Back for Real

chloe97

Hi All:

I had a MMC at 10 weeks in late Nov. We were able to get pregnant 2 cycles later in February. Unfortunately this pregnancy wasn't the most textbook. My HCG levels only rose 3% in 2 days at 6 weeks and the Dr told us to prepare to miscarry, but then the baby had a great heartbeat at 6+2 and pretty much every week following. We started to feel more confident every week that this baby just wasn't "textbook" and we would have our take home baby in November.

We had the Panorana screen done at just under 10 weeks and the test came back with no results. The Dr warned me that this could mean chromosomal abnormality. A redraw showed even lower fetal fraction- a really bad sign.

 At the NT scan at 12 weeks, I knew something was wrong immediately. The baby's head took up almost all of the screen and the ultrasound tech tried to convinced me that my dates were off because the baby is measuring 10 days early. Meanwhile my husband laughed as he watched the baby suck it's thumb and kicked it's legs and I wanted to scream "Stop looking! Don't get attached!"

It was, of course, too late- we both fell in love with that goofy little being with the big head and tiny little limbs.

The genetic counselor warned us something was probably very wrong with our baby and offered a CVS. I didn't even hesitate and was able to get one that day. The Dr had a very difficult time obtaining the sample from the placenta he needed because my placenta was too small. During the procedure, he warned us that the baby almost certainly had a chromosomal abnormality incompatible with life- most likely Triploidy, but possibly T-13 or T-18. 

 We await our results tomorrow, but now my H and I expect to be in the unenviable position of needing to decide whether terminate our much wanted, loved little kicking bean or watch him/her grow knowing that they will not make it out of the 2nd trimester and perhaps be a greater risk to my health and ability to have future pregnancies. We can't stop crying.My cries come hard like convulsions and I find myself struggling to breathe. I have no idea why God is testing us like this.  

This forum was so helpful to me with my first loss. I'm so sorry for everyone's loss. 

Glitter

Im so sorry that you are facing this. I had a triploidy pregnancy that I miscarried 2 weeks ago that was partial molar, so it only made it to 8w2d but I was already in love. Its little feet and hand nubs on the u/s had me a mess. I can only imagine your pain seeing your baby kicking around. I wish I could offer more support for you than just words, but we are all here for you, no matter what happens. Please keep us updated, and know that you will make the right decision, no one can know what is best but you and your husband. Hugs to you.

Spartanrd4

I am so sorry @chloe97 that you are going through this...whatever the results of the testing says, and despite what other people think....you are doing what you think is best for your little bean. What a hard choice you have to make....I have been following your story and have been rooting for you all the way. And we still are, we are all here for you whatever you need. I'll be thinking of you and your DH during this difficult time.

BrightenMySky

I am so sorry for what your loss and for what you are now going through.  I read your thread when I was lurking on the PGAL board (trying to get a little hope) and was rooting for you, as so many of the ladies there clearly were.  Sorry you are now finding yourself in this situation.  How incredibly awful and difficult. Hugs.

mylittleversailles

*lurking from TTCAL*

Fuck, I'm so, so sorry. I'm angry. I'm a whole bunch of things for you @chloe97 Take care of yourself, lady. 

yolandamunoz

I am so sorry for your loss @chloe97 this is just so unfair!

************ TW ************  and TMI

I am also back here. I had my BFP last week, and yesterday I started spotting. My temp was down and later on I was full on bleeding. I'm losing my baby again.

I am so sad. I have a hole in my chest. I feel like a failure. I feel betrayed by my own body. I don't know what to do but cry.

I wanted this baby so much. It's so unfair this is happening to us. Again.

Spartanrd4

Oh no! @yolandamunoz This sucks so much, I wish you didn't have to go through this again...I wish none of us were here  

Taggarab

I am so so sorry you are going through this. Many hugs for you. 

dubcompanion

So sorry to hear, @chloe97. I've been rooting for you (and not just because you're a fellow Cubbies fan)! My heart hurts for you. 

@yolandamunoz I am so sorry that you have to be back here as well. It's all so unfair.

