July 2016 Moms

UO Thursday

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Re: UO Thursday

  • kdm06ckdm06c member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 250 Answers 500 Love Its
    edited March 2016
    @jennyleigh16 I get the sentiment but I disagree. I feel it's much easier to teach a boy these lessons than it would be to teach a girl how to protect herself. It's much easier to control and take responsibility for YOUR actions than it is to be prepared for someone else's. 

    ETA I'm not saying it's not a great responsibility, they won't screw up occasionally hopefully not horribly, and that girls shouldn't be prepared. 


    Handprints on the cupboards and shoes in the hall.
    Toilet seats up and there's mud on the wall.
    The shelves in the kitchen are continually bare.
    There's toys on the couch and jeans on the chair.
    Wrestling and mud and cars and noise;
    I'm sure you guessed... I'm the mother of boys!

    Momma to four amazing boys! 
    Mathieu, Everett, Charles, and Russell
    elenabrent
  • kdm06c said:
    @jennyleigh16 explaining consent, no means no,  respecting privacy and boundaries of everyone including themselves. We talk about the different types of bullying, how it's not OK,  and what to do if you see it happening or if it happens to them. How it's OK to stand up to friends who aren't making good choices. We talk about empathy and how words are powerful so think before you speak. Making good choices that you can be proud of. How gender stereotypes are untrue and can be hurtful.  And in general just being respectful to everyone. They are young so we try to keep it pretty basic. 


    I saw a post somewhere (Facebook maybe?) I'm not sure if it was a true story or not but it was about a dad at the park whose son was playing with a girl his age, kind of tumbling around rough housing a bit. The dad kept checking in saying "Remember, if she's not having fun, you stop".

    I thought it was such a simple lesson to start early with both boys and girls - and not just saying "if he/she says no, you stop" but to actually make it about body language and non-verbal cues as well as a verbal "no". I've started doing that with DD, if she gets a little rough with me I'll talk about how it's my body and if I don't like something she's not allowed to do it to my body. If she keeps going, I get up off the floor or put her down and move my body away a bit, while still talking to/playing with her. We model it with her, too. If she asks us to stop tickling we stop immediately, if she wines or pulls away from us we stop, and if she doesn't want to hug/kiss someone we tell her that's ok.

    I actually am a little more scared at the idea of possibly having to teach these lessons to a boy than I am with DD. I don't know why but it seems a lot more complicated.
    Because it seems easier to teach a girl how to protect herself than it is to teach a boy what is and isn't appropriate behaviour. Easier, not right, mind you. 
    @jennyleigh16 yea, that makes sense. A pretty sad reality.
  • jennyleigh16jennyleigh16 member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    edited March 2016
    @kdm06c I meant it more as a reference to society's tendency towards "teach women how not to get raped" rather than "teach men not to rape". I'm just being cynical, I actually agree with you in that everyone should be responsible for their own actions, and it should be easier to teach, but in reality there are clearly people out there who never learned that lesson. 

    ETA to my train of thought. 
    ETA and again because grammar is important. 
    kdm06c

  • kdm06c said:
    Also @DobbysSock the hardest part with teaching my boys these lessons has been to try and find the balance between protect/respect women and treat women equally. I don't want my boys to baby women and treat them as a weaker sex but obviously I want them to respect women and their choices/bodies. I guess what I am trying to say is I am trying to balance the old timey chivalry ideals and the newer feminist ideals since some of those ideals contradict each other if that makes sense...  Gah I hope this comes out right.  

    ETA I'm hoping my respect EVERYONE, don't be afraid to stand up to someone who is being disrespectful, be empathetic, and be thoughtful approach does this.  

    Makes total sense! I also don't want to demonize men to my kids. I want to prepare and teach my daughter to be strong without feeling like she needs to fight with/against men or like all men have the potential to harm or take advantage of her. I want her to be safe, but also be able to trust. And any potential son, I don't want him to think (or think that I think) that all men have an innate tendency towards wanting to harm women. I hadn't even thought of the balance between being protective/respectful while recognizing a woman's strength and ability to make decisions and take care of herself. I think DH will be an awesome partner in this - as he is strong but sensitive and does have feminist ideals (mostly since meeting me, haha) so I think he'll be a great model on how to be a protector/provider while also being an equal partner.
    kdm06c
  • kdm06ckdm06c member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 250 Answers 500 Love Its
    edited March 2016
    @jennyleigh16 gotcha!  And yes,  society's views on this are extremely ridiculous and skewed. I hate how they basically depict males as freaking animals with no control over themselves. Eff that noise. I hope my boys have more respect for themselves to accept that crap. 

    Yes @DobbysSock. Such a simple notion with a huge impact!  Love it! 


