Benched/TTA Check in 5/31

Sugargirl1019

***General TW that this thread can and will mention MC and loss.*** This is a place for those of us who have already started TTC, but have hit a roadblock and are delaying for whatever reason. You can express your thoughts, feelings, and frustrations on not TTC and connect with others who are in the same boat. TTC can be a long journey, and having to wait makes it feel even longer- even if it is for a good reason. Feel free to resurrect this thread at any point in the week if you have something to say, and treat this like an ongoing conversation. Benched = involuntarily not NTNP/TTC and are "out of the game," usually due to medical reasons TTA = avoiding pregnancy by using protection or FAM, usually for non-health-related reasons __________________________________________________________________ 
 Are you benched or TTA? 

 What brings you here? 

 How long do you think you'll be here? 

 How have things been going? 

 Any R/R/CS? 

 GTKY: When do you feel the most confident and why?

Sugargirl1019

Are you benched or TTA? Benched

 What brings you here? MMC on 5/5, D&C 5/11

How long do you think you'll be here? Hopefully less than 2 weeks now.. FX waiting on AF.

 How have things been going? Okay. I still get sad, a lot, as I see 9000 new pregnancy announcements on Fb, and I'm like it should have been me..
I would like to make a post about our miscarriage, and share it 1) to bring attention to miscarriages and that it shouldn't have to be a secret and to give meaning to the emotions felt during it, and 2) to not let our baby go unknown. I'm afraid it's too much of a AW woe is me post though, and I'm so focused on that recently it's crazy. But maybe it only is my desire to show everyone Look we were pregnant here's our cute ultrasound but now we're not.. And DH thinks it should be hidden and not discussed because "it would be weird when we got pregnant a month after announcing a miscarriage". Thanks for your confidence.

 Any R/R/CS? I've been temping, and I thought I'd get my period when my temps hit the number I usually get my period at, but no. Boo. I was so excited to see if that would correlate.

 GTKY: When do you feel the most confident and why? When I have makeup on and new clothes and heels and DH looks at me like I'm the most beautiful person in the world. It makes me be very forward sexually towards him (I'm not sure if he really likes that though!) But I feel good and like I can do anything if he thinks the best of me. I probably should have an answer like " I'm most confident when I care for people!.." But this is more true.

kiwi2628

I have been on and off here for the past year, mostly off since stalking this when we have been TTA so long makes me sad, but, I am gonna post here because as of today, we are 3 months out from TTC, and it looks like its not going to change (again), or get pushed back (again) or anything. Sooooo hey!

 Are you benched or TTA? TTA

 What brings you here? Waiting until August/September because my husband gets raises/bonus in May, so it would be the earliest we would financially feel comfortable starting.

 How long do you think you'll be here? Until Aug. 31st. Why then? Well, based on past periods that is when I will be in my fertile window in August (I have been temping as NFP on and off for 6 years, and intermittantly using OPKs- my body is pretty solid) and it will be 2 weeks before we go on our babymoon, which was when we were officially going to start, but now it looks like I will have my period during babymoon, because fuck me, so now we are going to start in the window prior to our trip

 How have things been going? I am not getting excited because we have pushed it back SO MANY TIMES that I am still skeptical

 Any R/R/CS? Not about TTC/TTA. We just bought our first home last week so there are a LOT of rants there, but I will save that

 GTKY: When do you feel the most confident and why? At work. When I a able to correctly diagnose and manage a difficult medical problem, I feel smart as hell

@Sugargirl1019 - So sorry about the MC. I can tell you if it were me, I think I would announce it, but thats me and my comfort level

mtmama2

Are you benched or TTA? TTA

What brings you here? We vacationed somewhere with active ZIKA virus

How long do you think you'll be here? 7 more weeks...hopefully? I'm having a consult with my OB this morning and it sounds like she wants us to be out for the full 6 months even though the CDC said we only need to wait that long if DH actually got the virus. DH hasn't had any symptoms and they said it is really difficult to do a blood test if he doesn't have symptoms so idk why she would want us to wait so long!

