May 2016 Moms

mil wants to help after delivery

SophiaAlbertSophiaAlbert member
edited March 2016 in May 2016 Moms
So my relationship with my family has always been somewhat distanced, but dh in true mediterranean manner is very close w his fam. His mom has requested to "help" after delivery now which I declined bc its my first baby, I want to get to know her and I don't want to feel responsible for my mil when Iget home from the hospital, probably Iin pain, probably sleep deprived. Dh freaked out and said his mom had a right to be there. Long story short, theyll be there 5 days straight the moment I get out of the hospital. Am I overreacting or would you be stressed out about this as well? Can't sleep right now bc the thought of having to make conversation and being observed allthe time is killing me.

Re: mil wants to help after delivery

  • Sorry for the spelling mistakes!  
  • kbrands7kbrands7 member
    edited March 2016
    I would be stressed too! My family is like you  have described your DH's and even knowing what I was getting into, it was very stressful having people drop in that first week. Even with my mom who was very helpful overall, there were still times I sent her home because I needed some time with just DH and DS.

    Does your DH realize how physically and emotionally draining having a baby is? Also, if you're stuck with them coming anyway, does he have a plan for how they'll help so that you aren't stuck entertaining/talking/fending people off for a week?
    Edited typos
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  • You're not overreacting, I'd be stressed out as well. You're the one who will be exhausted from giving birth and figuring out how to take care of a newborn. Sometimes family can be a lot of help, but many also expect to sit around holding the baby and being catered to. 

    Is your husband willing to reconsider, and perhaps let them visit after you've had a week or two to settle in? I understand he's close to his family, but his wife's needs should come first. 
  • My mom, who I've known my whole life, is coming for a week, and I'm stressed about THAT....I think I'd freak if it was someone I didn't know super well
    ~~Signature Trigger Warning~~

    Spoiler
    Me: 32; Him: 36
    Married: Oct 20, 2013
    BFP 1: Aug 31, 2015
    EDD 1: May 12, 2016
    DD1 Emma born May 12, 2016
    An Honest Account of New Motherhood (with Postpartum Anxiety, Depression, and OCD)

    BFP 2: October 07, 2019
    EDD 2: June 20, 2020


  • Oh I hear ya...we live far from all family, and my parents will be coming for a quick visit (1 day) as soon as possible after birth. I'm fine with that as they're not overbearing. Now the in-laws...FIL is remarried, and SMIL is a know-it-all (who never had kids of her own) and I'm dreading their visit...an entire 4 days. And the 'best' part in this is that FIL had spoken to his two sisters, who then decided they'd come and visit at the same time since they haven't visited since we moved out here 2 years ago and would like to see the baby. So everyone's assumption (including FIL) is that they'd all be staying in our house- so FIL pretty much invited 4 people in our house, days after I will have given birth. I had to have a good talk with DH and explain that I didn't want that, and that the aunts would have to stay in a hotel. I'll have to deal with MIL, but the aunts (knowing how she is) have promised to get her out of our house as much as possible and to keep her in check. I was losing sleep over that situation. Ultimately, explain to him how you feel about it and why (my husband hearing about how much blood loss there'd be and for how long, and how I didn't feel like dealing with this while having to learn how to breastfeed in front of 6 other people helped). I'm still not 100% happy about how things will work out, but I'm not stressing over it anymore. 
  • I don't think that's an overreaction at all - and I come from a huge Mediterranean family that is completely overbearing myself, and grew up in it and so am used to it. I think everyone has their own thresholds of family tolerance, and those thresholds will be sensitive when you add in recovery/new baby/sleeplessness and your SO should understand that and back you up - He lives with you, not his mother (this is what my SO tells me when my family is being overbearing and he wants to get me on side, and it makes sense.)

    Play up the fact that you'll be recovering and that you want time alone with him and the baby, that you like his family a lot - and cannot wait to see them all ... in a week. 

    Good luck! 
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • cgg0707cgg0707 member
    edited March 2016
    Definitely not overreacting. My Grandma who leaves in another country is currently in the US and before heading back she's coming for the weekend to meet the baby. If I deliver on my due date, she will be only 2 weeks old. I'm not really close with her and I'm stressing out about having her over for 2 days, I can imagine how overwhelmed you must feel. My best advice to you is to make sure you DH is around as a buffer when you need to just walk away. I will be using Breasfeeding as an excuse for alone time  ;)
  • OP, I feel your pain. My MIL asked to come the week of the birth. Mind you I've met her twice in 6 years of marriage and I'm having a c-section. I managed to negotiate her not coming until week 2, possibly week 3, but I'm still not thrilled with the outcome. And I just foundout today that she's become anti vax... this should be fun. Hugs and hold your ground better than I did.
  • Thanks ladies! He won't reconsider and they booked their flights so there's that. He always gives in to his mom and she is always criticizing me. Theyre not bad ppl, but they cdont get not everybody is like them... they have been super judgy this whole pregnancy bc I apparently wasn't joyful enough.
     Do I have to add my mil never worked during her pregnancies? Easy to be joyful when you just hang out at home everyday. Can't wait to hear their opinion on my parenting now. Lol
  • Nobody has "a right to be there" except you and DH. We are not having any visitors for at least 2 weeks. Both of our families are far away so they are easy to keep at arm's length and easier to schedule visits, no drop ins!

