How is it with your SO? — The Bump
January 2016 Moms

How is it with your SO?

How are things going with your SO currently? 

DH and I are rocky. You can read about that hot mess on D15. Barely any sex during and after the pregnancy. Intimacy has just been nonexistent. DH leaves raising the kids all on my own and just because he has 2 jobs he doesn't have to lift a finger apparently. 

Yep. That's my life.

Please tell me yours is better than mine right now.
DD#1 born 12/30/2015
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DS#1 born 02/19/2013
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Re: How is it with your SO?

  • I'm so sorry your going through this. I hope he removes his head from his rear end! My husband is amazing. Not perfect but pretty close. He also works 2 jobs. Bath time is his time with our daughter. They both love it. We try to have sex as often as we can. Late in pregnancy it just got cumbersome, and now with a baby we don't have many opportunities lol. We've always had a physical relationship though. He holds her and plays with her whenever he can, if i need a shower or just a breather. Especially if he's hungry. The guy can't cook his way out of a kraft mac n cheese box! I wouldn't have been successful with breastfeeding if it weren't for him. Some men just don't get it. I hope yours does soon
  • Mine moved out 5 weeks ago. We went from getting along great, right before our son got here, to zero intimacy. He moved into the spare room and barely acknowledged me.  It was horrible.  I confronted him and he had decided he didn't want to be in the relationship but wanted to keep parenting from the guest bedroom.  I felt too hurt and betrayed for that so I asked him to leave and he did.  He's just now getting the very last of his things and as much as it totally tears my heart out, it's easier for me to take care of my son by myself than it was with him here.  It was emotionally draining and I didn't have enough love and patience left over for my son. 
    My sister said it's normal for men to require adjusting periods when it comes to parenting. Mine just needed a different life and I gave him that. I think what you're experiencing is relatively normal but just knowing you could do it yourself if you needed to makes it easier. I hope he wakes up soon and grows appropriately into his new role as a dad!
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  • I thinks it's normal to go through a rough patch at this time. Both of your world's just changed drastically. My husband and I are too. We are arguing more and I feel like I have to beg for help! I still love him but I don't like him sometimes
  • I am lucky my husband doesn't always know how to help but he knows when to ask. Vanellope loves him so much and they do things all their own. We also have a friend we trust enough to watch her for date nights even if it's just a few hours. He works 10 hour days and may go to 60 hour weeks with 12 hour days and I know he will still help.  We both decided to have this child, we both care for her. I am sorry you are going through this was he helpful with chores before the baby?
  • It can be very difficult on relationships. My husband is great with our LO.. When hes home. During the week he is only home for an hour before I try to get her to bed. And I'm the one up at nights when she needs feeding or wont go to sleep. I'm exhausted too. As for sex life... Its hard too. I got the clear at 6 weeks but its been painful and We have tried (key word, tried) a few times just to ease into it. Its 8 weeks now. And by night time comes I'm too tired. I feel bad but hes awesome and patient.
  • AchaeAchae member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    I'd be frustrated too, I agree with pp that parenting is a joint effort. My husband travels for work so I'll see him on weekends. I return to work tomorrow and then we will have even less time. But when he is home he is pretty good about helping when I ask. I do have to tell him to do chores but that was the same pre children. I was upset with him when he left me alone with the kids the first two nights post delivery (he took off 4 weeks himself) and sporadic days here and there for work and school. And then 6 weeks pp he went to a 3-night social thing out of town even though I asked him not to and he basically told me to deal with it :/ He whines a lot about not getting to play video games and my number one response to him is "welcome to parenthood."  
  • I'd be so frustrated if I didn't have help and support from DH. I often remind hubby that she's as much his responsibility as mine when it seems like he's relying on me to be on baby duty too much. right now our marriage is a hit and miss but he's pretty good all things considered. He tries to help with housework and makes sure he does at least one feeding a day during the week. He leaves for work at 430am and doesn't get home until 6 or 630 every night so he isn't home a lot during the week meaning baby duty falls on me. I also do the nights alone during the week since he works which I resent sometimes but I understand why it needs to be done. He lets me sleep in on the weekend which has really helped me resent him  and his 8hrs of sleep every night a lot less. 

    We haven't had sex yet since baby was born since I just got cleared on Friday but we've been pretty intimate in other ways. We do definitely argue more about silly things which I think is a result of me being overtired and him being stressed. But overall he is a wonderful father and I know he's also trying his best to be a good husband so I can't ask for more than that. I'm hoping when LO gets a bit older and the sleep is back on track we will start bickering a little less. 
  • l4rkl4rk member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    My SO is pretty great with helping out with LO when he's around. However, he has basically stopped doing any chores at all. I spend the first bit of every morning cleaning up after him and it's starting to get to me. I know he's also tired of being tired all the time from staying up for a couple hours with LO after I go to bed at 9, but too bad. I do the rest of the night and the entire following day by myself until he gets home from work. So, yeah, there are things that could be better but overall we seem to be doing well. We are both trying and I feel like a team most of the time.