Wishilivedinflorida

@chloe97 I'm just brought to tears by your situation. I'm so angry that this is happening to you and that you are stuck with such awful decisions to make. We are here for you and I will continue to pray for you and DH. 

fiorip

@chloe97 I am so so sorry, what a heartbreaking situation you're in. It's a incredibly hard decision but whatever you and your husband decide will be the right thing, there's no wrong here. I myself have loss 3 pregnancies and also questioned why was God punishing me. For my own peace of mind I've decided to look at things not as a punishment or test but as things that just happen, crappy that it happens to us, but that's just what it is. I will pray for you and hope you can find peace. Be well. 

@yolandamunoz I am very sorry, it's so sad and unfair and just overall crap. I will pray for your recovery, be kind to yourself. 

RiverSong15

Damn it, I'm so so sorry this is happening to you @chloe97. I was pulling for you so hard. This is such an awful, sucky situation, and I know there aren't many words of comfort. Hugs lady. Take care of yourself and your H, and vent here as much as you need. 

chloe97

Thanks @RiverSong15. The morning that you posted on the N'16 PGAL board about your loss, I read your post and immediately became hysterical. Im not sure why, but something within your post struck me and I knew somehow that this baby would not be my take home baby.

I've been lurking this board and TTCAL and reading about what's been going on in your life and I just want to say that I wish all of this had been easier for you as well. It's just not fair that you've had added family pressures on top of grieving your loss.

I'm take so much comfort in the fact that we have this board to support each other. As much as I hate that you are all here, it was helpful to know that as I move back over to this board, I have old friends here to ease my transition. Sending much love to you and @spartanrd4, @reneeannemm, @Wishilivedinflorida, @glitter, @BrightenMySky, @SnobunnieMel, @bornready,@fivetimesnoluck, and all the other folks with who posted here or on the PGAL board. I hope our stays here are short and we get our rainbows soon.

roxgibbons

@chloe97 I was lurking on the PGAL board to see how things were going for you and I saw your post. I am so sorry and so damn devastated for you. This is just simply not fair and not fair that you and your husband have to be put in this position. You are in my thoughts and I wish you comfort and some peace during this difficult time. There are no other words, just know your are in my thoughts. 

RiverSong15

@chloe97 Thanks for your kind words. It means a lot to have people on this board that understand in a way no one else can IRL. I wish things had been easier for all of us. I'm sorry that my story brought you distress, but I understand what it's like to just get intuition about something. Neither of my pregnancies ever felt "right" from the beginning. I hope you are able to navigate your way through this mess with as little added stress as possible. I second all your thoughts about the ladies on this board. Everyone is wonderful!

Sugargirl1019

@chloe97 I'm so so sorry you are going through this again Many many hugs to you.

chloe97

Thank you @Sugargirl1019 and @roxgibbons.

Just an update- We heard from the Dr and our baby girl has Triploidy. We will be scheduling a D&E Monday or Tuesday.

RiverSong15

I'm so sorry @chloe97. Hopefully having an answer brings some closure, if that's the right word. So many hugs.

NenaMommy

I'm so sorry Cloe. My T&Ps will be with you and your family. 

Wishilivedinflorida

Oh no @chloe97. So heartbroken for you. This isn't fair. I'm sorry you have to say goodbye to your sweet girl.

Hopefulmommy1980

I am so sorry

Gibbs7911

I'm so sorry to see this! What a terrible situation for you and your husband! You're in my thoughts! 

HLD3194

I am so so very sorry for you. It is absolutely horrible to say the least. Please reach out to us if you ever need to vent/yell/cry/whatever it is we are here for you. You're in my thoughts. :::HUGS:::

silentP

::::lurking from TTCAL::::

I am so unbelievably sorry to hear this @chloe97 thinking of you at this time, for what it is worth. I hate this. Go easy on yourself.

catiecatp

@chloe97 - words fail me - we're here to support you as best as we can, now and in the future. 

Glitter

@chloe97 So sorry to hear this. If you need to chat just pm one or all of us. We are here for you. I had a triploidy baby but I know your situation is so hard. Triploidy is common and rare at the same time. We are behind you 100% and support you with anything you need. My thoughts are with you. Keep us updated. Hugs....