    It's funny how different my mom's generation is. She asked me who was going to help me when I come home from the hospital. When I said "my husband" she said "oh, he won't be interested in that." Thanks, mom. 
  • I had a similar situation but it was my own family and not DH's. His family couldn't care less about the baby it seems. My cousin is having a wedding right around my due date and I have had 3 family members say that they will/want to fly to NZ *straight* after the wedding. If I give birth on my EDD baby will only have been home for 3 days by that time. I have had to put my foot down about it. On one hand I would love to see my family members since its such a long trip and I never get to see them. . . on the other hand I really am not interested in trying to entertain people in this tiny apartment so soon after giving birth and getting used to motherhood and getting to know my new baby daughter with DH.

    I don't think you are overreacting at all! Someone linked this a week or two ago and I bookmarked it. https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this
    It was a good read and made me aware of things I didn't even think about or know about! Give this to your DH to read and maybe he will get it . . .
  • I'm a STM and I remember feeling this way with my first. I dreaded having any visitors after baby was born. My MIL planned on staying for a few weeks after the birth to help and I was so concerned it would be intrusive and more of a burden on me. HOWEVER, in the end I was so grateful to have the help. I honestly don't know how the dishes got done or any food was prepared. I was in a fog and my MIL was awesome to have around! I felt so guilty about how I felt before hand. My husband made sure I had lots of space to rest and I frequently would spend the days in bed with baby. Not saying it always works out like this, but just to represent the other side of the issue. Sometimes it's really really nice to have the help, especially when all you can physically manage is taking care of baby. My MIL are super close now and I have no problems asking for space when I need it. 
  • I don't think you're overreacting and I absolutely would be stressed too, but I do think when all is said and done you'll feel okay about the experience. :-) Talk to DH and make sure you're both on the same page with expectations for when they're visiting and what you're going to need from him. Since he s comfortable with his family he should be comfortable setting some boundaries and making sure they know you and LO will need some alone and bonding time while they're there! And I think it will help to focus on their offer of help... don't consider them guests or visitors during this time where you're worrying about them and their needs, they're there to focus on your needs and the needs of LO! Keep them busy and don't feel bad for taking them up on help and you will probably walk away from the experience so relieved with everything they were able to assist with while there!! 
  • I am so sorry this is happening to you! I agree with everyone about setting boundaries and making sure your husband is there to keep is family in line and respecting any wishes/desires you have. You never know how you are going to feel/respond till you are in it, so definitely speak up! Even though his family wants to be a part of this time it is really about you, baby and your husband! Your needs come first.

    I had similar feelings regarding my MIL and my husband and I just spoke to her about our wishes to have a private birth and to be alone for the first 2 weeks after baby is born. It was hard for her to understand at first. She lives close by and would want to be at our house constantly. I am not okay with that so my reasons for privacy were wanting to establish good breastfeeding routine with baby and also to minimize her exposure to others since we are not vaccinating her till later. These reasons seemed to help my MIL understand (although she stated it will be really hard for her!). I assured her if we needed any help from her we will call her and she can come over to help with chores.

    Good luck with everything and hang in there! 
  • In my opinion you should snatch up all the help you can get.
     My mom stayed with us for 10 days after our first son was born and I don't know how we would have done it without her. House was clean, dinner was made, naps were taken. She was a blessing. 
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • If his mediterranean family is anything like other mediterranean families I know, coming to visit after a birth will include primarily them cooking and cleaning for you:) You will not have to do any entertaining whatsoever, though your husband will have to facilitate the cooking/cleaning til his mom learns the ropes (e.g. doing all the driving for groceries, etc.).

    Just make sure with your husband that that's what she intends! But I cannot imagine, having had a kid, that she will expect you to be on your feet and catering to her within 5 days of giving birth.
  • My MIL stayed for two weeks.  I was down with the idea of her being there for one week but since I had a c-section, it was very helpful that she stayed a little longer.  She did get a bit "know it all" but it was well-intentioned so I just went with it and let her prove herself wrong when she was and learned from her when she was right.  She did help with cleaning and errands and mostly she helped DH feel supported because he was more nervous about "doing things right" than I was.  Like others have said, discuss your concerns with DH and ask him to ensure that everyone's expectations for her time there are on the same page.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • After delivering my first son I vowed to never have my in laws over after delivery to "help". First off, I didn't even know that they were coming over. As soon as I went into the hospital they stayed at my house (they only lived 30 minutes away at the time) and DH didn't feel he had to inform me of that. Second, I had a 3rd degree tear and showing up to my house expecting it to be clean and realizing people were there rummaging through my fridge and cupboards and making a huge mess....it was too much. I ended having to be the one going shopping and cooking and cleaning and entertaining while everybody just got to hang out. Worst. Experience. Ever. 

    This is our 4th baby and we live 10+ hours away from our family. I'm making sure that this time around any in law coming to visit will be staying at a hotel. My SIL mentioned coming out to "help" and she is the biggest mooch plus that would mean her staying at my place with her to children (7 and 3 yrs old). I already have a feel of how much help she'll actually be, basically -5 on a scale of 1 to 10. My mom and maybe a sister or 2 will be the only ones "allowed" to stay with me here and that's because they would technically be staying at my little brothers place just right around the corner.
    DS #1 2010
    DS #2 2011
    DS #3 2014
    DS #4 2016
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