be here for delivery. Now how do I go about banning them visiting and staying with us the first couple weeks?
Just my SO. With DD my mom just assumed she would be there, too. I had to gently disabuse her of that notion and asked her to come to the hospital the day after the birth. She didn't really understand (but I can help!). I love the woman, but she is definitely not one to keep her cool in a crisis, so no.
Will be doing the solo parent thing for almost up to the birth (SO has to stay in Boston for work, even though DD and I will move end of August). We're going to buy plane tickets for a week before and 2 weeks after the EDD, but the type of tickets where you can change the date without penalty. DD was one week late, hoping this kiddo holds on until the EDD, too
....of course, if LO decides to come early, I'll ask my BFF to jump in. She's a Dr. and we go waaaaay back. No problem showing her the goopy parts of childbirth.
Only my husband. Luckily, my hospital has a rule that visitors can't pop in for visits during labour. I would prefer not to have visitors at all in recovery, but I doubt my family will go for that. So I'll be telling them that if I deliver in the middle of the night, they can wait until the next day to visit. And if it's during the day, they can still wait a few hours. And my parents can either stay in a hotel when they visit or with MIL (they live four hours away), as I will not be hosting them right after delivery. Really not looking forward to having this conversation with them.
Just DH. Unless you were there for the conception, you Dont get to be there for the delivery.
Just an FYI for all those planning on having visitors afterwards...you likely won't get to have many! My hospital and every other one I've heard of has strict visitor restrictions in place during flu season. No kids under 18, and only 2 people get bracelets to be allowed into the L&D unit for the duration. Since I won't choose a second person, and we want our 6 yr old to be the first one to meet him, it will just be DH and I until we get home. Just make sure you know ahead of time because regardless of how many screaming mother in laws they deal with, they will not let anyone not banded it.
@ljoyw_27 I hadn't even thought of that! Both of my girls were born in August so flu season was a non issue. I've attended births in flu season around here and it was never an apparent issue. Hmmm. I guess we will find out closer to!
DD1- Aug11 Angel Baby- June13, said goodbye Oct12 DD2- Aug13 DD3- due Feb17
@ljoyw_27 I hadn't even thought of that! Both of my girls were born in August so flu season was a non issue. I've attended births in flu season around here and it was never an apparent issue. Hmmm. I guess we will find out closer to!
I think it's just some hospitals. My nephew was born in February and my niece was born early March and they gave us no problem visiting after the baby was born.
Beyond laboring and the birth, how 'selfish' is it to limit (cough, possibly prohibit) visitors until we get home?
I understand everyone's excitement, but having somewhat strained relationships with my mom and MIL makes me tense up that their excitement trumps my possible need/want for a calm post birth atmosphere. I've never given birth before, I really have no clue what to expect with labor, birth, recovery, complications, and learning how to BF. Is it horribly wrong of me to assertively say we don't think we can do visitors...unless we feel differently in the moment? Or do a "golden 24" hour rule so we can get our acts together?
Only my husband. Luckily, my hospital has a rule that visitors can't pop in for visits during labour. I would prefer not to have visitors at all in recovery, but I doubt my family will go for that. So I'll be telling them that if I deliver in the middle of the night, they can wait until the next day to visit. And if it's during the day, they can still wait a few hours. And my parents can either stay in a hotel when they visit or with MIL (they live four hours away), as I will not be hosting them right after delivery. Really not looking forward to having this conversation with them.
@TanyaG00 I am having the same anxiety. my ILs are going to want to stay with us (they live 3 states away) and be there for the birth...and I am just not going to have that. Should be a super fun conversation. I'm hoping I'll have the baby a few days early, that way they won't even be here until a few days have passed
@ljoyw_27 I hadn't even thought of that! Both of my girls were born in August so flu season was a non issue. I've attended births in flu season around here and it was never an apparent issue. Hmmm. I guess we will find out closer to!
It may be geographic, I'm in NYS so February is very cold and flu is huge up here. I do know the visitor restrictions are new in the last couple years. We limit visitation to our entire children's hospital and mother/ baby units. Just something to keep in mind!