 How have things been going? I have been fine with the idea of waiting 7 more weeks, but waiting 6 months is not going to sit well with me! 

 Any R/R/CS? See above rant about TTA time

 GTKY: When do you feel the most confident and why? After a long run or a race! I always feel sexy and strong when I'm done (and showered!)

@Sugargirl1019 FWIW I have seen others post announcements regarding MC before and when they were well written I thought it was beautiful and powerful

@kiwi2628 Welcome back and congrats on the new house! Yay for having a timeline on starting TTC!

Edited because TB ate my words

juliebeannn

I'm officially off the bench! We BD for the first time last night since my back went out and NO PAIN! It was amazing!  Thanks for the support the last month or so! I hope to see you ladies off the bench soon too!!!

kiwi2628

@SienaC - 6 months?? God, last I read it was only 3 months. Shoot, my H and I were in Mexico at the beginning of this month. Eff that- neither one of us had a single bug bite and August 31st will be 4 months out from Mexico. I am not pushing it back any more for something that they honestly don't know diddly about.

katiegeminimoon

@Sugargirl1019 I also want to post something, but I don't know what to say. I'm not sure how DH would feel about it either.

@juliebeannn Congrats! That's awesome  

Are you benched or TTA? TTA

 What brings you here? MC 3/21. Cycles have been 100% normal since then, now just waiting on short term disability to be available for any future maternity leave.

 How long do you think you'll be here? A couple more weeks.

 How have things been going? Better. I am handling other people pregnancies a little better. I am still not up for being around pregnant SIL though.

 Any R/R/CS? I hate waiting, I am not a patient person. Plus DH's birthday is this Friday, and I should be ovulating, so that blows.

 GTKY: When do you feel the most confident and why? When something I made/cooked/created turns out how I wanted/impresses people. I may be a bit of a narcissist

ETA bold words. I hate when the question and answer font are the same.

KirstinH88

Lurker from the WTO board.

@Sugargirl1019 and @ktcakes87 I understand the struggle. I had a MC in March. Specifically, the day after my birthday. On my birthday, I told everyone (close family) that I was expecting and my dad opened his big mouth and posted something on FB AND tagged me in it. Since he did that, I felt like I had to make a formal announcement since people were sending me questions and congratulations. The next morning I miscarried. I did not post right away what I was dealing with. I needed time to process and heal on my own and with DH. But since I did come out and post that I was pregnant, I felt like I needed to clear that air. I made a post regarding my MC on FB about 2-3 weeks later. The amount of support and encouragement was amazing. It is definitely a very taboo topic and people do not talk about it. But once you open those doors, you will hear stories from friends that you never knew even experienced it.

katiegeminimoon

KirstinH88 said:

Lurker from the WTO board.

@Sugargirl1019 and @ktcakes87 I understand the struggle. I had a MC in March. Specifically, the day after my birthday. On my birthday, I told everyone (close family) that I was expecting and my dad opened his big mouth and posted something on FB AND tagged me in it. Since he did that, I felt like I had to make a formal announcement since people were sending me questions and congratulations. The next morning I miscarried. I did not post right away what I was dealing with. I needed time to process and heal on my own and with DH. But since I did come out and post that I was pregnant, I felt like I needed to clear that air. I made a post regarding my MC on FB about 2-3 weeks later. The amount of support and encouragement was amazing. It is definitely a very taboo topic and people do not talk about it. But once you open those doors, you will hear stories from friends that you never knew even experienced it.

This is why I want to post on FB. I feel like MC's should be talked about. It shouldn't be a taboo topic, I say this all the time. I have talked to a lot of people about it and SO MANY of them have had so many MC's and feel like it "shouldn't be talked about" which makes me so sad. Part of how I deal with things is talking about them, so if I felt like I had to keep it to myself I wouldn't be where I am now after my MC.

KirstinH88

@ktcakes87 I agree. I think having the support system and being able to talk about it freely really helped me out. Not that I don't get sad about it, but when I do, I know I have amazing friends and family who continue to listen and encourage me. Hoping to see you ladies in the WTO/TWW threads soon! 