    I agree with PPs that your husband needs to step it up a bit and make some compromises. I'd start by asking him to cut gym days in half or go on his lunch break if his work allows for such things. If LO is your "job" and work is his, then that part is already "even" -- extracurriculars and other responsibilities need to be even too.
  • I feel the need to add my husband is terrible about chores. I'll unload the dishwasher and watch him put dirty dishes in the sink, then put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher and it doesn't even enter his mind about the dishes. He has taken over caring for our 3 dogs which was something i used to do, and he's working on renovations. He's recently learned where the hamper is too!!
  • I honestly have kind of the reverse situation where I feel like my SO is doing so much better and being so much more helpful than I am.  He's great with the baby, very calm when she cries, a total pro with diapers, helps out with almost all of the late night feedings, despite working full time and long hours.  I'm honestly worried about him driving because I know he's not getting sleep, but he's only been cranky once or twice.  Me on the other hand, I'm exhausted and totally drained after my 8-12 hours alone with the baby and have been cranky a lot.  I've also been dealing with some fairly intense anxiety, so I feel like some of it is hormonal.

    We talked yesterday about how we both kind of wish it could be reversed and I could be back and work and he could be with the baby.  I still haven't physically recovered and I work a desk job, so I feel like it would be easier to recover and that I would be so excited to see the baby before and after work and on the weekends, and my DH, with his high energy and sort of zen calmness, would be an ideal stay at home dad.  Alas, his job is the one that gives us excellent health care, so that can't happen.  Sigh.  But I do feel guilty that I think he's doing a better job parenting during this newborn stage than I am.  Though, I'm hopeful that some of that is just due to delayed postpartum recovery and that once I don't feel like I've been hit by a truck every day, I'll have more patience, energy and enthusiasm.
  • @littlecrimsonjester no! He has never helped with chores until just recently after DD was born I yelled at him about needing help. After asking him 5 times already! He does the kitchen mainly but he also did the laundry.

    He just took out all my clothes and cleaned everything else. So I guess I got to wash my own clothes since he's mad at me.

    I mean he is bad about cleaning up after himself. Everyday he throws his dirty clothes on the floor when he gets home from work. The hamper is 2 feet away. After one of us makes dinner...he wont wash his plate off. The next morning I'm scrubbing off his crusty food. Come on... Help out DH! 
    DD#1 born 12/30/2015
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    DS#1 born 02/19/2013
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  • @2winterbabies Have you told him how a dirty house makes you feel? I will admit I am they one who is okay with a little clutter. My husband explained how me not doing chores made him feel. He explained that a dirty house made him feel like I didn't care. It really hit home and I have done a great deal to improve my cleanliness around the house.  It was just little things like I don't mind a few dishes in the sink and it really bugs him.  So I try to stay on top of the dishes more and keep the sink empty.  Anyway I don't know if that helps but you could try it. 
  • My husband does a lot. He'll do anything when he's home. The one thing he DOESN'T do and doesn't like doing is household stuff. He'll take out the trash and do the odds and ends but he's so bad at laundry and dishes so that's my thing. I'm the one who needs to clean because it makes me anxious, he doesn't care. So he'll help me if I ask him but he's not proactive about it - that's for sure.

    But when it comes to the kids he's really good. He'll do whatever I need and when I was having my issues with anxiety he took over and watched the baby and our older son for me so I could go get help/talk to a counselor. He really picked up the slack for me many times when I wasn't feeling well and he does a lot of the night feeding. We just accept things about each other - I'm really shitty on little sleep and he's better with it, he can nap during the day and I can't. So he'll wake up at night more for me because he knows it's easier if he does it. Our marriage is good - babies put strain on everything but it's to be expected, we've done this before. We still find time for sex, although not as often and we still talk to each other. I think my husband knowing I was going through issues postpartum helped him a lot to understand how stressful it is for me (and women as a whole) so he stepped up because he knew it wasn't like that for him.

    I feel really bad for anyone who is not getting help from their SO's. I hope you guys can work it out and communicate.
    Vincent 1.1.16 & Daniel 11.6.07
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  • DH and I have def. had our moments and have struggled to get on the same page for a while.  I think now that DS is 13w, we are really starting to understand how the other operates, in terms of handling LO and juggling the rest of our lives.  The first 4-5 weeks weren't that bad.  I didn't mind getting up to do the feedings, DH would do them whenever I asked, but I was so head over heels about being a new mommy, I totally didn't mind.  Then, DH got a bout of colic/stomach issues with formula and it was a rough 3-4 weeks.  He was pretty cranky and irritable from week 5-9.  And we still have our moments/days when we know his stomach is just off.  

