No guests, no friends, no family, no shower... what are the alternatives?

Knottie1442462220

I'm wondering what people in my situation usually do to make themselves feel better. Let me explain my situation. I have basically no family. I timed out of foster care at 18. Needless to say, I don't talk to my abusive mother or my father. I don't have any aunts, uncles, cousins, or siblings. My husbands mother died when he was 18, and his father is weird to say the least. So when we found out we were pregnant we didn't think too many people would make a fuss of us, but I thought at least someone would. When I was six months pregnant and no one had offered to throw me a shower I decided to take things into my own hands and I asked a friend if he would 'throw it' for me. I bought all the decorations, invitations, and sent out invites to everyone I know. It's not a long list as I've only lived in this state for a couple of years. So far only one person has RVSP'd yes. Everyone else has come up with excuses why they can't make it. At work no one threw me a shower either. So I'm one week away from my shower date and feeling pretty awful. No one is coming to a shower I was basically throwing for myself. They are so interested in their own lives- even those who claim to be my 'family' and 'best friends'... I've never felt more unloved. I have several friends who are pregnant and they are on their 2nd and 3rd showers. I don't know what to do at this point. Should I cancel the party and just not set myself up for disappointment of sitting in a house full of decorations and no guests, no gifts, and no fuss. What do people in my situation do? I don't have much money- I'm a graduate student, but I'd like to do something to mark this big event, I'm not sure what. 

benten24

I'd saying having a healthy baby is the best way to "mark this big event". All of the other crap is unnecessary. 

deuxbouledogues

YeezusButters

DarkCat

I'm not going to touch on the tackiness of throwing your own shower. Your already feeling like shit enough. Personally, I would quietly cancel the shower and after the baby is born I would do an informal "sip and see" Throw a small BBQ where people come over for dinner and meet the baby. I'm sorry things didn't work out with the shower.

LadyFleck

Okay...here goes.

Welcome to July! We like to keep our boards organized by topic. There is a search function that you can use to search for answers to questions that have already been asked and answered. Better yet, there is a Baby Shower thread showing up right here on the first page that is better suited for your question. 

Hope me you find the answers you're looking for!

Aaaaand exhale. 

thepen15ismighty

PootsDragon

Is using a pee stick as your avatar against TOU? They're only allowed on that one thread "what does a positive pregnancy test look like" and strictly forbidden everywhere else... Asking for a friend.

YeezusButters

Shelby00519

DarkCat said:

I'm not going to touch on the tackiness of throwing your own shower. Your already feeling like shit enough. Personally, I would quietly cancel the shower and after the baby is born I would do an informal "sip and see" Throw a small BBQ where people come over for dinner and meet the baby. I'm sorry things didn't work out with the shower.

This. I'm sorry things didn't work out with your shower. 

deuxbouledogues

PootsDragon said:

Is using a pee stick as your avatar against TOU? They're only allowed on that one thread "what does a positive pregnancy test look like" and strictly forbidden everywhere else... Asking for a friend.

Leave my friend alone, no one has thrown her a party and she has all the feels!

mandyjulie

YeezusButters

thepen15ismighty

elenabrent

@YeezusButters who is that woman though

YeezusButters

elenabrent said:

@YeezusButters who is that woman though

I just know she's a meme that's been transformed a million ways. That's the extent of my knowledge.

Kellyj103

@elenabrent I was asking myself the same question!!! 

notsoblissylissy

I know we don't want to respond to randos with random threads but this one hits me in the feels. OP I am sorry you are in such a shitty situation. I can't imagine going through pregnancy without the support that I have had from my family and friends. I think that if you only have one RSVP yes, I would cancel the party, and go celebrate you. Get a massage and a pedi instead of spending the money on decorations and food. And duck the sip and see. If people aren't curteous enough to respond to your invitation, don't let them see baby  

Serpica

I agree with @notsoblissylissy ; it really sucks and I'm sorry. I had doubts about whether I'd have a party/shower before the birth because my family is really far away and I don't have a ton of close friends where I live. I felt shitty that I didn't feel like anyone would do it for me spontaneously. I was lucky that my mother in law eventually said she was thinking about it (we'll have a small thing this weekend, nothing fancy) - I think it's unfair to say that unless someone else does it for you you shouldn't even think of celebrating yourself and what's about to happen. It sucks that it turns out this way and it totally makes sense that you're feeling angry and maybe lonely - but I totally agree with others that you should take the opportunity to take care of yourself (I second the massage suggestion!), maybe go out to dinner with a just a few trusted people (doesn't matter if it's not a big party). Don't let this unfortunate turn of events dampen your joy and excitement at welcoming the new member of your family!

