NBR: Drug Addicted Father/Visitation — The Bump
September 2015 Moms

NBR: Drug Addicted Father/Visitation

I haven't posted on here in a while but I really need some opinions.

I shared my story on here when my son was first born: I am a single mom, I work part time and spend all my free time studying to get my teaching license. I had to move back in with my parents while pregnant, and my son's father doesn't contribute financially and would constantly blow off his visitation schedule we had worked out between us. 

Fastforward to a few weeks ago, I was looking over one of my credit card statements and came to find out he got a hold of my credit card number when we lived together and charged thousands of dollars. A week later he admitted to me his is addicted to drugs and has spent all his money on pills instead of his son.

I told him he needed to get help (like rehab or some type of drug treatment program) and then I would let him see his son, supervised visits of course. He made 1 appointment with a behavioral therapist for "anxiety" and expected to be able to take his son alone that weekend following. I told him since he is taking steps in right direction (very very small steps) I would meet up with him for an hour at the local park to see his son. He showed up with nothing for the baby but had a new cellphone. 

I really don't want to be around him because he stole from me and he is just a crappy person in general, so my parents have graciously offered to being the baby to the park for an hour on Saturday mornings to see him. I don't think I should have to let him see his son at all since he is not getting help and has admitted to being addicted to drugs, But I have settled on this park visit once a week. His family and some of our mutual friends have reached out to me telling me that it's unfair I am keeping the baby from him and I should let him visit more with his son. I don't think I am being unreasonable at all, seeing as this person can not pay child support but meanwhile has been stealing from me, and also is admittedly a drug addict who refuses to get help. Am I wrong here? What would you do? Honestly just looking for opinions. Sorry this is so long.

Re: NBR: Drug Addicted Father/Visitation

  • I don't think you are wrong at all. If it were me, I wouldn't let him anywhere near the baby until he is clean, has paid you back for what he stole, and is ready to be a good father and that includes helping to support his son financially.

    The baby comes first, not your ex and not his family who thinks he should be able to see his son. You are protecting your son by keeping him away
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  • cmlsucmlsu member
    I actually think you have the right plan right now. It's smart to insist on supervised visits. It's smart to take yourself out of the equation and let your family members supervise as long as they are willing. I would strongly suggest to talk to a family lawyer in your area and get a jump on protecting yourself. Sorry you're dealing with this! 
    vibarra27JenLovesDesignElleMF728
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  • J1DJ1D member
    I wouldn't let him anywhere near the baby. If you have full custody, you don't have to. If his friends and family whine about it just tell them you'll be more than happy to let him have visitations once he is off of drugs.

    If you continue to be gracious and kind and allow visits I 100% agree they need to be in public places, supervised, for a limited timespan and you shouldn't be there. He needs to come to see his baby because he wants to see his baby, not because he's hoping to chat with you. I would not, at all, ever, let him see the baby unsupervised.

    As far as child support is concerned if you can get it, I would, but I wouldn't deny a child time with their father based on him not paying child support. Cause it's not the baby's fault daddy's a deadbeat.  I most certainly would though deny a drug addict access to my child cause he could very well be dangerous.
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  • I don't think you are wrong at all. I don't think he should have any contact until he is completely off drugs. 
  • You should file a police report for the money he stole from you then he will go to jail and have to get clean.   That's the tough love route, but may be better for him in the long run.   
    ElleMF728mrsmctaggart6vibarra27
  • Thank you for your opinions, just wanted to make sure I wasn't crazy because his family is making me feel like a raging b*tch for keeping the baby away from his father, when in reality I'm just trying to protect him I could never forgive myself if something happened to my child in his care.

    @JenLovesDesign I have thought about pursuing charges, luckily the fraudulent charges were refunded to me pretty quickly, but you're right if he went to jail it would (hopefully) force him to get clean since he doesn't have the desire to right now.
  • You are doing everything right.  Keep up the great work!  And if you feel threatened, unhappy or anxious about these visits, go ahead and cancel. You don't owe him anything.  
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  • You're being a heck of a lot nicer than I would be. Maybe his parents should focus their efforts on getting help for their son instead of making you feel like a bitch. 

    If if you're comfortable with the visits, good on ya. But when baby gets older, I'd be more careful . Ie- if his grandparents say bad things about you when he's around and can understand. 

    Good luck
  • You should file a police report for the money he stole from you then he will go to jail and have to get clean.   That's the tough love route, but may be better for him in the long run.   
    I was going to say this same thing.
    Addiction is a horrible, awful disease that hurts entire families. It is found in all socioeconomic status levels. I'm so sorry this is happening. I would absolutely stand your ground on zero supervised visits until he can be clean and pass drug tests. Until then, he will just have to love LO from a far, safe distance. Hugs to you, Momma!!!!
  • melanie2244melanie2244 member
    edited March 17
    I also think you made the right decision. I wouldn't allow a person addicted to drugs to spend time with my son alone. Speaking about money, is it possible to close access to your credit cards? Addiction is a thing that concerns not only an addict, but also his family and friends. It is great that your son's father takes efforts to quit, but it is a difficult task. In case you will need help or have questions, there exist special drug and alcohol hotlines https://addictionresource.com/addiction-and-rehab-hotlines/ . Maybe this info will be useful for you. Good luck!
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