Sugargirl1019

Now I just need to have this very serious talk with DH about posting something. I'm so bad at putting my feelings into words.. I may need to look online as to how others' have expressed it to get the right words in order.. Unless we want to make something here lol

ETA: I want to invoke the right tone, and I'm bad at doing that.

KirstinH88

@Sugargirl1019 It may be easier to type or write something up and then put it away for a few days and add/edit it. Sometimes it is hard to tackle something like this all in one sitting. I used the Notes app on my phone and then when I felt like I was ready, then I just copy and pasted it into FB. 

Also, I recently read an amazing (but long) FB status from the DH perspective about the trials and tribulations of TTC. They were trying for MANY, MANY years and had a MC. It really spoke to my heart and gave me all the feels back. 

KirstinH88

http//www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3607440/Man-writes-heart-wrenching-Facebook-post-detailing-emotional-turmoil-trying-conceive-baby-announces-wife-finally-pregnant.html

Here is the article ladies. If you scroll to the bottom, the complete FB status update is in the pink/purple box. FYI, read it when you are alone and can cry without people thinking you are crazy. And have a box of tissues. 

AliciaGoose

@Sugargirl1019 I have been thinking about making an announcement as well. I don't feel like I'm ready yet. And honestly I don't know what the appropriate time would be. But I have found since my MC I have wanted to share so much more with so many more people than I ever would have thought. And that's because this shouldn't be taboo. It should be sad. And it will always be incredibly difficult to deal with. But it's an unfortunate and natural reality that affects so many couples. And support is so important. But we don't get a lot of support because we're not supposed to talk openly about it. And I don't think that's fair.

beary67

Ladies--I saw this post today on Facebook and wanted to share.  Perhaps it's something you can alter to make your own.  As always, sending you lots of hugs!

A baby born after a miscarriage or loss of a baby is referred to as a rainbow baby. Today we remember all babies born sleeping, or we have carried but never met, those we have held but could not take home, the ones that came home but did not stay. Make this your profile status if you or someone you know has suffered the loss of a baby. The majority will not do it, because unlike cancer, miscarriage, still birth and sids is still a taboo subject. Break the silence. In memory of all angels too perfect for earth and all the babies that are born sleeping or do not make it home.

As I've gone back and forth about posting the devastating news that my family and I have lost our little bundle of joy, I've decided to post this because miscarriage, still births and SIDS are topics that are not spoken about and in my opinion, needs more awareness. So, this is in loving memory of our little baby to be who gained angel wings on XX/XX/XX.

AliciaGoose

@beary67 That's beautiful. Thank you so much 

Sugargirl1019

"We wished for a baby, but God gave us an angel instead." Maybe with our only ultrasound picture? But I like that post there so much, I may have to use.

@beary67 thank you so much for sharing that. And for caring about us! That's a very subtle way I think to share "hey world, btw we had a baby" without calling for attention.

AliciaGoose

Are you benched or TTA? Benched

What brings you here? Miscarriage 5/24 at 6 weeks 3 days

How long do you think you'll be here? Confirmed today that my doctor wants us to wait two cycles. However long that will end up being.

How have things been going? Well since it's all so new, I guess as good as can be expected. We have a plan to move forward now involving some bloodwork to check my progesterone during our first cycle trying again, so I'm happy about that. But it's all so new still. So every day is a struggle.

Any R/R/CS? I'm really happy with my doctor and he fact that he's not only willing but wants to make sure we're well prepared when we start trying again. I'm also happy that it seems I won't need a D&C. Just waiting now for my levels to go back to 0.

GTKY: When do you feel the most confident and why?
When DH calls me beautiful. Even if I didn't originally feel it that day. I believe him and it makes me feel good. 

mtmama2

kiwi2628 said:

@SienaC - 6 months?? God, last I read it was only 3 months. Shoot, my H and I were in Mexico at the beginning of this month. Eff that- neither one of us had a single bug bite and August 31st will be 4 months out from Mexico. I am not pushing it back any more for something that they honestly don't know diddly about.