slorbets

I read this post earlier and didn't post a reply. I know normally we do not like random threads, but I feel really bad for this girl and I think some of the earlier posts were mean given her situation.  All new mommies deserve to have a baby shower and to be surrounded by loved ones. I agree with @notsoblissylissy you should cancel the shower and spoil yourself or spend the money that you were going to use for the shower and buy something special for your baby.

mandyjulie

slorbets said:

I read this post earlier and didn't post a reply. I know normally we do not like random threads, but I feel really bad for this girl and I think some of the earlier posts were mean given her situation.  All new mommies deserve to have a baby shower and to be surrounded by loved ones. I agree with @notsoblissylissy you should cancel the shower and spoil yourself or spend the money that you were going to use for the shower and buy something special for your baby.

@slorbets No. A baby shower isn't a right. I don't get the entitlement people feel about showers. They aren't something "every new mom deserves" -- you get the baby. Not necessarily the party and the gifts.

OP sorry about your history and that your friends suck but you don't have to throw your own shower to celebrate your baby. 

benten24

@mandyjulie But I totes deserve for people to spend their hard-earned money on me for deciding to conceive this kiddo!

thepen15ismighty

I'm not having a baby shower, and no it's not a right to have one. You know what I get at the end of 9 months, a beautiful healthy baby boy. That's my prize at the end, not who's going to give me gifts. You don't get pregnant just to reap the benefits of free things.

YeezusButters

You don't get pregnant so you can have a party where people buy you things. You get..A BABY!

thepen15ismighty

^esp again.

YeezusButters

thepen15ismighty said:

^esp again.

Spoooky.

rlopezlavalle

I totally get it. It's hard when everyone else you know gets showered with love and attention. I think the baby shower is less about getting free stuff and people spending money, but more about them showing you love and care. It must be difficult feeling like you don't have people stepping up to be there for you and to be excited for you and your baby. As hard as it sounds, you get to create the world for your little one. So start by making new mom friends. Join mom and me groups. Put yourself out there a little more. It will take some time to develope those relationships, but in the meantime you will have a beautiful baby to love. 

And ignore those that are so critical and less than helpful. It's never wrong to admit how you feel and reach out for help. 

YeezusButters

She seems to be ignoring all of us since she posted and ran.

YeezusButters

andplusalso, her question was in regards to what she could do to "mark this big event" and not how to solve her crappy friends and family issue.

HMcDade1

YeezusButters said:

You don't get pregnant so you can have a party where people buy you things. You get..A BABY!

thepen15ismighty said:

I'm not having a baby shower, and no it's not a right to have one. You know what I get at the end of 9 months, a beautiful healthy baby boy. That's my prize at the end, not who's going to give me gifts. You don't get pregnant just to reap the benefits of free things.

Look idk about you two, but I'm pretty much pregnant for the free stuff. 

YeezusButters

HMcDade1 said:

YeezusButters said:

You don't get pregnant so you can have a party where people buy you things. You get..A BABY!

thepen15ismighty said:

I'm not having a baby shower, and no it's not a right to have one. You know what I get at the end of 9 months, a beautiful healthy baby boy. That's my prize at the end, not who's going to give me gifts. You don't get pregnant just to reap the benefits of free things.

Look idk about you two, but I'm pretty much pregnant for the free stuff. 

YeezusButters

I'm also sort of peeved at the fact that OP has posted ONE other thing and it was a post in November about feeling sick. She never responded to that thread afterwards either. Here's the thing, I don't know her because she doesn't participate. This whole cry for help could be complete MUD. If it's legitimate then I hate it for her but I give no sympathy to some stranger who randomly pops up on the board. If that makes me "critical and less than helpful"..so be it.

thepen15ismighty

I was waiting for a WK, to come galloping in. 

thepen15ismighty

notsoblissylissy

HMcDade1 said:

YeezusButters said:

You don't get pregnant so you can have a party where people buy you things. You get..A BABY!

thepen15ismighty said:

I'm not having a baby shower, and no it's not a right to have one. You know what I get at the end of 9 months, a beautiful healthy baby boy. That's my prize at the end, not who's going to give me gifts. You don't get pregnant just to reap the benefits of free things.