@ljoyw_27 I hadn't even thought of that! Both of my girls were born in August so flu season was a non issue. I've attended births in flu season around here and it was never an apparent issue. Hmmm. I guess we will find out closer to!
It may be geographic, I'm in NYS so February is very cold and flu is huge up here. I do know the visitor restrictions are new in the last couple years. We limit visitation to our entire children's hospital and mother/ baby units. Just something to keep in mind!
I visited my SIL in North Jersey in early March of this year and we had no problem. There were like 6 of us in the room at once. I think it could just be some hospitals in particular.
I will be so pissed if my daughter can't come visit. Although as long as delivery goes as well as last time I plan on going home ASAP. Staying 48 hours was absolutely pointless last time so maybe it won't be that bad if she can't come.
Just DH - same as last times. With my first, I had 30 hours of labour and a c-section. While I laboured, I had visitors come in/out (with my permission); such as my sister and her husband, my parents, my uncle, my in-laws. Had I started to push, it would have just been my husband. For the c-section, it was just him and oh, 10+ medical staff! I personally loved not having a doula because my husband is shy and we both felt he would have maybe been upstaged. He was so amazing throughout everything. This time, I am hoping for a VBAC.
I will be so pissed if my daughter can't come visit. Although as long as delivery goes as well as last time I plan on going home ASAP. Staying 48 hours was absolutely pointless last time so maybe it won't be that bad if she can't come.
I am already devastated my son won't be able to come visit. Although I understand why, and one upside is it makes it really easy to tell people I Dont want (i.e. my bsc mil) why they can't be there. Last time she sat in the waiting room for 9 hours because she thought I was kidding about her not being allowed in. She finally left at midnight and my son was born at 12:30 ;-)
Just DH, same as the last two times. He did a great job being supportive. Planning on having my mom watch my 2 girls, since she lives close.
4 losses- MC in 2006, MMC in February 2012 at 12 weeks and MMC (twins) August 2016 at 12 weeks. Pregnant again- 11/7/16. Another loss on December 28, 2016.
BFP April 23, 2017. Our triple rainbow baby! EDD: January 2, 2018. It's a boy!
Just DH - same as last times. With my first, I had 30 hours of labour and a c-section. While I laboured, I had visitors come in/out (with my permission); such as my sister and her husband, my parents, my uncle, my in-laws. Had I started to push, it would have just been my husband. For the c-section, it was just him and oh, 10+ medical staff! I personally loved not having a doula because my husband is shy and we both felt he would have maybe been upstaged. He was so amazing throughout everything. This time, I am hoping for a VBAC.
I had an 18 hour labor ending in a C section with my first and had a successful VBAC with my second. My husband acted as my "doula" and was great. Good luck!
4 losses- MC in 2006, MMC in February 2012 at 12 weeks and MMC (twins) August 2016 at 12 weeks. Pregnant again- 11/7/16. Another loss on December 28, 2016.
BFP April 23, 2017. Our triple rainbow baby! EDD: January 2, 2018. It's a boy!
I am on team "need time with the baby before God and everyone comes in my room". Its a new person, our new person, and i would like time to get to know them a little bit before everyone comes in and feels like it is their right to scoop them up. Do you just basically tell everyone before hand, "we need time, come after 24 hours" (or how ever long you feel appropriate)? I know it will hurt some feelings and ruffle some feathers but I know I'm not going to want to share the baby an hour after he/she comes into the world.
Beyond laboring and the birth, how 'selfish' is it to limit (cough, possibly prohibit) visitors until we get home?
I understand everyone's excitement, but having somewhat strained relationships with my mom and MIL makes me tense up that their excitement trumps my possible need/want for a calm post birth atmosphere. I've never given birth before, I really have no clue what to expect with labor, birth, recovery, complications, and learning how to BF. Is it horribly wrong of me to assertively say we don't think we can do visitors...unless we feel differently in the moment? Or do a "golden 24" hour rule so we can get our acts together?
I don't think it's selfish at all - in fact, I'm seriously considering doing the same thing. I don't think I would mind my parents or my sister coming to the hospital, but my ILs are just exhausting humans. They practically expect me to sing and dance for them, and I'm just not dealing with that. The idea of them hovering over me makes my skin crawl.
