Monday Bitchfest 6/6 - Page 2 — The Bump
December 2016 Moms

Monday Bitchfest 6/6

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Re: Monday Bitchfest 6/6

  • @LinziLoo09 maybe try keeping a count going. Like every visit or conversation count out loud every time she asks a question about him. It's not the same, but that is how we broke my sister of 'like'. It might help point out how often she is focused on your dad, and that it is an unhealthy fixation.


    Formerly known as Kate08young
    August '18 Siggy April Showers:






    Me: 28 H: 24
    Married: 7/22/14
    Baby L: 8/4/2015  August 2015 Moms
    Baby E: 11/18/2016   December 2016 Moms
    TTC #3 08/2017  BFP 11/27/2017. 
    Twin B lost 11/22/2017, Twin A doing well. 


    LinziLoo09
  • Good idea @Kate08Young !
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  • Removable pads on tops are ridiculous. Sew them in or design the top to not need them. The removable pads just shift around and fall out in the wash.
    This! In sports bras. I have lost hours of my life restuffing for my bras. Not to mention they take after socks in the dryer... One pad always seems to get eaten up. 
  • allicat89 said:
    Terrifying FTM's seems to be the local sport in my area. When I tell people we're having a baby, 90% of the time the reaction is this: "Congrats! You will never sleep again, and you will never see your friends again, and you will never have sex again, and the baby will cry constantly, and you will be stressed out and unhappy all the time. We are so excited for you!" 

    In all honesty I slept SO WELL and so deeply after baby was born, especially after the impossible task of finding sleep in the third trimester. Even if it is in 2-5 hour spurts between feelings it is GOOD sleep.

    Also, I have WAY more of a social life now, but that could be because life has slowed down substantially since I finished work and chose to be a SAHM and most of my friends and family are also SAHMs. We have so many play dates and gatherings.

    I get SO annoyed at all of the negative things people tell pregnant women regarding "just wait until baby is here..."
  • edited June 2016
    @LinziLoo09 man, that's a tough situation. I'm so sorry your mom is being so difficult in all of this. Family dynamics are hard enough as it is, but adding divorce/abuse/trauma/contention etc... certainly doesn't help anything. I hope she's able to truly heal through therapy and that you and DH are able to assert and maintain healthy boundaries for your family. 
    We have different family quirks, but I can relate to a lot of what you're dealing with with your mom. We've had loads of hard conversations but when a person is so stuck in that "victim mentality" it's hard for them to receive/hear anything positive. They manipulate and twist words and scenarios to enforce this idea that they are justified in their words and actions. My mom likes to even do this with our DD and I think she's totally unaware she's doing it. It's this deep need to feel the most needed and like she's the favorite. 
    Im glad that you and your H seem to be on the same page with all of this.. I'm sure you're well aware you've likely got a long road ahead, but never feel guilty for maintaining the health and sanity of your little family first. Hugs, momma. 


    LinziLoo09
  • I am so sorry @LinziLoo09 how awful. My mom behaves similar about my dad and it annoys me even though I don't like my dad or care to spend time with him. I can't imagine how I would feel if I had a good relationship with him. I hope your mom comes around. Creepy internet hugs 
    LinziLoo09
  • Thank you all for tolerating my vent last night ladies! I greatly appreciate your support! Hopefully I can plan a talk with my mom...when she's ready to speak to me again apparently...and we can sort some of this out.
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    em01092Christinaruth74
  • @LinziLoo09 - I'm sorry you're going through this.  It's really tough when you have 2 parents that you love but they can't even seem to respect each other or your relationship.  My parents are divorced and my dad is remarried.  My mom can't stand my stepmother, to the point that at family functions, WHEN THEY ARE PRESENT but *possibly* out of ear shot, my mom will make obnoxious comments about my stepmother and roll her eyes, etc.  It's really embarrassing.  I don't particularly like my stepmother because I think she's a bit of an airhead, but she's not mean and she never did anything to my mom, and neither did my dad.  Some days I want to scream at my mom "You married him, you had kids with him, you divorced him.  This is your fault.  Shut up."  She seems to have no insight into the fact that no one else thinks her behavior is funny. 
    LinziLoo09
  • Oh man - I feel for you. I also feel for your mom too. I also have had a peacekeeping role in my family... Like you, I feel like it's something I've got to buck up and endure so that my kids can have a simple relationship with their grandparents. I hope this gets easier for you. I'm not sure what, if anything, would help your mother not dwell on your daughter's relationship with her grandfather... Hopefully at some point she'll trust that you and DH will absolutely not let that relationship get unhealthy because there is certainly no chance she'll trust your dad in that.
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    LinziLoo09
  • Oh, @LinziLoo09 sounds like we have very similar mothers and fathers, though my dad still drinks heavily and does some of the emotional stuff. My mom never got over it either, though she's been remarried and with my step dad for like 16 years. I still get guilt trips and stuff too though I've reconciled with my dad a bit. He walked me down the aisle at my wedding and that about caused world war 3 with my mother. So hugs and solidarity. If you want to talk, pm me, because, girl, can I relate.
    November D16  Siggy Challenge-Thanksgiving Fails





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    LinziLoo09
  • @LinziLoo09  I am so sorry that is happening to you. It sucks when families are pulled in different directions, for any reason. Your mom seems very sensitive, and it sounds like she is struggling to come to terms with some of her faults. Reminds me of my MIL.

    Maybe I missed something, but I'm still trying to process why she freaked out so much about the whole doctor thing. Would she have been the one taking her to the appointment? Because given the tension between her and your dad, it seems like she'd be happy that DD wouldn't be seeing your father.  I guess sometimes these things don't always have an explanation. 
    December 2016 August Siggy Challenge: Embarrassing Back to School Pics

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  • beff12beff12 member
    @LinziLoo09 I'm sorry, that sounds so stressful. I hope she comes around soon and acts mature and that you guys can talk about things. 