    DH works from 7:30-4 and he has a garage space where he does side work and works on his own stuff pretty regularly.  He also helps out a lot of his car buddies and we are working on some major renovations in our house. I had to literally go into crazy b* mode on him to get him to realize that during those weeks when sleep and sanity were not in the near future, he needed to put all side jobs/hobbies to the side and come straight home from work to help out with DS.  It was hard for him to put someone else before his own needs and wants.  Before baby, DH and I lived a pretty carefree life together and we both pretty much did whatever we wanted.  I've always been a home body and been okay with just hanging out at home.  DH is a total work horse and tends to take on too many projects.  So he's always got something he can be doing, but unfortunately now at this point in his life, that life style and mentality doesn't work so well with a baby.  

  • DH is great, despite working so much and the baby not being all that fond of him. She's usually happiest with me, which I know is hard for him, but he tries to interact with her as much as he can when he's home. Honestly, it's me who's a total jerk if the baby is fussy or if I didn't get much sleep. I also wish we were having more sex but we just moved to a different state, he works crazy hours, and we have a newborn and a 4-year-old, so yeah.
  • My SO is amazing with LO and gets up with her for the early morning feeds because I am sleep crazy. We are both super affectionate with each other and have great communication but I just have no desire to have sex and it worries me. He tries to initiate but I feel weird about having sex unless LO is asleep but by then I can think of 100 things that need to get done or I am ready to sleep as well. I hope that we can get through this patch without my SO feeling too left in the cold. 
  • I think it's normal - I read somewhere that the period after baby is like the most challenging time on a relationship.  My husband has been great with baby, way way less great in terms of providing support as a spouse (and sex is non-existent right now).  Baby's sleep is getting better and at 4 months we are moving her out of our room, so I'm trying not to nag or over analyze for now, and will address it in a couple months if things don't sort themselves out by then.
  • Things have been great and horrible depending on the day. We moved at the end of Feb and that was tough because I felt bad not helping because of the twins needing to eat or what have you (DH hates moving but I love it!) Now we're getting settled and as long as DH gets some sleep we're good. He's always very busy with work (he works from home but goes out to clients throughout the day) and sometimes I find it frustrating that he doesn't help during the day. Some evenings it seems like the same story, but other days he helps a lot so it's give and take here. We've gotten back into having sex fairly regularly (as much as that's possible with 4 kids two of whom are itty bitty), but we do have times where it just clearly isn't going to happen.

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  • mrsncmrsnc member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    I go back to work in a week and planned a test run of my commute, including bringing DD to SIL, today. DH and I both will need to leave at 6:30. He usually wakes up at 6:15  (he works in a warehouse, so not much getting ready involved). He said he would wake up with me at 5:30 to help out in the mornings. I wake up this morning for the trial run and wake him up. He asks why I'm waking him up. I reminded him he said he would help. Then he has the balls to say, "Let me sleep today, I'll help tomorrow." Now he doesn't understand why I'm pissed! He has been very patient with me and sex (I'm not ready yet) and okay with DD but I've done most everything for her. I've haven't pushed him into helping, because I honestly enjoy doing it all, but with me going back to work he needs to start having some responsibility! 
  • SO helps out and is okay, but he has his man moments. We talk everything out when things come up, like the moment things come up. We also both go see therapists. We have had PP sex. I have cervical cancer so he had to wait until after the biopsied areas healed, but I'm getting a hysterectomy in 6 months to a year. We do pretty good. We tend to be around just each other or family friends we are close to. We are doing pretty good.