We just got back from Mexico last week!  I just got done with my appointment @ the OB and she basically said that the CDC recommends 8 weeks for asymptomatic patients that were in an area with active ZIKA transmission.  However, if the man was symptomatic the recommendation is 6 months.  At this time there have not been any reported cases of an asymptomatic man transmitting the virus sexually, but that doesn't mean we would be 100% safe.  I think she just wanted to make sure that we were aware that there is still a risk even though we haven't shown any symptoms of the virus. DH and I are just going to follow the 8 week recommendation like we had planned!

LadyMillil

Are you benched or TTA? benched from IF treatments 

 What brings you here? Moving and starting a new job

 How long do you think you'll be here? likely 6 months

 How have things been going? My parents were here on the weekend and all they wanted to talk about was my little sister and her baby. I started TTC 6 months before here and she has a 1 month old now

 Any R/R/CS? This is my first cycle after 3 failed medicated IUIs. It is the first cycle in 17 that I have NOT had LP bleeding. I have no idea what is going on with my body.

 GTKY: When do you feel the most confident and why? When I'm all dressed up in my business clothes and talking about science-y stuff

Sugargirl1019

@LadyMillil boo I'm sorry to see you here

AliciaGoose

On our earlier conversation about sharing, I just cried at an unexpected Facebook post that is incredibly simple and ridiculously fitting. 

lyndam1

Are you benched or TTA? Benched

 What brings you here? Cervical pregnancy, treated on May 13th.

 How long do you think you'll be here? Docs say 6 months, so about November or December depending on when they count the 6 month start. 

 How have things been going? Bad. This weekend I started bleeding heavily, enough to make me go to the ER. This was unexpected as the docs had said I should just experience a very, very light discharge until my HCG went down to zero. 

 Any R/R/CS? I thought the physical hard part was over, but now I'm back to feeling tired after losing a decent amount of blood.Ugh.

 GTKY: When do you feel the most confident and why? It's silly, but I used to play on an adult softball league (benched from that too for now) and I would always feel so confident when I would make a homerun or make a good fielding play! I just felt awesome afterward. We were a very supportive team, so even if we lost (which was a lot) we always celebrated the good! 

@Sugargirl1019 Totally understandable about being sad when FB makes it so easy to be in our faces! But yay, hopefully only two more weeks for you!!!
@kiwi2628 Yay for only three more months!! And I love your GTKY, yay for smart cookies like you!!
@SienaC Ugh, I'm so sorry about the change in TTA time. 
@juliebeannn Congrats!!! Good luck!
@LadyMillil Family can be great, but they can also be so tough! I'm sorry. I love your GTKY!

Sugargirl1019

Ugh DH is still all "if you post something, it won't be as exciting when we post about our next pregnancy when it's farther along. Well, it would be as exciting, but everyone would know it's not our first." /sigh. I don't even know what to say. I'm so bad with words.. Idk if I even should think about posting anything anymore..

KirstinH88

@Sugargirl1019 maybe instead of posting for all the world to know, just let your closest friends and family know. That way you do have a small support system if you need it.

meganh2016

I just want to say to everyone how much I appreciate this discussion - I've been gone the last few days and to come back to read this was very moving and super helped me to begin to think through some things i've been avoiding.

@sugargirl1019 I don't have any words of advice, other than to say I'm right there with you. I hate that there is this huge experience we've had that for whatever reason society says can't be/is too taboo to be recognized (like - this was a pregnancy, a baby that was a part of me and my husband, ya know? It was *not* nothing.). It sounds like maybe your husband is trying to figure out how to deal with loss, too (at least, when my husband says stuff like that it is because he is trying to figure out his own feelings). Maybe his point of view will change re: posting, but regardless I guess one way to look at it is that your husband is trying to protect you, your feelings, your future feelings, etc., which is sweet (even if it isn't what you want to hear). 