    Handprints on the cupboards and shoes in the hall.
    Toilet seats up and there's mud on the wall.
    The shelves in the kitchen are continually bare.
    There's toys on the couch and jeans on the chair.
    Wrestling and mud and cars and noise;
    I'm sure you guessed... I'm the mother of boys!

    Momma to four amazing boys! 
    Mathieu, Everett, Charles, and Russell
    DobbysSock
  • @kdm06c Agreed. But you guys give me hope that there's a balance to be found.

    and @DobbysSock I love that idea and promoting paying attention to body language, not just words. I'll definitely be stealing it when the time comes. 
    kdm06cDobbysSock
  • @Weville, as a fellow feminist and (soon-to-be) mama of a boy, I've been trying to formulate how to best respond to this discussion. You hit the nail on the head totally! Thanks for putting what I couldn't seem to say in words. :smile: 

    Also, as a PP said, it doesn't matter whether our babies are boys or girls; we all need to be concerned with this because it matters. And yes, we're going to mess up and make mistakes, but I'd rather do the right thing messily than the wrong thing perfectly, if that makes sense. 


    Wevillekatyburganstellaluna14blissylissy86
  • I think this is such an interesting topic. My husband and I share the same values as many of you but a recent conversation with him was so eye opening. I read the book The Gift of Fear (awesome by the way- read it!) and was talking about how I constantly am aware of my surroundings. Who is near my car in the Target parking lot, looking behind me as I walk to the mailbox, who I will or won't get into an elevator with, keys out and ready in a parking garage, etc. I am not terrified or on guard of being attacked, just hyperaware of my surroundings because of how I was raised and I know how the world can operate. He was astonished by this, and said the only time he has ever felt that way is walking home alone from a bar in college at 2am. Never in his daily life. I don't want to generalize, but I think many of us as women have such things engrained in us and it definitely makes me think about how to best teach my son.
    katyburganmaddmamajennyleigh16
  • H and I were raised in Mississippi now living in Texas.  Finding the balance and figuring out how to instill it in my boys hasn't necessarily been easy.  I'm just hoping they get it.  


    Handprints on the cupboards and shoes in the hall.
    Toilet seats up and there's mud on the wall.
    The shelves in the kitchen are continually bare.
    There's toys on the couch and jeans on the chair.
    Wrestling and mud and cars and noise;
    I'm sure you guessed... I'm the mother of boys!

    Momma to four amazing boys! 
    Mathieu, Everett, Charles, and Russell
    elenabrentstellaluna14
  • @kellz14 I absolutely agree that H being a good example and showing them is the best way to teach them. It's a bit tricky in our household though because H travels all over for work constantly. He is amazing when he is home and I'm hoping that's enough of an example for my boys, but he's not home much so I feel the pressure is on me a little more to teach them. 


    Handprints on the cupboards and shoes in the hall.
    Toilet seats up and there's mud on the wall.
    The shelves in the kitchen are continually bare.
    There's toys on the couch and jeans on the chair.
    Wrestling and mud and cars and noise;
    I'm sure you guessed... I'm the mother of boys!

    Momma to four amazing boys! 
    Mathieu, Everett, Charles, and Russell
    kellz14
  • PugsandKissesPugsandKisses member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers First Anniversary
    edited March 2016
    Nerdchild said:
    @PugsandKisses I got to the part about your husband being 'the man of the house' and instantly felt a little bad for my husband. Outwardly, he is absolutely the man of the house, and since he is the main breadwinner (90 percent of the income), I play the role of domestic goddess and handle almost all of the housework. He can't budget to save his life, however, so I handle all of the bills. If you asked our dogs who is the alpha, that would be me. Those dogs have all the love for my husband, but they respect me. I really do my best to puff up my husband's ego and make him feel like he is running the show, but the dogs give away the truth of the house dynamic every time. 
    See, that is where you are wrong. In the wolf world, there is not an Alpha but an Alpha pair.  Your maybe be the alpha female, but he would be the alpha male. In many times, the alpha female is more 'aggressive ' and the male is more 'chill'. Just wait till some one pisses him off or tries to hurt his female/pups. It's the same in many large cats too. The males tend to let the female be 'in charge ' for the daily stuff,  but the Lion is still King for a reason. 

    Also, I do the bills too. Dh can, it's just he likes my system more. He has access to it 24 hours a day. 
    Nerdchildkellz14
  • I am definitely the bad cop in my house with the dogs. My husband needs to work on that before he's trying to set boundaries with a human child. 

    Nerdchildoneliloaktree13
  • Although I make more it is super close, we are pretty much a 50/50 household. So neither of us is the domestic goddess and we really need one. I do love to cook, it's the cleaning I need my dogs to figure out how do. They are lazy and are getting a free ride. I think it should be their responsibility. They also think I'm the boss in all things but being quiet, then they listen to my husband best. 
    katyburganelenabrentjlmartinez517
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