Hi everyone, I just went through my third loss, and I feel I'm being punished.
My husband and I have been together for 10 years, we got married a year and a half ago.
We had been together for so long and we'd talked about kids and how much we both wanted a big family so we were ready to start trying right away. I was blessed really fast and I got pregnant for the first time on our honeymoon, we were so excited, that pregnancy sadly ended in a miscarriage at about 6.2 weeks. It was hard but we were ready to try again right away.
After only two months of trying I was pregnant again. We were overjoyed, pregnancy progressed well, we found out early on it was a baby boy through genetic testing, after the end of the first trimester I never expected anything bad to happen. At 21.6 weeks I went into premature labor, I had missed the early signs of labor and by the time I made it to the hospital nothing could be done to stop it. On August 3rd 2015, after 14 painful hours of labor, I delivered my perfect healthy baby boy, he passed away after being born. I was beyond devastated, I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, I cried every single, I still do sometimes. I couldn't make it through the day and I just couldn't understand why it had happened, I blamed myself and had to go through therapy to finally forgive myself.
I became obsessed with getting pregnant, we tried for 6 months without results and each negative test was like a dagger in my heart. Last December, maybe because I let go with the holidays and having family around, I finally got pregnant. I was so happy, but also so scared. My doctor recommended Makena injections after 16 weeks, Makena is a form of progesterone that prevents premature labor in women with a previous history of premature labor.
I was given my first injection at 16.3 weeks. Exactly 5 hours later I was eating dinner in bed and felt a pop, and I was suddenly in a puddle of water, my membrane had rupture. I was rushed to the hospital, baby was still alive but had severely low fluid. Doctor suggested to induce labor but I wasn't ready to give up. We decided to wait and see what happened. I was kept on strict bed rest for 3 days, given antibiotics to prevent infection and prayed for a miracle, on the third day at midnight I started to have contractions, after spending all night in pain, the next morning I delivered my second son on April 11th 2016 at exactly 17 weeks. I am still in a state of shock and disbelief, I feel this has to be some sort of punishment, I know he had very little chance of making it but I had hope. I really did.
I just can't process the fact that I've loss 3 children. I'm in so much pain, I'm heartbroken and devastated, maybe I'm not meant to be a mom like I always thought. Maybe is just not gonna happen for me.
Sorry this his is so long and maybe all over the place, I just needed to let it all out.
Thank you to anyone who reads it and I'm so so incredibly sorry to anyone who has also been through this.
I'm 29, husband is 30 Together since 2006 Married 01.17.15