@ktcakes87 and @KirstinH88 and @beary67 thank you so much for this whole discussion. It was much needed today and reading y'all's words was really comforting this morning.

@aliciagoose I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I'm glad you like your doctor! before my loss, i had no idea how vital it was to trust your doctor, but it has been SUCH a huge help. 

@lyndam1 oh no!! I hope you're feeling better!!

Are you benched or TTA? Benched

 What brings you here? ectopic - surgically removed 4/30, tube was saved.

 How long do you think you'll be here? 7 more weeks!!

 How have things been going? Better this week, actually! I'm so relieved to say that...I didn't know if I'd ever start to feel better. I still cry really easily and I'm super sad, but the overwhelming emotion / inability to do anything is getting better every day. I think my hormones are starting to level out a bit, too, which I'm sure plays into my ability to function better.

 Any R/R/CS? I wish I could understand my temps and/or know when I'm going to get my period. It has now been 5 weeks since my surgery and no sign of AF.  My HCG was at 84 over a week ago, so I'm assuming it'll take another week or so to get to zero, and then AF a few weeks after that? I feel like I'm walking around in this constant state of panic that I'm going to start in my boss' office or something.

 GTKY: When do you feel the most confident and why? This is a great question...and one that is sort of tough for me to answer right now. I haven't been feeling so hot lately - I feel pretty let down by my body, so having a hard time feeling confident. BUT the question reminds me I need to focus on myself and get back to a place where I *could* answer this  

canavara

*TW: Lurker + sig + pregnancy  + MC mentioned*
@sugargirl1019 You should share it if it feels right to you. I blogged about mine when I had mine and shared it on Facebook. It made me feel so much better to share it because people I knew who had also had a MC connected with me suddenly... and I was able to have really deep, meaningful discussions with friends who I'd never in a million years would have suspected of having had a MC. I don't think it takes away from the news of any future pregnancy. If anything, it makes people so much more congratulatory.

Sugargirl1019

@canavara Thanks for sharing your blog! I think I just need to write something up, show it to DH, and he will probably approve of it then. I think he has a misunderstanding if what "posting to FB" means.

LadyMillil

@Sugargirl1019 October is infant and pregnancy loss awareness month. I had several FB friends that changed their display pictures to acknowledge that they had angel babies during the month last year. There are a lot of options if you Google it. I support you posting something now, but I would caution you against posting the ultrasound because I worry that a lot of people will breeze by, not read the post, see the ultrasound and congratulate you. 

safire3

Hey guys! I took a 2 week break from the bump while on vacation. I'm back now and benched so I'll be hanging out here for a while.

@Sugargirl1019I agree with posting something for family and close friends. DH may be more likely to agree with that and you guys can select together who can see the post. I think it is very important to acknowledge your little angel but you know men process things differently so DH may not be comfortable with everyone offering him support.

@SienaCI don't know all the details of your situation of course but the CDC website says 8 weeks if neither you or DH have symptoms so that's what I'm sticking to. If it were 6 months don't think I would have gone on vacation at all!

So sorry to see you here @AliciaGooseand @LadyMillil

@lyndam1That sounds awful! I hope you are feeling a bit better now. Please take it easy and be good to yourself.


Are you benched or TTA?  TTA

 What brings you here? Went to the Caribbean for my anniversary

 How long do you think you'll be here? 8 weeks

 How have things been going? Ok. When I start feeling down about not being able to try I think of how amazing our vacation was or look over our pics. 

 Any R/R/CS? I got nothing. Haven't even started temping again yet

 GTKY: When do you feel the most confident and why? probably when I'm dressed up with make-up on and DH tells me how beautiful I look.