    June Siggy Challenge: Dad Fails

    Married 7.28.2012
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    LinziLoo09
  • @LinziLoo09 Difficult situation for sure. My MIL acts that way towards DH's dad, except she was the abuser. His dad cheated...and while I don't condone cheating...I can absolutely understand why he did it. I honestly love his new (ok, they've been married 10 years now lol) wife. She is so kind and emotionally intelligent. 

    Anyway, whenever we go to visit, MIL always, always, always is constantly putting down FIL. She gets upset that we go visit him and actually have fun. I'm surprised she hasn't said anything to me to the effect of: "Don't ever let him or THAT WOMAN near MY grandbaby!" but I know it's just a matter of time. 

    In your mom's case, I can understand the struggle that she is facing. It would be hard for me, too, if I was in her shoes. But holding on to that stuff is exhausting...and you are adult enough to know healthy boundaries. I don't really have advice. With my MIL we pretty much stopped talking to her because of her behavior, but again, she was the abuser. In your mom's case, it doesn't seem as black and white. My sympathies are with you--abuse, and especially healing and reestablishing relationships is never easy.
    LinziLoo09
  • @em01092 I don't think she trusts my dad as a physician, and I think she's paranoid about him having influence over anything in our lives.

    @jenlynne0624 I was actually fortunate in that my parents were nice for the wedding. I had them both walk me down the aisle as a compromise. That said, whenever my mom is around my dad, she tries to make him super uncomfortable by making inappropriate sarcastic comments to him. And then she brags about it later to us...and still doesn't get that this is inappropriate.

    Though DH had mentioned it in passing previously, last night he told me that nearly every time he is alone with my mom, she goes on long rants to tell him about every terrible thing my dad did during the divorce. Then she follows it with "Don't tell L I told you this." So I'm extra infuriated that she would ask DH to keep anything from me. It's not like she's encouraging a healthy marriage there. 

    Sidenote, I tried calling her this morning to see how she was doing, but she is not accepting my calls...
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  • allicat89allicat89 member
    edited June 2016
    @OliveP27  and @LinziLoo09 and @bailando.bebe  Thank you for the kind comments! I loved reading about how you have enjoyed motherhood. It warms my heart and makes me so excited for December  :) 

    @LinziLoo09 Ugh! That whole situation seems stressful! I wish I had some good advice for you, but it sounds like you're doing everything right (keeping calm, not giving into the drama, setting boundaries etc). Hopefully things will cool down soon.

    LinziLoo09
  • If there is any consolation @LinziLoo09 - my mom does not have an ounce of adult in her either! It continues to shock me.
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    em01092LinziLoo09
  • jazzminleejazzminlee member
    edited June 2016
    My DD shared her virus with me and ended up with a ear infection which caused a mirgraine so bad my right eye is unable to be opened. My DH gets home from work and I am resting and gets huffy and short with me. Just what I freaking need. I sent him to his mothers for dinner. Acts like a freaking 5 year old.
    KatBH
  • I've been creeping on this thread, hello everyone....

    I also have a DM who is controllong and gets the victim mentality. I think it's important to de-escalate and simply explain, "when you do this it makes me Feel this" and be firm! Do not back down because your feelings are valuable. Then repeat, de-escalate and re-explain with an example of a appropriate version of what could have happened. I try to teach people how to treat me. If they still don't listen to how you feel maybe have a relative talk to them or explain how you're feeling to their SO. Sometimes getting another family member in the mix shows that you are serious. In my case, I had my dad talk to my mom when we were fighting. But a sibling might work too.

    My DM is also very controlling and IMO it is a form of manipulation and can lead to abuse in my experience... So it is important that I not indulge certain people who play the victim.

    Sometimes a little cold treatment helps reinforce what you've said, but only if things are abusive IMO. (For ex. If the argument is one sided and your feelings are not acknowledged)

    Fighting with your mom is the worst when your pregnant, but it is important that people treat you how you how you ought to be treated.

    Underneath it, your mom obviously loves you a lot.. good luck




    Me: 35 Husband: 40
    TTC #2: Jan 2019
     DS: 2.5 yo 
     EDD: 12/2/16 DOB: 10/22/16
    (Previously MBS2016 Dec 2016 board
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    LinziLoo09
  • whitneyp26whitneyp26 member
    edited June 2016
    @LinziLoo09 I feel sorry for your mom. I'm going through a custody battle with my first sons dad. He's an abusive pig mentally, physically, verbally, and he's absolutely ruined my life. He's turning my son into a version of himself. He is a complete psychopath, like my life is a lifetime movie because of him, and I will NEVER believe he has changed. Hes already convinced my son he is God and im just whatever. I wont ever be able
    to feel normal and completely happy because of him. I imagine that's how your mom feels. And i
    understand why she would worry. But she really
    needs to let go and trust you as a parent. Your father is grandpa, he's not raising your kids, and he's not going to have the impact on them
    he had on you and your mom. She needs to
    know that she's going to end up
    alienating herself if she doesn't start trying to
    act normal. I would try to make sure she knows she is special and whatever relationship your dad has with you and your kids, that won't affect her if she doesn't let it. I'm sure she is scared. I hope
    you guys can work it out. 
  • @whitneyp26 That's the difficult thing is that I get it to an extent. But it's so frustrating having to be the adult in the relationship with your mom and getting this unnecessary guilt. Oh well. Thank you for your advice and support!
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