The joy of pregnancy has forever been taken away from me.

fiorip

Hi everyone, I just went through my third loss, and I feel I'm being punished. 

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, we got married a year and a half ago.

We had been together for so long and we'd talked about kids and how much we both wanted a big family so we were ready to start trying right away. I was blessed really fast and I got pregnant for the first time on our honeymoon, we were so excited, that pregnancy sadly ended in a miscarriage at about 6.2 weeks. It was hard but we were ready to try again right away. 

After only two months of trying I was pregnant again. We were overjoyed, pregnancy progressed well, we found out early on it was a baby boy through genetic testing, after the end of the first trimester I never expected anything bad to happen. At 21.6 weeks I went into premature labor, I had missed the early signs of labor and by the time I made it to the hospital nothing could be done to stop it. On August 3rd 2015, after 14 painful hours of labor, I delivered my perfect healthy baby boy, he passed away after being born. I was beyond devastated, I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, I cried every single, I still do sometimes. I couldn't make it through the day and I just couldn't understand why it had happened, I blamed myself and had to go through therapy to finally forgive myself.

I became obsessed with getting pregnant, we tried for 6 months without results and each negative test was like a dagger in my heart. Last December, maybe because I let go with the holidays and having family around, I finally got pregnant. I was so happy, but also so scared. My doctor recommended Makena injections after 16 weeks, Makena is a form of progesterone that prevents premature labor in women with a previous history of premature labor. 

I was given my first injection at 16.3 weeks. Exactly 5 hours later I was eating dinner in bed and felt a pop, and I was suddenly in a puddle of water, my membrane had rupture. I was rushed to the hospital, baby was still alive but had severely low fluid. Doctor suggested to induce labor but I wasn't ready to give up. We decided to wait and see what happened. I was kept on strict bed rest for 3 days, given antibiotics to prevent infection and prayed for a miracle, on the third day at midnight I started to have contractions, after spending all night in pain, the next morning I delivered my second son on April 11th 2016 at exactly 17 weeks. I am still in a state of shock and disbelief, I feel this has to be some sort of punishment, I know he had very little chance of making it but I had hope. I really did. 

I just can't process the fact that I've loss 3 children. I'm in so much pain, I'm heartbroken and devastated, maybe I'm not meant to be a mom like I always thought. Maybe is just not gonna happen for me. 

Sorry this his is so long and maybe all over the place, I just needed to let it all out. 

Thank you to anyone who reads it and I'm so so incredibly sorry to anyone who has also been through this. 

lilylover27

I am so very sorry for your losses, I cannot even imagine what you are going through. I know it is hard but you did absolutely nothing wrong from what I can tell. I know nothing anyone can say can heal what you are going through at this time but please take the time to grieve and don't be afraid to reach out for professional help if needed.

BrightenMySky

I am so sorry for your losses.  This just sucks.  It is not a sign of anything about you.  Please use this as a space to vent or ask questions or get support however this community can help you.  And I agree with @lilylover27 that talking to a professional could help.  You have been through a lot and it is devastating.  You can search on https://www.psychologytoday.com/ for someone in your area who focuses on loss and grief counseling. 

fivetimesnoluck

I am so sorry for your losses. You did nothing to deserve this, and unfortunately you couldn't do anything to prevent it either. You and your husband will be in my thoughts.

You are not alone. We are here for you.

Big love to you. xo

HowlCircus

I'm so very sorry for your loses. It was very brave of you to be able to share such a personal story. Nothing can prepare you for that type of pain. I can't fathom what both you and your husband are going through. like PP said. I would reach our for a professional or keep going if you currently are. I think this community is very helpful too everyone on here is very genuine and is willing to lift each other up whenever they need it. Just know someone will find this post one day with a similar experience and be very glad you shared it. I have always wanted a large family too. If that's something you deeply want take as much time as you need but don't ever give up on your dreams. They may change and evolve with time but never give up. I'm sending all my good thoughts your way and I hope that you'll find hope with this community. Just remember that you are in no way shape or form being punished although it may feel like it. You have so many people on here who are hopeful, strong, courageous, and kind that are willing to listen. I know for me I'm very hard on myself and can find myself focusing on the awful things. I find that reading success stories after multiples losses and obstacles gives me hope that there is a possibility for better days ahead. These women on here are including you are inspiring @fiorip

Spartanrd4

I am so sorry for your loss, I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy. We are all here for you!

Becid24

I'm so sorry for all your losses. You have been put through more than any person should ever have to be. My thoughts are with you as you face each new day.

fiorip

Thank you all for your words. My family and friends have been immensely supportive, while I was at the hospital, Someone was always around, they took turns but none of them have ever been through something like this, no one around me. My mother, my aunts, my cousins and none of my friends have ever been through a loss and I just feel so alone. Completely lost, what have I done to deserve this? Why have I been so unfortunate? There is nothing wrong with my body, I've been tested for everything, no genetic problems, no infertility, no incompetent cervix, no infection that precipitated labor, nothing! I've been that unlucky. It's hard to wrap my head around all of it, this last few years have been like a really long nightmare. 

With sharing my story I hope someone else who is going through a similar process, doesn't feel alone. 

ssublett09

So sorry for your losses, my thoughts are with you and your husband while going through this tough time. Please try to be kind to yourself.

RiverSong15

Im so so sorry for your losses. I'm thinking of you and your H and sending my best wishes. 

nmd9168

I can't even fathom the pain you must be feeling. =( I am so very sorry for all that has happened to you. No one deserves that. You and DH hold each other close, hug often, and don't lose hope even though all seems hopeless. BIG HUGS

AandDM2014

Oh my gosh. I am so so very sorry that this has happened to you. I can totally understand why the joy of pregnancy has been taken from you. You may never get it back. Hopefully, if you try again, your doctors will be able to do something different. Again, I am so sorry for your losses.