I have not even begun to think about how I'm going to drop the bomb that they are not welcome to stay with us when they come down to see the baby. They usually stay with us for several days over Christmas, and I'm going to try my damnedest to get out of that one. I can't imagine playing hostess while almost 8 months pregnant.
Anyway, I digress. I think your reasons are totally valid. A "golden 24 hour" rule sounds fine. I might even push for a "golden week."
With my first I had my husband, mom and mother in law there. I'm not sure this time as someone will be watching my little guy. I'm guessing it will be my husband and Mom.
Just me and SO. My mom and step mom are very pushy and made the whole surgery/bonding/ post partum time pretty nightmarish. I will not let that happen again.
Honestly I'm one of those people who didn't want anyone in there except my doctor! It was just so personal the first go around that I didn't want my husband to see me struggle or to see me... well you can imagine lol I ended up having a C section so my husband did come in the operating room with me and took pictures of everything. It was a comfort to have him at that point because I was terrified and couldn't hold my baby. I could hear my little one crying and I knew my husband was right there the whole time with him. But even after I got stitched up I sent everyone home. I had to breast feed right after and that's not something you want random people seeing. You should think about those things before inviting people. I was all hyped up from the drugs and then I wanted to crash. I was overjoyed about my son and full of love for him that I didn't want to share with anyone else for awhile lol After we got home I let people come visit us once we got settled. I liked the intimacy of my little family last time and I plan on doing that for this one too.
I'm actually already worrying about this. With DD I had H and my mom, and honestly if my mom hadn't been there I'd have been just as well off alone! I warned H not to get butthurt and pouty (I swear he's the girl in our relationship!) if I asked him to stop doing something. Sure enough, he came back from roaming the halls while I was laboring and tried to rub my back, I asked him to please stop, he got pissy and disappeared until it was time to push... And then he literally stared at the wall and didn't say a single word!
Needless to say, I'd like for my mom to be there again, but the there's the issue of who will watch DD... I 210% do NOT trust my ILs with her! My sister lives 3 hours away, if she happens to make it early enough I'd leave DD with her, otherwise I'm guessing my mom will watch her and it will be just me and H in delivery. Soooo basically me, the nurse, and the MW...
it was only DH for DD (which ended in a c section) and it will only be DH this time around, too.
I didnt even let family wait at the hospital. I would have felt pressure during labor because they were there waiting.
Last I had my parents come to the hospital when I went in for my c section, because I was pretty upset, but this time I will probably just ask them to wait til later in the day when I am in my recovery room. My parents were the only ones to visit in the hospital. They were great and only visited for about 30 minutes two times (day of delivery and the next day).
Last time, my Inlaws came to stay with us as soon as we got home from the hospital. While having them there to help cook and clean because I was struggling because of a really long labor and the c section, I do not want them to come til the baby is one week old this time. With my DD, my mom had just gotten out of the hospital days prior to DDs birth where she had spent over a month with various surgeries to address hernia repair complications. She wasn't able to help. This time around, I want her to come help as we need it. My Inlaws made breastfeeding very stressful on me and I think this is one of the reasons we were not successful past two months with my DD. I started supplementing way too early in the process because they commented all the time on how DD was dehydrated and not getting enough to eat, despite having regained to her birth weight within 5 days of birth being exclusively breast fed.
With DS, I had my H and my mom (+about 5 medical professionals). I'm not sure this time Bc I'm not sure what we're gonna do with DS... We'll probably make a couple of plans, depending on the circumstances - ex. If it happens in the middle of the night, during the school day, etc.
Oh man, I have so many people who expect to be there. I don't even know how big delivery rooms are. My DH is a definite, but all the grandparents want to be there too, and that's like four extra people. Not to mention I have a friend who insists she's going to be in the delivery room with me, and not to sound like a heinous b****, but I really don't want here there. She once told me she'd never be happy for me if I had a baby because she's had like six miscarriages. Not exactly a shining light of positivity there. I think what I might end up doing is just having family in the waiting room, but DH in the birthing room with me, it's the only thing that would make sense to me.
