December 2016 Moms
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Advice from moms who have been through infertility and/or loss

I don't know if this is appropriate or insensitive to ask here, but I'm trying to get advice on the best way to go about this, so please forgive me. I understand how sensitive this topic is and I don't mean to cross any lines.

My husband and I are wanting to share our news with a tiny handful of our friends who are closer to us than our own families. Our plan is to wait until after we see our OB at about 8 weeks to tell them, and we plan to tell everyone else (including our parents) at 12 weeks. These people are extremely important to us and we are rather transparent with one another. One of my closest friends who we are planning to tell just went through a miscarriage in January. She told me of her pregnancy very early on (I think she was about 5-6 weeks), and I was the first person outside of her and her husband to know about the miscarriage. The other close friend has been struggling with infertility for 10 years.

I'm really concerned about being sensitive to the pain I know they are dealing with. If I don't tell them until closer to when we would announce it publicly, I feel like it would be obvious I purposely avoided the subject. But I don't want to cross rude boundaries.

So I guess I'm asking if there is anything I need to know, or any advice with regards to how to share my news with my friends without either being insensitive or awkward and weird. 


My Blog

Me: 26 years old
DH: 30 years old
Married: August 5th, 2011
1 son (Yehudah...AKA: Hudi) Born September 25th, 2013
1 Furbaby (Portillo): Dachshund
TTC Since Beginning of March 2016
BFP: March 28th, 2016
EDD: December 3rd, 2016

Re: Advice from moms who have been through infertility and/or loss

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    Hi!
    this has been discussed a few times  on different boards, try a search. The women who answered were very honest. I think most said a phone call, or text was good.

    My experience, my Brother and sil called me to tell me. They knew of our loss and wanted to tell me first so I had processing time before they announced to the family in Christmas. I'm glad they did because I could respond, but didn't have to have put on a show. I appreciated the phone call. I would have been very uncomfortable in person though.
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    I would talk to her and tell her separate from a group and give her time (like PP) said to process it. With my first loss in August, my coworker knew about and it just decided that sending me her U/S pic in a group FB message was cool...it wasn't, I felt hurt that she was that insensitive to drop an U/S in my face. And then I worked with her the next day, it was a long and rough day trying to put on a remotely happy face because I was still struggling with it.
    TT#1 July 2015
    BFP#1 & MC:August 2015 
    BFP: #2 10/01/2015 MC: 10/09/2015   BFP #3: 12/22/2015 @ 5 weeks  MC/CP: 12-23-2015
    Fertility Appointment: Feb 23/16, Hysteroscopy 03/02/2016,
    BFP #4: 03/31/16 EDD 12/01/2016 
       
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    I agree that a phone call or text is better than in-person. I always appreciated my losses being acknowledged as well, instead of ignored or downplayed. I had one friend who messaged me on fb, firstly just saying "I have something I want to share with you". That gave me a hint and some space to process right there, before I asked her what was up, and she said something like "I want to share with you because you are one of my dearest friends, but I'm sharing here because I realize it might be difficult to talk about in person. Here goes - I just found out I'm pregnant! We are obviously excited and nervous and desperate for support and prayer from our dearest friends, and I knew I wanted you to know. You have been so candid with me about your fertility and your dear losses, and I wanted to be just as candid with you about my life. I love you and I hope this hasn't hurt you unduly". 

    It still hurt a bit, but I so appreciated the acknowledgement of my babies and of our shared trust being more important than tip-toeing around each other. 

         Together - 11/9/08
         Married - 7/10/10
         Nt/Np - 1/14/11
        BFP! - 5/20/11 EDD - 1/25/12
        It's a girl! - 9/7/11
        A family of 3 - 2/2/12
        Nt/Np - 4/15/12
         BFP! - 5/16/13  EDD - 1/22/14
         Discovered baby's not growing w/ no heartbeat - 6/7/13      
        Natural M/C @ 6.5w - 6/15/13
        Nt/Np - 6/25/13
        BFP! - 10/25/13  EDD - 7/1/14
        Missed M/C (natural) - 11/5/13 @ 6w
        Nt/Np - 11/17/13
         BFP! - 5/29/14  EDD - 2/7/15
         It's a girl! - 9/19/14
        A family of 4 - 2/13/15
        Nt/Np - 4/9/15
        BFP! - 4/1/16  EDD - 12/05/16
    It's a boy! - 7/19/16
    A family of 5 - 12/10/16
    DH vasectomy - 3/30/17

     image


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    I had a miscarriage in November. My friend and I were TTC at about the same time, and I still would've been thrilled for her if she got pregnant. However, we are very close, have known each other a very long time, and she has had her own TTC issues so that all helps to lessen the blow a little. I also appreciate having my loss acknowledged. Some friends of ours that were pregnant at the time and had the baby shortly afterward pretty much stopped talking to me- I'm sure because they didn't want to hurt me knowing how jealous I'd be of them, but that hurt a lot worse. 
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    Same as @FiancB, my bff had fertility struggles and we would share as we were TTC/TTCAL. When she got her BFP, she told me first (after her DH) because she knew that if anything happened I would understand. I was very happy for her but it hurt knowing that I was now alone on my journey. I got my BFP 4 wks later. 
    I also agree with PP, don't announce it to her in a group/group message. Do it 1X1 (phone/text/electronically) so that she can be free to react. The worst you can do is blindsight her. 
    ******TW******Siggy warning
    BFP1 04/24/2015 EDD Dec 2015 MMC 10W5d;
    BFP 2 09/25/2015 EDD June 2016 MMC 9wks; 
    BFP 3 03/22/2016 EDD Dec 6th 2016 

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    Thanks everyone!
    I was definitely planning to tell them individually. It was very helpful to hear your experiences, as one of my debates was whether or not in person or via a message would be best. Thanks again!


    My Blog

    Me: 26 years old
    DH: 30 years old
    Married: August 5th, 2011
    1 son (Yehudah...AKA: Hudi) Born September 25th, 2013
    1 Furbaby (Portillo): Dachshund
    TTC Since Beginning of March 2016
    BFP: March 28th, 2016
    EDD: December 3rd, 2016

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    I agree with the previous posters.  Privately is best.  I honestly think I would prefer electronic because I can process privately even if it means tears.  

    I can tell you that I told one of my oldest friends about my first loss on my birthday (2 weeks after it happened) and she told me in the same conversation she was pregnant and due basically the same day I would have been.  That is NOT how you do it.  I've basically not spoken to her since.  That's the definition of insensitive.
    ****TW****

    Me: 39 DH: 40
    Married: 12/6/2014

    BFP#1: 1/20/15      MC: 2/14/15
    BFP#2: 10/28/15    MC: 11/24/15
    BFP#3:  3/20/16     MC: 4/26/16
    BFP#4:  7/15/16     DD: 3/18/17
    BFP#5:  5/1/18     EDD: 1/12/19
    Babysizer Geeky Pregnancy Tracker


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    I also agree private is good and not avoiding it is good. I have had two losses. When my best friend was pregnant with her first child I knew even before her husband she was so excited. This time because of my losses she avoided telling me and I found out accidentally. I was really hurt that she felt she couldn't share that great news with me anymore. I would have definitely preferred finding out from her. 
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