Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Feeling Guilty

I will recap my story since I am still new to this board first and then ask my question. We just found out last Tuesday (3/22) that I had a MMC. The baby stopped developing around 8 weeks (should of been around 12 weeks at the appointment) and their was no heartbeat. The news was devastating. I decided to go the medicine route and took the Cytotec on 3/24 and it happened on 3/25. It is all very fresh and I believe I am still trying to process it all.

The latest thing I have been dealing with is feeling guilty over the fact I am upset about my SIL upcoming birth. It is my SIL second child and she can go any day now as she is experiencing contractions. I feel so guilty because as soon as I found out I was sort of jealous/angry at her, even though I know it is of course not her fault and not like she rubs it in my face, she has been very supportive of us since the loss. This is going to also be my godson, she had told me before I even knew I was pregnant, and I am more than honored to be chosen. However, I am dreading seeing them in the hospital, I am afraid when I see him I will cry and become emotional since we just suffered a loss. I feel so guilty thinking about this and DH tells me I shouldn't but I cannot help it. What if I do cry? I don't want them to think I am not happy for them. I am just feeling an enormous amount of guilt and DH doesn't seem to understand, so I figured I would reach out here.
Married: June 2011
TTC #1: September 2015-January 2016
BFP #1: 1/25/16 - MMC Diagnosed 3/22/16
TTCAL: June 2016
BFP #2: 8/26/16 - EDD 5/9/17
Jackson born 5/6/17 at 8:36 PM - 9lbs 5oz & 21in
  Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

Re: Feeling Guilty

  • @lilylover27 I would go to the hospital if it were me. You might be devastated or you might be really happy, however only you know what is best for you. Since your SIL knows of your loss and has been supportive I'm sure she would understand if you started having a hard time. I would prepare a game plan ahead of time with DH so if you do start to feel overwhelmed you can leave and take a breather or just leave all together. I'm sure everyone would understand. 
    Pregnancy Ticker
    iceandsnowflakes29
  • TW - living child mentioned 








    It took me 4 years and some failed IUIs before I conceived my son. In that time frame, all of my friends had one or more babies. Like you, I was always worried about the emotional aspect of seeing or holding a baby when I was struggling but, I've found out from experience that I built it up in my head and it really didn't matter. It was still an absolute joy. Yes, I was still a little sad but, my friends were aware of my problems and they let me soak up as much baby time as I wanted. As a result, I was allowed to snuggle their LOs  more than some of the actual relatives ;) 

    I would give it a shot. If you cry, don't worry. Births are like weddings and funerals, everyone cries or gets misty eyed. 

    Be kind to yourself and don't feel guilty. Jealousy is 100 % normal. It is only when jealousy turns malicious that it is a problem. But, jealousy by itself is 100 % normal and nothing to he ashamed of. 

    ((Hugs)) 


    I'm hoping that baby is the future play mate of your rainbow :)
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  • I felt this same similar situation about my friend's baby shower which was about 2 weeks after my mmc. I had worried about going and almost didn't go but ended up going and having a good time. A couple of my friends there knew what happened and were there for me and that was helpful. I did not know how I was going to react but let my friend know ahead of time that I might not come or might have to leave early if I got upset. I wanted my friend to know I was happy for her and it was a test to my strength to be there and I was proud of how I handled it all. Don't feel guilty about any of your feelings, they are perfectly natural during this time. Just do what you feel is right and either way no one should judge you for it and neither should you. 
  • Sending hugs- so sorry for your loss.  I agree, I think feeling jealous and sad is completely normal.  If you feel like going and giving it a try, go for it. Like others have said, you won't know how you'll actually feel until you get there.  If you think you're not ready, then maybe wait until they get home to go when you are ready?? I'm sure they will understand.   Hang in there
  • I know that has got to be so difficult to navigate right now, especially since it is one of your family members. I went and visited one of my best friends a couple days after she had her baby (ironically, she gave birth the same day that I miscarried) and I was worried about how i'd feel. Surprisingly, once i saw him, i had nothing but love for him and felt ok. The jealousy and sadness was more directed at the people who were in the stages that I would have been in more recently (announcing, picking out names, baby showers). I still get waves of jealousy when i see her post pictures, but in person i was surprised at how i was able to handle seeing him. I really hope everything goes ok for you. You're in my thoughts.
    Me: 30  DH: 31
    Married 2010
    TTC since Nov. 2015
    BFP#1: 2/8/16
    MC: 3/19/16  :'(
    BFP#2: 9/3/16   EDD: 5/17/17

    mommy to the cutest rescue mutt ever.
    my chart
    iceandsnowflakes29
  • Thank you all for your responses! Glad to know I am not alone in occasionally feeling jealous of others. My SIL did not have the baby yet but I am going to take everyone's advice and try going. If it turns out to be too much I am sure she will understand if I have to leave.
    Married: June 2011
    TTC #1: September 2015-January 2016
    BFP #1: 1/25/16 - MMC Diagnosed 3/22/16
    TTCAL: June 2016
    BFP #2: 8/26/16 - EDD 5/9/17
    Jackson born 5/6/17 at 8:36 PM - 9lbs 5oz & 21in
      Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Hopefulmommy1980jatwal128iceandsnowflakes29
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