Same as last time-whoever can come into the room unless I am getting checked before the main event, then it will be just hubby and me. At our hospital, my room turns into the delivery room so we let our parents come in and out while I was waiting for my pitocin to work (read: dealing with miserable contractions and not dilating at all). Thankfully, they knew how tired I was and sat on the other side of the room reading and refilling my water for me.
Oh man, I have so many people who expect to be there. I don't even know how big delivery rooms are. My DH is a definite, but all the grandparents want to be there too, and that's like four extra people. Not to mention I have a friend who insists she's going to be in the delivery room with me, and not to sound like a heinous b****, but I really don't want here there. She once told me she'd never be happy for me if I had a baby because she's had like six miscarriages. Not exactly a shining light of positivity there. I think what I might end up doing is just having family in the waiting room, but DH in the birthing room with me, it's the only thing that would make sense to me.
That does not make you sound like a heinous anything. That makes you sound like a normal human being who doesn't want negative influences hanging around on one of the most important days of her life.
I'm so sorry to hear that your friend has had such a hard time, but it sounds like she'd be just about the worst person to have in the delivery room. Personally, I'd be inclined to immediately ban anyone who "insists" on being there, as if they have any right to insist on ANYTHING. I wouldn't blame you for wanting to shut that ish down post haste.
Oh man, I have so many people who expect to be there. I don't even know how big delivery rooms are. My DH is a definite, but all the grandparents want to be there too, and that's like four extra people. Not to mention I have a friend who insists she's going to be in the delivery room with me, and not to sound like a heinous b****, but I really don't want here there. She once told me she'd never be happy for me if I had a baby because she's had like six miscarriages. Not exactly a shining light of positivity there. I think what I might end up doing is just having family in the waiting room, but DH in the birthing room with me, it's the only thing that would make sense to me.
Oh honey, that sounds heinous. If I were you I would put my foot down and have just your H in the delivery room. If you don't want to do it, your nurses will do it for you. But I see nothing wrong with stating multiple times how excited you guys are to have people come visit after baby is here. This day is about you, your dh, and your new little one. Its a really special time you won't be able to get back, I would be careful who you share it with, and Dont feel forced to let people in.
My H and my Mom. That's who was with me last time and it was perfect. My H almost passed out so it was really nice to have my mom there. Plus my Mom is the best person to have around in any tense situation because she has such a calming presence.
And honestly by the time my son was coming out I didn't really care who was looking lol
Re: Delivery Room- Who Will Be There?
Nobodys head was down in my vagina, I know my mom and H looked when the babes were crowning, but to me, after being pregnant and having babes, all modesty goes out the window. That's totally just my opinion of course!
Married to my Soul Mate since 09/06/09
Now that I've been through it I'd still prefer just H and I, plus my mom will be watching my daughter. I love that H's family isn't local this time. I know they won't be here for delivery. Now how do I go about banning them visiting and staying with us the first couple weeks?
I might let the kid come if she expresses interest. I figure viewing childbirth is a pretty good incentive to use birth control!
Will be doing the solo parent thing for almost up to the birth (SO has to stay in Boston for work, even though DD and I will move end of August). We're going to buy plane tickets for a week before and 2 weeks after the EDD, but the type of tickets where you can change the date without penalty. DD was one week late, hoping this kiddo holds on until the EDD, too
....of course, if LO decides to come early, I'll ask my BFF to jump in. She's a Dr. and we go waaaaay back. No problem showing her the goopy parts of childbirth.
Just an FYI for all those planning on having visitors afterwards...you likely won't get to have many! My hospital and every other one I've heard of has strict visitor restrictions in place during flu season. No kids under 18, and only 2 people get bracelets to be allowed into the L&D unit for the duration. Since I won't choose a second person, and we want our 6 yr old to be the first one to meet him, it will just be DH and I until we get home. Just make sure you know ahead of time because regardless of how many screaming mother in laws they deal with, they will not let anyone not banded it.