  • Sorry, this is going to be long...
    I don't know if anyone has seen some of my previous posts, but I am really struggling.
    My husband was in an accident over a year ago (about the same time we got pregnant,) and suffered a severe concussion. (Yes, in adults, they can take 1-3 years to fully heal.) Throughout my entire pregnancy, the focus was on him, and his recovery. We spent many nights in the ER trying to deal with severe headaches and seizure-like activity. Because of this, he's been restricted to working 1.5 hours a day right now. He really seemed to be improving before the baby came. Since the baby came, I just am completely overwhelmed. 
    (I might add that I have 3 stepsons, and for the last year, I was their primary caregiver in our home.) He was dealing with some anger issues (his control seems to have gone since his injury,) and while I don't fear that he'll be physically violent, he has been very nasty in communicating--not just with me, but also with the boys.
    On top of this, I had to go back to work, and he INSISTED that he was well enough to take care of our LO until I got home every day. (He works in the evening or late afternoon.) To make this work, I go in every day at 6:30. (Meaning I'm up at 5:30, plus up multiple times a night with baby.) I don't get a chance to go to bed until after 11, because if I didn't do laundry, dishes, etc., they would not get done. Also, my husband still requires quite a bit of care himself. 
    Tuesday, he wanted to go to the ER because of pain he was having. My mother was flying in from across the country, on top of it being almost 11, (when I have to get up at 5:30) so I tried calling his dad. His dad's response was that he needed to put on his big boy pants and deal with it some other way. He medicated, and lo and behold, 20 minutes later, the pain was bearable.
    My mom arrived, and bless her, even took baby overnight Wednesday so I could sleep. 
    Last night, I told her I would take the baby so she could get over her jet lag. SO and I had just gotten to bed when he started whimpering. When asked what was wrong, he said it was his head. I asked if he had taken anything, he had only taken 2 ibuprofen. (He has several prescription meds for managing pain.) I gave him a pain pill, he took half. He kept saying, "I just want to sleep." I suggested he take another pill he's on to help him, and he yelled at me that he "needed to get up in the morning." An hour later, he's still whimpering and rocking in the bed. (Thus keeping me awake. We're at 11:00 now.) He goes downstairs to sleep on the couch, and the next thing I know, I'm woken up by shriek-sobbing. He's insisting on going to the ER. I have to comply, because otherwise, all four of us (him, my mom, LO, and I) are going to be up all night.
    Ladies, two things I haven't mentioned: 3 weeks ago, I was diagnosed with pneumonia. I still took care of EVERYONE. Last week on Thursday, I fell down the stairs, and it still feels like someone kicked me in the ribs, and it hurts to sit, and I need both of my hands to stand up, and I am still parenting four kids. I'm still going to work. I'm still going. Because the world doesn't stop because I'm sick or hurt. LO still needs care.
    Back to last night--I take him, and I am pissed. And feeling guilty, because he is legitimately injured--the doctors keep confirming that, and I'm angry that he needs help. But the problem is that he always is in the worst condition right when I get an opportunity to recover, or when the primary focus shifts away from him.
    I took a vow to be with him in sickness and in health, but I'm compromising my own health, and now I fear I'm putting LO in danger by leaving her with him. I have less than $100 in my bank account. I'm thinking about asking my mom to extend her visit, but I worry about them being in the house together. Her mama bear instinct is going to come out, and could potentially cause more damage. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm trying to save my marriage, but I feel like SO is using his injury to refuse responsibility.
  • @stephanienjer it sounds to me your husband does NOT want to be helped.For that reason alone I would leave. I mean you are taking care of four children here... I feel your husband does need to step it up and is using his injury as an excuse. I'm sorry what you are going through. I hope it gets better for you.
    DD#1 born 12/30/2015
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  • AchaeAchae member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    @stephaniejer Is he open to counseling? With a concussion I'd be wary to say he simply needs to "suck it up" because the brain is an amazing and yet fragile thing. My husband was also involved in a bad accident years ago limiting some physical activity and it's frustrating feeling like when you've given and given and given there is nothing left, yet we must continue on and give more. Hopefully with counseling at least communication can be improved between you two and his concussion will continue to heal and pain will subside.
  • @stephanienjer I'll keep you in my prayers. If it were me, I wouldn't leave. If his work is restricted and the doctors are saying he is clearly injured i don't agree that he is milking it. I think you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. A dangerous one. Communication with him and your mother is key. I also suggest that short amount of time he is at work that you take some time for you. Ask your mom to watch the children and do whatever relaxes you. Good luck!
  • Ju111310 said:
    @stephanienjer I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I think you absolutely need to ask for help, whether that's from your mom, other family members or friends. It sounds like your husband has some legitimate medical problems going on, but also from a health care provider's standpoint, the frequent ER trips for pain management are a huge red flag. No primary care provider (or pain management physician) wants their patients going to the ER on a regular basis. This needs to be brought up and discussed with his provider -- do they know that he's having these episodes of "uncontrolled" breakthrough pain? If not, hopefully they can help with a better plan for these episodes. If they're aware already and refusing further pain management options, it may be time to take a step back and consider if he is abusing his meds and illness. At that point, my thoughts go to -- Is he going to the ER because he likes the IV pain meds they give? Or is he going because he craves the extra attention? Whatever the case may be, take care of yourself. You can't care for others without caring for yourself first. You're exhausted mentally and physically and spread too thin. Ask for help. I'll be praying for you & your family! 
    I couldn't agree more.

    While I understand you are being as supportive as possible, your husband needs to take responsibility and proactively take control of his medical needs. I think you need to have a long discussion with him and create a better plan for future incidents. Best of luck with everything. 
  • @stephanienjer I'm sorry that sounds so aweful. Please ask your mom for help!! You need to and deserve to take care of yourself.
  • I agree about asking for help. I hurt just reading this. You must be exhausted. I feel terrible for you! But I'm going to address the safety of your baby as you mentioned. I think the situation sounds potentially dangerous with your husband's condition and if there's a possibility of someone else caring for baby it needs to be looked into.
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