ETA I guess I'm actually TTA rather than benched. 

rainbowturtles

I'm so glad we're talking about this and I really encourage people to post about it. I'm slightly disappointed in myself for not posting about it. After my first mc ten years ago I had little to no support and I hated that it was such a taboo and secret subject so I told myself if it happened again I wouldn't hide it. It bothers me that we're meant to wait until 12 weeks to announce "in case something happens". To me that makes no sense. Everyone is different and I respect that, but to me, I feel like I'd want people to know I'm pg so that if I do mc that then people will understand and be supportive. My DH is dead set that we won't tell his family until I'm 12 weeks (when it happens again, universe willing) and I'm like okay well everyone else will know but them, then lol What makes less sense to me is that he told them about my miscarriage in Feb so why would you not tell about being pg if you're going to tell if you miscarry anyways? Why not have people praying and rooting and hoping for you? I don't know. I told my close friends this time about my mc (it was days after my BFP and I had to wait until DH got home from an away trip to tell him so only my mom knew I was pg this time) but didn't fb post kind of because of DH and I'm sort of mad I didn't like I said, because I'm pretty passionate about the topic not being taboo or shameful or hidden and don't like the thought of other women going through it alone.
Okay I think that's all I can say about that right now

Are you benched or TTA? 
TTA for 3 more months tho DH MIGHT be being less careful (fx)

 What brings you here? 
We had a loss 2/25 and now we're renovating a kitchen before moving so hoping to be more settled. I'd love to be trying now but DH needs some time so we're compromising

 How long do you think you'll be here? 
Hopefully just 3 more months tho I worry DH might postpone. At this point I think he knows I'll lose it if he does, tho lol

 How have things been going?
It's okay. My emotions are still very close to the surface so I cry at the tiniest things, even things that make me happy or hopeful. We're using POM and DH didn't PO once last month and I got all excited even tho I knew I was past my O because I've been temping but thought it might mean we were moving to NTNP but then next time he did PO and it made me sad. So that sort of stuff is messing with my head a bit.

 Any R/R/CS? 
See above lol But raving that hopefully we'll be moved before July! 

 GTKY: When do you feel the most confident and why?
I think it's when I think I look my best. When I've done my hair and makeup and feel good in my outfit. But for something not appearance-based: I love to sing and I play ukulele and attend local jams and have had a few gigs and while I still get nervous doing it, there are times when the sound is great and I just feel like I nailed a song and then I feel super confident and awesome

rainbowturtles

I also wanted to say I thought what your DH said was strange @Sugargirl1019 How could anyone knowing the pain you've been through and the difficulties make them less excited for when you get pregnant again? I also know that I see people mention their miscarriages or that this is their rainbow baby when they announce a pregnancy so I don't see the harm at all in posting about it beforehand so people know what you're going through. And as someone else said, you usually find (sadly) so many women who can relate. Yes, you'll also have to prepare for the insensitive comments that people make without thinking, but I think the good outweighs the bad

eggplantface

Are you benched or TTA? TTA

What brings you here? Fibroid removal with laparotomy means no pregnancy until six months post-surgery so everything heals

How long do you think you'll be here? One more month

How have things been going? Very well, actually, because without the stress of TTC H and I can have sex whenever instead of my worrying about the fertile window. The only thing we discuss before sex now is whether or not he needs to wear a condom. It's also stopped all the questions and quizzical looks if I don't have a drink when I'm out with friends because they know we're not trying. Really eased the pressure.

Any R/R/CS? H has an allergy-induced cough and he woke me up at 1:30 this morning with a loud cough to my face. I swear he screams when he coughs. A cough screamer.

GTKY: When do you feel the most confident and why? At work when people ask me questions about my field and I can answer knowing I'm right and anyone who says differently is wrong. Also when I have a few drinks in me. Nothing can stop me then.

 @Sugargirl1019 Even though any subsequent pregnancies won't be your "first," that obviously doesn't make them any less special or joyous, the congratulations will be just as heartfelt either way. You do what makes you happy.

lyndam1

@safire3 Welcome back! I hope your 8 weeks go by quickly for you!
@rainbowturtles I totally get where you're coming from. I had such a wonderful support system this time around because I told more people very early on. I'm glad that I did. I've never made a public announcement (like on FB) and I too have gone back and forth on if I should write something. The closest I've ever come was sharing a Humans of New York story about miscarriage a few months ago...