Look idk about you two, but I'm pretty much pregnant for the free stuff. 

Mostly the mesh undies. 

thepen15ismighty

notsoblissylissy said:

HMcDade1 said:

YeezusButters said:

You don't get pregnant so you can have a party where people buy you things. You get..A BABY!

thepen15ismighty said:

I'm not having a baby shower, and no it's not a right to have one. You know what I get at the end of 9 months, a beautiful healthy baby boy. That's my prize at the end, not who's going to give me gifts. You don't get pregnant just to reap the benefits of free things.

Look idk about you two, but I'm pretty much pregnant for the free stuff. 

Mostly the mesh undies. 

Whoa. I was filing that under things I'm taking from
the hospital because free, do people get the mesh undies from baby showers? I feel lied to.

allthingscozy

Okay I've been avoiding this thread because I have felt very torn about it. I think I have collected my thoughts now though.

OP my heart aches for your past and how neither of you have strong familial ties now. The foster care system sucks and often does people in it a grave and great disservice. So for that I am truly sorry.

Now onto your post and question. Unfortunately if you stick around the board
and get to know the members you will find many have really crappy family members and even though they may have blood relations some would not at all call them a support system. So know many responses aren't coming from people who don't get it because they really do. But the sad reality is we all have to create our own support systems that are reliable, actually supportive not just fake support and there for us. I'm sorry yours has turned out to be unreliable but unfortunately that means you and your husband have to go and create a new one. Get involved in community activities you enjoy, join a mom group in your area on Facebook and make some new connections. 

A shower is just this, a party, all in all its just simply a get together or party. While yes there are usually some perks of gifts and encouragement to the mother to be it comes down to the fact that it is just one event that over in a few hours. It in no way ruins your sweet child's entrance into the world and your lives and not having one doesn't have to sullen your pregnancy experience.  So skip it if you feel like at this point it would bring more harm than good. Go treat yourself get a prenatal massage or your hair and nails done. Something that will make you feel good about yourself because that is what you deserve. Not sure if you have read any of these posts but stick around the ladies here are great and can be a huge source of support. Get involved read the threads and actually join the community 

slorbets

@Backbypopulardemand this response was perfect! This was the kind of supporting response I was trying to get at, however yours is clearly well more thought out and supportive! 

Although in my previous post I said that all momas deserve a shower, what I was really trying to get at, is that I believe that all mamas deserve to be loved and have a strong support system. My friends had a baby shower for me, but I kindly asked that it be kept intimate and that gifts were not needed as I have the money to buy the things I want myself. I was happy just with having my close group of family and friends around so that we could all spend time together. It was a time of celebration rather than having everyone crack open their wallets. My heart goes out to all the mamas out there who do not have a strong support system...but like @Backbypopulardemand said, a shower is one event that lasts a few hours, don't let it upset you...very soon you will be receiving the best gift that anyone could ever give you!

 


 

mandyjulie

@slorbets I would let this go but your response bugs me. Not just that total backtracking of what you said about all moms deserving a shower but the non apology for saying the rest of us were too mean.

While I agree @Backbypopulardemand writes the best supportive posts, it's because she doesn't sugarcoat things, either. She also told OP to come here and participate for more support from us.

It wasn't cool to call everyone meanieheads about our responses. She never posts here, we don't know anything about her, and if you reread her post, almost all of it is about how she can have a shower or mark the event. It wasn't about how to get a strong support system or how to approach her friends who didn't RSVP. It was "do I cancel the shower?" "How else do I mark the big event?"

And you may believe every mom deserves a support system. But. Relationships are something you have to help build. Again we know nothing about OP or how SHE treats people in her life. We don't know if there's a reason they are acting this way.

All I have is the fact that she has never given support to any of us. We don't owe randos rainbow and puppy responses just because they aren't getting they support or baby shower they want.

allthingscozy

@mandyjulie 100% agree the poster hasnt even been on since she wrote the post. It's hard to believe she is that hard up for advice or truly cares if she just posts and runs