TTC since January 2016
BFP - 3/12/16 - MC 4/5/16
BFP - 6/11/16
I understand everyone's excitement, but having somewhat strained relationships with my mom and MIL makes me tense up that their excitement trumps my possible need/want for a calm post birth atmosphere. I've never given birth before, I really have no clue what to expect with labor, birth, recovery, complications, and learning how to BF. Is it horribly wrong of me to assertively say we don't think we can do visitors...unless we feel differently in the moment? Or do a "golden 24" hour rule so we can get our acts together?
@TanyaG00 I am having the same anxiety. my ILs are going to want to stay with us (they live 3 states away) and be there for the birth...and I am just not going to have that. Should be a super fun conversation. I'm hoping I'll have the baby a few days early, that way they won't even be here until a few days have passed
ME: 25, DH: 27
TTC #1 since 09/2015
Miscarriage @ 10 wks 02/28/2016
BFP 05/28/2016!
With my first, I had H and my mom. Which was fine with me.
First BFP: 12/16/13
EDD: 08/23/14
Baby BOY born: 08/29/14
You and your H deserve to have the time you want with your own child, uninterrupted, until you are ready.
Big Bro 7/14/13
Little Bro 2/6/17
TTC since January 2016
BFP - 3/12/16 - MC 4/5/16
BFP - 6/11/16
Plus what @ljoyw_27 said about flu season might soften the blow. I'm due late January and the flu rips through Minnesota like a plague every year
Last time she sat in the waiting room for 9 hours because she thought I was kidding about her not being allowed in. She finally left at midnight and my son was born at 12:30 ;-)
4 losses- MC in 2006, MMC in February 2012 at 12 weeks and MMC (twins) August 2016 at 12 weeks. Pregnant again- 11/7/16. Another loss on December 28, 2016.
BFP April 23, 2017. Our triple rainbow baby! EDD: January 2, 2018. It's a boy!
4 losses- MC in 2006, MMC in February 2012 at 12 weeks and MMC (twins) August 2016 at 12 weeks. Pregnant again- 11/7/16. Another loss on December 28, 2016.
BFP April 23, 2017. Our triple rainbow baby! EDD: January 2, 2018. It's a boy!
I have not even begun to think about how I'm going to drop the bomb that they are not welcome to stay with us when they come down to see the baby. They usually stay with us for several days over Christmas, and I'm going to try my damnedest to get out of that one. I can't imagine playing hostess while almost 8 months pregnant.
Anyway, I digress. I think your reasons are totally valid. A "golden 24 hour" rule sounds fine. I might even push for a "golden week."
Samuel Jacob
Due 2/16/17
Needless to say, I'd like for my mom to be there again, but the there's the issue of who will watch DD... I 210% do NOT trust my ILs with her! My sister lives 3 hours away, if she happens to make it early enough I'd leave DD with her, otherwise I'm guessing my mom will watch her and it will be just me and H in delivery. Soooo basically me, the nurse, and the MW...
I didnt even let family wait at the hospital. I would have felt pressure during labor because they were there waiting.
Last I had my parents come to the hospital when I went in for my c section, because I was pretty upset, but this time I will probably just ask them to wait til later in the day when I am in my recovery room. My parents were the only ones to visit in the hospital. They were great and only visited for about 30 minutes two times (day of delivery and the next day).
Last time, my Inlaws came to stay with us as soon as we got home from the hospital. While having them there to help cook and clean because I was struggling because of a really long labor and the c section, I do not want them to come til the baby is one week old this time. With my DD, my mom had just gotten out of the hospital days prior to DDs birth where she had spent over a month with various surgeries to address hernia repair complications. She wasn't able to help. This time around, I want her to come help as we need it. My Inlaws made breastfeeding very stressful on me and I think this is one of the reasons we were not successful past two months with my DD. I started supplementing way too early in the process because they commented all the time on how DD was dehydrated and not getting enough to eat, despite having regained to her birth weight within 5 days of birth being exclusively breast fed.
I'm so sorry to hear that your friend has had such a hard time, but it sounds like she'd be just about the worst person to have in the delivery room. Personally, I'd be inclined to immediately ban anyone who "insists" on being there, as if they have any right to insist on ANYTHING. I wouldn't blame you for wanting to shut that ish down post haste.
And honestly by the time my son was coming out I didn't really care who was looking lol