Aera11

@chloe97 I am so so very sorry my heart is breaking for you and for all of us.  I often wonder what the lesson is in all of this heartache and grief. I'll be thinking of you this weekend, please keep us posted on how you're doing. Take care of yourself! Hugs hugs hugs

MrsBinPA

@chloe97 it pains me to see you here.  I am so sorry you are going through this again.  You are right that if we have to be a member of this terrible group it really helps to have such wonderful & supportive people with you for along the ride.

if you need anything do not hesitate to PM me. 

LaurenDarling

@chloe97 I'm so sorry to see you back here. I'd been following your story to as our edd's were so close. I feel so bad that you have to go though this, I know this pregnancy has been so difficult. My thoughts and prayers are with you.  

iceandsnowflakes29

You probably don't remember me @chloe97 but I remember your roller coaster bfp you posted in TTCAL and even here (?) I think when you thought you were going to miscarry. 

Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm so very sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you. There are no words. Your family is in my t&ps.  (hugs)

cmmiller531

Wow our stories are so aligned! We lost our triploidy baby at 15 weeks (they had passed sometime between 13-14 weeks) after enduring the pain and unsuccessful CVS test. My numbers never rose initially and I had spotting throughout. We saw the most beautiful baby on the screen at our Nuchal, but they noticed right away the size discrepancy. Just total complete and utter heartbreak. I'm so sorry. I never realized how many others there suffered triploidy losses. I'm anxiously awaiting my first period so we can try again. I hope you are healing well.   

chloe97

Oh my gosh @cmmiller531 I'm so sorry for your loss and really surprised to find someone else in such a similar situation. Was your Triploidy also maternal based (digynis)?  From what I've read that type is much more likely to make it to the 2nd trimester. Today I was reading in some journal article that Triploidy that progresses to 10-14 weeks happens in 1/1150 pregnancies. Being on the wrong side of those odds is never fun. By any chance were you on progesterone supplementation? My progesterone was at 10 when I was 6 weeks so the Dr on call prescribed progesterone. Because the baby's heart stopped a few days after I stopped taking progesterone, I'm wondering if i would have miscarried sooner.

cmmiller531

They didn't say whether it was maternal or paternal actually. Just that it didn't divide in the beginning stages like it was supposed to and it was nothing I did or could have done to prevent it. Nothing wrong with the placenta or anything so that's a huge plus. They just said that the head was measuring on target while the abdomen was 10 days or so behind. I did read it most often happens in boys and at our nuchal screen the tech was pretty sure baby was a boy. I've also read that girls for some reason live longer than boys. Our blood test came back inconclusive and I never asked for confirmation from the pathology report. I was on progesterone supplements from 6 weeks until I was given the diagnosis. My initial level was 4.6 so what I know now it was an obvious indicator something was wrong. Lesson learned. I also think if I had stopped earlier we wouldn't have made it as far. The baby's heart rate was always super high, another indicator that the heart was working way harder than it needed to. I just feel so sorry that the baby suffered for so long. Ready for a period to gain closure on this chapter and start over fresh. As horrible as it is that you suffered the same fate it's nice to see that my situation isn't totally abnormal!!! 

alemarie1

Hi Ladies , I just wanted to express my sympathy for what you have been through. I myself am going through the same thing right now at 13W, 1D . I am awaiting the results from my CVS testing which should be in tomorrow. It all started when my Paneroma results came back high risk for tripliody. I went in for my NT scan 2 days ago and the baby was measuring a week ahead, perfect Nuctal translucency, heartbeat, everything was perfect except my placenta has grape like cells on part of it. 

So they think it's tripliody or a molar pregnancy, which molar  is scarier because they have to monitor for cancer and you have to wait 6 months to a year to TTC.

I'm absolutely heartbroken, this is me and DH husband's first pregnancy. This is the toughest and saddest thing I've ever been through.

It was especially heartbreaking to see a prefect baby on an ultrasound and to know that it will never make it. 

How are you coping with the loss a few months later? Were you given the all clear to TTC?